Relic

Margo Green:
Using superstition to bring people to the museum is like hiring topless ushers for the Bolshoi Ballet.

Dr. Whitney Frock:
Well, I wish they would, I might start going to the Ballet.

Dr. Albert Frock:
The Kai tribe believed that headaches were caused by sorcery. So, the headache victim's family would go out and kill the suspected sorcerer. At which, of course, the family of the sorcerer would go out and kill the headache victim.

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
So what happened?

Dr. Albert Frock:
Well, a medical miracle: everyone stopped having headaches.

Margo Green:
What's that?

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
Good-luck bullet.

Margo Green:
I forgot, you're superstitious. So, does your bullet have a story?

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
I was on the beat my rookie year. One night I see this guy who's locked his keys in his car with his motor running. He's bent over the car, trying to unlock the door with a coat hanger. So I go over, try to help him out, and what I didn't know was that he'd just robbed the liquor store ten blocks down. And he doesn't notice me until I'm right on top of him. He turns around...

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
Point-blank range. Doesn't pop, though. Doesn't go off. This bullet.

Margo Green:
So what did you do?

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
Took the gun away from him and beat the sh*t out of him. Later, the forensics people tell me, uh, bullet's perfect. Should have fired. I should be dead.

Margo Green:
So, a miracle of physics?

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
Maybe just plain, old-fashioned good luck.

Dr. Zwiezic:
Something's wrong... This brain is light - even for a man.

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
How the f*** does a woman get custody of a dog?

Police Officer:
His wife got custody of his son?

Det. Hollingsworth:
No. His dog.

Martini:
Never thought there'd be a worse way to die than a shark attack. Having my head ripped off never occurred to me.

Bradley:
There's a half-burnt joint on the floor. Seems our boy was having a little pot in the potty.

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
Pot's a misdemeanor. Decapitation seems a bit severe.

Dr. Albert Frock:
Well, how goes the gradual extinction of the human race, Lieutenant?

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
I'm doing what I can to keep it orderly.

Lt. Vincent D'Agosta:
Somebody wanna tell me what in God's name that is?