Look Who's Talking

Mikey:
Put me back in! Put me back in!

Mollie:
I'm a very understanding person, Albert. I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase.

Mollie:
I was artificially inseminated.

James:
Are you a lesbo?

James:
Okay, if you're the father then maybe you can answer me these questions. What's Mikey's favorite cereal?

Albert:
I don't know.

James:
Cheerios. How many diapers does he go through a day? About six. Who's his favorite rock star? Michael Jackson. Don't you think a father should know some of these things?

Albert:
Okay how much is she paying you? 5 dollars an hour?

Albert:
Here go play some video games.

James:
Don't give me that sh*t.

Mollie:
I look like a Russ Meyer movie!

James:
Whoa! You really got your figure back, didn't you?

Mollie:
This is not my figure!

James:
Well then, you got Dolly Parton's figure back!

James:
You don't look so hot.

Mollie:
Why don't you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look?

James:
Ouch! Guess I'd better call my mother more often!

James:
Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Mikey:
Yeah. Lunch!

Mollie:
Don't touch me! I'm going to have this baby without you touching me!

Albert:
I know this may be hard to understand, but I'm going through a selfish phase right now.

Mollie:
A selfish phase?

Albert:
I admit the timing is bad.

Albert:
He has my eyes.

Mollie:
I know he does. You don't know how confusing it is when someone you love so much looks like someone you hate.

Mollie:
That's it! You have some exotic baby disease, and I look like I could play the lead in "Night of the Living Dead", and your father deserted us so that he could play with his interior decorator. I think you can safely say that it can't get any worse.

Rosie:
Hello-o.

Mollie:
I was wrong.

Rosie:
What?

Mollie:
Ma, I thought you'd be happy.

Rosie:
How could you do such a thing?

Mollie:
It was easy. I went to the clinic and got some frozen sperm. I brought it home, defrosted it, inserted it, and... and I'm pregnant.

Rosie:
So that's it? Now you and the frozen pop are having a baby.

Mollie:
Ma, it's not a frozen pop.

Rosie:
It's not a husband. (Looks at her husband). Louie, you hear this?

Mollie:
Ma, you were the one who told me that I could control my life, and I made a decision. I want to have a baby.

Rosie:
I don't understand this. This is the kind of thing a girl does if she's very ugly or a lesbian. This is not the act of a beautiful, intelligent girl who can have any man she wants.

Mollie:
Ma, you never liked any of my boyfriends anyway.

Rosie:
Where did the sperm come from? I mean, who's the supplier?

Mollie:
A medical student.

Rosie:
And?

Mollie:
He goes to Colombia. His parents live on the island. His father's in piece goods, his mother works for a cosmetics firm. Ma, she'd get you a great discount.

Rosie:
So you're making fun of me, huh? You'll see. Someday, you'll have children.

Mollie:
Where are the parachutes?

James:
Parachutes? There are no parachutes.

Mollie:
No parachutes? Didn't you ever see 'Sweet Dreams'? 'The Buddy Holly Story'? 'La Bamba'?

James:
There's a big difference. They're, like, rock legends, and we're not.

Mollie:
I'm sorry that I made you wear that stupid outfit, and I'm sorry that you had to meet that MEAN MAN. You'll never have to see him again. You know what I don't get? Every time I take you somewhere, everyone says how cute you are, and how crazy they are about you?

Mikey:
Naturally.

Mollie:
Then, the one person who has the genetic bondage treats you like a jerk. Here, let me dry it now. Everyone loves you. All the kids at the playground love you, Ma loves you, Rona loves you, everybody at work loves you, James loves you... Mikey, do you love James?

Mikey:
Give him a call.

Mollie:
What, honey? You want to play telephone?

Mikey:
Call him.

Mikey:
This has got to be the weirdest day of my life... well, so far.

Mollie:
So you're the one who was kicking me.

Mikey:
Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food.

Mollie:
Look at all those daddies down there. They're making goofball faces and taking pictures of their babies.

Mollie:
. Well, you won't find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I don't want you to be upset, because I'm going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I'm going to be smart about it. I'm not going to go for some handsome guy just because I'm in love with him. You're the only thing that matters to me, and I'm going to go out there and I'm going to get you the best daddy there is.

Mikey:
I don't get it. I just don't get it. And, I don't like it. Where'd I go wrong?

James:
It's weird, isn't it? You spend the first nine months trying to get out and the rest of your life trying to get back in.

James:
Yeah, but they don't know who the real mother is yet.

Mollie:
I think you should try some of that Nobel Prize winner sperm.

Mollie:
Well, give it a shot. Don't you want a smart baby?

Mollie:
Ma, what would you have done if Daddy was married when you first met him?

Rosie:
I wouldn't have fallen in love.

Mollie:
Well, you can't control who you fall in love with.

Rosie:
Why not?

Mollie:
You just can't!

Rosie:
Listen. Listen, take your father here. What's his favorite food?

Rosie:
What did Dr. Slocum tell him?

Mollie:
Cut back on cholesterol.

Rosie:
So, now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same exact thing.

Mollie:
Aw, I look like a big fat pilgrim.

Mollie:
I'm so lucky. I can't believe I managed to find a nice, handsome family man.

Mollie:
Remember how Albert's shrink said that Beth would never get better as long as he kept seeing me?

Mollie:
Well, he's decided to leave her.

Mollie:
No, he's leaving his shrink. And that's really a good thing, because she was really starting to become an obstacle with us.

James:
Look, you gotta use Lamaze. It works. My sister-in-law used it. You don't use drugs, and it's better for the kid.

Mollie:
You know, the only people who say stupid things like that are men, because they're idiots!

Mollie:
Hey, slow down! The first stages of labor can take hours!

James:
Yeah, so can the mid-town traffic!

Mollie:
Rona, if there wasn't such a thing as love, what kind of guy would you get to be your kid's father?

Mollie:
No, no, I'm talking about, what kind of a man would you want to stick around and help raise your child?

Mikey:
Help! Help! Somebody burp me before I blow up!

Mollie:
Screwing with the mail is a federal offense.

James:
Stealing mail's a federal offense, not screwing with it.

James:
I teach.

Mollie:
What do you teach? Taxi Driver's Ed?

Mollie:
Don't smoke that around my baby! Don't you know there's a sixty-two percent higher rate of getting cancer for non-smokers who live with smokers?

James:
What are you trying to say? You don't want me to move in yet, or what?

Mollie:
All right, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a guy who's not married, not into drugs, not an alcoholic, not a deadbeat, but not somebody that works twenty hours a day.

Mollie:
Cute is not a consideration.

Mollie:
Dr. Spock does not just want to sell a book! Dr. Spock loves us. During the Vietnam War, Dr. Spock was out protesting in the streets!

James:
God, I'm sorry I said anything about Dr. Spock, okay.

James:
I can't believe she's getting that upset about a Vulcan. Big ears, no emotions, right?

Mikey:
Is that a new hat, or is it time to change the bandage?

Mollie:
Oh, what a good sensation!

James:
It's like great sex, isn't it?

Mollie:
I personally wouldn't remember.

Mikey:
How many babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Sand Box Baby:
How many?

Mikey:
What's a light bulb?

Mollie:
If we ever got back together I'm afraid I would have to torture you for the rest of your life.

Albert:
Oh, that's okay. I want you to.

Mollie:
I don't know who I love. And you know something, it doesn't make any difference, because the only thing that matters to me is who's best for Mikey. And Albert is successful, he's responsible, and he's real good to his *other* kids.

James:
I've seen you. I've seen you use Mikey to push other guys away, and now you're doing it to me! That's it! I've had it! Now get out!

Mollie:
I live here!

James:
I know it!

Mollie:
You get everything for free. Free long distance phone calls, free lunches. I think you're sort of a scam artist.

James:
I know. I got the town wired, don't I? Baby, think about it. If we were poor, we could still live like kings.

James:
Hey, Gerber Face, high five!

Mollie:
You spent forty years with a man who looked good in a uniform? Ma, you had no idea if he was a mature, responsible person!

Rosie:
If I thought like that, we wouldn't have gotten through the first week. And that was some week!

James:
She called me a big kid. Yeah. She's probably right, too. I mean, you're one year old and probably my best friend in the world.

James:
I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn't drive the kids crazy.

Albert:
Is he taking a dump?

Mollie:
No, he's thinking real hard.

Mikey:
Boy, I hope they don't get stuck together like that.

Mollie:
Excuse me, I'm in labor.