A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story is a 1983 film, set in the 1940s, about a boy who has to convince his parents, teachers, and Santa that a Red Ryder BB gun really is the perfect Christmas gift.

Director(s): Jean Sheppard
Year:
1983
4,450 Views

Flick:
You're full of beans, and so is your old man.

Scott Schwartz:
Oh, yeah?

Flick:
Yeah!

Scott Schwartz:
Says who?

Flick:
Says me!

Scott Schwartz:
Oh, yeah?

Flick:
Yeah!

Scott Schwartz:
Well, I double-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important.

Flick:
Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.

Scott Schwartz:
That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

Flick:
You're full of it!

Scott Schwartz:
Oh, yeah?

Flick:
Yeah!

Scott Schwartz:
Well I double dog-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Now it was serious. A double dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you"? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog-dare.

Flick:
[over narrator's voice] This guy's really dumb.

Scott Schwartz:
I triple dog-dare ya!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Hmm. Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!

Flick:
All right, all right.

[Flick sighs and hesitantly sticks his tongue out]

Scott Schwartz:
Oh, go on, smart-ass, and do it!

Flick:
[tongue out] I'm goin', I'm goin'!

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.

Flick:
[puts his tongue on pole] This is nothin'. [tries to pull off, but can't and realizes Schwartz was right.] Stuck? Stuck?! STUCK! STUCK! [he starts screaming and bawling]

Schwartz:
Jeez! It really works! Look at him!

[the school bell rings and the students run back to the school except Flick, who keeps bawling]

Flick:
Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me, come back!

Ralphie:
But the bell rang!

Scott Schwartz:
Well, what are we gonna do?!

Ralphie:
I don't know, the bell rang!

Flick:
Don't leave me, come back! Come back, come back! [he bawls as he is still stuck to the pole]

[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it]

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.

Ralphie:
Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.

Mr. Parker:
[stunned] What did you say?

Ralphie:
Uh, um--

Mr. Parker:
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

[Ralphie gets into the car.]

Mrs. Parker:
Everything go alright?

[Ralphie doesn't answer.]

Mr. Parker:
[closes the trunk and checks his watch] Ah!

[Ralphie watches Mr. Parker gets into the car]

Mrs. Parker:
8 minutes.

Mr. Parker:
You know what your son just said?

Mrs. Parker:
No. What?

Mr. Parker:
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?

[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear]

Mrs. Parker:
[shocked] AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! RALPHIE!!!!

[scene switches to Ralphie with soap in his mouth]

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--

Ralphie:
[disgusted] Yuck!

Mrs. Parker:
You ready to tell me?

Ralphie:
[mumbles and nods his head.]

Mrs. Parker:
[removes soap from his mouth] All right. Where did you hear that word?

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie:
Schwartz!

Mrs. Parker:
[satisfied] Oh... I see. [puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]

Ralphie:
[yells with soap in his mouth]

Mrs. Parker:
[dials Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

Mrs. Schwartz:
[indistinguishable]

Mrs. Parker:
No. He said... [inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word into the phone]

Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone] NO, NOT THAT!

Mrs. Parker:
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?

Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone] Probably from his father.

Mrs. Parker:
No! He heard it from your son!

Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone, angrily screaming] WHAT?! WHAAAAAAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [She is heard in the background smacking Schwartz, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]

Schwartz:
AAAAGH!!! WHAT'D I DO, MOM?! WHAT, I DIDN'T DO NOTHING!!!! AAAAAAAGH!!!!!! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls in pain, with his mother shrieking and wailing in the process. she then puts the phone back and hangs up]

Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.

Mrs. Parker:
[takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [shocked] W-- Don't you give me that look,you're gonna get it!

Mr. Parker:
[admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap] My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?

Ralphie:
Not me.

Mr. Parker:
Oh, really? Randy did it last year.

Ralphie:
Well, he can do it again.

Mr. Parker:
You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?

Ralphie:
Yeah.

Mrs. Parker:
No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?

Ralphie:
Yeah, pretty nice.

Mr. Parker:
Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?

Ralphie:
[thinking about not getting the BB gun] Well, almost.

Mr. Parker:
Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.

Ralphie:
Yep.

Mr. Parker:
[feigns a surprised look] Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?

Ralphie:
Where?

Mr. Parker:
Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.

[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]

Mrs. Parker:
What did we put over there, honey?

Mr. Parker:
[stammers] Uh, Santa Claus probably put it.

Ralphie:
[opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun] WOW!

[Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun]

Mr. Parker:
[laughs] Do you know how to load it?

Ralphie:
Yeah. [loads gun]

Mr. Parker:
C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.

Ralphie:
[delighted] Can I...Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?

Mr. Parker:
Sure.

Mrs. Parker:
[reluctantly] Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]

Mr. Parker:
But...I had one when I was eight years old.

Mrs. Parker:
What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.

Mr. Parker:
Except the Bumpuses' dogs!

Mrs. Parker:
Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!

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