Man with Two Brains

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Oh, it does, does it? Well, it's not your job to diagnose.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You thought, you thought. Just go. Three years of nursery school and you think you know it all. Well, you're still wet behind the ears. It's not a subdural hematoma. It's *epidural*. Ha.

Dolores:
The Complete Poems of John Lillison, England's greatest one-armed poet.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
He wrote 'In Dillan's Grove' and 'Pointy Birds.' O pointy birds, o pointy pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.

Dolores:
What are those a**holes doing on the porch?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Those aren't a**holes. It's pronounced *azaleas*.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Get that cat outta here.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
What are they saying?

Dr. Conrad:
They are just saying 'murmur, murmur, murmur.'

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You mean it's just sort of a general murmur?

Dr. Conrad:
Yeah. Murmur.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Oh.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You may *murmur* all you like.

Gladstone:
I wanted to inform the Doctor of her passing.

Dolores Benedict:
Passing what?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I'm making a citizen's annulment. Ipso facto coitus interruptus.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You. You're the elevator killer. Merv Griffin.

Merv Griffin:
Yeah.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Why?

Merv Griffin:
I don't know. I've always just loved to kill. I really enjoyed it. But then I got famous, and - it's just too hard for me. And so many witnesses. I mean, *everybody* recognized me. I couldn't even work anymore. I'd hear, "Who's that lurking over there? Isn't that Merv Griffin?" So I came to Europe to kill. And it's really worked out very well for me.

Inspector:
You are playing God.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
*Somebody* has to.

Dolores Benedict:
I get so excited when you get angry. It makes me feel so much closer to the reading of the will.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence.

Dr. Necessiter:
Nonsense. If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it.

Dr. Brandon:
Well, Dr. Beckerman was murdered in Europe - you know that.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Exactly. Not only is he dead, he's six thousand miles away.

Dolores Benedict:
If you lay one finger on me, I'll kill you.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

Dolores Benedict:
Nobody's going to keep me from working in this town.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I can't.

Fran:
Can't what?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I can't inject you with window cleaner.

Fran:
I don't mind. Hey, what does it do anyway?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
It causes your brain to die last.

Fran:
I don't mind.

Dolores Benedict:
I'll get you for this, you n*gger kike wop.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Into the mud, scum queen.

Dr. Necessiter's butler:
Can I get you anything more, doctor? I'm about to retire.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Really? You seem so young.

Butler:
You and your wife are expected for dinner.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
My wife won't be coming.

Butler:
Oh, I trust she is not ill?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
She's not ill, she's a cheap, vulgar slut.

Butler:
Ja, I have heard this.

Dr. Necessiter:
As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I couldn't f*** a gorilla.

Anne Uumellmahaye:
I don't think there's a girl floating in a jar anywhere who's as happy as I am.

Realtor:
Is that her?

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
No, its just a statue of her.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Would you read that last bit back to me? I'm afraid it might make me sound pompous to your readers.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
So many brains. I feel like a kid in a candy store.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
I could never f*** a Gorilla.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
Damn your drunk tests are hard.

Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr:
That was the best sexual experience I have ever had - without actually having sex.