Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Amy Santiago:
Gregor Minsk, the counterfeiter I've been chasing for two years has finally resurfaced. And he's just as evil as ever.

Jake Peralta:
Right, you hate him because he has a typo on his counterfeit bills.

Amy Santiago:
No, because he passed 4 million dollars in fraudulent bills, Jake. But also, two r's in "pluribus"? I mean, did none of those cashiers take Latin?

Jake Peralta:
I love this. Tux on, guns out- I feel like James Bond, and you are my mysterious femme fatale that I've been partnered with: Maxi... Pads.

Amy Santiago:
Maxi Pads?

Jake Peralta:
I don't know! I didn't want to make the name too sexual and I panicked!

Gina Linetti:
Uh, Jake, wait. What are you doing? Give me the ring.

Jake Peralta:
Ha! You sound like Gollum.

Gina Linetti:
That means nothing to me. I don't see those movies, I'm too pretty.

Gina Linetti:
[Gina has fixed the smoke machine] I fixed this!

Charles Boyle:
It's working! How'd you do that?

Gina Linetti:
I grew up with a smoke machine in the apartment, Charles. I like to enter the kitchen in the morning with vivacity.

Terry Jeffords:
[Holt has officiated at the wedding] I gotta hand it to you, Captain. That was some ceremony.

Captain Ray Holt:
It wasn't difficult. I simply said what I wish had been said when Kevin and I got married.

Kevin Cozner:
Oh, well, then I never would have heard your hilarious "efficient/officiant" quip.

Captain Ray Holt:
Hmm, you're right. I regret nothing. But all this does make me think I might enjoy a more festive expression of our commitment to one another.

Kevin Cozner:
Are you suggesting we hold an honest to goodness wedding?

Captain Ray Holt:
Hmm. Nothing too elaborate. We're not the Kardashian-Wests, after all. They are a musician and a celebrity personality who recently wedded.

Kevin Cozner:
Yes, yes, I know, they were answers on Jeopardy.

Captain Ray Holt:
I think you mean questions. [Both laugh]

Terry Jeffords:
[pauses] You guys are fun.

Jake Peralta:
Rosa's wearing pink. Rosa's wearing pink!

Amy Santiago:
Are we sure it's not a white shirt that's just been bloodied in a motorcycle crash?

Terry Jeffords:
Maybe it wasn't her. Does she have a twin sister?

Gina Linetti:
If Rosa had a twin, she would've eaten her in the womb.

Gina Linetti:
Okay, but what's his body like on a scale from Charles to Terry?

Charles Boyle:
Sorry, buddy.

Terry Jeffords:
What? I'm the ten.

Charles Boyle:
Sure you are.

Dave Majors:
Wanna go get a drink there later? I'd ask Amy also, but I can only bring one guest.

Jake Peralta:
Nah, it's cool, I'm sure she's busy tonight anyway. Taxes are due in eight months.

Dave Majors:
Actually, they were due two weeks ago.

Jake Peralta:
Well. That is a horrible surprise.

Jake Peralta:
I've been thinking about asking her out for the last couple of weeks, but it's hard. There's so much build up now, you know?

Rosa Diaz:
Not really. I don't ask people out, I just tell them where we're going.

Rosa Diaz:
You should've told him to back off.

Jake Peralta:
I can't go around telling guys not to ask Amy out because I like her and I'm too dumb to do anything about it. I can't make a woman's choice for her, I stand with Wendy. Did I do that right?

Rosa Diaz:
No.

Jake Peralta:
Oh.

Gina Linetti:
Hey Terry, got any new baby pics?

Terry Jeffords:
You hate looking at pictures of my twins. You said that since they were identical, I didn't need to take pictures of both.

Jake Peralta:
Hey uh, now that it's just us, there's a thing I wanted to say adaza you...

Amy Santiago:
Why doesn't your mouth work?

Jake Peralta:
"Why doesn't your mouth work", title of our sex tape.

Amy Santiago:
What?

Jake Peralta:
Your sex tape! What? No!

Rosa Diaz:
Get in there and bust up her date. Show her you care. Ruin her night.

Captain Ray Holt:
Gina, where have you been? You left your cell phone at your desk and I assumed you were dead.

Gina Linetti:
Hm, I would clearly be buried with my phone.

Detective Charles Boyle:
Hello, my big, beautiful B.M.

Detective Jake Peralta:
Best man. Just best man is fine.

Jake Peralta:
I know Amy has a ton of work, so...

Amy Santiago:
No, I don't.

Jake Peralta:
Really? I could've sworn I overheard you telling Rosa: "Girlfriend, please. I got hella open cases."

Amy Santiago:
That's something you think I said?

Jake Peralta:
Word for word. No diggity, no doubt.

Amy Santiago:
Did I do something to you? Are you mad? Is this because I brushed all the crumbs off your desk?

Jake Peralta:
What? No, I don't care about that. Do you know where they are?

Jake Peralta:
Alright, look. The reason that I didn't want to work with you is... should I do this in an accent so that I can undercut some of the awkwardness that I'm feeling?

Amy Santiago:
No.

Jake Peralta:
Good call. Remember when you told me that you didn't want to date cops? [in Jamaican accent] That really bummed me out, man!

Gina Linetti:
Amateur. Always say your insults to someone's face. No paper trail.

Rosa Diaz:
Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.

Charles Boyle:
I need your help moving this old miss Pacman machine I just bought.

Rosa Diaz:
Why are you so obsessed with that game?

Charles Boyle:
Because it's the sexiest video game ever. She's insatiable, Rosa. Insatiable. Insatiab...

Rosa Diaz:
Stop saying "insatiable".

Jake Peralta:
Let's go.

Amy Santiago:
No, wait. We look like cops. We're never gonna blend in dressed like this. Okay, there. How's that?

Jake Peralta:
Uh, I don't know. All I see is clothes hanging off of a genderless blob.

Alice - Hostess:
You are just so sweet together. You know, I'm sure I can find room for two young lovers.

Jake Peralta:
Yeah, we are lovers. Together. In beds.

Amy Santiago:
Okay.

Gina Linetti:
I'll distract the file clerk. Apparently, he's really into birdwatching, so talking to a woman should blow his mind. And talking to this woman... it could kill him.

Charles Boyle:
We're friends. I was building up to call you "Ro-Ro" one of these days.

Rosa Diaz:
That will never happen. In fact, you just lost "Rosa" privileges. From now on, you can call me "Diaz" or "hey you".

Charles Boyle:
Come on, Rosa. Come on, hey you.

Captain Ray Holt:
Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.

Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch:
Calling me the devil? How original, Raymond.

Captain Ray Holt:
Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.

Jake Peralta:
Oh, hey! We were just looking for a place to, uh...

Amy Santiago:
...boink.

Jake Peralta:
Yep. Boink. That's my preferred term for it as well.

Charles Boyle:
So how was the restaurant?

Amy Santiago:
SUCH A NORMAL TIME!

Charles Boyle:
Why are you being weird?

Jake Peralta:
Amy and I kissed.

Charles Boyle:
WHAT?

Amy Santiago:
To keep our cover from being blown, we didn't have a choice.

Charles Boyle:
Tell me everything!

Jake Peralta:
Charles, it was just a kiss, okay? It was for work, it was nothing.

Rosa Diaz:
Yeah, who cares about a kiss? Call me if you grab each other's asses.

Jake Peralta:
Okay, you and Rosa follow Augustine.

Charles Boyle:
Right. And you and Amy: follow your hearts.

Jake Peralta:
No! We're gonna stay with the package.

Charles Boyle:
And each other, forever.

Rosa Diaz:
Enough. I'm going to the dumb party but only because I don't want to hurt Marcus, I'm still super mad at you.

Charles Boyle:
Like how you're super mad at Gilmore Girls for how the finale went down?

Rosa Diaz:
I just wanna see Lorelai happy. And shut up!

Amy Santiago:
NYPD, freeze! We are work colleagues!

Jake Peralta:
You're under arrest! This is a work event!

Jake Peralta:
Hey, can you sign this arrest report for Augustine and the buyer?

Amy Santiago:
Sure.

Jake Peralta:
Man, I forgot how long your signature takes. Just gonna watch Braveheart on my phone real' quick. Given the circumstances, I can see how that might've seemed like flirty teasing or something, but I was legit being critical; you have a problem. No, even that sounded like banter now. Alright, there's only one way out of this for me. I just gotta get super cruel. Prepare to have your physical flaws pointed out, Amy. Talking about your tall butt and your weird elbows.

Jake Peralta:
I'm basically handling it the way I dealt with my dad leaving. Just repressing the hell out of it.

Rosa Diaz:
Hey, Boyle, I need a recommendation for a good restaurant. It's Marcus' birthday and I wanna do something... nice.

Charles Boyle:
Oooh! You want, like, classic romantic or gastro-sensuous?

Rosa Diaz:
Nope, never mind.

Jake Peralta:
I know those categories. You guys are talking dates. Here's what you do. Invite him over, order some fancy take out, throw it in a pot, and act like you cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.

Rosa Diaz:
Dude, I'm not gonna buy a pot. We're not married.

Amy Santiago:
Wall Street Journal on the doormat, top floor apartment... 20 bucks says this guy is like a hot, eligible bachelor.

Jake Peralta:
I'll take that action. [knocks on door] Police, open up!

Old Man:
Hello?

Jake Peralta:
Oh! Hello sir, how are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible Detective.

Jake Peralta:
Never took off the speedo. Big mistake, it is inside me.

Captain Ray Holt:
[about Chief Wuntch] We're not going to fight her. She's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also, because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm, and her hands are like little rat claws.

Chief Wuntch:
Hello, Raymond. How do you like my new office? Twentieth floor.

Captain Ray Holt:
Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Charles Boyle:
Captain, De Angelo has a place upstate, the local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now. He must be there.

Captain Ray Holt:
Okay, they're going to have to raid the place without us, it'll take us two hours to get there.

Jake Peralta:
Or we could take...

Captain Ray Holt:
We are not taking a helicopter.

Jake Peralta:
You know I was going to say "chopper".

Captain Ray Holt:
Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.

Jake Peralta:
Okay, sir...

Captain Ray Holt:
Or. It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting. "You could've had a copper, Raymond, why didn't you take advantage? Just a minute, my cauldron's boiling over."

Jake Peralta:
Yeah, but what she actually said was: [Using strange accent] "Chopper's yours, Peralta." [In his own voice] Your impression was better.

Captain Ray Holt:
What did you do?

Jake Peralta:
She may have called me, and I may have briefed her, and she may have said "yes" to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!

Charles Boyle:
I call middle seat!

Gina Linetti:
On your mark... Get Seth... Rogen!

Captain Ray Holt:
Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Rosa Diaz:
You spent the whole day flirting with Amy.

Jake Peralta:
Yeah, we're joking around because we're friends now that I've moved on.

Rosa Diaz:
Then prove it. Beat Amy and don't flirt with her at all.

Jake Peralta:
Fine, easy. But you better tell Katie to clear out her schedule out Thursday for a date, 'cause I'm working nights until then and the following weekend I am out of town, let's do this.

Jake Peralta:
I don't have feelings for Amy anymore. So, time for me to get out there and spread my wi...

Charles Boyle:
...legs.

Jake Peralta:
Get out there and spread my legs?

Charles Boyle:
Well, ei- either way...

Jake Peralta:
No! Not either way. Only wings.

Jake Peralta:
Guys. Guys, guys, guys. Three hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?

Charles Boyle:
Make-overs!

Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch:
If you were planning on sneezing, you should've brought your own.

Jake Peralta:
So... Jimmy Jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We can play for Katie's number.

Rosa Diaz:
No. Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy Jabs?

Jake Peralta:
No. Yes. Why, what gave it away?

Rosa Diaz:
You said "aha" and snapped your fingers.

Amy Santiago:
Jake and Katie would be awesome together.

Jake Peralta:
I know, right? She's single, I'm single. She's pretty, I'm pretty.

Gina Linetti:
It's daylight, Boyle. Why are we talking?

Gina Linetti:
Who cares, who cares, who cares?

Gina Linetti:
Aw, Boyle. I love that you're trying to step up your sex game. But strength is not your issue. Stop humming. And it does not turn me on when you bend over and back up into me.

Amy Santiago:
This is my year.

Scully:
It's my year too!

Amy Santiago:
Please don't align yourself with me.

Gina Linetti:
On your mark, get set, Wahlberg.

Charles Boyle:
I can't do this to my mouth, she's the love of my life.

Amy Santiago:
I can do this. I wanna win so bad.

Jake Peralta:
Oh great, here. Quick, let me take a picture. Aw, that's so cute. You got a little bit of mold on the tip of your nose.

Jake Peralta:
Sure hope I don't sprain my arm during the race. 'cause I'm gonna be opening up a lot of doors for Katie on our date. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be a gentleman.

Rosa Diaz:
What are you doing, Jake?

Jake Peralta:
Trash talking you. While simultaneously proving that I will be respectful of your friend, it's a tough line to walk.

Jake Peralta:
Pregnant. Nice. Means you had sex.

Amy Santiago:
Damn right, I did. And I forgot my birth control. Yeah! I think the belly will draw attention away from my face.

Jake Peralta:
Smart. Like one big boob.

Amy Santiago:
You're out? I'm in the finals?

Jake Peralta:
And all I have to do to get Katie's number is beat Amy? That's nothing.

Amy Santiago:
[smacks his belly]

Jake Peralta:
Hey! Don't you dare touch Amy Junior! That's right- it's your baby!

Amy Santiago:
You saying I knocked you up?

Jake Peralta:
You sure did!

Jake Peralta:
If you're here for your $200, can I interest you in a check that will definitely bounce?

Captain Ray Holt:
Nothing's okay. Wuntch Circling me like a shark frenzied by chum. The task force, turning into a career-threatening quagmire. An internal affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I am buffeted by the winds of my foes' enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate. Yet I, a captain, am no longer able to command my vessel, my precinct, from my customary helm, my office. And you ask, "is everything okay?" I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold. And now I feel it being ripped from my grasp. And with it The very essence of what defines me as a man. And you ask, "is everything okay?"

Detective Jake Peralta:
[about the lie detector] I'm telling you, this machine is broken. Ask me a question.

Sergeant Terry Jeffords:
Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?

Detective Jake Peralta:
Yes, obviously.

Abel:
Lie.

Detective Jake Peralta:
See? It's busted!

Sergeant Terry Jeffords:
Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?

Detective Jake Peralta:
[sighs] No.

Abel:
Lie.

Detective Jake Peralta:
Alright, fine, she is. She makes me feel things.

Sergeant Terry Jeffords:
She makes all of us feel things!