Robin Williams: Live at the Met

Robin Williams:
Then comes a very special time. Your first test as a father. A diper... you're ready. You may have been a lumberjack... you may have been a marine... you may have seen blood and guts. But you've never seen caca like this. it's incredible stuff; part toxic waste, part velcro.

Robin Williams:
You try and do special things for your kid. I thought "I'll take him to Disneyland. That'll be fun." Disneyland for a three year old... Mickey Mouse for a three year old... bullshit. Mickey Mouse to a three year old is a six foot f***ing rat!

Robin Williams:
You know in England if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. So if you commit a crime: "Stop! Or, or I'll say stop again!"

Robin Williams:
Thank you... HOWDY! Oops, wrong house. How you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

Robin Williams:
Here's a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem: Number 1, if you come home to your house and there is no furniture and your cats going "I'm out of here, prick!" WARNING! Number 2, If you have this dream, where your doing cocaine in your sleep, and you can't fall asleep and doing cocaine in your sleep and can't fall asleep AND YOU WAKE UP and doing cocaine! BINGO! Number 3, If on your tax forms, it says "50,000 dollars for snacks! MAY DAY!