Buffy the Vampire Slayer XXX: A Parody

[first lines]

Male Vampire:
[after a few seconds of ominous growling behind a hooded girl] Dammit! Not a scream. Not even a whimper. I must be losing my touch.

Buffy:
[turns around to face the vampire] You're about to lose more than your touch... like your face!

Willow:
You know, you may be the slayer, the girl destined to fight off the forces of darkness and all, but... maybe you shouldn't slay out alone. You know, we're your friends and we're here to help you, Buffy.

Buffy:
Thanks, Willow. I appreciate it.

Willow:
And it's not like we can't handle it. Giles is your watcher, I'm a witch, and Xander's the... the...

Xander:
the... Ron Weasley? Come on, no really, I bring a lot to the table besides comic relief. I bring donuts... and plus I play a key role in battle. I distract.

Buffy:
And by distract, you mean scream and shriek? Seriously, you really shouldn't leap into the fray like that.

Willow:
I think you said he should be fray-adjacent.

Buffy:
Yes, fray-adjacent. And by adjacent I mean as fray away from the fight as possible.

Spike:
In the meantime, let's get randy.

Harmony:
Who's Randy? [laughs] I'm sorry. I just melt every time you do that accent. Austrian, right? G'day, mate. Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie. But, if Shrimp is with Barbie, then who's with Ken?

Spike:
Oh bugger, you really are a stupid bint.