Max Keeble's Big Move

Principal Jindraike:
you may be under the impression that I encourage horseplay and malarkey, you're wrong, I don't encourage it, I excourage it.

Max:
Excourage, sir?

Principal Jindraike:
It means the opposite of encourage, look it up.

Principal Jindraike:
This is completely without precedent, not only that, but it's never happened before!

Principal Jindraike:
You're a smart little boy, but so am I!

Principal Jindraike:
What do you want me to do? Do you want me to give my car to the smelly goat?

Max:
Goats don't drive, sir.

Principal Jindraike:
Too bad, ha ha, the smelly goat will never get my car!

Principal Jindraike:
CEASE!

Max:
See you bassoon.

6 Year Old Troy:
McGoogle ate Max's daddy! Ahh!

Dobbs:
Keeble! Caught your act in the assembly! Looks like you could use some help with managing your portfolio.

Max Keeble:
Hey, that's my lunch money!

Dobbs:
And you have it all in cash. Kid, let me hold this for a while and I'll set you up with a nice mutual fund.

[after Max just escaped the evil ice cream man, he arrives at Jenna's. Jenna is on her swing and walks up to Max]

Max:
Paper?

Jenna:
What took you so long?

Max:
I, uh, stopped to get an ice cream.

Principal Jindrake:
What is the meaning of this?

Max Keeble:
Hey, I didn't do that.

Principal Jindrake:
So you want to save the filthy little beasts, eh? Perhaps you want me to give the animals my car. Do you want me to give my car to the smelly goat?

Max Keeble:
Goats don't drive, sir.

Principal Jindrake:
I don't care what you want me to do. The smelly goat will never get my car. Ever.

Max Keeble:
The animals have nowhere to go. Some creep's closing down the shelter.

Principal Jindrake:
I'm closing down the shelter, silly boy.

Max Keeble:
What?

Principal Jindrake:
All I need now is the right bulldozer. I'm thinking big and yellow. Where did you think I was going to build Knebworth stadium? In your house? [sarcastically] Ha, ha. Your house. That's rich. There wouldn't be room.

Max Keeble:
Whoa.

Principal Jindrake:
So the second teacher says, "I agree. That's why they call it a lounge." Ha. Well, here we are in the Curtis Junior High library.

Superintendent Knebworth:
Hmm. Smallish.

Principal Jindrake:
Yes, but we're biggish on books...especially sports books. In fact, the one we're waiting for is Crazy Legs: The Bobby Knebworth Story.

[Max is distracted seeing his crush, Jenna, when he gets hit by the door and falls to the ground. Jenna walks up to him]

Jenna:
Are you okay?

Max:
[straining] Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. [picks himself up]

Jenna:
You look kind of familiar.

Max:
I deliver your paper. Um, I'm Max, Jenna.

Jenna:
Oh, yeah. So you go to school here now?

Max:
You play the clarinet.

Jenna:
[show her clarinet case] First chair.

Max:
I'm in band, too. I play the bassoon.

Jenna:
Hmm. Well, I'll see you later.

Max:
I'll see you, uh, bassoon. [Jenna turns and gives him a sweet smile] [annoyed] "See you bassoon"? Ugh. Stupid.

Max:
[leaves class after insulting his teacher he passes Jenna and her friend the hallway] Well, hello, sweetheart. [Jenna and her friend turn and Jenna smiles at Max]

[Max is on his way to Megan's house when he sees Jenna leaving her house]

Jenna:
Hey, Max.

Max:
Hi, Jenna.

Jenna:
Do you want to hang out? I'm meeting some friends at Buddies.

Max:
You know what? I actually gotta kinda be somewhere.

Jenna:
Oh, come on. Stay for one milk shake. It'll be fun.

Max:
Well...

[Jenna bends down to him and smiles sweetly]

Jenna:
One milkshake.

Max:
You know what? Okay. All right. One...milkshake.

[As Max and Jenna head to Buddies, Jenna wraps her arm around Max]

Max:
In a world where the messengers of truth... the couriers of justice, bravely go forth... to complete their appointed routes...

Computer Man in Voice:
Your mission... complete paper route in 30 minutes.

Max:
One lone hero stands out among the rest. One fearless rider has the fortitude... to deliver the goods. To stand up to the forces of darkness... the legions of doom, the armies of oppression... and the evil Ice Cream Man.

Evil Ice Cream Man:
Paperboy. Welcome to the ice age, paperboy! [speaking into microphone] ?I scream, you scream, We all scream for ice cream!? Oh, nuts! I forgot the sprinkles!

Tony Hawk:
Hey, Max. Ohh!

Evil Ice Cream Man:
Hmmm... A Tony Hawk sundae!

[gets hit by ice cream from the evil ice cream man]

Tony Hawk:
Oh, that Ice Cream Man sure is evil.

Evil Ice Cream Man:
[He jumps from his ice cream truck, and carries two ice cream scoopers, and starts talking as if he is in the old Chinese movies] Huh! Hah! I will defeat you... with my complicated fighting move.

Max:
[the words don't match his mouth] We shall see whose kung fu is superior. Hyah!

Evil Ice Cream Man:
Oh!

Max:
Yah! Paperboy power!

Evil Ice Cream Man:
Aah! Didn't hurt! You can run, but you can't hide, paperboy!

[after Max just escaped the evil ice cream man, he arrives at Jenna's. Jenna is on her swing and walks up to Max]

Max:
Paper?

Jenna:
What took you so long?

Max:
I, uh, stopped to get an ice cream.

Max:
Do you mind if I hang here for a while, because there's some people after me. I did some stuff. Yeah, you probably... Yeah I'm really sorry about the cafeteria. But Jindraike has no right to do what he's doing, and now my friends are gonna get whaled on because of me, and I can't do anything about it.

Janitor:
Any kid can make a mess. Takes a man to clean it up.

[leaves, Max sits alone in the janitor's office]

Max:
[narrating] It took a man with a plunger to make me realize that I had to do something. I thought I'd stood up to the bullies, but all I'd really done was hit and run. That's not courage. That's ex-courage.

School Nurse:
Now can you tell me what came between McGoogles and your fears? Is it something from your past or somebody?

Dobbs:
[shouting] Keeble!

Principal Jindraike:
Keeble.

Troy McGinty:
...Keeble.

Dobbs:
[to Max when they are about to bully him] You know how doctors say, "This isn't gonna hurt a bit"? Well, I'm not a doctor, and neither is McGinty here.

Troy McGinty:
He's right. [looks straight to Max closely] I'm not a doctor.

Dobbs:
[Shaking his hands like he's rapping] Yeeah!

[teacher wants Max to write a long essay due Friday]

Max:
Wait. Friday was the day I was moving. And this teacher was mean. She let Dobbs steal my money. She wanted to punish me when it wasn't my fault. But if I wasn't gonna be here, what could she really do to me, right? It was time to take a stand.

[Troy and Dobbs are surrounded by nerds]

Troy McGinty:
[sarcastically] I'm so scared.

Megan:
You should be. We're taking back our school.

Robe:
Yeah. No more being pushed around. No more being stepped on. No more Mr. Not-Nice-Guy.

Slav #1:
Your reign of terror over the student body has come to an abrupt halt!

[kids are surprised, until "slav" resumes fake accent]

Slav #1:
Yes, please.

Principal Jindraike:
Stop smiling! This isn't a happy place.

Evil Ice Cream Man:
[pulls in front of his bike] We meet again paperboy.

[laughs]

Max:
[narrating] Okay, Evil Ice Cream man, me - You're wondering why, right?

[Max throws a paper at the Evil Ice Cream Man and pedals off with the Evil Ice Cream Man speeding behind him]

Max:
Well, I found a cockroach in my snowcone, my Mom called the Health department and he got nailed. He's been trying to nail me ever since.

Evil Ice Cream Man:
[as a policeman on a motorcycle follows him] Drat, the Fuzz! This isn't over, paperboy!

[Cop walks up]

Evil Ice Cream Man:
Hello officer... Snow doodle?

Troy McGinty:
I pound on kids. That's what I do, that's what I do! You know what they call me up there?

[the school nurse nods her head no]

Troy McGinty:
The MacGoogler.

[Troy then sobs]

School Nurse:
Troy, easy. Now, I'd like to take you through a childhood regression process. It may bring up some unpleasant memories... but I think you'll find it helpful in the end. All righty?

Troy McGinty:
Mmm-hmm.

School Nurse:
[reveals Troy the MacGoogles doll] Now, give Mr. MacGoogles a hug.

Troy McGinty:
[acting frightened] Aah! Aah! He's gonna eat me!

[then sobs again]

School Nurse:
We've got some work to do.

Principal Jindraike:
[on loud speaker] Attention, students!

[students laugh]

Principal Jindraike:
Because of yesterday's crimes against the school, instigated by your former classmate Max Keeble, the following extracurricular activities are now suspended: art, music, P.E... fun! Suspended, discontinued, defunct!

Girl at Class:
Great. Your boyfriend Max Keeble just got us hosed.

Jenna:
He's just my paperboy. I never really liked him.

Principal Jindraike:
[teachers laugh, then Jindraike turns around and sees the fake Max Keeble with a peace sign] Keeble!

Entire Class:
[after Troy shows who his latest victim will be] Freak with Robe?

Robe:
[From behind glass] Help! Help! Let me out! let me out!

Max:
[Lets Robe out of the barrier] Now, he's a little claustrophobic, so he might... [watches Robe throw up] Hurl!

Robe:
What a waste of a perfectly good chili omelet...

[continues throwing up]

Max:
[talking to Jindraike with voiceover effect and pretending to do kung fu] I do not fear your dark powers, bald one.

[last lines]

Megan:
He did it!

Robe:
All right, Max!

Max:
[narrating] Yep, I did it. The animal shelter was safe; the bullies were cooked, and Jindraike got fired for fiddling with the budget. As for me and my friends, well, we were just happy the first week of school was over, now we could chill for the rest of the year.

[Max is riding his bike]

Evil Ice Cream Man:
[to Max] I'll get you, Paper Boy!

Max:
[narrating] Oh, man!

Max Keeble:
[To his father] If you rise up and show that you're not afraid...those people...will no longer have control over your lives.

Max Keeble:
[On the School TV] Attention, students, this is Max Keeble speaking. First, I'd like to say to my friends, Megan and Robe, that I, I know that I acted like a jerk, and I'm sorry for ever getting you involved in this. I screwed up, but you guys are my best friends, and that's forever. [Jindrake is walking through the halls] I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry. [Jindrake stops and backs up to see the TV] Probably doesn't matter to you anymore, but I'm not moving. [Jindrake: [Notices Max on the TV and runs to the office] KEEBLE!] And McGinty and Dobbs. It's me you want, so leave my friends alone. I may have run before, but I am all through running now. You want me, I'll be at the parking lot, 3:00.

Max Keeble:
[Jindrake: You've acted like a criminal, so I'm going to treat you like a criminal.] [Jindrake points model cannon at Max] I'm not a criminal. People who do crimes are criminals, like you.

Max Keeble:
[To Ms. Dingman] If you're ever in the windy city, [Kisses her hand] look me up. Anything.

Robe:
[Sees a Coca Cola can rolling on the bus floor] Sweet! A can!

Robe:
[To Max] Plausable Deniability...yeah, did you just make that up?

Robe:
[To McGinty and Dobbs] No more being pushed around! No more being stepped on on! No more...Mr. Not...Nice guy!

Robe:
[Looks at his fingers] I can't feel my fingers.

Robe:
[To Megan in class] McGinty says he's gonna pound me every day for the rest of my life.

Megan:
[To garbage covered Max] This is a bad Junior High! I can't believed McGinty did that to you!

Megan:
[To Robe in class] Dobbs says I have to give him all my money...[Irritable sigh] forever.

Principal Jindrake:
And now, an announcement from your principal. This is Principal Jindrake. All students will report to the assembly hall during third period for a special presentation. Attendance is mandatory. All must attend. Not attending is prohibited. That is all. Thank you.

Principal Jindrake:
This Thursday, Superintendent Knebworth will be here to inspect the school. And so I am upgrading my policy of zero tolerance to one of...sub-zero tolerance, which is more than zero.

Principal Jindrake:
And now, without any further ado...what's that I hear? The pitter-patter of little feet? Allow me to introduce to you the newest addition to the Curtis Junior High School Cottontails! Three foreign exchange students from Eastern Europe and their names are...unimportant because they're here to lead us to gridiron glory! Why, all they need is a place to play! Students, I give you your new football stadium!

Principal Jindrake:
I've got my eye on you, Max Keeble. You're on my list.

Principal Jindrake:
I don't care what you want me to do. The smelly goat will never get my car! Ever!

Principal Jindrake:
I'm closing down the shelter, silly boy!

Principal Jindrake:
And let me just remind the citizens of Curtis Junior High that we are now T-minus...several hours until the Superintendent Knebworth visit. That is all. Thank you.

Principal Jindrake:
Who?! WHO STARTED THIS?! If the culprit does not step forward THIS INSTANT, SWIFT and HORRIBLE RETRIBUTION awaits EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!

Principal Jindrake:
[To a young boy in the hallway] Oh, stop smiling! This isn't a Happy Place! [Knocks the boy's books to the ground]

Principal Jindrake:
Because of yesterday's crimes against the school, instigated by your former classmate, Max Keeble, the following extracurricular activities are now suspended: Art! Music! P.E.! FUN!! Suspended! Discontinued!! DEFUNCT!!

Principal Jindrake:
[To Max] I'm going to mete out a punishment to you that is so severe that future generations will refer to it as...The Keeble.

Troy Mcginty:
[To Robe] Hello, freak!

Troy Mcginty:
Keeble, I worked really hard on that display.

Troy Mcginty:
Told you it was gonna happen sooner or later, didn't I? Yes, I did! Yes, I did!

Troy Mcginty:
[To Robe] It's gonna be a long year for you, slim. I'm gonna pound you every day, and all thanks to your good friend, Keeble. Catch ya round, huh?

Troy Mcginty:
I pound on kids. That's what I do. That's what I do! This can't happen to me. You know what they're calling me out there? The McGoogler!

Dobbs:
Keeble! Caught your act in the assembly! Looks like you could use some help with managing your portfolio.

Dobbs:
Man, why don't you go get a real job, fool?

Dobbs:
Man, I thought I told you, their lunch money is mine, vendor.

Dobbs:
[To Megan] Let's just round it off to all your money forever! From here on in, you work for me.