Arthur Christmas

Bryony:
When you put the address into the Ho-Ho what did you see?

Arthur:
[Realising they are in Mexico after seeing a poster saying "El Burrito de Mexico" and seeing everything written in Spanish] I Saw a list of Trelews, I Just clicked on the first one!

Bryony:
Which was not Trelew, England! We're in the Wrong Trelew!

Steve:
This is Germany, Father. They drive on the right. National dish: sausage.

Steve:
Okay, lets show them people, 'Operation Santa Claus is coming to town!'

North Pole Computer:
[Before the Closing credits roll] And may One Hundred Percent of your Christmases be White!

Arthur:
[Dressed up as an Alien speaking to the owner of the tractor dealership in Idaho] We come in peace! Our craft has to travel around the world in less than one hour! We need a part for our craft! I could pay you but where I come from, we don't have money!

Grandsanta:
[At the tractor dealership in Idaho, Arthur is trying to remove a golden reindeer from the 'Leaping Deer Autos' sign] Bash it with a brick, Arthur! Go on!

Arthur:
[Struggling to remove the reindeer on top of the roof] It just won't...

Bryony:
It may just be a wrapping operative, sir, but this contravenes specific mission regulations!

Grandsanta:
I'm in charge here, not Billy the Bureaucratic!

Arthur:
[Almost removing the reindeer] It's Stuck!

Grandsanta:
[to Bryony] Elf! Wrap your head!

Grandsanta:
[to Arthur] Come on, Lad, you're as much use as a cheese chopstick!

Arthur:
Got it! Oh NO! [Gasps]

Grandsanta:
Oh my big old Betty, It will have to do, Pass it down!

Bryony:
[whimpering] There isn't enough room to breathe! I've got nine seconds left before I black out!

Grandsanta:
One Breath

Bryony:
[Seeing the lights in the tractor dealership owner's house switch on] Sir!

Grandsanta:
[to Bryony] Just One Breath! [to Arthur] Hurry Up Arthur!

Arthur:
But don't we need a whole one to balance the sleigh!

Grandsanta:
Oh it won't balance the sleigh! If anything it will only slow us down

Arthur:
So why are we taking it?

Grandsanta:
It's for Gwen! Eight beautiful reindeer! That is what she is dreaming of, The Jingly bells, the sleigh on the roof...

Grandsanta:
[to Bryony] What now?

Bryony:
[She whimpers through the wrapping and opens it] We have a waker, Sir!

Arthur:
[the sleigh is flying across Toronto, it traverses across a curved building and people inside see it] They can see us!

Grandsanta:
Well, pull the camouflage lever!

Grandsanta:
[Arthur pulls the wrong lever and the sleigh transforms into something that looks like a steam locomotive] Not that one, that's a steam train!

Steve:
[Steve gets a phone call on his Ho-Ho, it wakes him up] Hello? What Elf?

Peter:
Bryony, the crazy wrapping elf! Security tagged her to I.T and we think Arthur was there!

Steve:
Arthur?

Peter:
Who else leaves the door open?

Steve:
The old sleigh barn? That was sealed up decades ago. After that terrible night, Grandsanta sneaked out and... Thank goodness he is too old these days to get into trouble

Santa:
[in front of the enraptured elves who start cheering] MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Tonight we delivered Two Billion presents, on this my 70th Mission!

[Steve taps the microphone to make sure it is working]

Santa:
Oh Thank you! Didn't I just think that sometimes I could not possibly do it all without you! And my splendid Margaret,

[Camera points to Margaret]

Santa:
who stood by me for all these years, being very able doing all that stuff that women do while their husbands are at work, and Arthur doing all that vital work in Maintenance!

Arthur:
I work in letters, dad!

Santa:
Oh! Letters, Of course, I'm so so sorry!

Arthur:
You moved me when I melted down that elf plug!

Santa:
Yes! Now! Many years ago, my Father told me [Camera points to Grandsanta, He grunts and snores] that being Santa is the best job in the world! He was right! I Loved It! I can't wait for year 71!

Santa:
[the elves start cheering] Merry Christmas Everyone!

Arthur:
[after seeing that the Gift 47785BXK for Gwen Hines was Undelivered] A Child has been missed!

Steve:
Not Necessarily!

Arthur:
[the Digital L.E.D display above the mainframe computer in Mission Control that displays the number of presents lights up and shows 0000000001 in red] A Child has been missed!

Steve:
Do you really want to wake up the whole north pole?

Arthur:
Good Idea!

[Yelling]

Arthur:
A CHILD HAS BEEN MISSED!

Steve:
ARTHUR!

Santa:
[Overhearing the commotion in mission control, opens the doors and walks onto the main concourse] Is everything alright?

Steve:
There has been a glitch!

Arthur:
[Showing Santa the missing present] A Glitch? We have missed a child!

Santa:
Really? Oh dear! Oh Dear! That is awful, How did you let it happen, Steve?

Steve:
How did I...? I thought it was your mission!

Santa:
This is your department!

Arthur:
What are we going to do?

Santa:
We must... um... What must we do, Steve?

Steve:
There is nothing to do! The mission was successful!

Arthur:
But we cannot leave a child out of Christmas?

Steve:
[Checking out details on the computer of the destination and the time of sunrise] Sunrise at destination is 7:39 AM! There is no way to get there on time, except, of course for the S-1!

Santa:
The S-1? Right then, let's do it!

Steve:
No! That is not a good idea! The S-1 has already traveled some Seven Million miles! We could damage it!

Santa:
Oh Dear!

Steve:
Not only that, but we could also risk the lives of the elves

Santa:
Oh Deary me!

Arthur:
[Opening a Christmas cracker, having Christmas dinner with the family round at the dinner table at the North Pole's Residential Quarters] What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?... Tinselitis! [laughs hysterically]

Arthur:
Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?

Mrs. Santa:
It certainly is, Arthur! The whole family together!

Mrs. Santa:
[to Santa] How about a toast, Malcolm?

Santa:
Oh... mmm... , Well, here's to me, to an even better job next year! [Everybody cheers]

Arthur:
You're already the perfect dad!

Grandsanta:
Hah! That turkey did more than him! [Starts laughing and looses his false teeth, they land in gravy]

Santa:
You wouldn't understand, Father! I've rather moved things on since your day, Hey Steve?

Grandsanta:
[Gets his false teeth back and continues eating his meal] Forget Techno Tommy, he's texting on his calculator after every job [laughs]

Steve:
[Clearing out his inbox on his HO-HO] It's a Hand-held Operational and Homing Organizer, The HO-HO 3000!

Grandsanta:
Whooooh! Whoopy-doo! Aren't you the Fancy Nancy! Doesn't matter what you come up with, Son, you maybe be the next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you 'Knock Him Off'

Arthur:
Hummm! I've got you all a present! After all the hard work, I wanted everyone to have some 'Christmas Fun'

Arthur:
[Shows everyone the Game, 'Christmas, The Board Game] Ta-Daah!

Bryony:
[Gwen has just received her present, Arthur is now Santa and Bryony speaks over the public address system in Mission Control at the North Pole, using a HO-HO, It is visible on the big screen] Drop complete! And we have our new Santa! [Arthur peeps out the window]

North Pole Computer:
[the L.E.D. Display above the Mainframe in Mission Control switches to green and shows 0000000000] Christmas Accomplished!

Mrs. Santa:
[Back up on the S-1! Learning that Arthur is now Santa having successfully delivered Gwen's present] Arthur! [pulls levers in S-1]

North Pole Computer:
[the Elves start cheering over Arthur, We wish you a Merry Christmas plays over the music system in Mission Control] Commence Decking Halls! Congratulations Arthur!

Peter:
Do you know what I've always liked about Arthur? I think he likes espresso?

Steve:
[Steve gets back onto the S-1 after having a fight with Spanish Pedro in Trelew, Mexico over the bicycle] OK! OK! I'm not very good with children! Does that make me a Bad Santa?

Steve:
[Faces Santa and keys in 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew into the S-1's GPS to see it it would come up with a list] You're hardly Perfect! Let me Guess! You put in the address, saw a List of Trelews, and just clicked on the First one? Just like Arthur?

Santa:
[Looks at Steve] Am I?

S-1 Computer:
[the Phone on the S-1's Bridge rings] North Pole Incoming!

Elf:
[Steve, Santa & Mrs Santa look at the S-1's Videophone and see Arthur cycling across Trelew, England getting to Gwen's on her Twinkle Bike] Sir! The Soldiers have just shot the sleigh! But look! It's Arthur! He's still going!

Santa:
Arthur?

Arthur:
[In Cayo Confites, Cuba, Arthur picks up Gwen's letter that almost got burnt because Bryony accidentally put it in a fire at the beach and realizes the picture is of Santa] This Picture, This Drawing! It isn't of Dad, or You, or Steve! This is Santa! Ha-Ha! And as long as we can get the bike to Gwen before dawn, then Santa CAME! AND HE CARES! Ha-Ha!

Arthur:
[the Reindeer picks up the Slipper, Arthur picks up the bike and starts singing and dancing] Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to reach Gwen Hines on Christmas Day, Wha-Hey! [the Boat on the island has been taken away by Arthur and he has written a message in the sand where it used to sit saying "SORRY I BORROWED THIS]

Arthur:
[the next scene where Arthur is rowing Grandsanta & Bryony across the Atlantic Ocean, 3000 miles to Trelew, England] Jingle Bells! This Boat Smells! Three Thousand miles to go!

Grandsanta:
[Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony are in the middle of the Atlantic] I've seen this before! Sleigh fever they call it! The Pressure of Christmas sends a man doo-lellied-tap! Santa Claus XVI of 1802! Every child that year got a sausage nailed to a piece of bark!

Bryony:
[Arthur labours to row the boat across the ocean, he makes the boat jerk and soaks Bryony & Grandsanta with the oars] Arthur! Do you really think you can row the Atlantic Ocean in the next

Bryony:
[Calculates the time on her HO-HO] Thirty-seven minutes?

Arthur:
[Continues labouring to row across the Atlantic Ocean] It's not too late yet! We just have to keep going!

Grandsanta:
We need a blunt Instrument, knock him out and then regroup

Bryony:
[Bryony's HO-HO claims that they are going round in circles] You do know that we are going round in circles?

Grandsanta:
Do you know? We are not the only ones! Maybe I will see Evie again!

Arthur:
What do you mean?

Grandsanta:
Reindeer are brave, powerful beasts, but they are also dappled creatures with twigs on their heads! They will just keep going in straight lines right around the world. They will be way up in the sky, flying at unimaginable speeds, but they'll pass right over our heads!

Arthur:
Great! We CAN get the sleigh back!

Arthur:
[Using the flashlights on his Christmas slippers to read the letter from Gwen after discovering that the missed present was the bike for Gwen Hines] It just can't be, It can't be, just can't be, it j-j-j-just CAN'T BE!

Grandsanta:
[Overhearing the commotion] What is all this fuss about, Young man?

Arthur:
Grandsanta, It is this little girl, She has been missed!

Grandsanta:
Ha-Ha! So much for your brother's fancy-pants technology!

Arthur:
Back there, Steven's dad but that's impossible!

Grandsanta:
Is it now? Missed a child? Dear, Oh Dear, it sends shivers up and down my shin

Arthur:
In two hours, she is going to wake up, tear downstairs, search under the tree and... The look on her face! When she finds that there is nothing there, she won't understand! She will think that she is the only one kid in the whole world that Santa does not care about! She will feel so left out! [Fixes the picture in his room and switches on the fairy lights in his room] On Christmas night, HE COMES! Gwen cannot fail to have a present from Santa!

Grandsanta:
Do you know Arthur? There IS a way!

Arthur:
It's impossible!

Grandsanta:
They used to say that it was impossible to teach women to read! Follow me!

Arthur:
Why are we taking this reindeer? It isn't a real one! It's a fake!

Grandsanta:
It is for Gwen! Eight beautiful reindeer! Isn't that what she is dreaming of? The jingly bells, The Sleigh on the roof! Not some kind of spaceship! We are supposed to be giving her the star treatment! [to Bryony] What is the matter now?

Bryony:
[the owner of Leaping Dear Autos investigates what is going on] We have a waker, Sir!

Grandsanta:
[Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony have just left Idaho with the fake reindeer attached to the sleigh, they are halfway across the Atlantic Ocean] Christmas 1923, I had a heart attack at the reigns. Left ventricle popped out my mouth, pushed it back down and carried on.

Arthur:
[looks over the ledge of the sleigh and sees nothing but water all around] Big isn't it? The Atlantic! Do you think we should stop and ask someone?

Grandsanta:
Fishy nibbles, come on, we are nearly there!

[points to a slow moving streak of light]

Grandsanta:
You see, I take the north star, there, a fixed point, and I plot my bearings...

Bryony:
That's a plane, Sir!

Grandsanta:
It's a Co-ordination, Elf, I'll have you harpooned!

Arthur:
[looks down and sees something that looks like an island disappearing under rising sea levels] I thought it would be chillier here in England?

Grandsanta:
Globular Warming. [Sees land ahead and starts heading for it] Hah! There it is! Told you!

Arthur:
[They land in Tanzania, Africa] Wow! England?

[a huge beetle crawls over Arthur]

Arthur:
Yyaaarrggh!

Grandsanta:
Maybe we pullled to the right a bit since we're a reindeer short. France! Bonjour! Ou est la Boulangerie?

Arthur:
[Hears an Elephant] They have elephants in France?

Grandsanta:
The odd stray, they breed in the drains. Come this way, everyone!

[They look around and realize they landed up in some animal sanctuary]

Grandsanta:
Paris zoo?

Bryony:
[Lions get agitated and start roaring] This must be where they keep the lions!

[Lions and other animals start marching towards everyone]

Santa:
[trying to operate the S-1 himself, denting it and jolting it violently, Flashing red lights flash all over the S-1's bridge] OK! 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew

Mrs. Santa:
[Reading the manual] Reading up! There is no harm in using the manual

Santa:
[Agitated, pressing buttons, levers and knobs all over the bridge causing the S-1 to rock and sway violently] Margaret! I Order you to DISEMBARK! It's not safe!

Mrs. Santa:
[Trying to calm Santa] I did a microlight flying course on the internet! It can't be that different!

Santa:
[Steve appears at the doors to the bridge] Oh! Steve!

Steve:
[Santa accidentally leans on a lever and the S-1 jolts more violently] You've DENTED IT! You've taken it out without asking!

Mrs. Santa:
[stabilizes the S-1] Malcolm, you told me he knew! You know how Steve feels about his S-1

Santa:
[presses more buttons and levers causing it to rock and sway even more violently] It's MY S-1! S for Santa, I'm flying to this child!

Steve:
Of course, she is all that matters, not me! Your SON! Not the Two Billion things I didn't write tonight! NOOOoooo!

Santa:
This is about the pool table isn't it! I told you that you should have written to me!

Steve:
[shouting] I was eight years old! You're my dad!

Mrs. Santa:
[shouting] For Goodness sake!

Mrs. Santa:
[slams her cup down on the controls] Arthur & Grandsanta are out there probably not wearing nearly enough layers of clothing and you two are bickering over a big red toy!

Santa:
I'm... I'm not bickering! If Steven should just Stand back! [Activates the airbag]

S-1 Computer:
[Airbag inflates] Airbag!

Santa:
You drive, Steven? Thank you!

Steve:
[puts on his S-1 gloves, fires up in the S-1] So! Since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems to matter, I'll do it all myself, and we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they've ended up in.

S-1 Computer:
[Steve pulls the main lever on the S-1 to go at full throttle] Maximum Velocity!

Steve:
Hold on Tight!

Santa:
Margaret! Hand me my 'Me' Suit! All sorted! Steve is holding the fort, While I deliver the present! And find Arthur and Father!

Mrs. Santa:
[Hands Santa his red & white suit, he puts it on] Well done, dear! Trelew is on course for 187.7 degrees from the geographic pole [hands Santa his boots] As it is the 'old sleigh' we should allow drift margin for one thousand miles outside the Greenwich meridian! I've got a sweater for Arthur, your Father's pills and some sweet tea!

Santa:
[Puts on his boots] Okay! Let's do it!

Santa:
[Santa drops from the S-1 and lands on a roof] Ho-Ho-Ho!

Arthur:
[Passing through the operational area after the quarrel at the dinner table that broke out during the session of Christmas, The Board Game] Steve! Steve! Don't be upset! You Keep this so you can be Santa next time!

Arthur:
[Steve takes the Silver model from the game and holds it] That will be you next, Steve! Next year I bet! You will be a great Santa!

Steve:
[looks at Arthur then looks down the hall to find that Arthur kept all the doors open] How many times, Arthur? It's the North Pole! Shut the doors, For Goodness Sake!

Gwen:
Mummy, Daddy! Look! It's the bike! Santa brought me the bike I wanted!

Bryony:
[Arthur, Grandsanta & Bryony have come down from the atmosphere and are gliding towards England] They're waiting for us! We were on the News!

Grandsanta:
Older technology against my 'Evie'

Arthur:
I know what! Let's do it with worry!

Grandsanta:
Santa mustn't be seen, hey lads! Let's give them military soldiers something to shoot at! [Grandsanta reaches out and presses a bright red button and the sleigh transforms into a flying saucer look-alike]

Grandsanta:
[the people at the military base gasp in awe, the sleigh has transformed into a flying saucer and has an alien symbol on it] Take us to your leader!

Grandsanta:
You were right, Arthur! It doesn't matter how Santa's gift gets there! It doesn't matter if it is Mr Postman in his Spaceship!

Arthur:
Just as long as it gets there!

Grandsanta:
You made it happen, Lad! No-one got left out!

Arthur:
There is a Child without a present!

Steve:
Arthur! Christmas is not a time for emotion!

Santa:
[Santa, Mrs Santa & Steve have arrived in Trelew on the S-1] Trelew! Out with the Old, In with the New!

Mrs. Santa:
[Holding Santa's Hand] Well Done, Dear!

Santa:
[Back on the Bridge of the S-1 as Steve has gone to give Gwen what we believe to be another version of the bike] Poor Arthur! He tried so hard! He slumped again!

Mrs. Santa:
Off course not, Dear! We are here! The little girl will get her present! I think he has done rather Splendidly!

Santa:
[Exclaiming] My Margaret!

Steve:
[Rings the doorbell, the door opens and a child that looks just like Gwen appears] Good morning Gwen! Ho Ho Ho etc. Apologies for the minor delay, I am sure that even a child can understand that in a operation as complex as Christmas there is always a slightly insignificant margin of error, which is you! As a gesture, I have upgraded you to the

Steve:
[Reveals the big purple hi-tech bicycle]

Steve:
Glamour Fast Ultra X3, which retails at $9.99 more than your requested gift! Bigger and Better! You wouldn't mind just signing a legal waver?

Pedro:
[the child appears to be a boy] No bien el se?or! Soy Pedro!

Steve:
What? P-Pedro? A Boy? A Spanish Boy? This is an error! No Hablo Espanol!

Steve:
[Snatches the bike off Pedro]

Steve:
[Pedro and Steve start fighting, Pedro starts weeping and wailing in a tantrum, Mr & Mrs Santa back up on the S-1's bridge can see the commotion on the S-1's Steve-cam] Look! Will you...? No! No! No! Please don't cry! Please don't cry! No crying! No sobbing!

Gwen:
[Gwen's letter to Santa] Dear Santa! Are you real? If you live at the North pole, how come I can't see your house when I look on Google Earth? Are you Saint Nicholas? Because you would be very old! How do you have time to read all the letters from all the children in the world? How many cookies and mince pies have you eaten in all of history? How do you get all the presents in the sack? Does your sack have to get bigger every year because of Exponential Population Growth? And, How do you get down the chimneys? I put my head in mine and it is really small! Even if you could just squeeze down it in just one minute, there are also nine other houses on my block so that would make it about ten minutes and there are millions of roads in the world! It must be so hard being Santa these days. What if after all that, I am staying at my Grandma's? Santa! How can you get round the whole world in just one night? My friends say that you would have to go so fast that it would make you and the sleigh and the reindeers all burn up! For Christmas, I would LOVE a Pink Twinkle Bike complete with stabilizers. But please do not bring it if it makes you and the reindeers burn. Love Gwen Hines, 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew, Cornwall, England.

Arthur:
[Arthur hangs up the Picture Gwen drew of Santa and replies] Dear Gwen. Thank you for your Letter and What a Brilliant Picture! Your request for a Pink Twinkle Bike will be passed onto Santa. Yes! Do believe in Santa. He is real! He is the greatest man ever! And he can get around the world to every child without a single reindeer getting roasted ali... hurt. I assure you, by the time the sun rises on Christmas Morning, he will surely get to you using his special magic.

[the Glitter pen that Arthur used to write 'Magic' dissolves into a starry night and the main opening credits roll]