Around the World in 80 Days

Around the World in 80 Days

The 2004 version of Around the World in 80 Days is an entertaining hodge-podge of adventure, comedy, and scenery from across the globe. Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan, 24 Hour Party People), an obsessively precise inventor, bets that he can circumnavigate the planet in 80 days--considered impossible in the Victorian era. In this version, Jackie Chan plays a Chinese peasant who retrieves a stolen idol from the Bank of England, then convinces Fogg to hire him as a French valet so that Chan can get back to his village. Chan supplies numerous spectacular fights against the forces trying to stop Fogg or get the idol, while Coogan is both funny and a surprisingly appealing romantic lead (he flirts with a fetching French painter who joins them). The various episodes--featuring cameos by Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Cleese, Owen Wilson, and Sammo Hung--are uneven, but a goofy good cheer prevails. --Bret Fetzer

Director(s): Frank Coraci
Production: Buena Vista Pictures
  2 wins & 2 nominations.
 
IMDB:
5.8
Metacritic:
49
Rotten Tomatoes:
31%
PG (Parental Guidance Suggested)
Year:
2004
120
Website
1,969 Views

Colonel Kitchener:
Sir, I have an urgent announcement for you. Here.

Lord Kelvin:
Well, don't just stand there, man, read it.

Kitchener:
[opens a sheet of paper and reads from it] It is...with great...distress...that Scotland Yard announces...that the Bank of England...has been robbed.

[cut to Lord Kelvin's office]

Lord Kelvin:
MY STOLEN JADE BUDDHA, STOLEN! YOU BLIGHTER! YOU GAVE ME EVERY ASSURANCE THAT THE BANK OF ENGLAND WAS IMPENETRABLE!

Kitchener:
Sir, sir, I said "impregnable"–

Lord Kelvin:
IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!

Kitchener:
PLEASE, NOT THE QUILLS!

[Kelvin starts attacking Kitchener with quills]

Lord Kelvin:
LORD SALISBURY! Please contact General Fang and inform her: "No Buddha, no deal."

General Fang:
[appearing in the door] To forego your obligation would be dishonourable, Lord Kelvin.

Lord Salisbury:
A woman? In the Royal Academy?

General Fang:
The Jade Buddha was successfully delivered by us to the Bank of England. What happens while it's in British hands-

Lord Kelvin:
Is absolutely YOUR CONCERN! Colonel Kitchener, Chief of Scotland Yard, please inform General Fang what other items were stolen from the Bank of England.

Kitchener:
Nothing else.

Lord Kelvin:
[walks up to Fang] Exactly. Seems your little land dispute has spilled over onto our noble shore. Until the Jade Buddha's back in my possession, you and your cause will receive no British military assistance whatsoever. Kitchener?

General Fang:
[as she walks away] My agents will retrieve the Jade Buddha once again, Lord Kelvin. This time, do not let it slip through your fingers.

[Kelvin gets angry and throws a quill at Fang, who catches it in a fan before throwing it back into a painting]

Phileas Fogg:
Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.

Lord Kelvin:
Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!

[Everyone laughs]

Phileas Fogg:
By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.

Lord Kelvin:
We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".

Colonel Kitchener:
[marches into the room] Confound it! The bloody Bank of England is a madhouse!

Scientist #1:
[whispers in Passepartout's ear] Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.

[The whisper passes on]

Scientist #2:
Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.

[Passepartout whispers again.]

Lord Rhodes:
Uh, no, actually, they say he was Norwegian.

[Passepartout whispers again.]

Scientist #3:
In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.

Scientist #4:
Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.

[Everyone laughs, especially Passepartout]

Phileas Fogg:
Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank.

[Everyone gasps in anger.]

Phileas Fogg:
Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!

Lord Kelvin:
As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.

Phileas Fogg:
You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.

Lord Kelvin:
Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.

Phileas Fogg:
[gets out his pocket watch] Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

[Passepartout thinks for a moment]

Lord Salisbury:
If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!

[Everyone laughs, even Colonel Kitchener.]

Phileas Fogg:
Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.

[Passepartout whispers in a scientist's ear, who passes it on, until it reaches Lord Kelvin.]

Lord Kelvin:
Outstanding idea.

[Passepartout smiles.]

Lord Kelvin:
Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.

Phileas Fogg:
I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs. [Turns to go]

Lord Kelvin:
You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.

Phileas Fogg:
[stops and wheels round] It CAN! I can do it.

Lord Kelvin:
A wager. £10,000!

Phileas Fogg:
Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.

Lord Kelvin:
I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.

Phileas Fogg:
There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy.

[Chattering begins]

Phileas Fogg:
With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.

[Everyone begins laughing]

Lord Kelvin:
Fair enough.

Lord Salisbury:
What?

Lord Kelvin:
I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again.

[Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say]

Lord Kelvin:
Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver... oh, nothing!

[More laughter]

Phileas Fogg:
[quietly] I'll take your wager.

[The room goes quiet]

Lord Kelvin:
What did you say?

Phileas Fogg:
I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!

[Chattering again]

Lord Kelvin:
Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!

Phileas Fogg:
[roller-skates up to Kelvin] History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science...

[Big Ben strikes noon]

Phileas Fogg:
...by the strike of noon...

[Passepartout smiles]

Phileas Fogg:
...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!

Inspector Fix:
Out of me way! I used to be somebody important!

Lord Kelvin:
Should've thrown him through a higher window. [walks down to Fix and two more officers] Get rid of this buffoon!

Fix:
[fed up] Buffoon, eh? Is that the thanks I get for GOING HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD TO STOP FOGG FOR YOU, EH?!!

[everyone gasps after hearing this]

Monique La Roche:
He also sent an evil Chinese warlord to kill Phileas Fogg!

Fix:
That's right! He did!

[Everyone gasps again]

Kelvin:
LIES! ALL OF IT!

[everyone scoffs at this]

Kelvin:
Kitchener!

Colonel Kitchener:
Yes?

Kelvin:
TELL THEM!

Kitchener:
Uh, well...the thing of it is–

Kelvin:
You mumbling moron! Salisbury, please translate Kitchener's incoherent blather.

Lord Salisbury:
I...he...I... Yes, yes.

Kelvin:
Rhodes!

Lord Rhodes:
Uh, the thing of it is, I don't want to make a fuss about it...

Kelvin:
YOU SPINELESS CRETINS!!

[Kightener, Salisbury and Rhodes are finally fed up with Kelvin's bullying nature]

Kitchener:
[steps forward] That man stuck me with quills! BUNCHES OF THEM!!

Salisbury:
YES! Lord Kelvin's a bully!

Rhodes:
It's true! I hate to admit it, but I'm a battered Lord.

[Everyone gasps again]

Kelvin:
[scoffs] Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you halfwits is going to stop me?! You?! You?! You?!

Young girl:
The Queen!

Kelvin:
The Queen? [laughs] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated, old cow!

[Queen Victoria shows up behind him, looking unamused.]

Kelvin:
The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat, royal bottom! [laughs again, then looks nervous] She's behind me, isn't she? [turns around and bows] Your Majesty, I have just apprehended the culprits who robbed the Bank of England.

Monique La Roche:
[outraged] No, majesty, no!

Inspector Fix:
[outraged] Rubbish!

[Everyone starts protesting.]

Queen Victoria:
QUIET!

[Everyone stops.]

Queen Victoria:
I love being able to do that. So, Lord Kelvin: unsportsmanlike conduct, attempted murder...trading my arsenal for Buddhas.

Kelvin:
How did you know about that?

[The Queen looks up and winks. One of Kelvin's aides, revealed to have snitched on him about his deal with General Fang, winks back and waves.]

Queen Victoria:
Admit it – you've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?

[Everyone nods while Kelvin shakes his head in fear.]

Kelvin:
Your Majesty, I assure you there is an explanation for all of this. What it was...I was...I was simply...

[runs away]

Queen Victoria:
[scoffs] Why do they always run? Arrest him!

[Kelvin runs into several Scotland Yard officers, who place him in a police wagon.]

Kelvin:
Get out of my way, you fools! UNHAND ME! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'll kill you!! I'LL HAVE YOU FOR THIS, FOGG!!!

[The wagon drives away]


Share your thoughts on Around the World in 80 Days's quotes with the community:

0 Comments

    Quote of the Day Today's Quote | Archive

    Would you like us to send you a FREE inspiring quote delivered to your inbox daily?

    Please enter your email address:

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this movie page to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "Around the World in 80 Days Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 5 Oct. 2022. <https://www.quotes.net/movies/around_the_world_in_80_days_quotes_532>.

    Know another quote from Around the World in 80 Days?

    Don't let people miss on a great quote from the "Around the World in 80 Days" movie - add it here!

    Around the World in 80 Days

    Soundtrack

    »

    Browse Quotes.net

    Quiz

    Are you a quotes master?

    »
    What TV series is this quote from: "How you doin'?"
    • A. Friends
    • B. South Park
    • C. Family Guy
    • D. The Simpsons