Archie Bunker's Place

Harry Snowden:
Can Murray's wife have kids?

Archie Bunker:
I don't know. I ain't her groinacologist.

Archie Bunker:
-Speaking about how prejudices have changed over the years- I bet she come out of it pretty good.

Ellen Canby:
No... -Stands up and looks at Stephanie- When I was your age, I saw my brother beaten to death by four men, 'cause our car broke down on the "white" side of town.

Estelle Harris:
What can he do for her now? He's a totally uneducated man!

Judge Sean McGuire:
Mrs. Harris, my father was an ignorant laborer and he drank too much and I became a judge. I raised two daughters. One is an attorney and the other dropped out of high school and is handing out flowers at the airport. We all do the best we can. And I'm sure Mr. Bunker will do OK!

[the first time back in his bedroom since Edith's death - Archie finds Edith's slipper]

Archie Bunker:
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be the first one to go. I always used to kid you about going first. You know I never meant none of that. That morning when you was laying there, I was shaking you and yelling at you to go down and fix my breakfast. I didn't know. You had no right to leave me like that!

[he picks up the slipper]

Archie Bunker:
Without giving me just one more chance to say I love you...

[Archie sits on the bed holding Edith's slipper]

Archie Bunker:
It wasn't supposed to be like this you know. I was supposed to be the first one to go. I know I always used to kid ya. About you going first. You know I never meant none of that. And that morning when you was laying there I was shakin' ya and yelling at ya to go down and fix my breakfast. I didn't know. You had no right to leave me that way without giving me just one more chance to say I love you!

[He starts crying and Stephanie enters the room slowly. Archie looks at her]

Archie Bunker:
She was the one who was supposed to stay down here with you, ya know. Not me 'cause I ain't no good at none of this.

Archie Bunker:
I used to watch Perry Mason on the TV all the time before he wound up in a wheel chair and got pushed around by the colored guy.

Judge Anthony Barzini:
To what do you object, Mr. Bunker?

Archie Bunker:
Well, Judge, after all, you know, there's a Marquetti sitting over there and a Barzini up on the bench. In the interest of, what-do-you-call, fairness there, don't you think this case is a little bit, not to make a bad joke, Wop resided?

Gary Rabinowitz:
Prison. The man's going from small claims court to prison.

Judge Anthony Barzini:
Very well, I find poor Mr. Bunker in the amount of $428. And I have never rendered a decision with greater regret. Will you please get the hell out of here?

Gary Rabinowitz:
Mr. Bunker, what am I going to do with you?

Judge Anthony Barzini:
You could ask him to shut up.

Gary Rabinowitz:
Good idea, your honor.

[to Archie]

Gary Rabinowitz:
Shut up.

Archie Bunker:
I don't ever regret nothing.

Archie Bunker:
Barney is my best friend. He'll never let me down.

[Later, to Barney]

Archie Bunker:
I knew you'd let me down.

Barney Hefner:
Incidently, how big is my tab?

Harry Snowden:
$572.33.

Barney Hefner:
Excellent. Apply five... Nah, you better make that four dollars toward it.

Archie Bunker:
A whole army of Jap engineers couldn't fix that set.

Archie Bunker:
Have you ever heard of the law firm Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz, Rabinowitz & Chan?

Marty Marquetti:
Yeah. Your lawyers and their cook.

Mr. VanRensselaer:
[after Barney Hefner drops Archie's new TV set] I hope that was the sound of Harry dropping a beer glass.

Harry Snowden:
Harry was nowhere near it.

Archie Bunker:
That was the sound of Barney murdering my new TV. But stay tuned, because the next sound you're gonna hear is me murdering Barney!

Archie Bunker:
No intense offended there, but you know, your voice don't, uh, insfire the same amount of trust there, as the dame that comes on after you, you know, the one that advertises the spray for assisting the feminine hyjinks.

Archie Bunker:
[about Barney's paycheck] God, we can't take no four dollars out of a pathetic check like that. That's your weekly pay? That's terrible. Geez, your boss must be an awful theif there. That's the same as I give my illegals out in the kitchen.

Marty Marquetti:
[to Gary Rabinowitz] Hey I know you. You're the schlub who bought the clock radio. This is Rabinowitz?

Archie Bunker:
Yeah.

Marty Marquetti:
Should've brought Chan.

Archie Bunker:
We look like a couple of fat Chinks.

Archie Bunker:
[Participating in a Jewish prayer; looks skyward] Hold the lightning bolt there, Lord, I'm just doing this for the kid.

Edith Bunker:
Oy vey!