Hook

Peter Banning:
You're a... you're a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother and I don't know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs and you're a very nice tiny person and what am I saying, I don't know who my mother was; I'm an orphan and I've never done drugs because I missed the sixties, I was an accountant.

Tinkerbell:
Guess again.

Tinkerbell:
Eat.

Peter Banning:
Eat what? There's nothing here. Gandhi ate more than this.

Tinkerbell:
If you can't imagine yourself being Peter Pan, you won't *be* Peter Pan, so eat up.

Wendy Darling:
So, Peter, you've become a pirate.

Peter Pan:
Firefly from hell.

Toodles:
Have to fly, have to fight, have to crow, have to save Maggie, have to save Jack, Hook is back.

Peter Pan:
Who?

Peter Pan:
I remember you being a lot bigger.

Captain Hook:
To a ten-year-old I'm Huge.

Thud Butt:
I remember Toodles. He was lost too.

Peter Pan:
How could you remember Toodles?

Thud Butt:
He was a lost boy. These are his marbles.

Peter Pan:
Ha ha ha. He really did lose his marbles, didn't he?

Peter Pan:
I am not a pirate. It so happens that I am a lawyer.

Peter Pan:
I'm not that kind of lawyer!

Peter Banning:
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FARIES!

Peter Banning:
What is this? Some sort of Lord of the Flies pre-school? Where are your parents? Who's in charge here?

Peter Banning:
No, Mr. Skunkhead with too much mousse, you are just a punk kid. I WANT TO SPEAK TO A GROWN-UP.

Rufio:
All grown-ups are pirates.

Peter Banning:
Excuse me?

Rufio:
And we kill pirates.

Captain Hook:
I hate, I hate, I HATE Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell:
I believe in you, Peter Pan.

Peter Pan:
Jack, Maggie, all you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

Maggie:
Mommy.

Jack:
My dad, Peter Pan.

Maggie:
Peter Pan is my DAD?

Tinkerbell:
You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be waiting.

Peter Banning:
I bet you don't even have a fourth grade reading level.

Rufio:
Hemorrhoidal suck naval.

Peter Banning:
Or maybe a fifth grade reading level.

Rufio:
Boil dripping beef fart sniffing bubble butt.

Peter Banning:
Someone has a severe ka-ka mouth, you know that?

Rufio:
You are fart factory. Cheesy, scab picked, pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.

Peter Banning:
Substitute chemistry teacher.

Rufio:
Mung tongue.

Peter Banning:
Math tutor.

Rufio:
Pinhead.

Peter Banning:
Prison Barber.

Rufio:
Mother lover.

Peter Banning:
Nearsighted gynecologist.

Rufio:
In your face, camel cake.

Peter Banning:
In your rear, cow derriere.

Rufio:
Lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig.

Peter Banning:
You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food, Dude.

Peter Pan:
Don't mess with me man, I'm a lawyer.

Smee:
I've just had an apostrophe.

Captain Hook:
I think you mean an epiphany.

Smee:
No... lightning has just struck my brain.

Captain Hook:
Well, that must hurt.

Captain Hook:
Death is the only adventure you have left.

Captain Hook:
What would the world be like without Captain Hook?

Captain Hook:
Peter Pan, prepare to meet thy doom.

Peter Pan:
Dark and sinister man, have at thee.

Peter Pan:
Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer.

Captain Hook:
I want my mommy.

Peter Banning:
That's Brad. I need to take that. I need to fix this.

Moira Banning:
No, you've got to fix your family first.

Peter Banning:
Oh, look, stars.

Tinkerbell:
That's right, Peter. Second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Peter Banning:
I do not believe in fairies.

Tinkerbell:
Every time someone says 'I do not believe in fairies', somewhere there's a fairy that falls down dead.

Peter Banning:
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!

Peter Banning:
Oh my God, I think I've killed it.

Captain Hook:
Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children's children's children, do you hear me?

Peter Pan:
What do you want, old man?

Captain Hook:
Just you.

Captain James Hook:
No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee.

Smee:
On, not again.

Captain James Hook:
This is it. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't try to stop me this time, Smee. Don't you dare try to stop me this time, Smee, try to stop me. Smee, you'd better get up off your ass. Get over here, Smee.

Smee:
I'm coming. I'm coming.

Captain James Hook:
Stop me. This is not a joke. I'm committing suicide.

Captain James Hook:
Don't ever frighten me like that again.

Smee:
I'm sorry.

Captain James Hook:
Are you some kind of a sadist?

Smee:
I'm sorry. How do you feel now?

Captain James Hook:
I want to die.

Smee:
Good Mooooooooooooorning Neverland. Here he is, a man so deep, he's almost unfathomable. A man so quick, he's almost fast asleep. I give you, the steel handed stingray, Captain James Hook.

Maggie:
DADDY. DADDY. Daddy?

Peter Banning:
Jack, my word is my bond.

Jack:
Yeah, junk bond.

Peter Banning:
What in the hell's the matter with you? When will you stop acting like a child?

Jack:
I am a child.

Peter Banning:
Grow up.

Smee:
If there's anybody not fighting, get here quick.

Rufio:
Lookie Lookie, I've got Hookie.

Peter Pan:
To die would be a great adventure.

Garbage Sweeper in Kensington Gardens:
Hello. Having trouble with the Mrs.? Well you will have by the time the two of you get home.

Peter Banning:
Remember kids we're in England, the land of good manners.

Toodles:
IT'S SNOWING.

Wendy Darling:
What's this?

Jack:
It's a baseball mitt. You can catch things with it. Take things out of the oven with it. Hit your sister with it.

Rufio:
You... You man! you stupid stupid man!

Captain James Hook:
Smee, translate.

Hook:
I like it, I like it, I like it!

We have to make him bangarang!

Peter Banning:
What's the deal? Where's the real food?

Tinkerbell:
If you can't imagine yourself being Peter Pan, you won't be Peter Pan, now eat up.

Peter Banning:
Eat what? There's nothing here. Gandhi ate more than this.

[the Bannings have arrived at Wendy's house. They knock on the door, and are answered by a senile old man, Tootles]

Peter Banning:
Uncle Tootles...

Tootles:
[completely ignoring the Bannings] It's snowing!

[he slams the door in their faces, Jack laughs hysterically and chokes on his gum]

Captain Hook:
You bet against me bringing Pan back here, didn't ya?

Pirate:
No.

Captain Hook:
Aw, tell your captain the truth. [pirate starts to cry] Aww, say it. Say it.

Pirate:
I did.

Captain Hook:
Yes, you made a boo-boo.

Pirate:
[nods] I did. I did!

Captain Hook:
The Boo Box.

Pirate:
Not that! Not the Boo Box! NOO!! [he is then locked into a chest filled with scorpions.]

Thud Butt:
I remember Tootles.

Peter Pan:
How could you remember Tootles?

Thud Butt:
He was a lost boy. These are his marbles. [hands Peter a bag] These are his happy thoughts.

Peter Pan:
[laughs] He really did lose his marbles, didn't he?

Thud Butt:
[laughs with Peter] Yeah, he lost them good.

Peter:
I want to speak to a grown-up!

Rufio:
All grown-ups are pirates.

Peter:
Excuse me?

Rufio:
We kill pirates.

Peter Pan:
I'm not a pirate. It so happens, I'm a lawyer.

Rufio:
Kill the lawyer!

Lost Boys:
Kill the lawyer!

Peter Pan:
I'm not that kind of lawyer!

Peter:
No-no! Please stop! Why are you doing this to me?! [falls in the flower garden]

Tinker Bell:
Rufio, you're the best with a sword. Please teach him. We gotta make him remember.

Peter:
[A daffodil sniffs at Peter's face. Other sunflowers are now sniffing at Peter. More daffodils sniff at his crotch.] Excuse me! [Hits the daffodil, it sneezes.]

Peter and Lost Boys:
Help me!

Peter and Lost Boys:
Not you! [Peter Pan with arrow shot by rear end]

Peter:
[he and Rufio are having an insult fight] Substitute chemistry teacher!

Lost Boy:
C'mon Rufio, hit him back!

Rufio:
Mung tongue!

Peter:
Math tutor.

Rufio:
Pinhead!

Peter:
Prison Barber.

Rufio:
Mother lover!

Peter:
Nearsighted gynecologist.

Rufio:
In your face, camel cake!

Peter:
In your rear, cow derriere!

Rufio:
Lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig!

Peter:
You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food, dude!

Thud:
Bangerang, Peter!!! [the rest of the Lost Boys cheer for Peter]

Rufio:
[losing confidence] You-- You man! Stupid, stupid man!

Peter:
Hey, Rufio, if I'm a maggot burger, why don't you just EAT ME!? You two-toned, zebra headed, slime-coated, pimple-farming, paramecium brain, munching-on-your-own-mucus, suffering from PETER PAN? ENVY!!!

Lost Boy:
What's a paramecium brain?

Peter:
I'll tell you what a paramecium is! [points at Rufio] THAT'S a paramecium! It's a one-celled critter WITH NO BRAIN THAT CAN'T FLY! [to Rufio] Don't mess with me, man! I'M A LAWYER!!!

Peter Banning:
[climbing up a rope ladder] Someone give me a hand.

Captain Hook:
I already have.

Pirate Crew:
Oooh.

Peter Pan:
[to the lost boys] Let's get ready to show them the white light we're made of, boys.

Captain Hook:
[to the pirates] Remember the fires of hell that forged you, charge!

Rufio:
[dying after being stabbed by Hook] Do you know what I wish?

Peter:
What?

Rufio:
I wish I had a dad... like you.

Captain James Hook:
Hear me, men. For reasons of good form, I have decided that this so-called Pan will return in three days to commence the arbitrament of the sword. Smee, translate.

Smee:
In three days, we're gonna have a war! A battle between good and evil to the death!

Tootles:
I've forgotten how to fly.

Inspector Good:
Yes, well... one does.

Peter Banning:
Uh... [whispers in Hook's ear]

Captain Hook:
I beg your pardon?

Peter:
[whispers again]

Captain Hook:
You must be joking. [to other pirates; laughs] Peter Pan has a real problem with heights.

[last lines]

Wendy Moira Angela Darling/ Granny Wendy:
So... your adventures are over.

Peter:
Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.

Hook:
I want to die.

Smee:
Oh, captain...

Hook:
There's no adventure here.

Smee:
(Motioning to Hook's flintlock pistol) You call THIS no adventure?

Hook:
Death is the only great adventure I have left.

Captain Hook:
Prepare to die Peter.

Peter Pan:
To die will be a great adventure.

Captain Hook:
Death is the only adventure you have left.

Wendy Darling:
Boy? Why are you crying?

Peter Pan:
[Getting up, from his position on the floor] What's your name?

Wendy Darling:
Wendy Moira Angela Darling... what's yours? [A young Wendy, is sat up, in her bed, a thin, white, flower patterned, bed quilt, is held in front of her by her left arm, her head is titled to it's left, and she is smiling]

Peter Banning:
[The window, to Wendy's bedroom, opens, with a gust of wind, as the voiceover continues] I came back many times for Wendy. Always in the spring. [a clip of Wendy, in her 20s; she calls "Peter!" as she turns to him and happily, smiles, closing her book. Wendy has a white ribbon tied in the back of her hair, it cascades down her back] And Wendy kept getting older [followed by another clip of Wendy in her 40s smiling at him, as she looks up and closes her book. Wendy is wearing a pair of small, white earrings, and a white shirt], and older [a clip of Wendy in her 70s, hair red. Young Peter places a hand on her shoulder] and then I came back... one last time.

Wendy:
Peter, I can't come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. [Wendy looks up and closes the book she is reading; Peter starts in horror] I'm old Peter. Ever so much more than twenty. [Wendy removes her glasses] I grew up a long time ago [Peter, moving to the window, protests with a cry of "No, no, no! You promised!"] I have children of my own now, and they have children of their own. That's my grandchild, Moira, asleep in the bed. [On the word "Moira" she smiles, and she and Peter look over at the sleeping girl.]

Peter Banning:
When I saw here lying there sleeping, that moment, something changed in me forever.

Peter Pan:
I shall give her a kiss.

Wendy:
No! No, Peter! No buttons! No thimbles! [Gets out of the chair, and takes Peter by the arm] I couldn't bear Moira's heart to be broken, when she finds she can't keep you.

Peter Pan:
[He sits on the side of Moira's bed, and looks down towards her] No. I mean... a real kiss [He leans in, and kisses Moira on the lips. Wendy anxiously looks on; Tink flies down to the window and looks in. Seeing Peter kisssing Moira, her light dims, her wings flatten behind her and she looks sad, as the thimble, which had been on Peter's finger, falls to the floor, spinning on the spot... forgotten. Peter Pan has grown up.]

Granny Wendy/ Wendy Moira Angela Darling [Wendy opens a book, pointing to a picture of her; it's a familiar picture, one we all recognise; it's her, aged twelve, looking out of her nursery window, watching Hook's ship, with Peter on board, float by] I'm Wendy... or I was, a long time ago.

Maggie:
But Jack says you're not the really "real" Wendy

Granny Wendy/ Wendy Moira Angela Darling:
Ahh. Well, do you see where Jack is? That is the same window and this is the same room where we made up bedtime stories about Peter, Neverland, and scary old Captain Hook. But did you know that Mr. Barrie... well, Sir James, our neighbor, he loved our stories so much that he wrote them all down in a book... oh dear me... eighty years ago.

Maggie:
You're really old.

Wendy:
That's very true.

Peter:
(phone rings) I have to take this. (answers phone in front of surprised Moria) Brad? Ever wondered what it feels like in the air when you fly? Feel THIS! (throws phone out window)

Moira:
(happy) Where have you been? (hugs Peter)

Wendy:
So, your adventures are over.

Peter:
Oh, no. To live... to live will be an awfully big adventure.

Captain Hook:
Now pay attention, class. We have a lot to go over. Lesson One: Why parents hate their children. Anyone?

Maggie:
[whispering to Jack] Doesn't Mommy read to us every night?

Captain Hook:
You! The cute little urchin in the front row. Won't you share your thoughts with the whole class?

Maggie:
Yes! I said Mommy reads to us every night, because she loves us very much!

Captain Hook:
Loves you? [to Smee] Isn't that the, uh, the, um...?

Smee:
The 'L' word, Captain.

Captain Hook:
[grimly chuckles] Ooh, yes! No, child! I think your mother reads to you every night in order to stupefy you to sleep, so that she and Daddy can sit down for three measly minutes without you and you mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive and nagging demands! "He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want! Me, me, me, me! Mine, mine, mine, mine! Now, now, now!" [inhales deeply] Can't you understand, child? They tell you stories to shut you up.

Smee:
And conk you out.

Maggie:
That's not true, Jack! [to Hook] You're a liar!

Captain Hook:
Lie? Me? [laughs] Never. [inhales deeply again] The truth is far too much fun.

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
[to his son Jack, on the airplane ride] What the hell's the matter with you? When are you gonna stop acting like a child?

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
[to a pirate who admires his boots] I think you can get them at Armani.

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
Hook, you let those kids out of that net in less than one minute or you better get an attorney and hope to God he's better than me.

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
[after Rufio draws his sword] Okay, Mister. All right. Show's over. You put that thing away! Now put it down before you poke somebody's eye out!

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
Oh Rufio?, Why don't you go suck on a dead dog's nose!

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
It's Hook or me this time.

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
[unearthing his cell phone] Wow. [opens it and holds it to his ear] Brad! Hi! ...you been holding this long? ...Uh huh. ...Neverland. Lost Boys. Jim Hook, duel to the death, I'll tell you about it later. Listen, I'd love to chat... but I gotta climb a drain pipe right now. "Why?" Because I ran out of fairy dust, if not I would've flown up. [hangs up] Pssh, "Why?"

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
[seeing Tinkerbell defeating the pirates] Are you related to Mighty Mouse?

Peter Banning/Peter Pan:
[voiceover] Thank you for believing.

Captain James Hook:
And you'd better deliver, Miss Bell, or no amount of clapping will bring you back from where I will send you.

Captain James Hook:
Revenge is Mine.

Captain James Hook:
He'll crow. He'll fight. He'll fly. And then... he'll die.

Captain James Hook:
Oh, I hate being disappointed, Smee. And I hate living in this flawed body. And I hate living in Neverland. And I hate, I hate, I hate Peter Pan!

Captain James Hook:
[the pirates are playing baseball, and the catcher shoots the runner stealing second] No-no-no! Now stop it! We're playing this game by Master Jack's rules. Bad form! Sit down, now. Let's resume the game. [to the lady next to him] Very violent sport, isn't it, baseball?

Captain James Hook:
Are you ready for me, Peter? Come on. Humor the Hook!

Captain James Hook:
You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning - a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, is obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children.

Captain James Hook:
[In a suicidal funk, he appears having fetched his pistol] No stopping me this time, Smee. This is it. Don't make a move Smee, not a step. My finger's on the trigger. Don't try to stop me, Smee!

Captain James Hook:
Fools, James Hook is Neverland! [corners Peter and prepares to impale him with his hook] Whenever children read, it will say "Thus perished Peter Pan."

Granny Wendy/Wendy Darling:
The stories are true! I swear to you! I swear to you on everything I hold dear! And now he's come back to seek his revenge. The fight isn't over for Captain James Hook. He wants you back. He knows that you'll follow Jack and Maggie to the ends of the earth and beyond. And by heavens, you must find a way. Only you can save your children. Somehow, you must go back. You must make yourself remember.

Granny Wendy/Wendy Darling:
[Peter remembers the last time he came for Wendy] Peter, I can't come with you. I've forgotten how to fly. I'm old, Peter. Ever so much more than twenty. I grew up a long time ago.

Mr. Smee:
Smee, Smee. What About Smee? Smee! Smee! Smee. Smee. What about Smee? Smee's me. What about me?

Mr. Smee:
Good morning, Neverland! Tie down the main mast, mateys, because here he is! The cunning kingfish! The bad barracuda! A man so deep, he's almost unfathomable. [Silence, as they fail to understand] A man so quick, he's even fast asleep! [Laughter] Thank you!! Now let's give him a big hand - 'cause he's only got one. I give you, the steel-handed stingray, Captain James Hook!

Mr. Smee:
It's time for Smee.

Mr. Smee:
[To Hook, who doesn't believe Peter's the real Peter Pan] He's Peter Pan alright, Captain... He's just been away from Neverland so long, his mind's been "Junk-tified." He's forgotten everything.

Mr. Smee:
[To Peter, who's climbing to rescue his children] Fly! I know it's you!