Spaceballs

Barf:
Oooh, that's gonna leave a mark.

Yogurt:
Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower.

Yogurt:
(reacts to dinks) The kids love this one. (A dink hands him a doll that looks likes Yogurt) And last but not least, Spaceballs the doll, me.

Dark Helmet:
I bet she gives great helmet.

Dark Helmet:
My brains... are going into my feet!

Dark Helmet:
WHAT? You went over my helmet?

Roland:
One.

Dark Helmet:
One.

Colonel Sandurz:
One.

Roland:
Two.

Dark Helmet:
Two.

Colonel Sandurz:
Two.

Roland:
Three.

Dark Helmet:
Three.

Colonel Sandurz:
Three.

Roland:
Four.

Dark Helmet:
Four.

Colonel Sandurz:
Four.

Roland:
Five.

Dark Helmet:
Five.

Colonel Sandurz:
Five.

Dark Helmet:
So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Barf:
It's not that we're afraid of death, far from it, it's just that we've got this thing about death... It's not us!

Lone Starr:
Water... water...

Barf:
Water... water...

Dot Matrix:
Oil... oil...

Princess Vespa:
Room service... room service...

Lone Starr:
A million? That's unfair.

Pizza the Hutt:
Unfair to payor but not to payee. But you're gonna pay it, or else!

Barf:
Or else what?

Pizza the Hutt:
Tell him, vinnie.

Vinnie:
Or else pizza is gonna send out for *you*!

Princess Vespa:
I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

Lone Starr:
Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.

Barf:
Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Colonel Sandurz:
Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet:
WHAT?

Colonel Sandurz:
You're needed on the bridge sir!

Dark Helmet:
Knock on my door! Knock next time!

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet:
Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz:
No, sir! I didn't see you playing with you dolls again.

Dark Helmet:
Good!

Barf:
I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

Lone Starr:
The Vulcan neck pinch?

Lone Starr:
Like this?

Lone Starr:
Thanks

Dark Helmet:
Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Barf:
I know we need the money, but...

Lone Starr:
Listen! We're not just doing this for money... We're doing it for a SH*T LOAD of money!

Barf:
Oh, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. And you - you're always right.

Lone Starr:
So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.

Dark Helmet:
Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!

Dark Helmet:
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

Colonel Sandurz:
That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!

Video Operator:
Preparing to fast-forward!

Colonel Sandurz:
Fast-forward!

Video Operator:
Fast-forwarding, sir!

Dark Helmet:
Out of order? F***! Even in the future, nothing works!

Lone Starr:
What the hell was that noise?

Dot Matrix:
That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Dark Helmet:
say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.

President Skroob:
Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

President Skroob:
Sandurz, Sandurz. You got to help me. I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm a president!

Woman in Diner:
Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.

Dark Helmet:
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Dark Helmet:
Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.

Lone Starr:
What?

Dark Helmet:
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Lone Starr:
What's that make us?

Dark Helmet:
Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Princess Vespa:
I ain't shooting this thing, I hate guns.

Princess Vespa:
My hair, he shot my hair. Son of a b*tch!

Minister:
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!

Colonel Sandurz:
Oh my god, it's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow.

Pizza the Hutt:
Well, if it isn't Lone Star. And his sidekick, Puke.

Yogurt:
And may the schwartz be with you!

Dark Helmet:
No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!

Dot Matrix:
Can we talk? OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill. But you could have married him for your father's sake and had a headache for the next 25 years.

Colonel Sandurz:
Sir, do you think we're being too literal?

Dark Helmet:
No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Barf:
It's like the Temple of Doom or something.

Dot Matrix:
Well, it sure ain't Temple Beth Israel.

Dark Helmet:
Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

President Skroob:
Six? What happened to seven?

Colonel Sandurz:
Prepare ship for light speed.

Dark Helmet:
No, no, no, light speed is too slow.

Colonel Sandurz:
Light speed, too slow?

Dark Helmet:
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

Princess Vespa:
Who are you?

Barf:
Barf!

Dot Matrix:
Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!

Colonel Sandurz:
They must have hyperjets on that thing.

Dark Helmet:
And what do we have on this thing? A cuisinart?

Lonestar:
It's Spaceball 1.

Barf:
They've gone to plaid!

Lone Starr:
It's Spaceball One!

Barf:
They've gone to plaid!

Woman in Diner:
Bring him some water!

Dark Helmet:
What did you do? You turned it off!

Colonel Sandurz:
Turned off what? I just turned off the screen.

Colonel Sandurz:
No, you didnt! You turned off the movie!

Dark Helmet:
What's happening? Where is this in the movie?

Colonel Sandurz:
Now, sir. What's happening, now is happening now.

Dark Helmet:
What happened to then?

Colonel Sandurz:
We passed it.

Dark Helmet:
When?

Colonel Sandurz:
Just now.

Dark Helmet:
Now?

Colonel Sandurz:
Now!

Dark Helmet:
Why?

Colonel Sandurz:
We missed it.

Dark Helmet:
When?

Colonel Sandurz:
Just now.

Dark Helmet:
When will then be now?

Colonel Sandurz:
Soon.

Dark Helmet:
How soon?

Colonel Sandurz:
What?

Dark Helmet:
Where?

Colonel Sandurz:
Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.

Dark Helmet:
When?

Colonel Sandurz:
By tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.

Dark Helmet:
WHO?

Colonel Sandurz:
Why are you preparing? You're always preparing! Just go!

Colonel Sandurz:
Just go!

Yogurt:
I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the...

Barf:
...the Force?

Yogurt:
No, the Schwartz!

Lone Starr:
We gotta get moving before dawn.

Barf:
Why so early?

Lone Starr:
Because we're in the middle of a desert and we're not going to get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

Barf:
Nice dissolve.

President Skroob:
As president of Planet Spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself. Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges. Bye-bye.

President Skroob:
Shithead.

Lone Starr:
Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

John Hurt:
Oh, no. Not again.

Dot Matrix:
I was saying; Do you realize what you've done?

Princess Vespa:
Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.

Dot Matrix:
I wonder if she's glad.

Commanderette Zircon:
Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?

President Skroob:
I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?

Commanderette Zircon:
Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

Princess Vespa:
Hey! I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!

Minister:
What's your name?

Barf:
Barf.

Minister:
Your full name?

Barf:
Barf-olemew!

Princess Vespa:
Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just took his million spacebuck and ran.

King Roland:
He didn't take the million...

Princess Vespa:
I can see it all now.

Princess Vespa:
Can't you see he loves me?

Minister:
Excuse me! I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love, so please be quiet!

King Roland:
I'm sorry

Princess Vespa:
I'm sorry

Minister:
Don't be sorry, be quiet!

Minister:
Do you?

Lone Starr:
Yes

Minister:
Do you?

Princess Vespa:
Yes

Minister:
GOOD, you're married. KISS HER!

Princess Vespa:
Now listen you...

Lone Starr:
You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as 'idiot', not 'you captain'. I mean, you know what I mean.

Princess Vespa:
And you will not call me 'you'. You will never address me as 'you'. You will call me 'your royal highness'.

Lone Starr:
You are royal pain in the...

Barf:
Whoa, hold it, time.

Colonel Sandurz:
Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!

Dark Helmet:
I see your schwartz is as big as mine.

Dark Helmet:
Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

Laser Gunner:
Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!

Dark Helmet:
Who made that man a gunner?

Dark Helmet:
Who is he?

Colonel Sandurz:
He's an a**hole sir.

Dark Helmet:
I know that! What's his name?

Colonel Sandurz:
That is his name sir. A**hole, Major A**hole!

Dark Helmet:
And his cousin?

Colonel Sandurz:
He's an a**hole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip A**hole!

Dark Helmet:
How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?

Dark Helmet:
I knew it. I'm surrounded by a**holes!

Dark Helmet:
Keep firing, a**holes!

Colonel Sandurz:
What shall we do now, Sir?

Dark Helmet:
Well, are we stopped?

Colonel Sandurz:
We're stopped, Sir.

Dark Helmet:
Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break?

Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, Sir.

Dark Helmet:
Smoke if you got'em.

Lone Starr:
Barf! Barf! BARF!

Barf:
Always when I'm eating!

Dark Helmet:
What's the matter with this thing? What's with all that churning and bubbling? You call that a Radar Screen?

Colonel Sandurz:
No sir, we call it Mr. Coffee. Care for some?

Dark Helmet:
I always have coffee when I watch radar, you know that!

Colonel Sandurz:
Of course I do, sir.

Dark Helmet:
Everybody knows that!

Dark Helmet:
Now that I have my coffee I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?

Colonel Sandurz:
Right here, sir.

Captain of the Guard:
You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!

President Skroob:
The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.

Dark Helmet:
Prepare for Metamorphosis, are you ready Kafka?

Dot Matrix:
Good-bye Virgin alarm.

Dark Helmet:
If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.

Dark Helmet:
The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a fool, what's with you man, c'mon? Here let me give it back to you. Oh!

Dark Helmet:
Oh, look at that, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!

Dark Helmet:
We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Dark Helmet:
Found anything yet?

Dark Helmet:
How bout you?

Dark Helmet:
What about you guys?

Barf:
(reacting to the guards being shot by Princess Vespa) HOLY SH*T!

Princess Vespa:
How was that?

Lone Starr:
Not bad.

Barf:
Not bad... for a girl.

Dot Matrix:
Hey that was pretty good for RAMBO!

Lonestar:
Just one more dune.

Barf:
That's what you said three dunes ago.

Lone Starr:
Who hasn't heard of Yogurt!

Princess Vespa:
Yogurt the Wise!

Dot Matrix:
Yogurt the All-Powerful!

Barf:
Yogurt the Magnificent!

Yogurt:
Please, please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain Yogurt.

Princess Vespa:
What's your name?

Barf:
Barf.

Dot Matrix:
Hey, not in here buddy, this is a Mercedes.

Colonel Sandurz:
Sir haden't you better buckle up?

Dark Helmet:
AH! BUCKLE THIS! Ludicris speed GO!

Dark Helmet:
Why are we always "preparing"? Just go.

Colonel Sandurz:
Just go.

Lone Starr:
But Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?

Yogurt:
Merchandising.

Barf:
Merchandising? What's that?

Yogurt:
Merchandising! Come, I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.

[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]

Yogurt:
Heh-heh. Come! We put the picture's name on everything!

[everyone is staring in amazement]

Yogurt:
Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book, [holds up a Transformers comic book] Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal! Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower! [fires a blast from flame thrower]

Dinks:
Ooohh!

Yogurt:
The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll; Me.

[Yogurt pulls the doll's string]

Yogurt Doll:
May the Schwartz be with you!

Yogurt:
[kisses the doll] Adorable.

Colonel Sandurz:
Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.

Dark Helmet:
[to audience] Everybody got that? Good!

Colonel Sandurz:
We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.

Dark Helmet:
Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.

Rico:
I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

Dark Helmet:
[slams down the phone and turns to Rico; stunned and angry] What? You went over my helmet?!

Rico:
Well, not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-m-more to the side. I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again. Never, ever! [Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring] Oh, sh*t! No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no! Please! Please! Please! No! No! N-not that! [clutches his throat thinking that Dark Helmet is going to choke him using the Schwartz]

Dark Helmet:
Yes. "That". [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's groin, instead of his neck, causing him extreme pain]

[Lone Starr parks the Winnebago in an illegal parking space]

Guard 1:
Hey, what the Hell is that thing?!

Guard 2:
Looks like a Winnebago with wings!

Guard 1:
Jeez! Hey! You can't park here!

Guard 2:
Yeah! Can't you guys read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf exits the Winnebago, and flips off the Guards while making kissing noises]

Guard 1:
That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!

Guard 2:
Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]

Guard 1:
Hey! [camera shows he and Guard 2 are dressed only in boxers and undershirts, and sporting black eyes.] Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!

Guard 2:
And beat the sh*t out of us, too!

Lone Starr:
I wonder, will we ever see each other again?

Yogurt:
Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Lone Starr:
Oh, great. That's just what we needed: a Druish princess.

Barf:
[to audience, breaking the fourth wall] Funny. She doesn't look Druish.

Computer:
This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.

Skroob:
"Cancellation button"?! Hurry!

Dark Helmet:
Where is it?! Where is it?!

Colonel Sandurz:
It's gotta be here!

[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it]

Dark Helmet:
[angrily] "Out of order"?! F***! Even in the FUTURE, nothing works!

Computer:
This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [everyone recoils in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6--

Skroob:
6?! What happened to 7?!

Computer:
Just kidding!

[They all growl in annoyance]

Princess Vespa:
[to Lone Starr] There's the other end! Faster!

[Lone Starr makes the Winnebago go faster]

Computer:
[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror] 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [They all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day.

Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob:
[they open their eyes] Thank you. [they close their eyes again]

Dark Helmet:
No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.

Sandurz:
But, sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?

Dark Helmet:
Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet:
Fire a warning shot across her nose.

[Warning shots almost hit Vespa's Benz]

Dark Helmet:
Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

Gunner:
[lifts helmet, revealing that he's cross-eyed] Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best!

Dark Helmet:
Who made that man a gunner?

Major A**hole:
I did, sir. He's my cousin. [Major A**hole is also cross-eyed]

Dark Helmet:
[to Sandurz] Who is he?

Colonel Sandurz:
He's an A**hole, sir.

Dark Helmet:
I know that. What's his name?

Colonel Sandurz:
That is his name, sir. A**hole. Major A**hole.

Dark Helmet:
And his cousin?

Colonel Sandurz:
He's an A**hole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip A**hole.

Dark Helmet:
How many A**holes have we got on this ship, anyhow?

[the entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand, except for one person]

Bridge Crew:
YO!

Dark Helmet:
I knew it. I'm surrounded by A**holes. [Closes helmet] Keep firing, A**holes!

[Spaceball I is approaching the Winnebago]

Colonel Sandurz:
We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.

Dark Helmet:
Good! Prepare to attack!

Colonel Sandurz:
Prepare to attack!

Dark Helmet:
On the count of 3. 1...2... [the Winnebago goes into hyperspace] Wait! What happened? Where are they?!

Colonel Sandurz:
I don't know, sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing!

Dark Helmet:
And what have we got on this thing? A Cuisinart?!

Colonel Sandurz:
No, sir!

Dark Helmet:
Well, find them, catch them!

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir! [turns on microphone] Prepare ship for light speed!

Dark Helmet:
No-no-no, light speed is too slow!

Colonel Sandurz:
Light speed too slow?

Dark Helmet:
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to... Ludicrous speed!

[The entire crew gasps in horror]

Colonel Sandurz:
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if the ship can take it!

Dark Helmet:
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

Colonel Sandurz:
[voice breaks harshly] Prepare the ship-- [collects himself] Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo---!

Dark Helmet:
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! [Takes the microphone] Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!

Colonel Sandurz:
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?

Dark Helmet:
Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed! GO!

[Dark Helmet is screaming as he grips the handrail while being lifted into the air by momentum. Meanwhile, various warp trails are displayed on the monitor, and there are signs lighting up indicating "LIGHT SPEED", "RIDICULOUS SPEED", and a flashing "LUDICROUS SPEED" sign]

Dark Helmet:
What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!

[Spaceball I passes Lone Starr's Winnebago, leaving a trail of plaid light behind them]

Barf:
[he and Lone Starr quickly duck] WOW! What the Hell was that?

Lone Starr:
Spaceball I.

Barf:
They've gone to plaid!

Dark Helmet:
We passed 'em! Stop this thing!

Colonel Sandurz:
We can't stop, it's too dangerous; we've got to slow down first!

Dark Helmet:
Bullshit! Just stop this thing! I order you! STO-O-O-O-P!

[Sandurz struggles and reaches a lever labeled "Emergency Stop:
Never Use." When he pulls it, he immediately stops Spaceball I. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet severely.]

Colonel Sandurz:
Are you all right, sir?

Dark Helmet:
[slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?

Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.

Dark Helmet:
Yeah.

Colonel Sandurz:
What should we do now, sir?

Dark Helmet:
Well, are we stopped?

Colonel Sandurz:
We're stopped, sir.

Dark Helmet:
Good. Why don't we take a 5-minute break?

Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, sir.

Dark Helmet:
Smoke, if you got 'em. [Falls over]

Dark Helmet:
Have you found them yet?

Corporal:
No, Lord Helmet, they're still not on the scanner.

Dark Helmet:
Well, keep looking for them. [taking a couple sips of coffee through his helmet]

Colonel Sandurz:
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. [to Corporal] Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.

Corporal:
Yes, sir. [searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films and reading each title] The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein...

Dark Helmet:
Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet:
[lifts helmet and whispers to Colonel Sandurz and himself quietly] How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie? We're still in the middle of making it!

Colonel Sandurz:
Well, that's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.

Dark Helmet:
There has?

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!

Dark Helmet:
[doubtfully] Nah!

Corporal:
Here it is, sir! [takes out cassette and holds it] Spaceballs!

Colonel Sandurz:
Good work, Corporal, punch it up! [Corporal puts in tape and it shows an F.B.I. Anti-Piracy warning] That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!

Corporal:
Preparing to fast-forward.

Colonel Sandurz:
Fast-forward!

Corporal:
Fast-forwarding, sir!

[Corporal fast-forwards to the part where Dark Helmet has ignored Sandurz' warning to sit down and buckle up that leads to him denting his helmet severely]

Dark Helmet:
[about the part where he dented his helmet severely] No-no-no, go past this, past this part. In fact, never play this again. [sips coffee in embarrassment]

Colonel Sandurz:
Try here. Stop.

[Corporal stops the tape, then Dark Helmet and Sandurz come across an image of themselves viewing the screen. As they react, the screen mimics what they are doing]

Dark Helmet:
What the Hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!

Colonel Sandurz:
"Now." You're looking at "now," sir. Everything that happens now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now." [Indicates the screen]

Dark Helmet:
What happened to "then"?

Colonel Sandurz:
We passed "then."

Dark Helmet:
When?

Colonel Sandurz:
Just now. We're at "now," now.

Dark Helmet:
Go back to "then"!

Colonel Sandurz:
When?

Dark Helmet:
Now!

Colonel Sandurz:
Now?

Dark Helmet:
Now!

Colonel Sandurz:
I can't.

Dark Helmet:
Why?!

Colonel Sandurz:
We missed it.

Dark Helmet:
When?!

Colonel Sandurz:
Just now.

Dark Helmet:
... When will "then" be "now"?

Colonel Sandurz:
Soon.

Dark Helmet:
[backpedals in shock] How soon?

[Corporal rewinds the tape back to a scene showing protagonists wandering in desert]

Corporal:
Sir!

Dark Helmet:
What?!

Corporal:
We have identified their location.

Dark Helmet:
Where?!

Corporal:
It's the moon of Vega!

Colonel Sandurz:
Good work, set a course and prepare for our arrival!

Dark Helmet:
[increasingly panicked] When?!

Corporal:
1900 hours, [7:00 P.M.] sir!

Colonel Sandurz:
By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!

Dark Helmet:
WHO?!! [mask falls down]

Skroob:
Ah, Planet Druidia, and 10,000 years of fresh air.

Dark Helmet:
[whispers to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last 100.

Skroob:
What was that?!

Dark Helmet:
Nothing!

[As Lone Starr is about to hit the self-destruct button, Dark Helmet appears]

Dark Helmet:
Not so fast, Lone Starr!

Lone Starr:
Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. [Thinks about what he has just said, then approves it.] [whispers] Yeah.

Dark Helmet:
Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

Lone Starr:
What?

Dark Helmet:
I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.[1]

Lone Starr:
[confused] What's that make us?

Dark Helmet:
Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die. [Dark Helmet lights up his Schwartzsaber which is green, and Lone Starr lights up his Schwartzsaber which is orange] You have the ring. And I see your schwartz is as big as mine. [Dark Helmet and Lone Starr look at their respective Schwartzsabers in a humorous way] Now, let's see how well you handle It.

Dark Helmet:
[after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber] Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr]

Lone Starr:
What?!

[Princess Vespa has just mowed down a full squad of soldiers single-handedly with a laser rifle Rambo-style]

Barf:
Holy sh*t!

Vespa:
[blows smoke from gun barrel] How was that?

Lone Starr:
Not bad!

Barf:
Not bad, for a girl.

Dot Matrix:
Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!

Vespa:
Let's blow this joint!

Priest:
Who are you?

Barf:
I'm the best man.

Priest:
What's your name?

Barf:
Barf.

Priest:
Your full name!

Barf:
Barfolomew!

Priest:
Are you the one that's getting married?

Barf:
No.

Priest:
THEN GET OVER THERE!

Priest:
Okay, here we go. The short, short version! Do you?

Vespa:
Yes.

Priest:
Do you?

Lone Starr:
Yes.

Priest:
Good! You're married! Kiss her!

Lone Starr:
I love you.

Vespa:
I love you.

[they kiss]

Dot Matrix:
Well, [sniffles] good-bye, Virgin Alarm.

[Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert]

Lone Starr:
Water. Water!

Barf:
[with tongue out] Water. Water!

Dot Matrix:
Oil. Oil!

Vespa:
Room service. Room service!

[When Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss, Dot Matrix's Virgin Alarm goes off]

Barf:
Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP! Women and Mawgs first! AGHH!

Dot Matrix:
We'll have none of that, mister! [to Vespa] How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch?

Vespa:
Nothing happened!

Lone Starr:
[annoyed] What the Hell was that noise?

Dot Matrix:
That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

King Roland:
1

Dark Helmet:
1

Colonel Sandurz:
1

King Roland:
2

Dark Helmet:
2

Colonel Sandurz:
2

King Roland:
3

Dark Helmet:
3

Colonel Sandurz:
3

King Roland:
4

Dark Helmet:
4

Colonel Sandurz:
4

King Roland:
5

Dark Helmet:
5

Colonel Sandurz:
5

Dark Helmet:
So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

[Cut to President Skroob walking in]

Skroob:
What's the combination?

Colonel Sandurz:
1-2-3-4-5.

Skroob:
1-2-3-4-5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look] Prepare Spaceball I for immediate departure!

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir.

Skroob:
And change the combination on my luggage!

Dark Helmet:
[imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet Doll] No, you are mine!

Dark Helmet:
[Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet Doll] Lone Starr!

Dark Helmet:
[Lone Starr doll] Yes, it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [smacks Lone Starr doll with Dark Helmet doll]

Dark Helmet:
[Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Dark Helmet:
[Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over]

Dark Helmet:
[Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] And you, too! [knocks Dot doll over]

Dark Helmet:
[Dot doll] Aaargh!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone! And yet, I find you strangely attractive.

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone!

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] No, kiss me!

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] No, no, yes.

Dark Helmet:
[Helmet doll] No.

Dark Helmet:
[Vespa doll] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhh, your helmet is so big.

Colonel Sandurz:
[barges in] Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet:
[startled, hiding his action figures] WHAT?!

Colonel Sandurz:
You're needed on the bridge, sir!

Dark Helmet:
[unfathomably embarrassed] KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!

Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir!

Dark Helmet:
[pause] Did you see anything?

Colonel Sandurz:
No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!

Dark Helmet:
Good!

[Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck]

Guard:
[pause] What the Hell are you doin'?

Lone Starr:
The Vulcan neck pinch?

Guard:
No, no, no, stupid. You got it much too high. It's down here, where the shoulder meets the neck.

Lone Starr:
Like [jabs into the correct place] this?

Guard:
Yeah!

[The guard collapses]

Lone Starr:
Thanks.

Why make billions when we can make millions?

[Vinnie appears on Lone Starr's video screen]

Lone Starr:
Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?

Vinnie:
No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants.

[camera shifts slowly to the right to see Pizza the Hutt laughing]

Lone Starr and Barf:
Pizza the Hutt!

Pizza the Hutt:
[belches] Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke.

Barf:
That's Barf.

Pizza the Hutt:
Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?

Lone Starr:
Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.

Pizza the Hutt:
No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow.

Lone Starr:
100,000 spacebucks? By tomorrow?

Pizza the Hutt:
100,000?! Ha-ha-ha! No way! You forgot late charges which brings it up to, uh... 1,000,000 spacebucks.

Lone Starr:
1,000,000?! That's unfair!

Pizza the Hutt:
Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else.

Barf:
Or else what?

Pizza the Hutt:
Tell them, Vinnie.

Vinnie:
Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.

[Spaceball I's radar has been literally jammed with real jam]

Radar Technician:
[Through P.A to Col. Sandurz] Sir!

Colonel Sandurz:
[as he and Dark Helmet look over] What is it?

Radar Technician:
Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?

[Sandurz and Helmet walk over]

Sandurz:
Well?

Radar Technician:
[Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

[Sandurz grabs the microphone the Technician was just using]

Sandurz:
: You don't need that, private. We're right here. Now, what is it?

Radar Technician:
[Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

[Helmet rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside.]

Dark Helmet:
Now, what is it?

Radar Technician:
[Normally] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!

Dark Helmet:
What's wrong with it?

Radar Technician:
I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.

Dark Helmet:
The what?

Colonel Sandurz:
The what?

Dark Helmet:
And the what?

Radar Techician:
You know, the bleeps... [Makes radar-beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]

Dark Helmet:
[Quietly, to Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.

Radar Technician:
Sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [Jam starts flowing through the computer screen] jammed!

Dark Helmet:
Jammed? [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz breaks the fourth wall by noticing the approaching camera, and getting out of it's way] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [Pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [the camera collides with Helmet and he collapses]

Dark Helmet:
[after catching Vespa's car] Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball soldier loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!

Soldier:
[stands aside] Jawohl, Lord Helmet!

Dark Helmet:
[looks at him, then heads to the car] So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceball soldiers in the room and Colonel Sandurz drop their guns and cover their groins]

Radar Man:
Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.

Dark Helmet:
Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Sta-- [car's door slams on top of his helmet]

[Spaceballs are literally combing the desert]

Colonel Sandurz:
Sir?

Dark Helmet:
[about to use the bullhorn to the workers but uses it on Sandurz instead] What?

Colonel Sandurz:
Are we being too literal?

Dark Helmet:
[through the bullhorn] No, you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it. [puts down bullhorn] Found anything yet?!

Soldier:
Nothing yet, sir!

Dark Helmet:
(shouting) How about you?!

Soldier:
Not a thing, sir!

[camera pans to two soldiers using an Afro Pick.]

Dark Helmet:
What about you guys?!

Black soldier:
We ain't found sh*t!

Lone Starr:
I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

Yogurt:
Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Opening Credits:
[in tiny print]: If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

Dark Helmet:
How many A**holes have we got on this ship, anyhow? [Everyone On-Board: [raises hands; except one] Yo!] I knew it, I'm surrounded by A**holes! [lowers helmet] Keep firing, A**holes!

Dark Helmet:
Now we'll show her who is in charge of this galaxy. [A soldier volunteers, but Helmet stops him] Hold it...I'll handle this personally. [Soldier: Jawohl, Lord Helmet!] So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your planet...to ours. [pauses looking at the camera for comedic effect then opens door, but finds nothing, then lifts helmet] She's not in there!

Dark Helmet:
Ludicrous Speed, Go!

Dark Helmet:
1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage lock!

Dark Helmet:
Commence operation [pause] "Vacu-Suck"!

Dark Helmet:
You have the ring. And I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.

Dark Helmet:
Sh*t! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!

Dark Helmet:
Come back, you fat-bearded b*tch!

Dot Matrix:
It's either the 4th of July or someone's trying to kill us!

Dot Matrix:
We'll have none of that mister! How far did he get? What'd he touch?

Dot Matrix:
Here I am! I'm sorry! I had to make a pit stop! I'm so excited that I couldn't hold my oil.

President Skroob:
[Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!

President Skroob:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Sandurz and Helmet look at each other in disbelief]

President Skroob:
[When the self-destruct siren is going off] Where the hell are we, Paris?!?

President Skroob:
One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell's the matter with this seat belt? AHHH! [referring to the bear that was already in the seat]

Lone Starr:
Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Lone Starr:
YOU listen! On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!

Lone Starr:
[Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!

Lone Starr:
[Talking on the Winnebago intercom to the passengers] Buckle up back there, we're going into..."Hyperactive"!

Lone Starr:
Listen, you royal...highness. Take only what you need to survive. [Later, we see Lone Starr and Barf carrying the whole 'Royal Highness' Matched Luggage' across the desert...]

Lone Starr:
You know something, Princess? You're ugly when you're angry!

Barf:
[Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!

Barf:
Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Barf:
[After Vespa blows away a group of Spaceballs] Holy sh*t!

Barf:
Nice dissolve.

Barf:
I'll have the cleavage, I mean the special.

Barf:
The s- That's what I ordered! Change my order to the soup! [Lone Starr: Good move.]

King Roland:
Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. [whispers] It's not insured...

King Roland:
I'm breathing! Air! AIR!!!

Druidian Priest:
Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!

Druidian Priest:
We are here to join these two together in holy—MOLY!!

Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz:
[watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck!

Colonel Sandurz:
[After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!

Diner Patron:
Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol!

Princess Vespa:
It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it!

Placemat in Diner reads:
Spaceballs the Placemat; one of several references to film merchandising.

Newsman:
On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretch limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky 5... Thousand!

Vinnie:
[To Pizza the Hutt] Mmmmm! You're delicious.

The sign outside the church on Druidia first reads:
"TODAY The royal wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium TOMORROW BINGO"

The sign outside the church on Druidia later reads:
"TODAY The royal wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium TAKE TWO"

The bumper sticker on Spaceball One reads:
"WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY"

The bumper sticker on Eagle 5 reads:
"I [heart] URANUS"

President Skroob's sheet reads:
"Spaceballs The Sheet"; yet another reference to film merchandising

President Skroob's toilet paper roll reads:
"Spaceballs The Toilet Paper" on all the sheets.

The license plate on Vespa's Mercedes reads:
"SPOIL'D ROTT'N 1"

The towel seen when Lone Starr and Dark Helmet fight reads:
"Spaceballs the Towel"