Airplane!

First Jive Dude:
Sh*t man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head. You know?

Second Jive Dude:
Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you man.

First Jive Dude:
I say hey sky, s'other s'ay I wan say?

Second Jive Dude:
UH...

First Jive Dude:
Pray to J I get the same ol' same ol'.

Second Jive Dude:
Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB'in man.

First Jive Dude:
Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em.

First Jive Dude:

First Jive Dude:
Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.

Ted Striker:
My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine Dickinson:
When will you be back?

Ted Striker:
I can't tell you that. It's classified.

Steve McCroskey:
This fog is getting thicker.

Johnny:
And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.

Rumack:
You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine Dickinson:
A hospital? What is it?

Rumack:
It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Captain Oveur:
Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

Ted Striker:
Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid.

Elaine Dickinson:
Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.

Rumack:
Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?

Elaine Dickinson:
No.

Ted Striker:
I've got to concentrate...

Ted Striker:
concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon... Manny Mota... Mota... Mota...

Reporter:
What kind of plane is it?

Johnny:
Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with a red stripes, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol.

Rex Kramer:
Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.

Steve McCroskey:
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.

Steve McCroskey:
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

Steve McCroskey:
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines

Hanging Lady:
Nervous?

Ted Striker:
Yes.

Hanging Lady:
First time?

Ted Striker:
No, I've been nervous lots of times.

Steve McCroskey:
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

Roger Murdock:
We have clearance Clarence.

Captain Oveur:
Roger, Roger. What's our vector Victor?

Captain Oveur:
That's Clarence Oveur. Over.

Roger Murdock:
Huh?

Roger Murdock:
Huh?

Captain Oveur:
Huh?

Elaine Dickinson:
There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?

Ted Striker:
Surely you can't be serious.

Rumack:
I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.

Elaine Dickinson:
You got a letter from headquarters this morning.

Ted Striker:
What is it?

Elaine Dickinson:
It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.

Steve McCroskey:
Johnny, what can you make out of this?

Johnny:
This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...

Rumack:
I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself all of these years. I was in the war, Medical Corps. One night they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He looked at me and said, "Doc, the odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway. I'm glad. Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip.

Ted Striker:
George Zip said that?

Rumack:
Yes, he looked at me and said, "Doc," he said, "Some time, when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to get out there and give it all they've got. And win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then Doc, he said. But I won't smell too good, that's for sure."

Rumack:
Captain, how soon can you land?

Captain Oveur:
I can't tell.

Rumack:
You can tell me. I'm a doctor.

Captain Oveur:
No. I mean I'm just not sure.

Rumack:
Well, can't you take a guess?

Captain Oveur:
Well, not for another two hours.

Rumack:
You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Captain Oveur:
You ever been in a cockpit before?

Joey:
No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.

Captain Oveur:
You ever seen a grown man naked?

Captain Oveur:
Joey, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?

Joey:
Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Roger Murdock:
I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Joey:
You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.

Roger Murdock:
I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?

Captain Oveur:
Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.

Roger Murdock:
But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.

Joey:
I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.

Roger Murdock:
The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.

Ted Striker:
I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying altogether.

Rumack:
What was it we had for dinner tonight?

Elaine Dickinson:
Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.

Rumack:
Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

Elaine Dickinson:
Would you like something to read?

Hanging Lady:
Do you have anything light?

Elaine Dickinson:
How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"

Captain Oveur:
What is it, Doctor? What's going on?

Rumack:
I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.

Hanging Lady:
No wonder you're upset. She's lovely. And a darling figure... supple, pouting breasts... firm thighs. It's a shame you two don't get along.

Captain Oveur:
Get me Ham on five, hold the Mayo.

Young Boy with Coffee:
I thought you might like some coffee.

Young Boy with Coffee:
Sugar?

Little Girl:
No thanks, I take it black, like my men.

Steve McCroskey:
Get me someone who won't crack under pressure.

Johnny:
How about Mister Rogers?

Rex Kramer:
Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. It's a dumb question... skip it.

Rex Kramer:
But it's his ship now, his command. He's in charge, the boss, the head man, top dog, big cheese, a head honcho, number...

Rumack:
The survival of everyone on board depends on just one thing: finding someone on board who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

Jack Kirkpatrick:
Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.

Johnny:
The tower, the tower, Rapunzel.

Rex Kramer:
(points out the window) There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast.

Ted Striker:
I know, I know.

Elaine Dickinson:
He knows, he knows.

Randy:
Can I get you something?

Second Jive Dude:
'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!

Randy:
I'm sorry, I don't understand.

First Jive Dude:
Cutty say 'e can't HANG!

Jive Lady:
Oh stewardess! I speak jive.

Randy:
Oh, good.

Jive Lady:
He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.

Randy:
All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?

Jive Lady:
Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.

Second Jive Dude:
What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!

Jive Lady:
Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!

First Jive Dude:
Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!

Jive Lady:
Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Hmmph!

Ted Striker:
It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts.

Elaine Dickinson:
It's a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts.

Ted Striker:
It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.

Ted Striker:
What a pisser!

Rumack:
Mr. Striker, the passengers are getting worse. You must land soon.

Ted Striker:
Surely there must be something you can do.

Rumack:
I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley.

Elaine:
It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with a man I don't respect.

Rumack:
Randy, are you all right?

Randy:
Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.

Rumack:
We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.

Rumack:
Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?

Controller:
I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too.

Elaine:
Would you gentlemen care to order your dinners?

First Jive Dude:
Bet, babe. Slide a piece o' da' porter. Drink side, run da' java.

Second Jive Dude:
Hey lookie here. I can dig grease 'n chompin' on some butter and draggin' through the garden.

Mrs. Geline:
I haven't felt this bad since I saw that Ronald Regan movie.

Elaine Dickinson:
Ted! What are you doing here? *You* can't fly this plane!

Ted Striker:
That's what I'm trying to *tell* these people!

Rex Kramer:
Don't be a fool, Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there.

Ted Striker:
No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer?

Johnny:
Auntie Em, where's Toto? Its a twister! Its a twister!

Steve McCroskey:
How 'bout some coffee, Johnny?

Johnny:
No thanks!

Rex Kramer:
Passengers certain to die!

Steve McCroskey:
Airline neglect.

Johnny:
There's a sale at Penny's!

LA Control Tower:
Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.

Oveur:
Roger.

Murdock:
Huh?

LA Control Tower:
L.A. departure frequency: 1-2-3 point 9'er.

Oveur:
Roger.

Murdock:
Huh?

Basta:
Request vector, over.

Oveur:
What?

LA Control Tower:
Flight 2-0-9'er, clear for vector 2-3-4.

Murdock:
We have clearance, Clarence.

Oveur:
Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?

Striker:
The stewardess said... [Before he could say that she told him the pilot needed help, he notices that only the autopilot is flying the plane] BOTH pilots?!

Rumack:
Can you fly this plane and land it?

Striker:
Surely you can't be serious?

Rumack:
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Note: those last two lines ranked #79 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

Randy:
Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit…

Striker:
The cockpit…what is it?

Randy:
It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important right now.

[Elaine and Rumack investigate the fish poisoning]

Elaine:
Doctor, Mr. Hammen ate fish, and Randy said there are five more cases, and they all had fish, too.

Rumack:
And the co-pilot had fish. What did the navigator have?

Elaine:
He had fish.

Rumack:
All right, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this plane had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next half hour.

Elaine:
Just how serious is it?

Rumack:
Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat.

[Oveur starts suffering from these]

Rumack:
When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash...

[Oveur suffers from those as well]

Rumack:
...then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling.

[Oveur also suffers from these]

Rumack:
At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence. [Oveur does]

Rumack:
Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly.

[Oveur collapses completely at the controls and the plane plummets, people swaying back and forth, and warning sign comes on saying "No Smoking - Rows 11-51, No Sexual Intercourse - Rows 13-51"]

Dr. Rumack:
Captain, these passengers don't have much time. How soon can we land?

Oveur:
I can't tell.

Dr. Rumack:
You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Oveur:
What I mean is, I don't know.

Dr. Rumack:
Well can't you take a guess?

Oveur:
...Not for another two hours.

Dr. Rumack:
You can't take a guess for another two hours?

Oveur:
No what I'm saying is we can't land for another two hours.

McCroskey:
Johnny, what can you make of this? [hands Johnny a map]

Johnny:
This? Well, I can make a hat; I can make a brooch; I can make a pterodactyl!

Steve:
He'll never bring it down in this soup. Never! Not one chance in a million.

Rex:
I know. I know. But it's his ship now, his command; he's in charge, he's the boss, the head man, the top dog, the big cheese, the head honcho, number one...

Roger Murdock:

Do you want me to check the weather Clarence?

Captain Oveur:

No, why don’t you take care of it.

Julie Haggerty says to Striker:
I remember sitting on your face and wiggling around.

Ted Striker:
Shirley can't be serious. Dr. Rumack: I am serious and don't me Shirley.

Passenger in taxi:
I'm going to give him 25 minutes. But that's it.