Adventures of a Teenage Dragonslayer

Arthur:
[pulling potions from his backpack] What the...? They're all purple!

Natalie:
I mixed in Kool-aid.

Arthur:
No!

Natalie:
I didn't open the black one.

Tim:
You don't just mix Kool-Aid with potions! That's how you tell, like, uh, which one's which!

Natalie:
Ever heard of labels?

Vice-Principal Metz:
[holding her dog] It won't be long, my stinky little fur-baby, and all of our hard work will have paid off, and the world will once again know the name Lord Darksmoke. Now let's go do poopy time and then we can watch your Animal Planet, huh?

Shane:
Look, I'm sorry about before. I... I wasn't feeling myself. You... You're really not my type.

Laura:
Oh, I'm really not your type, huh? Yeah, you... well, you... could have fooled me.

Shane:
No, no, no. That's not what I meant. You're fine. You're just...

Laura:
I'm just what?

Shane:
Too... momish.

Laura:
Amish?

Shane:
Momish.

Laura:
Mom... Oh, momish! Too "momish." Nice. Nice.

Laura:
Did you hear that, Arthur? She's raised a cat. Maybe she'll teach you how to pee in a box.

Laura:
Okay, Mrs. Metz, your most royal exalted highness, I apologize. I apologize that someone saw fit to put you into a position of authority when your own son obviously has an L.O.D. problem. And I sincerely apologize that my Arthur didn't cause more harm to your little tyrant than to hurt his overpriced designer clothes. AND IF HE EVER BULLIES MY SON AGAIN, I SWEAR I WILL SHOW HIM NO LACK OF DISCIPLINE!

Laura:
Oh, is he cute?

Arthur:
Permission to barf!

Laura:
Denied, soldier. I just got the old shoe smell out of this car. I am not in the market for a new odor.

Arthur:
We'll split up.

Tim:
Can I go with you?

Arthur:
Yeah, except that will kind of ruin the whole "splitting up" thing.

Tim:
I gotta get home. I'm behind in my science fair project, and I've got a book report due tomorrow, and this is...

Arthur:
Wait-wait-wait. What's the book?

Tim:
Um... Oh, Watership Down.

Arthur:
And how far did you get?

Tim:
There's a rabbit on the cover.

Arthur:
I read that book last year.

Tim:
Yeah?

Arthur:
Yeah. It's about these rabbits. They live in a hotel.

Tim:
You mean it?

Arthur:
Yeah, and they're twins. Their names are Zack and Cody.

Tim:
Whadda you think it is? A werewolf? A vampire? Maybe... maybe a minotaur?

Natalie:
There's no such thing as minotaurs. They're mythological.

Tim:
My myth-take.

Larry Metz:
Get the bikes! We got wedgies to give.

Arthur:
You don't wanna eat me. I mean, I'll give you diarrhea, or... or SOMETHING!

Arthur:
You saved my life. The least I can do is save your teeth.

Natalie:
What about me?

Arthur:
You're back-up.

Natalie:
What does THAT mean?

Arthur:
You back us up!

Natalie:
I'm hot-wiring the car. I learned it in Scouts. It's not all cookies and knee-high socks, you know.

Arthur:
Stop signs don't count in car chases.

Laura:
Every time you get caught, you think you have to lie your way out. What do you want to end up, a politician?

Arthur:
I will neither confirm or deny that.

Laura:
Arthur, the Wicked Vice Principal of the West seems to think that you've committed some sort of crime, so could you please set the record straight so she can return to her coffin before the sun rises?

Laura:
[about Arthur] He's been drinking.

Vice-Principal Metz:
Drinking?

Laura:
Yeah, well, it's fine 'cause I gave it to him.

Laura:
[as Vice Principal Metz searches the garage] No troll, huh? Guess you're gonna have to find your dates on the Internet like the rest of us.

[Convention Flier:
"Meet Shane Barker. Inventor of Elixir! This guy! You REALLY gotta meet him! Smart, rich and did we mention the butt?"]

[Shane mentions having vivid dreams of trolls and dragons back when he was in rehab]

Tim:
Maybe you had ESP.

Shane:
Kid, they didn't have cable.

Laura:
I gotta make a phone call, so just flirt amongst yourselves, okay?

Laura:
I AM a mom. I don't have time to walk around in leather pants reading comic books. I have bills to pay and meals to make and a little boy to civilize.