Ballykissangel

[last lines]

Uncle Minto:
What have you done? What have you done!

Liam:
What about the school f?te? What are we going to tell Brendan?

Donal:
We're about to poison half of Fitzgerald's; we're making illegal liquor; me house is never going to smell right again; I think the less we say to Brendan the better, you know.

[first lines]

Donal:
You're dropping it all over me.

Liam:
Then you come up here and do the painting, and I'll haul the tin.

[last lines]

Sean Dillon:
They've all been wondering where you were.

Fr. Aidan:
That right? And here's me wondering where I am.

Father MacAnally:
I know that most of you think I didn't like Assumpta. I think, and I regret this, even Assumpta thought I didn't like her. But the truth is, I liked her for the same reason we all do: her door was always open, she made you feel welcome whoever you were. I hope we remember this above all else about her. Niamh, I hope you'll do the same.

Carmel Power:
But, they were fairly close?

Brendan:
Who?

Carmel Power:
Assumpta and the priest.

Brendan:
How d'you mean?

Carmel Power:
Well, you know. Bit of a spark.

Brendan:
In what way?

Carmel Power:
You can talk to me, you know. I'm not one of those kinds of journalist.

Brendan:
Then why are you asking those kind of questions?

Carmel Power:
The curate seemed very touchy.

Father MacAnally:
Well, of course. It was a frightful tragedy for everybody.

Carmel Power:
Of course it was. [pause] I don't know; it seemed an odd reaction. Like they were, well... close. [Father MacAnally starts laughing] I don't see what's funny.

Father MacAnally:
My dear child, if you have time to waste, ask anybody in the town; they'll all give you the same answer: Assumpta Fitzgerald and a Catholic priest. [laughs] There is as much chance of me converting to Judaism. [closes the door behind her] Shalom.

[last lines]

Father Peter Clifford:
What will you say?

Brendan:
I don't know. What would you like me to say?

Father Peter Clifford:
A man's gotta do?

Brendan:
[laughs] Sounds a bit final.

Father Peter Clifford:
And this isn't?

Brendan:
It's whatever you want it to be.

Brendan:
I've a baby's head to wet.

[first lines]

Dr. Michael Ryan:
[to ambulance driver] Just hang on a minute.

[gets out]

Dr. Michael Ryan:
Peter! C'mon. Come on.

[leads Peter to back of ambulance]

Dr. Michael Ryan:
Stay with her.

Ambrose Egan:
Do you know how long I've known Assumpta Fitzgerald? 23 years. We were at the national school together. Brendan Kearney taught us our trigonometric tables. Michael Ryan, who tried to save her life tonight, delivered her. Padraig O'Kelly used to...

Father Peter Clifford:
All right. All right.

Ambrose Egan:
No, no, Father, it's not all right. It's not all right at all. You see, long before you ever set foot in Ballyk, there was enough love for Assumpta Fitzgerald to light up the sky. I know your pain is real, but there is a lot of it out there.

[last lines]

Brendan:
Happy?

Siobhan:
I'm as happy as a turkey on Boxing Day.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
[Peter, Fr. Mac, and Timmy enter the pub] The Three Wise Men?

[first lines]

Fr. Aidan:
I'm sorry I'm late, Father. Butch Considine's broken his leg.

Fr. MacAnally:
Who?

Fr. Aidan:
Our celebrity caller for the bingo tonight.

Fr. MacAnally:
What?

Fr. Aidan:
I don't think I'll be able to get anyone to replace him. I need some guidance; what am I going to do?

Fr. MacAnally:
Not now, Father.

[last lines]

Fr. Aidan:
Perhaps a cup of coffee, Father.

Fr. MacAnally:
Excellent idea, Father. You go on inside. I'll join you in a moment.

Fr. Aidan:
Right.

Sean Dillon:
Tell me about the house.

Niamh Egan:
It's nothing special. It's at the edge of the city near the sea. The main thing is, is there's a garden for Kieran and room for Barney.

Sean Dillon:
How is he?

Niamh Egan:
Hungry. Noisy. Messy.

Sean Dillon:
And Barney?

Niamh Egan:
I meant Barney.

[first lines]

Loudspeaker:
Will all visitors please report to Door Three East Wing. Ensure that you have means of identification ready.

Guard:
Good-bye now, Mr Dooley. It's a pleasure having you.

Paul Dooley:
The pleasure's been all mine.

[last lines]

Ambrose Egan:
What's wrong?

Niamh Egan:
What?

Ambrose Egan:
What's happened?

Niamh Egan:
Nothing. I always cry at weddings; you know me.

[first lines]

Siobhan Mehigan:
You're late for class.

Brendan Kearney:
It's Kathleen. And she's watching us.

Siobhan Mehigan:
Well, it's her evening for cleaning the grotto.

Brendan Kearney:
She's found out.

Siobhan Mehigan:
Not from me.

[last lines]

Brendan:
Oonagh!

Oonagh Dooley:
Brendan. I just wanted to see about getting these two enrolled.

Brendan:
Well, if you go round the school, you can see the headmaster.

Oonagh Dooley:
I already went there, and he told me to come to you.

Brendan:
Ah. Well. Right, come on.

Oonagh Dooley:
Go on. In! They're a bit shy.

Brendan:
Oh, yeah? I'm sure they won't be too long coming out of their shells.

[first lines]

Brendan:
This is the earth, and Robert... Where is Robert?

Robert:
Sir.

Brendan:
Robert. Robert is the sun. I'm going to put the earth into the sun's orbit. Now, question: what'd happen if Robert was to hold the bucket upside down over his head? Peter.

Peter:
It'd fall out.

Brendan:
Correct. But with centrifugal force... watch.

[first lines]

Quigley:
What's this?

Donal:
It's a bunker, Mr. Quigley.

Quigley:
No, Donal, a bunker has sand in it.

Liam:
Ah, we're onto that; but it's a question of cashflow.

Quigley:
Here's fifty pounds. Get five tons of washed sand from the builders' merchants in Kildargen, and fill in this so-called bunker, and I do *not* want to be called out here again.

Liam:
Right you are, Mr. Quigley. [Quigley leaves]

Donal:
Cash up front?

Liam:
This is the easiest fifty pound we ever made.

[last lines]

Fr. Mac:
I hope you don't think that I was, ah, bullying you this morning.

Quigley:
No, not at all.

Fr. Mac:
But you really need to spend more time out of the house.

Quigley:
I know; I realize that. And there are people who rely on me. Caviar.

Fr. Mac:
Caviar. That's very kind of you.

Quigley:
Not at all.

Fr. Mac:
Carpe diem.

Quigley:
Best beluga.

[first lines]

Ambrose Egan:
Are you lost, gentlemen, or planning a heist? [he looks at the ID] Ah, right.

[last lines]

Father Peter Clifford:
Is that what you're looking for, Assumpta?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
No. No, no, I don't know what I'm looking for. Anyway, I'm not likely to find it here. Am I?

Father Peter Clifford:
You can find it anywhere.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Do you believe everything you hear?

Father Peter Clifford:
Why not? I'm a man of faith, aren't I?

[first lines]

Fr. Vincent:
How's it going, Garde?

Frankie:
You in a hurry, Father?

Fr. Vincent:
I'm sorry, was I thrashing it?

Frankie:
Step out of the car, please. [he gets out] Have you been drinking?

Fr. Vincent:
Nothing alcoholic.

Frankie:
You won't mind blowing into this, then.

Fr. Vincent:
It's a terrible thing to doubt the word of a priest.

Frankie:
It's a sin to tell a lie. Blow!

[he blows into the tester]

Frankie:
Oh dear.

Fr MacAnally:
Did it not occur to you to consider *my* position before you bought a public house?

Fr. Vincent:
Your position?

Fr MacAnally:
You're my curate!

Fr. Vincent:
You'll always be welcome, Father.

[last lines]

Paul Dooley:
I thought you could do with a coat of paint; you know, keep out the damp.

Fr. Vincent:
What did I do to, uh...

Paul Dooley:
Well, a good landlord looks after his tenants, Father.

Fr. Vincent:
Does he?

Paul Dooley:
This one does. Look, I heard the bank were on your case, so I bought the house. I came into a bit of money. I've set up a trust fund so any problems, you know...

Fr. Vincent:
Right.

Paul Dooley:
No, that's a lie. There is no trust fund. But wouldn't you prefer the human face?

Fr. Vincent:
You're a class act, Paul.

Paul Dooley:
Ah. We'll talk about the rent later. Enjoy. All right, lads.

[last lines]

Sister:
[about the chess game] I thought I'd leave that till you'd seen it.

Father Peter Clifford:
Thanks.

Sister:
Who was winning?

Father Peter Clifford:
He was. But he resigned.

Sister:
So you won.

Father Peter Clifford:
It was more of a draw.

Sister:
Never mind, Father; he left you a consolation prize. He asked me to give you these. [hands him keys] He said something about you going places.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
For God's sake! The clergy is one thing. He wants me to put up three of them.

Father Peter Clifford:
I know, and one of them runs a diocese. Assumpta, you're blowing this all out of proportion; it's just one night. It's such a little thing.

Siobhan:
As the publican said to the bishop.

[last lines]

Father Macanally:
Not my cup of tea.

Father Peter Clifford:
No.

Father Macanally:
They make a strong pair though; I'll say that for them. Could be just what she needs. Is he a religious man, do you know?

Father Peter Clifford:
No, I don't, Father.

Father Macanally:
Hmm, musician. I don't suppose so. Still, we can hope, can't we?

[last lines]

Brendan:
[seeing Father MacAnally on the bridge] He's looking for you.

Fr. Vincent:
I heard.

Brendan:
He's not too happy about the wedding.

Fr. Vincent:
He's lucky I didn't marry her myself.

[they both laugh]

Brendan:
Did I hear right, Vincent? Father Mac went to see Consuela Dunphy.

Fr. Vincent:
You did, Brendan.

Brendan:
See her off, did he?

Fr. Vincent:
No contest.

Barry:
I haven't seen this man since he saved my life.

Fr. Vincent:
Talked him out of the priesthood.

Barry:
That's a mate. That's a mate!

[first lines]

TV Announcer:
Faith healer Consuela Dunphy has returned after thirty years and starts her tour of Wicklow tomorrow, watched with interest by her critics who argue against her claims. Miss Dunphy, for her part, refuses to engage in any debate.

Doc Ryan:
Well, there's a surprise!

Paul Dooley:
You afraid of the competition, Doctor?

Brendan:
Uh, when was the last time you cured anyone?

Fr. Vincent:
Hey, just know that I can.

Frankie:
You talk the talk, Father; she walks the walk.

Doc Ryan:
Well, I think it stinks. These people are a menace.

Fr. Vincent:
Steady on, Doc. That's me you're talking about.

Doc Ryan:
What?

Fr. Vincent:
I visit the sick in hospital; I pray that they'll get better.

Paul Dooley:
Yeah, but I think the difference is, Father, when she does it... people expect something to happen.

Brian Quigley:
Don't explode, count to ten, let me explain.

Niamh Egan:
One - ten!

[first lines]

[Eamon's car is being tailgated by the bus]

Father Peter Clifford:
Very good of you to give me a lift, Eamon, but I don't want to put you out.

Eamon:
No bother, Father. Sure you'd have been waiting all day for the bus.

[Father Clifford looks back at the bus]

Eamon:
So, how was your holiday?

Father Peter Clifford:
Well, it wasn't so much of a holiday, more of a refresher course. It's great to be back home all the same.

[last lines]

Ambrose Egan:
Come on, we've already offered Father Clifford the spare room.

Niamh Egan:
What can I do?

Father Peter Clifford:
Good night, guys. Good night, Brian.

Brian Quigley:
Night, Father.

Niamh Egan:
Father, would you object to the couch?

Father Peter Clifford:
I'll be fine. You go on.

Niamh Egan:
I'm sorry.

[last lines]

Siobhan:
Brendan. The tests were negative.

[Brendan hugs her]

Siobhan:
Brendan.

Brendan:
What?

Siobhan:
I can't breathe.

Brendan:
Oh, sorry. [he releases her] Sorry.

Siobhan:
[pause] What?

Brendan:
Do you fancy a well-pulled pint?

Fr Vincent:
Guard Sullivan.

Frankie:
Yes, Father Sheahan!

Fr Vincent:
Take it easy. Life should be fun.

Frankie:
Where's that written? The Book of Job?

[first lines]

Donal:
That time o' year again.

Liam:
Yeah.

Edso:
What time?

Donal:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Liam:
Nah. Father Mac always scuppers it.

Edso:
Eight ninety. Scuppers what?

Donal:
Father Mac isn't in charge of the fete this year. Father Sheahan is.

[first lines]

Brian Quigley:
Ah, boys, boys, boys.

Liam:
You wanted to see us, Mister Quigley?

Brian Quigley:
Indeed I did. I've just had an idea, or should I say - a vision.

Liam:
Want us to call the police? Heh-heh.

Brian Quigley:
Not that kind of vision. Artistic vision. We start tomorrow, first thing.

Donal:
Start what exactly?

Brian Quigley:
Ballykissangel: the Movie.

[last lines]

Father Peter Clifford:
Enda, I didn't get to thank you properly. Are you coming in?

Enda Sullivan:
Uh, um, no, they're waiting for me.

Father Peter Clifford:
Well, thanks for everything. I owe you one. [Enda leaves] *You* missed something great.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
You reckon?

[first lines]

Emma Dillon:
You did feed him, didn't you?

Sean Dillon:
Yeah.

Emma Dillon:
Did he eat much?

Sean Dillon:
Good bit.

Emma Dillon:
He hasn't touched it.

Sean Dillon:
Well, maybe he's not hungry.

Emma Dillon:
Hmm, I wonder why.

Sean Dillon:
Emma, don't start.

Emma Dillon:
Dad, he's not my horse; he's Danny's. Give him back.

[last lines]

Eamon:
You must be starving. Would you like a bit o' grub?

Danny Byrne:
You know, I wouldn't mind at all. Sound as a pound.

Eamon:
Sound as a pound.

[first lines]

Fr. Aidan:
May the Lord be in your heart and in your soul.

[last lines]

Ambrose Egan:
Where were you?

Niamh Egan:
Cilldargan.

Ambrose Egan:
All this time.

Niamh Egan:
I was shopping.

Ambrose Egan:
Yes, I can see that, but the shops closed hours ago, didn't they?

Niamh Egan:
Don't treat me like one of your suspects.

Ambrose Egan:
Is that the way it is?

Niamh Egan:
I was out for the day, all right? I don't need an interrogation about who I met or what I did.

Ambrose Egan:
So who did you meet?

Niamh Egan:
I met no one.

[Ambrose looks very doubtful]

Niamh Egan:
No one at all, Ambrose, all right?

Niamh Quigley:
All of a sudden, Ambrose, you make my father look mature!

Walter Dargan:
The thing is there's a public relations problem here.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Well, let him drink bottled. I still have that.

Walter Dargan:
For us, not for him. If it ever got out that an Irish Pub stopped taking draught... So I have a proposition for you. We'll give you the stuff.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
What!

Walter Dargan:
Only until the tourist season starts; after that it's back to normal, OK?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Huh. Can I get you something?

Walter Dargan:
Yeah, get us a Bud.

[last lines]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Another coffee?

Father Peter Clifford:
Why not?

[first lines]

Niamh Quigley:
You out of your mind? I mean what are you having, a mid-life crisis!

Brian Quigley:
What are you talking about?

Niamh Quigley:
That's what it looks like to me.

Brian Quigley:
Oh, because I'm seeing an old friend?

Niamh Quigley:
An old girlfriend!

Brian Quigley:
So it's an old girlfriend, so what?

Niamh Quigley:
You haven't seen her in twenty years.

Brian Quigley:
Twenty-five. So what's your problem?

Father Peter Clifford:
Assumpta, uh, would you do me a sandwich?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
What colour?

Father Peter Clifford:
...Fresh.

[first lines]

Bus Driver:
BallyK coming up.

[last lines]

Father Peter Clifford:
Still, whoever the father is, I tell you he's got a daughter to be proud of.

Father MacAnally:
Without question. Ah, must get along.

Father Peter Clifford:
How's the heart?

Father MacAnally:
Beating, Father, beating.

Liam:
It's not like Quigley to just up and go.

Donal:
You don't think he's topped himself?

Liam:
Quigley? Not in a million years.

Donal:
You're right. Not if his life depended on it.

[first lines]

Fr. Aidan:
Before he was given up to death, the death he freely accepted, he took bread and gave you thanks, He broke the bread and gave it to his disciples, and said: "Take this, all of you, and eat it; this is my body which will be given up for you."

Fr. Aidan:
When supper was ended, he took the cup. Again he gave you thanks and praise; he gave the cup to his disciples, and said: "Take this, all of you, and drink from it; this is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all men so that sins may be forgiven. Do this in memory of me."

[last lines]

Niamh:
This spot right here, this is the place I love most in the world: the river, the bridge, the village. But if being with you means I have to move away, I'll do that.

[she and Sean kiss]

Niamh:
I want a new life too.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
You know Quigley. He is a scheming...

Father Peter Clifford:
Assumpta, will you stop it. You make him sound like Don Corleone.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Well, he is. *Without* the morals.

[first lines]

Niamh Quigley:
He's on his way.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
On his way! On his way from where?

Niamh Quigley:
On his way from home.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Well, where's home?

Niamh Quigley:
How do I know? It just says plumber.

[last lines]

Father Peter Clifford:
What about you?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Huh?

Father Peter Clifford:
You said *they* all wanted me to stay. What about you?

[last lines]

Kathleen:
Oh, Niamh, it's lovely. It's a miracle, Father, so it is.

Father Macanally:
The Lord provides, Kathleen. And we hope will continue to do so.

[first lines]

Siobhan:
There now. All done.

Eamonn:
So, what happens now?

Siobhan:
We should have the results in a couple of days.

Eamonn:
You seem to be taking this awful serious.

Siobhan:
Ah, it's probably nothing. Just wanted to be sure.

Eamonn:
Be straight with me, Siobhan. Am I going to lose them?

[first lines]

Liam:
Donal, reason gets us nowhere. I mean, how often have we asked politely? I've had it with him. There's only one language these people understand, the language of the old country.

Donal:
This is the old country

Liam:
Yeah, but if we were Sicilian...

[last lines]

Fr. Vincent:
Good evening, everyone. My name is Vincent. I'm an alcoholic.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Are we happy?

Leo:
You want to talk. Big mistake.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Why?

Leo:
Because if it's OK, you don't need to ask questions; if it's not, you don't want to hear the answers.

[first lines]

Father MacAnally:
Father Clifford. [Peter gets up] I sometimes wonder, Father Clifford, if your sole reason for coming to this parish was to undermine the influence of the Church. Look at you. Turning your own sacristy into a lodging house.

Father Peter Clifford:
With respect, I haven't had a lot of choice.

Father MacAnally:
Respect! What would you know about respect? What about the respect due to your position as my curate?

Father Peter Clifford:
Brian Quigley has repossessed my house.

Father MacAnally:
You should have found somewhere else to stay! Look, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I will not allow this state of affairs to continue. You will rent some place, or you will book yourself into a B&B. Either way you will cease to draw attention to yourself in this childish manner, understood?

Father Peter Clifford:
God's sake!

Father MacAnally:
Don't raise your voice to me!

Father Peter Clifford:
Look, it's me who's trying to do a job in impossible conditions, and it's me who has the right to complain, 'cause it's your responsibility to find me some place to live, Father MacAnally. My problem; your responsibility!

Father MacAnally:
Don't you dare take that tone with me! Who do you think you are! How dare you speak to me like... [chokes]

Father Peter Clifford:
Father?

[first lines]

Donal:
Liam!

Liam:
You never know.

Brian Quigley:
You think there's gold there, do you?

Liam:
Ah, there was a gold rush here in the last century.

Brian Quigley:
That right?

Liam:
Mm-hmm.

Brian Quigley:
Your wages are in the river, then.

Donal:
There was, too.

Brian Quigley:
Listen to me, both of you. If that fellow panned every river in the county for the next hundred years, he wouldn't find enough gold to make a tooth.

[last lines]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Got your claim back then.

Enda Sullivan:
Yup.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Enda, you could prospect in this river for the next hundred years, and you wouldn't find enough gold to make a tooth.

Enda Sullivan:
I think I have. [holds up a nugget]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Let it grow.

[Enda throws the nugget back into the river]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Do you feel better for that?

Enda Sullivan:
Not really.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Thanks for last night. You were good.

Enda Sullivan:
If I had a pound for every time a woman said that to me...

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Yeah, yeah yeah.

Enda Sullivan:
Do, uh, do you do breakfast?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
I don't give it away.

Enda Sullivan:
That's the challenge then.

[first lines]

Tom:
Owen! Owen!

Owen:
Yeah?

Tom:
Bring us in the one-inch chisel, will ya!

[last lines]

Brendan Kearney:
Have you got everything?

Padraig Kelly:
Uh-huh.

Brendan Kearney:
You all right?

Padraig Kelly:
Got to be twenty years since I took a holiday, Brendan; did you know that?

Brendan Kearney:
Didn't you always close the place for two weeks in the autumn?

Padraig Kelly:
Two weeks sitting in a pub in Cildargen staring out at the sun is not exactly a holiday, especially not for your family. Fionnuala and Kevin put up with a lot, especially the boy. I've got a lot of amends to make.

Brendan Kearney:
How do you feel about that?

Padraig Kelly:
Optimistic.

[last lines]

Fr MacAnally:
Father Sheahan.

Fr. Vincent:
Uh, I wanted to...

Fr MacAnally:
Apologize?

Fr. Vincent:
What for?

Fr MacAnally:
I wouldn't know where to begin, Father. But if you were going to, I would need to sit down. Are you all right for tonight?

Fr. Vincent:
Hmh?

Fr MacAnally:
Somewhere to stay?

Fr. Vincent:
Oh, oh God yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm staying up at...

Fr MacAnally:
I don't want to hear it.

Paul Dooley:
Hi, Father.

Siobhan:
What I'm telling you is your dog is stoned.

Louis:
Pluto's is... she's what!

Siobhan:
Wasted. Couldn't see through a ladder.

Louis:
What?

Siobhan:
I think she's being chewing on a... on a cannabis plant, but I'll know as soon as the plant is analysed.

Louis:
Pluto! Oh, will she be all right?

Siobhan:
Well, she might develop a taste for Jefferson Airplane, but apart from that she'll be fine.

Oonagh Dooley:
We could be pariahs. Well, what're you thinking!

Grainne Dooley:
What's a pariah?

Dermot Dooley:
American singer Pariah Carey.

[first lines]

Fr MacAnally:
[walking into the house] Did I or did I not forbid you to marry those people?

Fr. Vincent:
Come in.

Fr MacAnally:
Don't get smart with me.

Fr. Vincent:
I'm a curate, Father, not an altar boy.

Fr MacAnally:
You defied a direct order from your parish priest.

Fr. Vincent:
No. No, I didn't.

Fr MacAnally:
Your friend is divorced!

Fr. Vincent:
I know.

Fr MacAnally:
Of course you know! That's why I refused you permission in the first place!

Fr. Vincent:
You said I couldn't use St. Joseph's. I didn't.

Fr MacAnally:
You knew what I meant!

Fr. Vincent:
I took you at your word.

Fr MacAnally:
You're impertinent, insolent, brash and disobedient.

Fr. Vincent:
Yes. And you are...

Fr MacAnally:
Well, come on, get on with it.

Fr. Vincent:
Cranky. Grumpy. Cantankerous. And quarrelsome.

Fr MacAnally:
I see. All the things you are. Only older.

[first lines]

Father MacAnally:
Grand idea. Wonder I never thought of it before.

Father Peter Clifford:
But I don't need a housekeeper. I can manage perfectly well.

Father MacAnally:
Nonsense, she'll be a godsend. A fine sensible woman around the place to keep an eye on things.

Father Peter Clifford:
Kathleen's already convinced I'm a rabid communist; her cousin'll think I'm a devil-worshipper.

Father MacAnally:
Kathleen's cousin is a respectable widow and she comes highly recommended. Don't let superficial impressions cloud your judgement.

[last lines]

Brian Quigley:
[to Father Clifford] Women! Maybe we're better off without them, Father, eh.

[first lines]

Brendan:
I'm telling you. I looked back, and it had vanished

Siobhan:
The fish?

Brendan:
The fish, the bag, everything.

[last lines]

Oonagh Dooley:
That calls for a toast.

Brendan:
To the memory of Finbar Corcoran.

Paul Dooley:
Aye. May he definitely rest in peace.

Brendan:
Finbar Corcoran

Fr. Vincent, Liam, Donal, Siobhan:
Finbar Corcoran

Louis:
Hear.

[first lines]

Padraig:
Would you look at that? [goes back into the pub to get Niamh]

Padraig:
You have to see this. Look at that.

[they watch a tethered balloon with a banner including Quigley's picture being launched]

Brendan:
I think he has an inflated idea of himself.

Padraig:
That would not be anything new.

Siobhan:
Just so long as he remembers: what goes up must come down.

Father MacAnally:
Brian Quigley never misses a trick.

Kathleen:
What is he up to now?

Father MacAnally:
We'll know soon enough.

[last lines]

Brian Quigley:
[looking at his banner on the balloon] Well, you're still floating. Stay there.

[first lines]

Paul Dooley:
[waking up to see a goat by his bed] What!

[Oonagh and Grainne laugh]

Paul Dooley:
Come here. [he hugs Grainne] Happy birthday, love. Do you like it?

Grainne Dooley:
I love him.

Paul Dooley:
What's it called?

Grainne Dooley:
Daddy G.

Paul Dooley:
Daddy... G?

Oonagh Dooley:
G for goat. I have no problem.

[last lines]

Edso:
What?

Avril:
Those puppy-dog eyes is what.

Edso:
What?

Avril:
You know what!

Edso:
No big deal?

Avril:
No. Thanks for today

[first lines]

Grainne:
OK, let's do it.

Roy Quinn:
I don't think you should.

Grainne:
Do it!

[last lines]

Brian Quigley:
[as Gard McMullen prepares to leave Ballykissangel] Right! Mission accomplished; business as usual.

Ambrose Egan:
I hope you're not thinking of using that truck of yours again, Brian.

Brian Quigley:
Come on, Ambrose.

Ambrose Egan:
Oh look, he's forgotten his report about you. Will I take it out to him or will you?

Brian Quigley:
You know, Ambrose, you're wasted here. The inner city wouldn't stand a chance with you in charge.

[first lines]

Brian Quigley:
One day every year the ants all come up out of the ground. Did you ever notice that?

Fr. MacAnally:
No.

Brian Quigley:
Hundreds of them, and always on one particular day.

[last lines]

Uncle Minto:
Morons. Cretins.

Eamon:
[hears something behind an overturned ladder in his yard] Trixie? Trixie!

[moves it to find one of his sheep]

Eamon:
Aloysius, will ye get away out of that!

[first lines]

Brian Quigley:
The house?

Cathal:
The bank's already got it.

Brian Quigley:
Well then, there's the newspaper, the Cildargen Democrat.

Cathal:
Bank's already got that.

Brian Quigley:
That so?

Cathal:
Stop floundering, Brian. You don't even own the car.

Brian Quigley:
So what's to be done?

Cathal:
Sell the land.

Brian Quigley:
No! A man's nothing without land.

Cathal:
Listen to me, Brian. You're heading for bankruptcy. And if you go bankrupt, you're finished forever.

Brian Quigley:
Don't you believe it, boy. I'm far from finished yet.

[last lines]

Niamh Egan:
It's Assumpta. She's got married.

[first lines]

Uncle Minto:
Well, today's the day.

Paul Dooley:
It is?

Uncle Minto:
Ay. Good luck to you.

Liam:
That's right.

Donal:
Yeah.

Liam, Donal:
Good luck.

Paul Dooley:
Thanks.

[last lines]

Fr. Aidan:
Do you fancy a drink?

Frankie Sullivan:
No, thanks.

Fr. Aidan:
You're not afraid to go in there, are you?

Frankie Sullivan:
Not at all.

Fr. Aidan:
Right. Good. So it's just me you object to.

[they hear then see a rocket take off]

Fr. Aidan, Frankie Sullivan:
Minto!

Frankie Sullivan:
To boldly go, Uncle Minto. To boldly go.

[last lines]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Don't leave it so long next time.

Leo:
Next time I'd like you to come with me. What do you say? We could try again.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
No, Leo, not now.

Leo:
Sure there's nothing keeping you here. [pauses, then looks over at Father Clifford] Or maybe I'm wrong.

Niamh Quigley:
[storms out the door after it's revealed Brian is spending money on the election-campaign after saying he didn't have enough for her wedding] Bless me, Father, for I am about to sin.

Niamh Egan:
Forgive me Father, for I am about to sin!

Father Peter Clifford:
Have you heard the polar bear joke? OK. There's a baby polar bear, and he's in the sea and he climbs out and runs across the ice up to his mum, and he says, "Mum, are you sure I'm a polar bear?". She says, "Don't be silly, of course you are. You've got white fur, you eat fish, you're a polar bear. Don't be daft, get back in the sea." So he does, but he's not content. So he jumps out and this time he runs up to his dad, and he says, "Dad, am I really a polar bear?". He says, "What are you talking about? Of course you're a polar bear. You've got white fur, you eat fish, you're a polar bear. Why do you ask?" And the baby bear says, "Because I'm freezing."

[pause]

Father Peter Clifford:
Why am I always thinking of you?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
What are you playing at? What are you trying to do to me?

Father Peter Clifford:
Assumpta, please.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Oh, that's what it is, you're worried about the neighbours now?

[walks inside]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Well?

Father Peter Clifford:
Well, what? What do you want me to say?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
I want you... What do you want?

Father Peter Clifford:
It's not that simple.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
It is that simple.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Not from where I'm standing.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Oh, for God's sake, Peter, we have moved on.

Father Peter Clifford:
I'm a Catholic priest.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Goes with the territory.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Cheap shot.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
It's the truth. For you and me, it's the truth.

[she goes to leave]

Father Peter Clifford:
Assumpta?

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Yes?

[he says nothing]

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
[sighs] You know what you're going to go and do now? You're going to go and discuss this in a wooden box with a grown man in a frock and you won't talk to me!

Father Peter Clifford:
I will. I just need to think.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
It's not what's in your head I need to hear.

[last lines]

Brendan:
Peter...

[Peter walks away]

Padraig:
Brendan!

Brendan:
Let him go.

[last lines]

Jenny:
Well, goodbye. It was still nice to see you.

Father Peter Clifford:
And you.

Jenny:
Well, you'll know next time.

Father Peter Clifford:
I'm a priest.

Jenny:
There'll be a next time.

[first lines]

Padraig:
Siobhan, will you stop! Roxy's Cracker couldn't win over five furlongs if it set off last night.

Brendan:
Racing tips from a vet.

Padraig:
A vet with a hangover, what.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Back in a sec. Good afternoon.

Jenny:
Hi, name's Clark; I booked a room.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Indeed you did. Two nights, is that right?

Jenny:
Yeah.

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Flying visit, then?

Jenny:
Well...

Assumpta Fitzgerald:
Just sign here, would you. Have you come for the scenery?

Jenny:
Not exactly, no. I've come for the priest.

[first lines]

Newsreader:
Good morning, and here is the news. The EU finance ministers are meeting in London today to agree details of monetary union. The most ambitious European space project ever is to be launched today. And the winning ticket in last night's six million pound lottery was sold in the mini-market in Ballykissangel.

Newsreader:
News at midday. First, the headlines. The EU finance ministers have disagreed on monetary union. The French Ariane rocket has exploded on take-off. And the six million pound Ballykissangel lottery win is still unclaimed.

[last lines]

Superintendent Foley:
Good man.

Ambrose Egan:
Thank you, sir. [Foley leaves]

Niamh Egan:
I'm so proud of you, Ambrose. [kisses him] Now, what'll you have to drink, on the house?

Ambrose Egan:
Uh, pint of cider.

[During Niamh's hen party, before Niamh has arrived. Emma is sitting awkwardly in Fitzgerald's with Orla, Kathleen and Kathleen's friend Maisie, the latter two of whom are discussing Catholic saints]

Kathleen:
You, being English, Emma, you wouldn't know that St Jude was the patron saint...

Emma:
Of lost causes.

Kathleen:
Isn't that amazing!

Emma:
I am a Catholic, Kathleen.

Maisie:
I always thought that you were an Agrarian!

Emma:
Uh, Anglican.

Maisie:
Oh, it's that they call it... And who's your favorite saint?... Let me guess: Saint Christopher?

Emma:
[a little desperately] Um, at the moment I'm saying a little prayer to St. Jude, about a lost cause.

[first lines]

Paul Dooley:
Right. We budgeted for a hundred people.

Brian Quigley:
Yes, well, some people just can't make it.

Paul Dooley:
What about my profit margin?

Brian Quigley:
The price you charge, you're doing all right.

Paul Dooley:
Just enough to cover the rent.

Brian Quigley:
Look, you're being paid to do the catering; I'm the customer; the customer's always right.

Paul Dooley:
Ho, jeez.

Brian Quigley:
Except I'm not just the customer, am I?

Paul Dooley:
Now, how could I forget that?

Brian Quigley:
Right, I'll see you later.

[last lines]

Brian Quigley:
I heard you were looking for transport.

Father Peter Clifford:
Brian, I'm fine for transport. Oh, and, um, while we're here...

Brian Quigley:
Yeah?

Father Peter Clifford:
Right. It's just a small thing.

Brian Quigley:
No, no, no, no, go ahead, go ahead.

Father Peter Clifford:
When we're in here, I ask the questions.

Father Peter Clifford:
Why did you ask if I was a Catholic?

Father MacAnally:
Well, I would have asked you for a donation. *You* can't afford it.

[first lines]

Timmy Joe Galvin:
Jaez!

[first lines]

Kevin O'Kelly:
2:45. That's the fastest ever.

Dr. Michael Ryan:
Good.

[last lines]

Ambrose Egan:
Niamh! Niamh! Niamh!

Niamh Egan:
Hi.

Ambrose Egan:
You all right?

Niamh Egan:
Fine. And you?

Ambrose Egan:
Yeah. Good. [takes Kieran] And look at you. Daddy's gonna tell you all about how he arrested Johnner Delaney. Again.

Niamh Egan:
Ambrose. What happened?

Ambrose Egan:
I'll tell you later. It's our family day out, remember?

Niamh Egan:
[runs into the shallows and yells] Lookit silly da.

[first lines]

Ambrose Egan:
Right. One last check. Nightie?

Niamh Egan:
Got my nightie.

Ambrose Egan:
Toothbrush? Slippers? Soap?

Niamh Egan:
They give you soap in the hospital. Mind that bus!

[Ambrose pulls onto the shoulder to miss the bus]

Ambrose Egan:
Remember what the nurse said: keep up the breathing rhythm; rise to the contractions. Coat! You've forgotten your coat.

Niamh Egan:
It's in the boot. I haven't forgotten anything.

[the car sputters to a stop]

Niamh Egan:
What's happening?

Ambrose Egan:
I must have forgotten to fill her up.

[last lines]

Ambrose Egan:
It's a boy, Niamh. It's a boy. It's a boy, Niamh. My son.

[first lines]

Fr. MacAnally:
Have you done any choral singing, Brendan? I hear you have a great voice.

Brendan:
I have. But an even greater thirst.

Fr. MacAnally:
And how about you, Sean?

Sean Dillon:
I can't sing a note.

Fr. MacAnally:
A parish populated by crows.

Brendan:
Perennial search for a choir.

[last lines]

Niamh:
You meant it.

Sean Dillon:
Yeah.

Niamh:
Please, say it again, please.

Sean Dillon:
Will you marry me?

Niamh:
I love you.