Aladdin

Jafar:
Iago patience Gazeem was obviously less than worthy.

Iago:
Oh, there's a big surprise. That's an incredible... I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die, from that surprise. What are we gonna do? We got a big problem a big (Jafar shuts his mouth)

Jafar:
Only 1 may enter I must find this 1 this diamond in the rough

Iago:
Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting.

Aladdin:
Princess Jasmine, you're very...

Genie:
Wonderful! Magnificent! Glorious!... Punctual!

Aladdin:
Punctual!

Princess Jasmine:
Punctual?

Genie:
Sorry.

Aladdin:
Uh... uh... beautiful!

Genie:
Nice recovery.

Aladdin:
Princess Jasmine, you're very...

Genie:
Wonderful. Magnificent. Glorious... Punctual!

Aladdin:
Punctual!

Princess Jasmine:
Punctual?

Genie:
Sorry.

Aladdin:
Uh... uh... beautiful!

Genie:
Nice recovery.

Iago:
With all due respect, Your Rottenness, couldn't we just wait for a *real* storm?

Jafar:
Save your breath, Iago. Faster!

Iago:
Yes, oh, mighty evil one.

Genie:
Three, no substitutions, exchanges or refunds.

Genie:
Rule number three, I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. I don't like doing it!

Genie:
Thank you for choosing "Magic Carpet" for all your travel needs. Don't stand till the rug has come to a complete stop. Thank you. Goodbye, now. Goodbye. Goodbye, thank you. Goodbye.

Genie:
Well, how about *that*, Mr. Doubting Mustafa?

Aladdin:
Oh, you sure showed me. Now about my three wishes...

Genie:
Dost mine ears deceive me? "Three?" You are down by one, boy!

Aladdin:
Ah, no, I never actually wished to get out of the cave. Heh. You did that on your own.

Genie:
Oh. Well, I feel sheepish.

Genie:
All right, you baaaaaad boy. But no more freebies.

Genie:
All right, aparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady, ya gotta be a straight shooter. Do ya got it?

Genie:
Oi! Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck.

Jafar:
You! How many times do I have to kill you, boy?

Aladdin:
Get the lamp!

Jafar:
No! Ah ah ah Princess your time is up!

(Jafar traps her in an hourglass)

Aladdin:
Jasmine!

Iago:
Nice shot Jafar

Jafar:
Don't toy with me!

Jafar:
You are late.

Gazeem:
A thousand apologies, oh, patient one.

Jafar:
You have it then?

Gazeem:
I had to slit a few throats but I got it

Genie:
It's all part and parcel of the whole genie gig: phenomenal cosmic powers, itty-bitty living space.

Genie:
Enough about you, Casanova. Talk about her. She's smart, fun. The hair, the eyes. Anything. Pick a feature.

Genie:
Never fails. You get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp. Hello? Al? (Gasps) Al kid snap out of it! You can't cheat on this 1 I can't help ya unless ya make a wish Ya have to say "Genie I want you to save my life" OK got it? Come on Aladdin!

Genie:
Yo, Rugman! Haven't seen you in a few millennia. Give me some tassel.

Jafar:
You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife.

Jasmine:
I will never marry you! Father I choose Prince Ali

Jafar:
Prince Ali left

Aladdin:
Better check your crystal ball again Jafar

Jasmine:
Prince Ali! (Jafar gasps)

Iago:
How in the heck? Uh awk!

Aladdin:
Tell em the truth Jafar you tried to have me killed!

Jafar:
Ridiculous nonsense your highness he is obviously lying

Sultan:
(under Jafar's power) Obviously lying

Sultan:
Jafar, you vile betrayer.

Iago:
That's Sultan Vile Betrayer to you.

Aladdin:
Oh yeah? We'll just see about that (gasps) The lamp!

Jafar:
Finders keepers Abooboo

Genie:
So, move.

Genie:
That's a good move.

Genie:
I can't believe it. I'm losin' to a rug.

Genie:
Oh, Al. I'm gettin' kinda fond of you, kid. Not that I wanna pick out curtains or anything.

Razoul:
You idiots. We've all got swords.

Genie:
But oh, to be free. Not to have to go "Poof! Whaddaya need," "Poof! Whaddaya need," "Poof! Whaddaya need?". To be my own master. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.

Aladdin:
Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?

Jafar:
A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how sss-snake-like I can be.

Iago:
Ya got a problem pinky? Jerk (laughs evilly and takes Al's lamp) Boy Jafar's gonna be happy to see you (Imitating Jafar) Excellent work Iago (Normal) Go on (Imitation) No really on a scale of 1 to 10 you're 11

Genie:
I'm history. No, I'm mythology. Ah, I don't care what I am, I'm free!

Razoul:
Why, Princess Jasmine. What are you doing outside the palace walls? And with this street rat?

Princess Jasmine:
That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him.

Razoul:
Well, I would, princess, except my orders come from Jafar. So, you'll have to take it up with him.

Princess Jasmine:
Believe me, I will.

Aladdin:
All this for a loaf of bread?

Genie:
Made you look.

Cave of Wonders:
Who disturbs my slumber?

Aladdin:
You think that was easy?

Iago:
Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's gone nuts. Jafar. Jafar! Get a grip!

Iago:
Ack! Good grip.

Aladdin:
Provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? Some all-powerful Genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't get us out of this cave. Looks like we'll have to find a way out of here.

Genie:
Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden you're walking out on me? I don't think so, not right now. You're getting your wishes, so sit down!

Aladdin:
Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught.

Razoul:
Gotcha!

Aladdin:
I'm in trouble.

Merchant:
Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment. And the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan! On sale today! Come on down.

Iago:
I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers... Bam! Whack!

Jafar:
Calm yourself, Iago. Soon I will be sultan, not that addlepated twit.

Iago:
And then I stuff the crackers down his throat.

Genie:
Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that, or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side. Do I look different to you?

Jafar:
You little fool. You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth.

Iago:
Squeeze him, Jafar. Squeeze him like a...

Jafar:
Without the genie, boy, you're nothing.

Aladdin:
The genie. The genie! The genie has more power than you'll ever have.

Jafar:
What?

Aladdin:
He gave you your power. He can take it away.

Genie:
Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this?

Aladdin:
Face it, Jafar. You're still just second best.

Jafar:
You're right. His power does exceed my own. But not for long.

Genie:
The boy is crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. One too many hits with the snake.

Jafar:
Slave, I make my third wish. I wish to be an all-powerful genie.

Genie:
All right. Your wish is my command. Way to go, Al.

Genie:
Jafar, Jafar, he's our man. If he can't do it, *great*!

Iago:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jafar, what if YOU were the chump husband?

Jafar:
What?

Iago:
Okay, okay, YOU marry the princess, all right? Then YOU become the sultan!

Jafar:
I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince A-boo-boo.

Genie:
That's right! He can be taught!

Aladdin:
I'm not worthless! And I don't have fleas!

Sultan:
I don't know where she gets it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky.

Genie, I wish for your freedom.

Guard 1:
[spots Aladdin] There he is!

Guard 2:
You won't get away so easy!

Aladdin:
[holds up the bread] You think that was easy?

[He turns to see a group of women laughing at him]

Razoul:
[to his guards] You two, over that way! And you, follow me! We'll find him!

[Aladdin walks up to the women, disguised as one of them]

Aladdin:
Morning, ladies.

Woman 1:
Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we, Aladdin?

Aladdin:
Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught.

Razoul:
[grabs Aladdin] GOTCHA!

Aladdin:
I'm in trouble!

Sultan:
[brandishes the piece of Achmed's clothing] So, this is why Prince Achmed stormed out!

Jasmine:
Oh, Father! Rajah was just playing with him. Weren't you, Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you? [she and her tiger chuckle and then see the Sultan glaring at them] Ahem...

Sultan:
Dearest, you've got to stop rejecting every suitor who comes to call! The law says you -

Jasmine:
[choruses with him] Must be married to a prince...

Sultan:
... by your next birthday.

Jasmine:
The law is wrong!

Sultan:
You've only got 3 more days!

Jasmine:
Father! I hate being forced into this. If I do marry...I want it to be for love.

Sultan:
Jasmine...it's not only this law...I'm not going to be around forever, and, well, I just want to make sure you're taken care of. Provided for.

Jasmine:
Please, try to understand! I've never done a thing on my own. I've never had any real friends. [Rajah looks up, growling] Except you, Rajah. [Rajah lies down again, smiling] I've never even been outside the palace walls.

Sultan:
But Jasmine, you're a princess.

Jasmine:
Then maybe I don't wanna be a princess any more!

Sultan:
Ooooh! [to Rajah] Allah forbid you should have any daughters!

[Rajah grunts confusedly]

Aladdin:
[finds the lamp] This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to...?

[he suddenly sees Abu about to snatch the ruby from the monkey idol]

Aladdin:
Abu! NO!

[Abu grabs the ruby]

Cave:
[echoes through the chamber] INFIDELS!

Abu:
Uh-oh!

Cave:
You have touched the forbidden treasure!

[Abu sheepishly tries to put the ruby back in the idol's palm, but the idol melts away]

Cave:
Now you will never again see the light of DAY!!!

[after the entrance to the Cave of Wonders is sealed, Jafar, thinking that he has the lamp, laughs]

Jafar:
It's mine. [removes his disguise] It's all mine! [looks into his robe] I-- [takes a closer look] Where is it? [pats down his empty robe] No! [falls to his knees] NO!!!

Aladdin:
[after learning Genie's rules] Provisos? You mean, limitations on wishes? Some all-powerful genie. He can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't even get us outta this cave. Looks like we're gonna hafta find a way outta here.

[Genie stomps his foot loudly in front of the duo]

Genie:
Excuse me?! [scoffs in annoyance] Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! Not right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO SIT DOWN!!!

[Aladdin and Abu sit on the carpet; Genie joins them]

Genie:
In case of emergency, [points in different directions with many arms] the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here,... ANYWHERE! [retracts his extra arms] Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE...!!!

[the carpet takes off and pops out of the cave]

Genie:
...OUTTA HERE!!!

[Genie and Carpet are playing Chess]

Genie:
So move!

[Carpet takes his queen and knocks Genie's off the board]

Genie:
Hey! That's a good move. [imitates Rodney Dangerfield] I can't believe it! I'm losing to a rug!

Genie:
He's got the outfit, he's got the elephant, but we're not through yet! Hang on to your turban kid, we're gonna make you a star!

Aladdin:
[to Genie, regretfully] Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I.....I can't wish you free.

Genie:
[obviously hurt] Fine. I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was just beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, Master. [vanishes into his lamp]

Genie:
[coming out of the lamp after Jafar has rubbed it] Y'know, Al, I'm getting really [spots Jafar] I - don't think you're him. [reading from a script and looking at Jafar through opera glasses] Tonight the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man.

[Annoyed at the insult, Jafar grabs Genie's beard, throws him to the ground, and steps on the his face]

Jafar:
I am your master now!

Genie:
I was afraid of that.

Jafar:
Genie, grant me my first wish. I wish to rule on high as Sultan!

Jafar:
I'm just getting warmed up! [spits fire]

Aladdin:
Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?!

Jafar:
[emerges through the flames] A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how SSSSNAKE-LIKE I CAN BE! [with these words, Jafar transforms into a giant cobra]

Jafar:
You little fool. You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth?! Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing!

Aladdin:
[looks down at Genie] The Genie. The Genie! [to Jafar] The Genie has more power than you'll ever have!

Jafar:
What?!

Aladdin:
He gave you your power! He can take it away!

Genie:
Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this?

Aladdin:
Face it, Jafar! You're still just second-best!

Jafar:
[gasps] You're right! His power does exceed my own. [slithers toward Genie] But not for long.

Genie:
The boy's crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. One too many hits with a snake.

Jafar:
[after becoming a genie] The universe is mine to command! TO CONTROL!!

Aladdin:
Not so fast, Jafar! Aren't you forgetting something?!

Jafar:
Huh?

Aladdin:
You wanted to be a genie? You got it!

Jafar:
WHAT?!

Aladdin:
[sucks the evil genie into a black lamp] And everything that goes with it!

Jafar:
NO! NO!!

Iago:
I'm gettin' outta here!

Aladdin:
Phenomenal cosmic powers!

Jafar:
NOOOOOOOO!!!

Iago:
[Jafar grabs him] Come on! You're the genie! I don't wanna be... [gets trapped in the lamp with Jafar]

Aladdin:
Itty-bitty living space.

Genie:
Al! You little genius, you!

Aladdin:
Well, I guess... this is... goodbye?

Jasmine:
Oh, that stupid law. This isn't fair. I love you.

Genie:
Al, no problem. You still got one wish left! Just say the word, and you're a prince again.

Aladdin:
But, Genie, what about your freedom?

Genie:
Hey, it's only an eternity of servitude. [pushes Aladdin and Jasmine closer together] This is love. Al, you're never going to find another girl like her in a million years. Believe me, I know: I've looked.

Genie:
I'm free... I'm free. [to Aladdin] Quick, QUICK! Wish for something outrageous, say 'I-I want the Nile'! Wish for the Nile, try that.

Aladdin:
Uh... I wish for the Nile.

Genie:
NO WAY! [points and laughs]] OH, does this feel good! Oh! I'm free! I'm free at last! [starts packing a suitcase] I'm hitting the road! I'm off to see the world! I'm- [Looks at Aladdin who smiles sadly and looks down]

Aladdin:
Genie, I'm gonna miss you.

Genie:
[tearfully] Me, too, Al. No matter what anybody says... you'll always be a prince to me. [He and Aladdin hug]

Sultan:
That's right. You have certainly proven your worth as far as I'm concerned! It's that law that's the problem...

Jasmine:
Father...?

Sultan:
Well, am I Sultan or am I Sultan? From this day forth, the princess shall marry whoever she deems worthy.

Jasmine:
Him! I choose- I choose you, Aladdin.

Aladdin:
Heh. Call me "Al."

[first lines]

Narrator:
Ahh! Salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend. Please, please, come closer. [camera hits him in the face] Too close! A little too close. [camera backs up] There. Welcome to Agrabah, city of mystery, of enchantment. And the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan on sale today! Come on down! Look at this! Yes! Heh, heh. Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes julienne fries. Will not break! [taps it on table] Will not... [it falls apart] It broke! [holding up a box] Ooh! Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. [he lifts the lid of the box a little and blows a clandestine raspberry] Ah, still good.

Jafar:
You are late.

Gazeem:
A thousand apologies, Oh Patient One.

Jafar:
Trust me, my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you.

Iago:
What's coming to you. Awk!

[Prince Achmed comes storming in from the palace gardens after being rejected by Princess Jasmine]

Achmed:
I've never been so insulted!

Sultan:
Oh, Prince Achmed, you're, you're not... leaving so soon, are you?

Achmed:
[walks away, pants at the butt area are ripped off, revealing spotted underwear] Good luck marrying her off!

Aladdin:
[saving Jasmine from an irate merchant] Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her. [to Jasmine] I've been looking all over for you!

Jasmine:
[whispering] What are you doing?

Aladdin:
[whispering] Just play along.

Farouk:
You, uh, know this girl?

Aladdin:
Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy.

Farouk:
She said she knew the sultan!

Aladdin:
[gesturing to Abu] She thinks the monkey is the sultan.

Jasmine:
[bowing to Abu] O wise Sultan, how may I serve you?

[Abu mutters gibberish]

Aladdin:
Tragic, isn't it? But, no harm done. Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor.

Jasmine:
[to a camel] Oh, hello, Doctor. How are you?

Aladdin:
[through his teeth] No, no, no, not that one... Come on, Sultan.

Aladdin:
[hanging from the entrance of the Cave of Wonders] Help me out!

Jafar:
Throw me the lamp!

Aladdin:
I can't hold on! Give me your hand!

Jafar:
First give me the lamp!

[Aladdin does so]

Jafar:
[laughs triumphantly] Yes! At last!

[he grabs Aladdin's wrist]

Aladdin:
What are you doing?

Jafar:
Giving you your reward, your eternal reward!

[he pulls out a dagger and is about to stab Aladdin; Abu bites his arm, forcing him to drop the dagger; Jafar then throws Aladdin and Abu back down the Cave, after the entrance to the Cave of Wonders is sealed, Jafar, thinking that he has the lamp, laughs]

Jafar:
It's mine. [removes his disguise] It's all mine! [looks into his robe] I-- [takes a closer look] Where is it? [pats down his empty robe] No! [falls to his knees] NO!!!

Aladdin:
Abu, this is no time to panic! [gasps and sees a cliff] Start panicking!

Aladdin:
Genie, you're free! [using his third wish to free Genie from the lamp]

Jasmine:
Oh, Father! Rajah was just playing with him. Weren't you, Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you?

Jasmine:
Then maybe I don't wanna be a princess any more!

Jasmine:
Oh, sure. People who tell you where to go and how to dress?

Jasmine:
When I am queen, I will have the power to get rid of you!

Jasmine:
How dare you! All of you! Standing around deciding my future?! I am not a prize to be won!

Jasmine:
Him! I choose- I choose you, Aladdin.

Iago:
I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get ahold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this! I'm so ticked off that I'm molting!

Genie:
All right, you baaaaad boy, but no more freebies.

Jafar:
[having learned from the Cave of Wonders] Yes. Only one may enter. I must find this one. This Diamond in the Rough.

Jafar:
[after Aladdin has returned] YOU! How many times do I have to kill you, boy?!

Prince Achmed:
You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you!

Narrator/Merchant:
Ahh! Salaam and good evening to you, worthy friend. Please, please, come closer. [camera hits him in the face] Too close! A little too close. [camera backs up] There. Welcome to Agrabah.

Narrator/Merchant:
[holding up an oil lamp] Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life; a young man who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits... with a dark purpose.

Farouk:
She said she knew the sultan!

Gazeem:
A thousand apologies, Oh Patient One.

JASMINE

IA'M NOT A PRIZE TO BE WON