Assy McGee

Bus Robber #2:
I need a doctor! I'm hurt real bad!

Assy McGee:
[Assy shoots him in the knee] Mmmm. Now you need two doctors.

Assy Mcgee:
The last time somebody told me to stay away..... I didn't.

Assy Mcgee:
Well, what have we got, Chief?

Cheif:
What do we got? We had 1 dead girl. Now we got 5 cops dead, and a freakin' forensics expert.

Sanchez:
I mean, female hookers, they get killed all the time. It's practically part of what they do.

Mayor:
So, you been to that Korean hand job place yet?

Chief:
No.

Mayor:
You haven't?

Chief:
Yeah, I got to get over there.

Mayor:
Oh, my god, Greg, run, don't walk.

Chief:
Yeah.

Mayor:
Me and the wife love it. Mm, mm, mm. You gotta keep it fresh.

Mayor:
Some people read the bible, and some people put a donkey mask on.

Chief:
Yes, they do.

Mayor:
So listen, Greg, I can't have this hooker murder mucking up this year's festival. I mean, we've got the parade, right?

Chief:
Mayor, I don't want that either.

Mayor:
Yeah. You got to nip this in the bud, Greg.

Chief:
Right, sure.

Mayor:
I mean, who goes out and kills a hooker on the eve of America's treasured celebration?

Chief:
Well, we're trying to figure that out.

Mayor:
Sometimes I feel like flushing this whole rotten city down the toilet. Hmm? That'd be one big toilet. We need to wrap up this case tonight, Greg.

Chief:
We don't have a suspect, sir.

Mayor:
Well, arrest someone, right?

Chief:
Right.

Mayor:
There you go. Now you go run and get me an arrest, huh?

Chief:
Arrest someone. Right.

Mayor:
All right.

Chief:
Thanks. F*ck you, Mayor. Damn it, Assy.

[Assy calls Sanchez on phone]

Sanchez:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
Sanchez?

Sanchez:
Yeah?

Assy McGee:
Meet me at the Hall of Record in 20 minutes.

Sanchez:
It's 4 in the morning.

Assy McGee:
I got a hunch about this dead hooker.

Sanchez's Wife:
Who is it?

Sanchez:
No one, honey. Go back to bed.

Sanchez:
I'll meet you there in 5 minutes.

Assy McGee:
5...I said 20.

Sanchez:
Ok, 20 minutes, fine.

Assy McGee:
Yeah, that means you're gonna be waiting there for 15 minutes.

Sanchez:
Right, 4:20, I'll see you there.

Assy McGee:
All right.

[Assy calls Sanchez again]

Sanchez:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
I'm running late. Make it 25. You haven't left yet?

Sanchez:
I'm just leaving now.

Assy McGee:
All right.

[Assy calls Sanchez again the 3rd time]

Sanchez:
Assy, what it is now?

Assy McGee:
Hey.

Sanchez:
Yeah?

Assy McGee:
Should we just blow this off?

Sanchez:
Assy, if it was important enough for you to call me at 4 in the morning--

Assy McGee:
I know, I know. But you know what, I've been up all night.

Sanchez:
I'll meet you over there.

Assy McGee:
You're a good cop, Sanchez [farts]

Sanchez:
Thanks, Assy.

Assy McGee:
We need to get into the database, Charlie.

Charlie:
I'm sorry, Assy, I can't do that. You know you're officially suspended.

Assy McGee:
Well, maybe this will help.

[Assy pulls out 2 dog show tickets]

Charlie:
I'm sorry, Assy, I don't think so.

Assy McGee:
Don't like the dog show, huh?

Charlie:
Thank you, no.

Assy McGee:
How about this? [shoots Charlie in the leg]

Charlie:
Ow, my leg! Oh, ho, ho!

Sanchez:
Assy.

[Assy calls a different John Adams on phone]

John Adams:
Hello?

Assy McGee:
Is John Adams there?

John Adams:
Yeah, speaking.

Assy McGee:
How does it feel to kill a hooker, John?

John Adams:
What?

Assy McGee:
I said, how does it feel to kill a hooker?

John Adams:
It's 4 in the morning. Who is this?

Assy McGee:
Did you kill a hooker?

John Adams:
No.

Assy McGee:
Oh.

[Massage Lady shows a picture of John Adams in the 1700s]

Assy McGee:
Hmm, that's John Adams. We gotta get to the parade.

Sanchez:
Assy, I don't think that this is the guy.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, don't think, just run.

Assy McGee:
Well, well, well. If it isn't everyone's favorite whore killer, John Adams.

Fake John Adams:
Uh..I..

Assy McGee:
I've got 1 bullet, and it's got your e-mail address on it.

Fake John Adams:
I..I..

Assy McGee:
Don't make me hit send.

[Assy shoots fake John Adams]

Assy McGee:
Looks like your inbox just got some new mail.

Fake John Adams:
I'm just an actor.

Assy McGee:
Can you play dead?

Chief:
How did you know that guy was wanted in 28 states?

Assy McGee:
I had a hunch, Chief.

Chief:
Well, your hunches are gonna get me fired, McGee.

Assy McGee:
My hunches make you look good, heh heh.

Assy McGee:
There was no offsides. He's a crooked ref.

Chief:
What the hell is going on, Assy? You don't look right.

Assy McGee:
It pains me to think about my childhood.

Chief:
What the hell are you talking about?

Assy McGee:
I'm Cuban, Chief. My family, we came here on rafts.

Chief:
What a bunch of horsesh*t.

Assy McGee:
In cuba, there are only two ways out for a child terrorist or soccer player. Soccer was my only way out.

Chief:
Listen, Assy --

Assy McGee:
Or music.

Chief:
Fine.

Assy McGee:
Chess was also a way out.

Chief:
I get it.

Assy McGee:
We weren't even escaping. Just relaxing at the beach. Got caught in a riptide.

Chief:
Enough! Now, knock off the shenanigans and stop this assassination. Do I make myself clear?!

Assy McGee:
...As a cowbell, sir.

Paco:
[speaking Spanish unintelligible]

Assy McGee:
Shut this guy up, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
Give me a break, Assy. He's our guest.

Assy McGee:
Hey, Paco, how about next time you wear some deodorant?

Hooker:
Come here often?

Assy McGee:
No. Glen, cold one for the slut with the sloppy cans.

Assy McGee:
I'm scared [indistinct]

Father:
I'm sorry. I didn't get that. What?

Assy McGee:
Father, I'm scared to die.

Father:
Did you want to make a confession?

Assy McGee:
That's a good idea.

Father:
Go right ahead. We can do this right here.

Assy McGee:
I stole wi-fi from my neighbor.

Father:
Uh-huh. Ok.

Assy McGee:
I borrowed my partner's car without asking, Father.

Father:
It's no problem there.

Assy McGee:
Then I drove it into a retirement community and killed a lot of old people.

Father:
Oh, my god, Assy.

Assy McGee:
On purpose.

Father:
Cheese and rice. Why would do that, Assy?

Assy McGee:
Because I can't drive well. I never could.

Sanchez:
Oh, look at that! Streaker on the field! That guy's in his birthday suit.

Assy McGee:
Disgusting. [shoots the guy in a birthday suit]

Assy McGee:
Uh-oh. We got company.

Sanchez:
What? It's a blimp.

Assy McGee:
It's an aerial attack.

[after blowing up the blimp in the stadium]

Chief:
Assy, I want your shield and your weapon on my desk first thing tomorrow morning.

Assy McGee:
Why don't you bring your desk here, and I'll put them on it...I'll put them on it here.

Assy McGee:
Adios...blimp.

Father:
Oh, my goodness. What happened to you?

Referee:
Some whack job shot me. That's what happened to me.

Assy McGee:
Well, there was no offsides, Ref.

Referee:
The doctor says I'll never walk right again.

Assy McGee:
Here's $10.

Referee:
You know what? I'm gonna kick your ass.

Assy McGee:
Not with that leg.

Bus Robber #2:
Where you goin', a**hole?

Assy McGee:
I'm goin'...to shoot you.

Assy McGee:
Hey, Chief, you got a bat in the cave.

Chief:
What?

Assy McGee:
You got a bat in the cave.

Sanchez:
What's a bat in the cave?

Assy McGee:
There's a snot in your nose.

Chief:
Get the f*** out of my office, McGee!

[Assy saws Sanchez's picture of his daughter]

Assy McGee:
Is that your old lady?

Sanchez:
That's my daughter.

Assy McGee:
Right. I recognize the moustache.

Assy McGee:
I swear on your ugly kid, Sanchez. This guy's going to jail or the morgue, whichever comes first.

Assy McGee:
Doctor Assy's making a house call.

Assy McGee:
Shut your taco hole.

Assy McGee:
Ok, I'm gonna count to 3. Then we go in, all right?

Assy McGee:
3--Aah!

Assy McGee:
Look, kid, Chief told me to do this by the book. Trouble is...I'm illiterate!

Art Gallery Tour Guide:
I present to you the late, great, Lamont Dakota's history altering self-portrait, "The Flirty Black Man."

[shows the portrait's gone]

Art Gallery Tour Guide:
What the f***! It's gone! Someone has stolen "The Flirty Black Man!"

Children:
[laughing]

Art Gallery Tour Guide:
There is no longer a reason to live.

[The Art Gallery Tour Guide shoots himself]

Children:
[gasps and screams]

Chief:
You're chained to your desk 'til your urine comes back clean.

Assy McGee:
I got a hot batch right here, Chief.

[literally pees his urine in front of the whole meeting]

Assy McGee:
After you, DeRetardo.

Sanchez:
My daughter could paint better than that. She's 4 years old.

Assy McGee:
Don't make me laugh, Sanchez. She couldn't do this.

Sanchez:
Well, she pretty good at art. She's ambidextrous.

Assy McGee:
Does that mean she has both a pod and a hose?

Sanchez:
That is not what I'm saying.

Assy McGee:
Wow. She could make love with herself. I envy that, Sanchez.

Sanchez:
You sure clean up nice, Assy. You look like you're going to a prom.

Assy McGee:
I can barely breathe in this penguin suit.

Sanchez:
I'm just saying that you look like you're tired.

Assy McGee:
I'm just saying you're fat.

Undercover Person:
It's tough to find good shoe leather.

Assy McGee:
Then you should try the striped belt.

Assy McGee:
$1,400, right here.

Sanchez:
$1,400? That's a lot of money!

Assy McGee:
Pride never goes on sale, Sanchez.

Assy McGee:
I got a lead.

Chief:
Lead? What lead?

Assy McGee:
One of my bullets snipped a paint chip off the perp's van. I gotta tumbleweed this over to forensics.

Chief:
When?

Assy McGee:
Soon as I'm done wasting my ears here.

Chief:
Well, what do you expect me to tell the Mayor?

Assy McGee:
Tell him we need more black cops.

DiLorenzo:
What's he doing in there?

Sanchez:
He's recreating the finger from the print.

DiLorenzo:
How come you're not in there with him?

Sanchez:
Assy works alone on molds.

DiLorenzo:
Whatever. Guy's still a douchebag, huh? [laughs]

Sanchez:
The kid's a diamond.

DiLorenzo:
Yeah, how about a diamond with rough edges, huh? [laughs]

Sanchez:
But isn't that the most valuable kind?

DiLorenzo:
I don't know.

Chief:
Yeah. Then drop your load in a dumper. Well, you can't get her pregnant if you--

Sanchez:
Here it is, Chief! You gotta see what he's done.

Chief:
Who?

Assy McGee:
Me.

Sanchez:
It's totally incredible! He took that fingerprint and reconstructed a full scale model of the portrait theif.

Chief:
McGee, the case was closed 3 days ago. Don't you check your e-mail?

Assy McGee:
E-mail's for nerds.

Chief:
McGee! That's Lamont Dakota, The flirty black man!

Assy McGee:
It was an inside job.

Chief:
Damn it, Assy, No. It was a self-portrait. That's why his fingerprints were on it.

Chief:
That paint chip that you thought was from the van-- It was from the f*cking painting, you idiot!

Assy McGee:
Um, wait. The van killed the painting.

Chief:
Have another drink, McGee.

Assy McGee:
I intend to.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez, did I smoke cologne?

Sanchez:
Yes, you did, Assy.

Assy McGee:
Ooh! That was good.

Sanchez:
Assy, just don't do anything crazy.

Assy McGee:
Crazy's is my maiden name.

Assy McGee:
I'm looking for the Archbishop. Tell me where he is, and all the babies get christened, I promise.

Assy McGee:
Forgive me, Father, for you have sinned.

Assy McGee:
The God I believe in doesn't sell cologne that doubles as a drug.

Archbishop:
What are you going to do McGee, shoot an Archbishop? I don't think so.

Assy McGee:
No, but this baby will.

Chief:
I got to ask you, Assy, why the baby?

Assy McGee:
I thought it would be funny to see a baby shoot an Archbishop.

Assy McGee:
How is he?

Doctor:
Who?

Assy McGee:
Sanchez.

Doctor:
Oh, he's terrible.

Assy McGee:
Dying?

Doctor:
Totally. [laughs]

Assy McGee:
How long has he got?

Doctor:
4 or 5 minutes. Finally got him to shut up.

Assy McGee:
Wh--What do you mean?

Doctor:
Oh, he's going on and on about Mexicans. I was this close to putting a pillow over his face and killing him myself.

Doctor:
Mexicans falling from the sky, Mexicans this, Mexicans that. The guy is totally wasted. I wonder where I put my shoe.

Assy McGee:
[to Sanchez] Heart attack at a kid's birthday party. You p*ssy.

Sanchez:
[dazed out] Mexicans. Falling from the from the sky. They're entering the country illegally in cheesy mexican knickknacks.

Assy McGee:
Sanchez! I got to ask you something. Why would you have a party in your driveway when you have a gorgeous backyard?

DiLorenzo:
Good news. We got an officer in pursuit of Coyote. Bad news, it's McGee.

Assy McGee:
I'd handcuff you, Amigo, but you're mostly liquid.

Assy McGee:
A lot of people say there's one thing wrong with this country, and it's Mexicans and computers.

Assy McGee:
Computers can't sneak into your country, and I know one Mexican you can trust, and he's here tonight. He's a big, fat, p*ssy, and his name's Don Sanchez.

Assy McGee:
If you listen to the words, I think you'll hear the cry of a Mexican. A-one, a-two, a-one, two, hmm... mmf...uhh. [passes out]