Old School

Mitch Martin:
True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend...

Mitch:
Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?

Cab Driver:
I recommend you stop being such a f*ggot. You're in the backseat.

Frank:
You tell anyone about this and I'll f***ing kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by midnight.

Frank:
We're going streaking.

Beanie:
Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.

Frank:
I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Damnit.

Frank:
This is Frank Ricard...

Frank:
You know I was thinking we could go back home... have some dinner and pop in the Sisqo CD... no? Weren't thinking that? Ok.

Waiter:
Love, it's a motherf***er, huh?

Spanish:
Damn, I gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster.

Spanish:
Yea, but its part time... dick.

Beanie:
Well, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart man.

Beanie:
Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.

Therapist:
Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.

Frank:
Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

Beanie:
I know a really good sand guy.

Mitch:
At this point, you might be asking yourself, 'why am I holding this 30lb. Cinder block in my hands? You might also ask yourself, 'why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it? And finally, why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?

Andy Dick:
He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But thats neither here nor there.

Andy Dick:
You know, when I get back there, I'm going to show you something called crouching tiger, hidden penis.

Frank:
I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.

Frank:
Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

Mitch:
I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some f***ing sleep.

Beanie:
Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "F***, sh*t, b*tch."

Frank:
Cock. Balls.

Beanie:
I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Frank:
Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?

Blue:
Just ring the f***ing bell, you pansy.

Frank:
BLUE! Do you trust that we have provided you with enough rope so that your cinder block will fall safely to the ground?

Blue:
Y-Yes sir.

Frank:
Blue do you trust that I do not want to see you die here tonight?

Blue:
Yes sir.

Frank:
Blue you're my boy!

Blue:
Thank you sir.

Frank:
I see Blue, He look's glorious.

Weensie:
Listen, this is a serious situation. I mean, I'm kicked out of school. I don't know what I'm gonna do, man. My mom's gonna kill me.

Mitch:
C'mon, she's not gonna kill you.

Weensie:
Yes she is. See, I'm the first one to go to college in my family and when I left she said, "Weensie, if you screw this up, I'll kill you." She showed me the knife.

Mitch:
Please be honest with me. Tell me this is the first time this has ever happened.

Heidi:
Well, do you want me to be honest or do you want me to tell you this is the first time?

Mitch:
Yeah?

Beanie:
Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a f***ing marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

Frank:
A little housewarming gift.

Mitch:
I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

Frank:
This model?

Mitch:
That exact one.

Beanie:
I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.

Marissa:
Listen, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday.

Frank:
My birthday? What do you mean?

Marissa:
Yeah, last Thursday. Oh, you forgot your birthday, didn't you, Frank?

Frank:
Damn it. I'm such an idiot.

Mitch:
All I want to do is get some f***ing sleep.

Beanie:
Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.

Beanie:
Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.

Marissa:
That's really, loud.

Frank:
Yeah, thanks. Took the restrictor plate off to give the Red Dragon a little more juice. But it's not exactly street legal, so keep it on the down low.

Frank:
Hey Mike!

Beanie:
You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?

Beanie:
Spanish what the hell are you doing?

Spanish:
I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.

Beanie:
Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.

Spanish:
You're right, I'm sorry, sir.

Beanie:
Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.

Frank:
So what do you guys like better? Nurse or cheerleader? Oh, hi Nicole. Have fun at the wedding?

Andy Dick:
Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stinks. And that is now why I have a lazy eye.

Jerry:
That was great.

Frank:
What happened? I blacked out.

Dean Pritchard:
Listen, Chang.

Dean Pritchard:
Whatever.

Frank:
That's how you do it. That's how you debate.

Beanie:
Girls love a guy who's in your situation.

Mitch:
What situation?

Beanie:
Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.

Frank:
Yea, I'm cool either way. I just have to run it by Marissa.

Frank:
I'm messing with you guys.

Beanie:
Not funny. Not funny. And now the baby is upset.

Marissa:
Just as long as you promise to take it easy.

Frank:
What do you mean?

Marissa:
You know exactly what I mean. You've come along way since Frank the Tank and we don't want him coming back do we?

Frank:
Honey, Frank the Tank is not coming back, ok? That part of me is over. Water under the bridge. I promise.

Beanie:
He's playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.

Beanie:
Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.

Beanie:
Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over...

Beanie:
Max can you earmuff it for me?

Beanie:
That whore you dated.

Mitch:
I wasn't looking for a girl like that.

Beanie:
Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.

Frank:
I just wanna tell you guys thanks for being here. Best day ever.

Beanie:
Frank, you need to walk away from this right now.

Mitch:
A professor lived here for like thirty years and died.

Beanie:
That's awesome.

Beanie:
Don't say sorry to me, Frank. Say it to the baby.

Frank:
Sorry, baby.

Mitch:
So what are you? Campus security?

Beanie:
Jevohah Witness?

Beanie:
That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred.

Beanie:
Weensie, you're on lifeguard duty.

Weensie:
Sir, I can't swim, sir.

Frank:
Speak when spoken to.

Beanie:
Who's life is ruined?

Mitch:
Lets see. Blue's dead. Franks divorced. I've lost my house. Nicole thinks I'm a total jackass. And we got nine kids who are gonna get expelled from school and you're not even gonna help them out.

Mitch:
Wow. Cheese. Is that you?

Dean Pritchard:
Hello, Mitch. Bernard. I see you guys haven't changed much.

Beanie:
Who's this guy?

Mitch:
Beanie, you remember Cheese, Rodney's kid brother?

Dean Pritchard:
Actually, my name's not Cheese anymore. It's Gordon Pritchard.

Beanie:
Oh yeah. Cheeeeeese. Yeah, didn't we lock you in a dumpster one time?

Dean Pritchard:
Yea, I got out.

Beanie:
Cool man. Good. Glad you did.

Frank:
I had an awesome time!

Beanie:
I know that you had an awesome time. I think the entire town knows you had an awesome time.

Beanie:
And wouldn't you want those times to keep on going?

Beanie:
What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather.

Frank:
All we are is dust in the wind...

Garry:
You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now ladies these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!

Frank:
What do you think, Max? It's got three speeds.

Beanie:
Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.

Waiter:
And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house.

Waiter:
You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having pie and coffee with a living legend.

Mitch:
Well, yes but Blue was really old. And I feel pretty confident when we get the autopsy back it'll say natural causes.

Frank:
Dear Mitch, if you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors. The windows. Everything. We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112. I love you. Frank

Beanie:
Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus.

Frank:
Actually, I'd like to jump in and take that one, Jimmy, if you don't mind.

Beanie:
Mitch is a laywer , buddy. He'll find a way out for us.

Beanie:
You're the lady, Marissa. High five.

Frank:
Blue's over there. But he's wasted.

Frank:
Don't worry. The pledges will clean it up.

Mitch:
I haven't seen Frank's dad in like eight years.

Frank:
I love you dad.

Frank:
Jerry, are you a statistics major or something?

Jerry:
Actually I am. Minoring in Hebrew science.

Frank:
Well, I didn't know that. Because you didn't tell me. Now I look like a jackass.

Beanie:
No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though.

Garry:
Ok, ladies the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met a TGI Fridays.

Garry:
Who's hungry? Who's hungry? Who's hungry?

Beanie:
Because this is a very big idea my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly age have bearing whatsoever.

Beanie:
Yeah, from the guy who probably won't get in.

Jerry:
I go to school here...

Beanie:
Yeah, so?

Jerry:
What will you have to do with the university?

Beanie:
Legally speaking there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.

Mitch:
This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college.

Mitch:
Who's this guy?

Beanie:
Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.

Mitch:
He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?

Beanie:
You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.

Beanie:
What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party.

Frank:
Honey, you think KFC is still open?

Mitch:
Beanie, you remember, Cheese.

Beanie:
Oh yea. Cheeeeese.

Dean Pritchard:
Are you a comedian now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.

Beanie:
I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?

Frank:
In this corner, weighing in at 110 pounds and pushing 89 years of age and the recent recipient of a brand new plastic hip, Joseph "Blue" Polaski.

Mark:
What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there.

Frank:
No it's cool man, bring your green hat!

Beanie:
Can you do me a favor and tell Mitch it's perfectly okay to have sex with a 17-year-old?

Lara Campbell:
Oh, yeah. It's fine, if you're 18 or you live in Louisiana.

Mitch Martin:
Denver? The sunshine state? Gorgeous!

Woman:
[holding a grocery bag] What are you doing?

Frank:
You tell anyone about this and I'll f***ing kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by midnight. [reaches into the grocery bag and takes out cheese balls]

Spanish:
Damn, I gonna end up workin' at Red Lobster.

Frat Brother:
You already work at Red Lobster.

Spanish:
Yea, part time... dick.

Mitch:
I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some f***ing sleep.

Beanie:
I...I don't know why you gotta do it...in front of the kid, with the f'in. All you gotta do is say earmuffs to him, [to kid] "earmuffs", and you can say "f***, sh*t, b*tch"...whatever you want.

Frank:
Cock. Balls.

Beanie:
OK. I'm just proving a point. You don't have to celebrate it, Frank.

Frank:
Blue, how come there's no ice in my lemonade?

[throws the lemonade into the pool]

Blue:
Sorry, sir.

Frank:
Drop down and give me ten. Now!

Blue:
[bends down into a push-up position] Yes, sir.

[Two girls are topless in the pool of KY jelly, waiting to wrestle Blue]

Frank:
Are you sure you're ok with this, Blue?

Blue:
Just ring the f***ing bell, you pansy.

Man at door:
Hello.

Mitch:
Yeah?

Man at door:
I'm here for the gangbang...

Frank:
A little housewarming gift. To new beginnings.

Mitch:
I actually gave this to you for your wedding.

Frank:
This model?

Mitch:
This exact one.

Frank:
I'm sorry, I'm, I'm embarassed.

Mitch:
I hope you like it.

Frank:
I Love it... thank you.

Peppers:
She's a beauty, ain't she?

Frank:
Yeah, what kind of gun is this?

Peppers:
It's a tranquilizer gun. If any of these little f***ers decide to freak out on the kids, I get to take them down. Ain't that right? [yanks on the mule's reigns] Oh, what? That's what I thought. Shut up.

[Frank c*cks the gun]

Peppers:
Hey, hey. Careful with that. That's the most powerful tranq gun on the market. Got her in Mexico.

Frank:
Cool.

Peppers:
Yeah, it is cool. They say it can puncture the skin of a rhino from...

[Frank shoots himself in the neck with the dart]

Peppers:
YES! That's awesome!

Frank:
What?

Peppers:
You just took one in the jugular, man.

Frank:
What? I did? [feeling his neck]

Peppers:
YES!

Frank:
Oh my god. Is this bad? Is this bad?

Peppers:
You better pull that sh*t out man. That sh*t is not cool.

Frank:
Wait. Wait? Pull what out?

Peppers:
You got a f***ing dart in your neck man.

Frank:
[laughing] You're... you're crazy man. I like you, but you're crazy.

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
Thanks, she's OK

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
[Funnels a beer.] Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
[Shot in neck with tranquilizer dart, voice morphs into slow motion.] You're crazy, man. I like you, but you're crazy.

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
I'm back! [Kicks a woman's shopping cart.] You know it!

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
Blue, do you understand I dont want you to die here tonight?

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
YOU'RE MA BOY BLUE!...You're Ma Boy!

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
SNOOP!! SNOOP-A-LOOP!!! [upon seeing rapper Snoop Dogg perform at the fraternity party]

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
No, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool...bring-bring your green hat, let's go! [at the same party, to one of Snoop's entourage wearing a green hat]

Frank 'The Tank' Ricard:
Were GOIN STREAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell:
[to Frank's father in law] It takes a man to give away an angel. Your sweetheart. [wink]

Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell:
[While performing the iron cross and smoking a cigarette] Still holding! STILL HOLDING!

Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell:
Columbus wasn’t exactly looking for America, but that seemed to work out for everyone.

Garry, The Oral Sex Instructor:
When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call crouching tiger, hidden penis. [takes a drink of the water] You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic.

Garry, The Oral Sex Instructor:
What are you doing? You're like Romulus sucking on the tit of the Motherwolf. If you know your Greek mythology.

Wedding Singer:
[singing] F***in' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I f***in' need you more than ever.

Mark:
[to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you retarded?

Gordon Pritchard:
Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety.

Booker:
We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us.

Dean Pritchard:
I'm sorry is that funny? Are you a standup comic, is that what you do now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving.