A Diva's Christmas Carol

Ebony Scrooge:
Skinny b*tch!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
[gasps and smiles] Did you say skinny?

[While watching Bob Cratchett talk on the phone to his ill son, Tim]

Ebony Scrooge:
I had no idea Tim was sick.

Ghost of Christmas Present:
You had no idea his name was Tim.

Ebony Scrooge:
Save it for the suckers, Grandpa!

Ebony Scrooge:
These people have no idea how to treat a superstar!

Ebony Scrooge:
I may be a sweetheart now, but no one pees on the diva!

Ebony Scrooge:
Stop haunting me!

Ghost of Christmas Past:
Stop being so hauntable!

Ebony Scrooge:
[after seeing her tombstone with the words "She was the wind beneath our wings" on it] No! Not Bette Midler!

Ghost of Christmas Present:
Are you going to come with me, or am I going to have to get nasty with you?

Ebony Scrooge:
Don't you mean nastier?

Ghost of Christmas Present:
I do.

Ebony Scrooge:
Is this about the royalties because I thought we already settled that. If I write 65% of the songs, I get 65% of the...

Marli Jacob:
[shows her chains] I think I'm way past worried about money now.

Ebony Scrooge:
Well, then you must be dead because no one's ever past worrying about money. And what's with the getup? I thought you quit the chains when you broke up with that guy from Paramus.

Marli Jacob:
These chains are to represent my mistakes, how I messed up my life.

Ebony Scrooge:
I'll say you did. What a waste. And we were getting so big.

Marli Jacob:
But how did we use our success? What did we do to help our own? In the true business of life, we were flops.

Ebony Scrooge:
That doesn't make sense.

Marli Jacob:
I have tried, Lord knows I have tried, to reach you from... wherever it is I am, and tonight I finally did. So I am telling you, you have got to start...

Ebony Scrooge:
What gives you the right to tell me what to do?

Marli Jacob:
What gives me the right? [Room brightens up as she sits down] We were best friends. You tell me what happened to that.

Ebony Scrooge:
You screwed up, that's what happened.

Marli Jacob:
You pushed us out of the spotlight!

Ebony Scrooge:
Now it's all my fault?

Marli Jacob:
Excuse me, I'm talking! The first minute we're a trio, the next, Terri and I are your backup singers! And that hurts!

Marli Jacob:
Well, where were you Christmas Eve 1990?

Ebony Scrooge:
Where was I? I was just getting the news that you got yourself messed up and got your Porsche wrapped around a tree.

Marli Jacob:
Yeah, and I took two innocent lives with me. And what did you do?

Ebony Scrooge:
I cried all night long. I never really got over it.

Marli Jacob:
The very night I died, you abandoned Terry and started planning your own solo act.

Ebony Scrooge:
That's not true.

Marli Jacob:
And I had to watch it. My hell is watching you mess up your life. [She hangs her head in shame, but then looks up after a moment] Remember that showcase that Bob put together for us at Tramps? that night was make-or-break. We do a good show, we get signed. If we choke, we're history, remember?

Ebony Scrooge:
Yeah, we kicked butt.

Marli Jacob:
Well, tonight is just like that. You're going to be visited by three spirits. At 1:00, 2:00...

Ebony Scrooge:
Oooh, tonight's no good.

Marli Jacob:
Well, tough!

Ebony Scrooge:
I have to get some sleep. I have "A.M. America" to do in the morning.

Marli Jacob:
They're spirits. They don't care about no talk shows.

Ebony Scrooge:
Nobody cares about talk shows. But if you look at my calender [Marli disappears] Well, this Pharmalayin is some powerful sh... [she falls out in a dead sleep]