Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City

Anna Madrigal:
Welcome to my little bordello.

[Mona opens Michael's door to find him in bed with Jon]

Mona Ramsay:
Hi, I'm Nancy Drew. You must be the Hardy Boys.

Mona Ramsay:
Coke?

Mary Ann Singleton:
No thanks, I'm on a diet. Do you have any Fresca?

Mrs. Madrigal:
Good. You're one of us then. Welcome to 28 Barbary Lane.

Mary Ann Singleton:
Thank you.

Mrs. Madrigal:
Yes, you should.

Mary Ann Singleton:
Do you have any objection to pets?

Mrs. Madrigal:
Dear, I have no objection to anything.

Mona Ramsay:
Mouse. Jesus. I figured you got kidnapped by the CIA.

Michael:
Long time, huh?

Mona Ramsay:
Three months.

Michael:
Yeah, that's about my average.

Mona Ramsay:
Oh, you got the shaft?

Michael:
Well, we parted amiably enough. He was terribly civilized about it and I sat in Lafayette Park and cried all morning. Yeah, I got the shaft.

Mrs. Madrigal:
He's a sweet boy, Mona. I approve of him wholeheartedly.

Mona Ramsay:
You make it sound like we're married or something.

Mrs. Madrigal:
There are all kinds of marriages, dear.

Mona Ramsay:
I don't think you understand the trip with me and Michael.

Mrs. Madrigal:
Mona, lots of things are more binding than sex. They last longer too.

Mary Ann Singleton:
So, what do you do for fun?

Connie Bradshaw:
You name it.

Mary Ann Singleton:
I'd rather not.

[first lines]

Mary Ann's Mother:
Hellooo?

Mary Ann Singleton:
Mom, It's me.

Mary Ann's Mother:
What's the matter did you miss your plane?

Mary Ann Singleton:
No. I didn't

Mary Ann's Mother:
You know darling we were just talking about you...

Mary Ann Singleton:
Would you call Mr. Lassiter and say I won't be in on Monday?

Michael:
[answering phone] The boring residence of Miss Mary Ann Singleton

Mary Ann Singleton:
[grabbing receiver] MICHAEL!

Mary Ann's Mother:
Mary Ann?

Mary Ann Singleton:
oh... Hi Mom. [takes phone into bedroom]

Mary Ann's Mother:
Oh my God. We haven't heard from you in weeks.

Mary Ann Singleton:
Sorry. It's been hectic.

Mary Ann's Mother:
Who was that man?

Mary Ann Singleton:
Who? Oh. Michael. Heeeee's...

Mary Ann's Mother:
What's his last name?

Mary Ann Singleton:
What?

Mary Ann's Mother:
His last name Mary Ann. Don't you KNOW his last name? Oh my God... I saw something like this on "McMillan and Wife" just last week and...

Mary Ann Singleton:
[walking out of bedroom holding receiver aloft for Mona and Michael to hear] What difference does it make what his last name is?

Mary Ann's Mother:
You know darling, your father and I were talking and we thought you deserved a chance to try your wings. But we can't just let you throw your life away.

Mary Ann Singleton:
It's my life to throw Mom.

Mary Ann's Mother:
No it's not. Not when you apparently don't have the maturity to...

Mary Ann Singleton:
Well how would you know?

Mary Ann's Mother:
Mary Ann, a strange man answered the phone.

Mary Ann Singleton:
He's not a strange man Mom. He's a homosexual [mouthing "shhhhhhh" to Mona and Michael as Mona makes devil's antennae over Michael's head]

Mary Ann's Mother:
WHAT?

Mary Ann Singleton:
I know you've heard of them. They have them on TV now!

Mona Ramsay:
Michael, I think D'orothea has a drug problem.

Michael:
What makes you think that?

Mona Ramsay:
Yesterday I was in her study on the phone calling information trying to get her parents phone number and home address in Oakland when I found a horde of these totally unidentifiable capsules in her desk drawer while I was looking for a pen to write down her parents address. And later when I asked her about the pills, she started acting really... jumpy.

Michael:
Has she been acting jumpy otherwise?

Mona Ramsay:
Well... no, not exactly.

Michael:
Then it's probably nothing. Relax.

Mona Ramsay:
I can't. I'm saving my last Quaalude for Christmas Eve.

[Mary Ann and Connie are at a disco]

Connie Bradshaw:
The trick is to look bored with it all.

Mary Ann Singleton:
That shouldn't be hard. I thought if we were going out, we'd go to Chinatown for some dim sum or...

Connie Bradshaw:
Hon, if you wanna get laid, I wouldn't make Chinatown your first stop.

Mary Ann Singleton:
I didn't say anything about getting laid.

Connie Bradshaw:
You don't have to for Christ's sake. Look, if you can't deal with your sexuality, you're gonna get screwed for good in this town.

Mary Ann Singleton:
[sarcastic] Oh, I like that. You make it sound like a country-western song.

Connie Bradshaw:
Come on, and try not looking like Tricia Nixon reviewing the troops.

Anna Madrigal:
Help yourself to a joint and don't bother passing it around. I hate that soggy communal business. If you're going to be degenerate, you might as well be a lady about it.