Mystery Men

The Blue Raja:
May the forks be with us.

The Shoveller:
We've got a blind date with Destiny - and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.

Mr. Furious:
I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines.

The Sphinx:
We are number one. All others are number two, or lower.

The Blue Raja:
I'm a superhero, Mother. An effete British superhero.

Monica:
I don't find you threatening.

Mr. Furious:
Well, you're... kind.

Monica:
At all.

The Shoveller:
We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys.

The Shoveller:
God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shove very well.

Mr. Furious:
Right now I'm kinda like a powder keg.

Mr. Furious:
After all, I am a ticking time bomb of fury.

The Sphinx:
To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn.

The Sphinx:
You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.

The Sphinx:
He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions.

The Sphinx:
You must be like wolf pack, not six-pack.

The Shoveller:
We fight crime. Call it what you will.

The Bowler:
Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today.

Mr. Furious:
Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt.

Mr. Furious:
You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit".

Mr. Furious:
Looks like tonight the lone wolf rides... alone

Vic Weems:
I'm a publicist, not a magician.

The Bowler:
There's another chicken. Crazy chicken world.

The Sphinx:
When you care what is outside, what is inside cares for you.

Mr. Furious:
What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns?

The Blue Raja:
There's no theme at all here.

Mr. Furious:
Weak.

The Blue Raja:
At best.

Mr. Furious:
See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain.

The Shoveller:
And who are you, the Disco Plumber?

The Blue Raja:
Well, there's The Sphinx.

Mr. Furious:
Who?

The Blue Raja:
The Sphinx.

The Shoveller:
Yeah, I've heard of this guy. He's a big crime-fighter down south.

Mr. Furious:
What's his power?

The Blue Raja:
Well, he's terribly mysterious.

Mr. Furious:
That's his power, he's mysterious?

The Blue Raja:
He's TERRIBLY mysterious, actually.

The Shoveller:
Yeah, plus he can cut guns in half with his mind.

The Spleen:
I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS. I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS.

Invisible Boy:
Doe's your power still work?

The Spleen:
Uh-oh, weapons check. Pull my fingers.

The Spleen:
It'll do.

Mr. Furious:
Rage... taking over...

Casanova Frankenstein:
Yes, yes, we've heard that before.

Mr. Furious:
No. Rage... REALLY taking over...

Capt. Amazing:
I knew you couldn't change.

Casanova Frankenstein:
I knew you'd know that.

Capt. Amazing:
Oh, I know that. AND I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.

Casanova Frankenstein:
But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know THAT?

Capt. Amazing:
Of course.

The Blue Raja:
Am I to understand that you have inserted your father's skull in that ball for bowling?

The Bowler:
No, the guy at the pro shop did it.

The Shoveller:
We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.

Mr. Furious:
What kinda crazy man blows up a crazy house?

Mr. Furious:
Now we went through this yesterday. That "jeep" is actually an armored car of some kind. It was made to withstand bombs, I can't just rip it apart with a crowbar.

Mr. Furious:
I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open.

Casanova Frankenstein:
It is "Pandora."

Mr. Furious:
Please don't correct me, it sickens me.

The Spleen:
Hiya fellas. Word on the street is you're lookin' for superheroes.

The Bowler:
I would like to dedicate my victory to supporters of local music and those who seek out independent films.

Mr. Furious:
I just want to tell you that if I don't call you it's because I'm dead.

The Sphinx:
You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.

Mr. Furious:
We're an elite cadr-cadrey...

The Bowler:
Cadre.

The Shoveller:
You're in.

Lucille:
If just one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you.

The Shoveller:
That's fair.

The Blue Raja:
You're boy's a limey fork-flinger, Mother. What *will* the bridge club say?

Blue Raja's mother:
You need more forks?

The Shoveller:
If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor...

Mr. Furious:
That's because Lance Hunt *IS* Captain Amazing

The Shoveller:
Don't start that *again*. Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing *doesn't* wear glasses.

Mr. Furious:
He takes them off when he transforms.

The Shoveller:
That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see.

The Bowler:
There's not enough beer in the world Spleen, I'm sorry.

The Bowler:
See now, this is why mad scientists are generally less desirable than your common or garden variety scientist.

Invisible Boy:
I'm invisible. Can you see me?

Mr. Furious:
Okay, am I the only one who finds these sayings just a little bit formulaic? "If you want to push something down, you have to pull it up. If you want to go left, you have to go right." It's...

The Sphinx:
Your temper is very quick, my friend. But until you learn to master your rage...

Mr. Furious:
...your rage will become your master? That's what you were going to say. Right? Right?

The Sphinx:
Not necessarily.

The Shoveller:
So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?

The Shoveller:
You're the master of cutlery. You can't throw a knife somtimes when someone's trying to kill me?

The Blue Raja:
No, I can't. You can't use a rake sometimes?

The Shoveller:
No, I'm the Shoveller.

The Blue Raja:
Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man. I'm not Knifey Boy. I'm the Blue Raja.

Mr. Furious:
Frack you later, Frankenpuss.

Mr. Furious:
That could work. I'm a loose cannon. I'm unpredictable. I stormed off, why can't I storm back?

Monica:
Or, you could just say you're sorry.

Mr. Furious:
Do you think there's a really angry way I can say I'm sorry?

Casanova Frankenstein:
Stick vith me, Tony, and you vill dance again.

Tony P.:
You're baby Bowler!

The Bowler:
Is there a problem with that?

Tony P.:
I'm the guy that gave your daddy the shaft.

The Shoveller:
Watch it, Spleen, you're going to kill someone with that thing!

Dr. Heller:
Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal.

The Bowler:
Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while at the same time being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day.

Waffler:
I... am the Waffler. With my griddle of justice, I BASH the enemy in the head, or I burn them like so! I also have some truth syrup, which is low in fat.

Tony P.:
Disco is NOT dead!

Casanova Frankenstein:
Mmm, oh, this is a fine, elegant Harvey Wallbanger.

Capt. Amazing:
Even when it's sucked by scum like you?

The Shoveller:
All right, I'll take point, you two flank. Let's triangulate.

The Spleen:
Equilateral or isosceles?

The Bowler:
The police ruled my father's death a suicide. They said he fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.

Mr. Furious:
I forgot my address book. Have you seen it? It's denim... with a kitten on the front... says "hang tough"...

The Spleen:
Why are you guys always dissing me? It hurts my feelings. I'm a superhero too. I have powers.

Invisible Boy:
Really? Like what?

The Spleen:
So glad you asked. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, it all started when I was just 13 years of age. One day, while walking with some friends, I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. BIG MISTAKE! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I smelled it, she decreed I would forevermore BE HE WHO DEALT IT!

The Shoveller:
The Shoveller is hammered!!

Vic the publicist:
I think right now we should focus on the positive. Tonight was good.

Captain Amazing:
Yeah - you think so? 'Cause I was worried it was, um, I don't know... PATHETIC! "Amazing triumphs at a nursing home"? That's great copy, Vic.

Vic:
Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. You want big news, you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain. And thanks to you, we've got none left.

Captain Amazing:
Then get... the... Death Man!

Vic:
Death Man is dead.

Captain Amazing:
Okay — Father Doom.

Vic:
Life without parole. Apocalypto's doing fifty years. Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron von Chaos got the chair —

Captain Amazing:
Really?

Vic:
Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nut-house.

Captain Amazing:
Casanova Frankenstein - now there was a supervillain! You know, he just... he's got those eyes, you know? I can't do it, but... and that voice! Such pure evil! The battles we used to have — extraordinary!

Vic:
"Used to." That's the problem, Captain. "Used to."

[When Mr. Furious suggests they employ a publicist]

The Shoveler:
What are we gonna publicise, Roy? The fact that we get our butts kicked? A lot?

Mr. Furious:
[Annoyed] Well, maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a shovel every time we went out, we'd have a few more victories to brag about.

Shoveler:
All right now, I'm sorry about that. I just have a tendency to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck in my rear end.

Blue Raja:
Oh, oh — I get it! So your shovel in his face is my fault?

Shoveler:
You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff.

Mr. Furious:
Yeah, what was up with that?

Blue Raja:
I-I, I'm embarrassed about that. I thought it was a fork.

Shoveler:
You're the master of cutlery. You couldn't throw a knife sometimes when someone's trying to kill me?

Blue Raja:
No, I can't! You couldn't, ah, use a rake sometimes?

Shoveler:
No. I'm the Shoveler.

Blue Raja:
Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man, I'm not Knifey Boy — I'm the Blue Raja.

Mr. Furious:
Yeah, that's another thing.

Blue Raja:
[Defensive] What?

Mr. Furious:
Well, you could work a little blue into the uniform somewhere. I mean you've got green, you've got this little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything but blue.

Blue Raja:
Well, if we could just step out of our literal minds, just for a moment.

Mr. Furious:
Do you see what I see?

Shoveler:
It's Tony C!

Blue Raja:
And Tony P, leader of the Disco Boys! But what, pray tell, would he be doing back in town?

Mr. Furious:
Maybe it's time to do some following to find out.

Casanova Frankenstein:
Ah, the old Disco Room. Just as I left it.

Tony P:
You been locked up for twenty years, Casanova. A lot of things have changed since then.

Casanova Frankenstein:
It must have been hard for you, Tony, the way times and styles have changed... hearing the people say that disco is dead...

Tony P:
[Snapping] Disco is not dead! Disco is LIFE!

Casanova Frankenstein:
Yes, Tony! That is the passion I remember! Stick with me, Tony, and you will dance again... when I rule this town.

Casanova Frankenstein:
Captain Amazing — what a surprise.

Captain Amazing:
Really? I'm not so sure about that. Your first night of freedom and you blow up the asylum. Interesting choice. I knew you couldn't change.

Casanova:
I knew you'd know that.

Captain Amazing:
Oh, I know. And I knew you'd know I'd know you knew.

Casanova:
But I didn't. I only knew that you'd know that I knew. Did you know that?

Captain Amazing:
... Of course.

Captain Amazing:
We've always been each other's greatest nemesises... uh, nemesee... wh-what's the plural on that?

Casanova Frankenstein:
[Wearily] Nemeses.

Captain Amazing:
Whatever. You're going to prison for life this time, Casanova. You see, here in Champion City we still do a fairly brisk trade... in justice.

Casanova:
I thought it was all about publicity and keeping your sponsors happy.

Captain Amazing:
See, it's that kind of cynicism that I truly feel is starting to poison society.

Captain Amazing:
Lookee here — a multi-frequency radio detonator! You really should be more careful when discarding incriminating evidence.

Casanova Frankenstein:
Oh, no, no, no, no. This is an amusing little gizmo. It's really quite cool.

Captain Amazing:
Yeah? What is it? [the gizmo emits a spurt of vapor into his face] Yuck!

Casanova:
It's a chloroform-deploying portable enticement snare.

Captain Amazing:
Aw, DANG! [he collapses]

Casanova:
Poor Lancie. You really are so predictable.

Tony P:
What do we got here?

Tony C:
I think they're supposed to be jive superheroes.

Tony P:
Well, they made a big mistake coming to Casanova's place. [he draws a gun; the heroes snicker.] What's so funny?

Mr. Furious:
That's it? That's your power? You have guns? Couldn't you be a little more creative than that?

Blue Raja:
Pardon the impertinence, guv'nor, but what the devil does a pistol have to do with disco?

Disco Boy:
It's a Saturday Night Special.

Mr. Furious:
Weak.

Blue Raja:
At best. [more Disco Boys arrive, armed with a variety of blunt instruments.]

Shoveler:
Check out the guy with the pipe. What are you, the Disco Plumber?

Blue Raja:
There's no theme at all here, mates!

Mr. Furious:
I mean, if you're gonna carry a chain, at least make it a gold chain, and that's just off the top of my head... [To Tony C] Yo, what's up, Tiger Lily?

Tony C:
Top of your head, huh?

[The Disco Boys beat the heroes up]

Captain Amazing:
Listen, I really think we need to talk about your plans here.

Casanova Frankenstein:
You know my plans, Lancie. Tomorrow night... I'm going to kill you.

Captain Amazing:
Right. That's the part that really doesn't work for me.

[The Shoveler's wife finds superhero tryouts being conducted in her back yard]

Lucille:
Oh, I don't deserve this!

Shoveler:
I know.

Lucille:
A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie. Still are.

Shoveler:
I understand.

Lucille:
If one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you.

Shoveler:
That's fair.

Lucille:
Mm-hmm. Come on, kids!

Bowler:
Have you ever heard of Carmine the Bowler?

Shoveler:
Have we ever heard...

Blue Raja:
Cor blimey, miss, don't tell us you're the Bowler's daughter!

Mr. Furious:
I seem to remember there being a little controversy around his death.

Bowler:
That's right. The police said it was an accident. He'd come home late one night and fell down an elevator shaft. Onto some bullets.

Blue Raja:
You know, I've always suspected a bit of foul play.

Bowler:
As have I.

Bowler:
So you're a British man who converted to Islam, sort of like Cat Stevens?

Blue Raja:
No. Until the early part of this century, India was in fact part of the British Empire, whose government there was called the British Raj after the Hindi word for "sovereignty". Furthermore —

Bowler:
Wait — so sorry. [to her bowling ball] What? DAD! No, he's not a commie, nor a fruit. [to the Blue Raja] Sorry. His ignorance embarrasses me.

Blue Raja:
Sorry, but am I to understand that you've inserted your father's skull inside of that... ball for bowling?

Bowler:
No. The guy at the pro shop did it.

Tony P:
You guys never learn, do you?

Blue Raja:
Apparently we don't — ass!

Invisible Boy:
So what's the name of this team? How about the Super Squad?

[Tony P and Tony C appear with gun-toting Disco Boys]

Tony P:
How about the Six Dead Guys in Their Stupid Costumes? No, no, no — the Magnificent Dead Guys. How about that?

Tony C:
How about the Legendary Superfreaks?

Tony P:
Way too positive. They totalled our car.

[As a training exercise, Mr. Furious is trying to balance a small hammer on his head]

Mr. Furious:
Why am I doing this again?

Sphinx:
When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack.

Mr. Furious:
And why am I wearing the watermelon on my feet?

Sphinx:
I don't remember telling you to do that.

[When the Spleen is playing around in Heller's laboratory]

The Shoveler:
You're gonna kill someone with that.

Dr. Heller:
No, no, no - you see, everything here is non-lethal.

The Shoveler:
Non-lethal? What?

Dr. Heller:
I don't make weapons that kill.

The Bowler:
Oh, I see. How delightfully eccentric of you. Whilst simultaneously being a complete waste of our time.

Shoveler:
Doctor, you are a genius.

Dr. Heller:
That's what the card says.

[Rescuing Captain Amazing]

The Shoveler:
Captain, I'm just going to ask you directly; do you know billionaire Lance Hunt?

Captain Amazing:
It's me. [Shoveler looks surprised and disappointed] Nah, I'm only kiddin' ya - I always wanted to do that.

[Rescuing Captain Amazing from Casanova's weapon of mass destruction]

Captain Amazing:
Now flip the second toggle.

The Bowler:
[Having already flipped on his instructions once] ... Again?

Captain Amazing:
What do you mean?

The Bowler:
Flip the toggle twice?

Captain Amazing:
No-no-no, don't do that, just flip it again, now, one time! Flip it.

The Bowler:
[To Mr. Furious] ... Does he understand what I'm asking?

Mr. Furious:
Hold on a second - Captain, exactly how many toggle flips in toto are involved in this procedure?

Captain Amazing:
[Flustered] I just - I - Seven!

Mr. Furious:
[Incredulous] Seven?!

Captain Amazing:
[A little hysterical] Flip it!!

[The weapon begins to hum omniously and increasingly loudly]

The Bowler:
Hold the phone! Everybody hold the phone. You phrased that incorrectly. We need to know how many toggle flips are needed not counting the gratuitous toggle flip you may have asked for in a moment of panic.

Captain Amazing:
[Very hysterical] FLIP IT!!!

Mr. Furious:
Okay, you know what, can we just start again? Is there like a reset button on this thing or something?

Captain Amazing:
No you little freak, there's no button for resetting! Flip the switch, lady! Don't look at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron!

The Bowler:
[Offended] Whoa! I am not a moron.

Captain Amazing:
You're a moron! You're a moron! Flip the switch, lady!

Mr. Furious:
[Gently rebuking] Hey, don't call her a moron, that's not cool...

The Bowler:
Thank you!

Blue Raj:
[Fed up] I'll do it! I'll do it! It's this one, yes?

The Bowler:
No!

[Blue Raj flips the wrong switch - the weapon activates]

Captain Amazing:
Uh-oh - wrong switch.

[The weapon kills Captain Amazing in a horrific and grotesque fashion as the Mystery Men watch, appalled]

Mr. Furious:
... Everybody heard me say 'reset button', right?

Blue Raja:
[Horrified] Oh my God... Oh my God, we've killed him...

The Shoveler:
What do you mean, 'we'? I was right here.

[The Bowler approaches Amazing's fried, calcified and mutated corpse cautiously]

The Bowler:
I'm gonna check his pulse...

[She gently touches his wrist; it breaks off from his arm and smashes into pieces on the floor]

The Bowler:
... I don't think he's gonna pull through.

[Escaping Casanova Frankenstein's mansion after bungling the rescue]

The Spleen:
Where's Captain Amazing?

Blue Raja:
[Stressed] There's been a bit of a cock-up, actually...

The Bowler:
Raja murdered him!

[They begin to squabble]

Mr. Furious:
Guys? I think we have a bigger fish to fry right now.

Blue Raja:
Sphinx, what do we do?

Sphinx:
Sometimes, the true hero is the one with the courage to run away.

Bowler:
I like the way this man thinks!

Invisible Boy:
Let's run.

Shoveler:
We can't run.

Bowler:
Oh, yes! Oh, yes — it's been established that we can run.

Invisible Boy:
But I don't want to get frakulated!

The Bowler:
Psycho-frakulated.

Invisible Boy:
We still get frakulated!