Art School Confidential

Nympho:
[to Jerome] I just want you to know I *definitely* don't have AIDS. I mean, I've been tested like 40 times so I know for a fact.

Professor Sandiford:
Now I don't have any particular wisdom to impart to you people, except to say this, these four words - don't have unrealistic expectations. If you want to make money, better drop out right now, go to banking school, or website school - anywhere but art school. And remember, only 1 out of 100 of you will ever make a living as an artist.

Bardo:
I'm a living clich? just like the rest of these guys. I'm the guy who keeps dropping out and changing his major just because he's afraid he really sucks at everything.

Bardo:
[holding up clay pipe] This is ready for the kiln.

Young Jerome:
[dressed as Pablo Picasso] I am a genius. I am the greatest artist of the twentieth century. I pretty much invented modern art, and I do weird abstract paintings even though I could paint totally realistic if I wanted to. Also, even though I am super short and bald, I am able to have sex with any beautiful woman I want just because I'm so great.

Vince:
I've gotta cream soma kinda love story into this thing man. Skanks, make up fifty per cent of the audience

Vince:
Man, if she were my girlfriend, I'd be pounding that night and day.

Professor Sandiford:
Now, everyone don't be so hard on Jerome. He is attempting to achieve the impossible. He is trying to sing in his own voice using someone else's vocal cords.

Professor Sandiford:
Now Eno, why haven't you been doing the assignments?

Eno:
Frankly, I find them constricting and largely irrelevant. My work has nothing to with form or light or color, but with questioning the nature of aesthetic experience.

Professor Sandiford:
I'll buy that.

Eno:
It has the singularity of outsider art,though the conscious rejection of spatial dynamics could only come from an intimacy with the conventions of picture-making.

Jerome:
Are you kidding me?

Eno:
The history of art is largely about the implementation of masculinity.That is such bullshit.Part of some Darwinian imperative. Most artists become artists because they have no way to attract a mate. I hardly think I'm the first to point out that the vast preponderance of artists are, shall we say physiologically deficient in some way.

Bardo:
Why are you such an a**hole?

Marvin Bushmiller:
Now that's a great question. No, really. It really is. I am an a**hole because... that is my true nature. Maybe it's everybody's true nature. Every single one of you looks like a f***in' a**hole to me, but... who knows? The difference between you and me is that I have gained the freedom to express my true nature. And what could be more beautiful than truth and freedom?

Jimmy:
Jerome, are you exceptionally skilled as a cocksucker? It wasn't a rhetorical question. Are you a great artist when it comes to fellatio?

Jimmy:
[to Jerome] So... Who do you like?

Jimmy:
[Jerome is confused by the question, so Jimmy rephrases it] Who's your favorite artist, Jerome?

Jerome:
[Uncomfortable pause] Maybe, Picasso?

Jimmy:
I see... Very good... Our old friend "Pig-Ass-Hole," the nasty little dwarf who went his whole life without a single original thought... I presume you're joking, right?

Bardo:
[Jerome is too uncomfortable to speak, but Bardo nonchalantly chimes in] Jimmy's a Strathmore grad.

Jimmy:
Just look at me now!... Just think, Jerome, some day all this could be yours. You're going places, young man. I can feel it. But you really need to take some lessons in sucking cock and licking ass. Otherwise you might find yourself rotting away in some sh*t-hole, postponing suicide for the slim chance that you might one day, possibly, see some glorious plague or pestilence bring horrible suffering to your hateful species.

Jimmy:
[Jerome and Bardo look at each other in shocked silence, then let out uncomfortable snickers] What are you smiling about?

Jimmy:
[Jerome only shrugs, an uncomfortable grin etched on his face] Laugh away, laughing boy! I will stomp on your guts till they shoot out your ass! I will bury you alive and sh*t on your grave!

Audrey:
[Introducing herself to Jerome while at Shiloh's photo exhibit] Oh, hi. I'm Audrey, by the way.

Bardo:
[Butting in] So is that your real name, or are you just obsessed with Audrey Hepburn like every other art school chick?

Audrey:
[Unperturbed, holding up her necklace pendant] Actually, I was named after an old cartoon.

Bardo:
Oh, wow! Another ironic pop-culture reference. She's a keeper! [Goes off to help himself to more free refreshments]

Broadway Bob D'Annunzio:
I know you're a genius, but I'm a genius too.

Marvin Bushmiller:
Shut up. Look. There's really only one question any of you want to ask: you want to know what it would take to turn you into me. Well, listen closely, 'cause I'm gonna give you the answer. In order to be a great artist, you simply have to *be* a great artist. There's nothing to learn. So... you're all wasting your time. Go home.

Bardo:
The only trouble with that is: all those beatnik chicks are totally insane. Look. What you really want is a nice, innocent, suburban girl. Some freshman chick who hasn't been corrupted yet.