Mr. Deeds

Crazy Eyes:
I watch the stock market channel all the time - I just watch because I suspect that anchor man of being an evil leprechaun... he can bullshit everybody else, but he ain't fooling me.

Emilio:
How can I ever pay you back, Deeds?

Longfellow Deeds:
All I want is you're friendship, man.

Emilio:
How about a billion dollars?

Longfellow Deeds:
Ok, that's fine too.

Longfellow Deeds:
Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...

Emilio:
I am, very very sneaky, sir.

Emilio:
The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.

Longfellow Deeds:
Oh, yeah. I've heard that before

Jan:
I'm sorry all I heard was blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp.

Longfellow Deeds:
Bu bu bu bu bullshit.

Longfellow Deeds:
It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.

Longfellow Deeds:
What up, Chuck?

Chuck Cedar:
Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.

Cecil Anderson:
That would explain a lot.

Longfellow Deeds:
Are you sure about that?

Longfellow Deeds:
Hey Crazy Eyes, I got your pizza just how you like it.

Crazy Eyes:
French Fries and Oreos. You know me too well, Deeds.

Crazy Eyes:
I wasn't talking to you Deeds. I was talking to that squirrel.

John McEnroe:
I like the way you beat up those guys who were making fun of you. It was pretty cool.

Longfellow Deeds:
Yeah I bet you know what it's like to get all riled up Johnny Mac.

John McEnroe:
That I do.

Consuela Lopez:
Would you like me to wipe the leaves of your fichus tree?

Crazy Eyes:
Time heals all things... except these crazy eyes.

Cat Lady:
I'm not leaving without my cats.

Longfellow Deeds:
How many cats do you have?

Cat Lady:
Seven.

Longfellow Deeds:
Holy sh*t. Lets get cracking.

Rev. Al Sharpton:
That was freaky.

Crazy Eyes:
I thought we were watching Scooby Doo.

Murph:
Hey look, Deeds is hanging out with John McEnroe.

Crazy Eyes:
I love The Beach Boys.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson":
Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.

Longfellow Deeds:
Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse.

Babe:
I'm that excited.

Babe:
I'm Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Westchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

Mac McGrath:
Yeah right. You a virgin.

Babe:
And this is my brother Denny's room,

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson":
they didn't like my brother very much.

Rev. Al Sharpton:
Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams. Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.

Longfellow Deeds:
SO how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?

Jan:
Where were you kicking? I ain't got no balls, dummy.

Jan:
I always wanted to be a man.

delivery man:
Holy Sh*t, it's a cat!

Emilio:
I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness sir.

Cecil Anderson:
Is Mrs. Deeds around?

Jan:
Mrs. Deeds? I don't think that poor boy ever had a date.

Emilio:
Usually, when you are black out drunk you don't dream... or so I read.

Babe:
Awww, he's choking. We should leave.

Emilio:
Here take an aspirin.They make your head seem smaller.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson":
Hard to breathe, feels like floating So full of love, my heart's exploding Mouth is dry, hands are shaking My heart is yours, for the taking Acting weird, not myself Dancing around, like the Keebler elf Finally time, for this poor shlub.

Babe, aka "Pam Dawson":
To know how it feels, to fall in lub.

Longfellow Deeds:
Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.

Deeds:
You climbed mountains and built skyscrapers.

You made TV shows and put out newspapers.

You were wicked good at doing stocks.

You liked it when Emilio would change your socks.

We never hung out and that makes me sad.

All the good times we could've had.

But when I die, Uncle Preston, you better say "Cheers".

Cause when me and you are hanging at the pearly gates, I'll bring the beers. I'll bring the beers.

Reverend Sharpton:
Nice rhyme, nice rhyme.

[Deeds talks to the pilots]

Deeds:
You guys football fans? I think the Pats could take the conference this year. I mean, the Dolphins are overrated and the Jets are choke artists.

Pilot:
I wouldn't say that, Mr. Deeds.

Deeds:
Just Deeds. Why's that, though?

Pilot:
You own the Jets, Deeds.

Deeds:
I do?! Whoa! That sucks. Jeez. I hope they don't play the Pats in the playoffs, or I'll have to kill myself.

Emilio:
How can I thank you?

Deeds:
All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.

Emilio:
Deeds! How about a billion dollars?

Deeds:
All right.

Emilio:
Done.

[Cecil raises his hand after Cedar asks if anyone knows a doctor that just faxed them]

Cedar:
Congratulations, you have a spastic colon.

Cecil:
That would explain a lot.

Deeds:
What are you in for?

Crazy Eyes:
Eh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.

[waves his hand]

Crazy Eyes:
He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.

Deeds:
You sure about that?

Crazy Eyes:
I don't know, maybe he was just wavin'.

[waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil]

Crazy Eyes:
Who're your friends?

Deeds:
This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.

Crazy Eyes:
I don't like 'em.

Deeds:
Okay, then.

Deeds:
Crazy Eyes.

Crazy Eyes:
Hey, Deeds.

Deeds:
How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.

Crazy Eyes:
Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.

Consuela:
Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?

Blake:
You can call me Preston.

Consuela:
Want me to wipe the leaves on your ficus tree, Preston?

Blake:
Yes. Yes! YES!

[they embrace wildly]

[in Coretta's burning apartment]

Coretta:
I'm not leaving without me kitties.

Deeds:
How many cats do you have?

Coretta:
7.

Deeds:
Holy sh*t. Lets get cracking. I apologize for the language.

Coretta:
Apology accepted.

Deeds:
So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?

Reuben:
Oh, it has its ups and downs.

[both laugh]

[Babe is fighting against Jan, and Babe just kicked her in the crotch several times]

Jan:
Where were you kickin'? I ain't got no balls, dummy!

[last lines]

Crazy Eyes:
[drives his new Corvette] Damn, these things are fast!

[he floors it and crashes into a tree]

Crazy Eyes:
I'm okay! [laughs] I'm okay!

Babe:
[reads the card Deeds wrote for her] Hard to breathe, feels like floating.

So full of love, my heart's exploding.

Mouth is dry, hands are shaking.

My heart is yours for the taking.

Acting weird, not myself.

Dancing around like the Keebler elf.

Finally time, for this poor schlub

to know how it feels, to fall in lub.

Deeds:
I couldn't think of anything else that rhymes with schlub. Rub and tub didn't work.

Mac:
Are you gonna see him again tonight?

Babe:
Yes. I'm calling him around 4:00. It's when I get off work. Remember, I'm Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

[both laugh]

Mac:
That's priceless! You, a virgin!

Cedar:
We're looking for somebody. Longfellow Deeds.

Murph:
Wow! Is that Deeds' first name?

Cecil:
Well, if the Deeds you're referring to is Longfellow Deeds, then yes, that is Deeds's first name.

Murph:
Well, I don't know Deeds's first name. Maybe it's Greg.

Cecil:
Maybe it's Longfellow.

Murph:
Maybe. But I don't know. I know another guy named Greg. You want me to call him up?

Cedar:
No! Thank you. Please. Just tell us where Deeds lives.

Cedar:
Excuse me. Is Mr. Deeds around?

Jan:
No, I'm sorry. He's out making deliveries. The regular delivery guy called in sick. But you don't look too sick to me, Murph.

Murph:
Oh! I forgot I was fakin' sick today. [to Cedar and Cecil] You two tricked me into comin' here.

Jan:
Murph, put on an apron and gimme a hand.

Murph:
[sets to work] You guys played me like a fiddle. Touche!

Cecil:
Is Mrs. Deeds around?

Jan:
Mrs. Deeds!? I don't think that poor boy ever had a date.

Rev. Sharpton:
Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above,

because he lived a life of love.

Yes, he's flying way up high,

because he was a supercool guy.

He's gone away too soon, it seems,

leaving behind his unfinished dreams.

Deeds:
[impressed] This guy could make a fortune writing greeting cards.

Rev. Sharpton:
Yes, we remember Preston Blake.

A man with faith no man could shake.

A strength no man could break.

A character no man could fake.

For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.

Funeral attendants:
Amen.

Deeds:
Amen!