Blackadder Goes Forth

Blackadder Goes Forth

Blackadder Goes Forth is the fourth and final series of the BBC sitcom Blackadder, written by Richard Curtis and Ben Elton, which aired from 28 September to 2 November 1989 on BBC One.

Genre: Comedy
Year:
1989
12,329 Views

Lieutenant George:
But this is brave, splendid and noble...

[Blackadder doesn't react - there's a long pause]

Lieutenant George:
...Sir

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant George:
I'm scared, sir

Private Baldrick:
I'm scared too, sir

Lieutenant George:
I'm the last of the tiddly-winking leapfroggers from the golden summer of 1914. I don't want to die... I'm really not over keen on dying at all, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
How are you feeling, Darling?

Captain Darling:
Ahm- not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show, go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger".

Captain Blackadder:
Well, quite.

[Outside:
"Stand to, stand to, fix bayonets"]

Captain Blackadder:
Come on, come on, let's move. [at the door, Blackadder turns to George] Don't forget your stick Lieutenant

Lieutenant George:
Rather, sir. Wouldn't want to face a machine gun without this.

[they walk into the misty trench, waiting for the off - suddenly there is silence - the machine guns stop]

Captain Darling:
I say, listen - our guns have stopped.

Lieutenant George:
You don't think...

Private Baldrick:
Perhaps the war's over. Perhaps it's peace.

Captain Darling:
Thank God. We lived through it. The Great War, 1914 to 1917.

Captain Darling, Private Baldrick, Lieutenant George:
Hip hip hooray!

Captain Blackadder:
I'm afraid not. The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.

Lieutenant George:
So, we are, in fact, going over. This is, as they say, it?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, unless I can think of something very quickly. [a voice shouts 'Company, one pace forward.' They all step forward]

Private Baldrick:
There's a nasty splinter on that ladder, sir. A bloke could hurt himself on that.

[another call:
"Stand ready" - they put their hands on the ladders ready to climb] I have a plan, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Really Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Private Baldrick:
Yes, sir.

[another call:
"On the signal, Company will advance"]

Captain Blackadder:
Well, I'm afraid it's too late. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here? [a whistle blows he looks at Baldrick]

Captain Blackadder:
Good luck, everyone.

[Blackadder blows his whistle, there is a roar of voices as everyone leaps up the ladders, meeting the machine gun fire]

Capt. Kevin Darling:
[Darling and Melchett are both eating a posh supper, which has actually been prepared by Baldrick] I suppose Blackadder and his boys will have gone over the top by now.

General Melchett:
Yes - God, I'd give anything to be out there with them, dodging the bullets instead of sitting here drinking this Chateau Lafite, and eating these filets mignons with sauce bearnaise! [By lucky chance, Baldrick has mentioned all of these foods earlier!]

Capt. Kevin Darling:
My thoughts exactly, sir. Damn this Chateau Lafite! [He takes a nice, big, satisfied sip]

General Melchett:
He's a very brave man, Blackadder, and, of course, that Lieutenant of his, George - Cambridge man, you know. His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college. [He eats a filet mignon in sauce bearnaise] Slightly unusual taste, this sauce bearnaise.

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Yes, sir. [His face shows it tastes vile] And to be quite frank, sir, these mignons are a little, well...

General Melchett:
What?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Well, dungy.

General Melchett:
What on earth's wrong with that cook?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Well, sir, it's a rather strange story, sir.

General Melchett:
Well? Tell, tell.

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Well, sir, I received a phone call this morning from Pope Gregory IX, telling me that our cook had been selected for the English Cricket Team and must set sail for the West Indies immediately.

General Melchett:
Really?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Barely a moment later, the phone rang again. It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs, who happened to be in the area, offering their services. So, I had the quarter-master take them on at once.

General Melchett:
[Melchett seems satisfied by this, and eats a bit of Plum Duff. He is repulsed by its taste and spits it out] Ah, Jumping Jerries! Are you sure these are real raisins in this Plum Duff?

Capt. Kevin Darling:
Oh, yes, I'm sure they are, sir. Everything will be all right once the cream custard arrives. [Which is really cat's vomit!]

Private Baldrick:
No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder:
Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Lieutenant George:
The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.

Captain Blackadder:
George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

Lieutenant George:
Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. [aside, to Baldrick] Mad as a bicycle!

Private Baldrick:
I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.

Captain Blackadder:
I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Private Baldrick:
Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

Captain Blackadder:
Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.

Lieutenant George:
By Gum, this is interesting. I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Captain Blackadder:
You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Private Baldrick:
But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

Private Baldrick:
What was that, sir?

Captain Blackadder:
It was bollocks.

Private Baldrick:
So the poor old ostrich died for nothing then.


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