Adam and Six Eves

[first lines]

Smiley:
Man, oh man. What a fiasco this little jaunt has turned out to be. Just imagine, me, Smiley, the most experienced desert donkey alive, and here I am teamed up with a jackass. And in toreador pants, yet. Did you get that bit with the binoculars? Do you want to know what he sees out there? I'll tell you: nothin' but nothin'. Just take a look.

[chuckles]

Smiley:
Now, now ain't he a livin' doll? I swear, I still don't know how I managed to come up with this character. Several times it got so bad I decided to cut out, and a couple of times I even started. I know every foot of this desert like I know the bottom of my hoof. But each time I get all set to go, then I remember the map. 'Course I knew that hunting buried treasure out here made about as much sense as telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man. But still, there was always just a slim chance that map might be the real thing.

Smiley:
We have made so many circles in the past two days that I felt like an astronaut.

Smiley:
I think his mind's beginning to wander, and anything that weak should never be allowed out alone.

Smiley:
We should be out there lookin' for water, but he'd rather lay there in the shade hopin' for rain, or perform an Indian rain dance - layin' down, yet.

Smiley:
In his hometown, the girls were so prim they wore turtleneck bathin' suits. They weren't very good lookin', neither. In fact, the town held a beauty contest every year, and nobody ever won it.

Smiley:
I don't know who designed her costume, but whoever it was shoulda been placed in charge o' government spendin'.

Smiley:
Perhaps if he had concentrated on his sign language, he mighta been able to get the message through to her. But he tried to explain by usin' his head, and the only thing that was good for was somethin' to hang his face on.

Smiley:
Adam was the head ballet dance master for a herd of hippopotamuses on tour through Cucamonga. They say he was terrific until the hippos found out he wasn't one o' them.

Smiley:
The natives were serious minded, but Adam was livin' proof they could take a joke. He was the only man on the oasis, but the natives had plenty o' dates.

Smiley:
He's a big man, but he ate like a bird - a six-foot vulture.

Smiley:
The native girls thought he had a lot o' crust, but why shouldn't he? After all, he was a big loafer.

Smiley:
She was as self-conscious as a prohibitionist with the hiccups.

Smiley:
He thought hard work might help him build up his appetite. What a laugh. As it was, the only thing he didn't eat for breakfast was dinner and supper.

Smiley:
He was a good worker. Every time he lost his job, his bosses were satisfied.

Smiley:
It was so hot that the gophers were walkin' around with their coats unbuttoned.

Smiley:
The natives were more determined than ever to keep Adam from the treasure. But they had little on Adam. In fact, they had little on, period.

Smiley:
A lot of people would've envied the girls. True, their pool was only about six feet in diameter, but don't forget, they had over a thousand square miles o' beach.

Smiley:
What got me mad was the way Adam would leave his work to chase women. Then, when he caught them, he'd forget what he was chasin' 'em for.

Smiley:
Adam had come into possession of the map while workin' for Wan Long Gon, a Chinese laundry. He had been gettin' along fine at the laundry until one day he returned some shirts without breakin' the buttons and rippin' the collars. Naturally, he got fired on the spot.

Smiley:
I didn't know how well he could count. When he started kindergarten, Adam was different from all the other five-year-olds in the class. Adam was twelve. But Adam didn't let that stop him. What he lacked in intelligence, he more than made up for in stupidity.

Smiley:
Adam hadn't been able to think since the day he went to the race track. Made a mental bet with himself and lost his mind.

Smiley:
Truth was, Adam didn't trust the natives too far, and they didn't trust him too near.

Smiley:
He had so many double chins that he had to use a bookmark to find his necktie.

Smiley:
Adam made the natives come to him. He was too lazy to move. As a matter of fact, he was the kind o' guy who would stand for hours, holdin' a cocktail shaker, waitin' for an earthquake.

Smiley:
I knew a young donkey once who corrected all his faults and made a perfect ass of himself.

Smiley:
Her costume had him puzzled. He couldn't figure out where she carried her hankie.

Smiley:
He saw no evil, heard no evil, and spoke no evil. Well this kept him out of trouble, but it made him pretty much of a bore at parties.

Smiley:
Adam did stop to admire her costume, but that didn't take too long, since about all she had on was the radio.

Smiley:
I knew she was wasting her time on him. After all, they were two different types. She liked boys, and he liked girls.

Smiley:
Adam's forefathers thought nothin' o' hard work, and Adam didn't think much of it either.

Smiley:
I wouldn't exactly call her a gossip, but I noticed that she had her mouth open so much that her tongue was sunburned.

Smiley:
Not that Adam hadn't tried to lose weight. Once he had sworn off food and drink completely, and in fourteen days he lost two weeks.

[last lines]

Smiley:
Funny, but somehow the whole thing seems like it never really happened, and I'm not too sure that it did. By the way, do you happen to have a treasure map somewhere too? Hmmm?