Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
How stupid can you get?

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
How stupid do you want me to be?

Madame Rontru:
[looking at a fluroscope of Freddie's insides] A marble, two buttons, a safety pin...

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
I lost a tie clasp two years ago, see if that's in there.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Ask Klaris, he's the one that got us into this.

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
And he's going to get us out of it.

The Flower Girl:
Flowers?

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
[points to one bunch of flowers] How much are these?

The Flower Girl:
A dollar.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
[points to another bunch] How much are these?

The Flower Girl:
A dollar.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
I got no money. [throws a bouquet back on the tray]

The Flower Girl:
No money? [picks up the bunch he threw back] They're a little wilted, you can have them for nothing.

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
[finding Professor Zoomer's body dressed in his long underwear] Is this the body you found earlier?

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Yeah, but before he had clothes on.

Waiter with Flaming Kabob:
A waiter will be with you in a moment.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Hey! The meat's on fire! [throws a glass of water at the kabob but hits Abbott instead]

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
Where will we find the Mummy?

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Don't worry. the Mummy will find you!

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
I overheard Doctor Zoomer say he needed a couple of men to accompany his mummy back to the States.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Is she afraid to travel by herself?

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
She? No, Lou. This mummy is a he. What's wrong with that? Some mummies are men, some mummies are women.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Such a strange country.

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
What's strange about it Lou?

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
Your mummy, your mummy. Wasn't she a woman?

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
I never had a mummy.

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
What did your Father do? Win you in a crap game?

Bud Abbott aka Peter Patterson:
What's the matter?

Lou Costello aka Freddie Franklin:
I thought you were gonna slap me!

Madame Rontru:
There is no curse that a gun or a knife can't cure.