Bye Bye Love

Emma:
I hate this uniform, it makes me look 14.

Meg:
You are 14.

Emma:
Exactly.

Donny Carlson:
It's a very awkward age for girls.

Dave Goldman:
Really what age is that?

Donny Carlson:
13 to 35, very awkward.

Dr. David Townsend:
Divorced Americans are the most unhappy people in the world, with a possible exception of married Scandinavians.

Lucille:
I'm not shooting for a "successful" relationship at this point, I'm just looking for something that will prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very very low.

[Standing next to a Porsche]

Dave:
I appreciate beautiful things.

Heidi:
Beautiful fast things.

Dave:
Beautiful fast German things... Heidi, right?

Mikey:
An order of fries and fresh horses for my men!

[after kissing]

Susan Goldman:
Wait, we can't do this.

Donny Carlson:
Why not?

Susan Goldman:
Because you would be afraid that I was thinking of Dave and I would be afraid that you were thinking about Clair.

Donny Carlson:
Well, what if you thought about Clair, and I thought about Dave?

Donny Carlson:
Ladder, for to climb!

Claire Carlson:
We had to take back the graduation dress.

Emma Carlson:
It made me look fat.

Donny Carlson:
You couldn't look fat if you wanted to.

Emma Carlson:
Why would I wanna look fat?

Donny Carlson:
You wouldn't! You couldn't!

Vic Damico:
[discussing his ex-wife's new boyfriend] Well, tell Gerald, that if he touches my son again, I'll kill him.

Grace Damico:
Really. It was nothing more than a tap. And Jed was being very rude.

Vic Damico:
I don't care if Jed was taking a piss on his head. He touches him again, he dies. Tell him.

Jed Damico:
Do you have any Raffi?

DJ at Party:
What?

Jed Damico:
Do you have any Raffi?

DJ at Party:
Reefer?

Jed Damico:
Raffi!

Dr. David Townsend:
We're back, I'm Doctor David Townsend. And we're talking about divorce. It effects all of us, and hurts many of us. And in the next forty-eight hours, that is all we will be talking about; divorce. D-I-V-O-R-C-E, tell you what it means to me.

Vic Damico:
Here's the recipe your kids like so much.

Dave Goldman:
Vic's Meatloaf Madness.

Donny Carlson:
You wrote it up?

Vic Damico:
Yeah, it's all there. Tomtoes, onions, cheese... my own secret sauce.

Donny Carlson:
Is it under ten minutes? Because if it's not, I can tell you right now I can't do it.

Vic Damico:
Minute and half on high, serves a family of four.

Dave Goldman:
Ragu... that's your secret sauce?

Vic Damico:
[quietly] You wanna keep it down?

Linda:
Last week was my son Kevin's birthday, he turned six.

Dr. David Townsend:
Happy Birthday, Kevin.

Linda:
And his father was supposed to come take him to a hockey game. He likes hockey because there's fighting, and people can get hurt. His father, not Kevin. He just loves fighting.

Dr. David Townsend:
Well, than can be healthy. Or... not healthy. Go on.

Linda:
Well we wait, and we wait and we wait and he never shows up. He missed his own son's birthday, he didn't even call.

Dr. David Townsend:
That son of a b*tch! Can I say that on the radio? Because that is the only word for it; son of a b*tch!

Vic Damico:
This isn't your first time in a restaurant, is it?

Lucille:
No, my ex-husband used to like to eat out, may he rest in peace.

Vic Damico:
So he passed away?

Lucille:
Not yet.

Donny Carlson:
I ran into Marty Allen, he and Leslie are getting a divorce.

Dave Goldman:
They're splitting up? Marty and Leslie?

Donny Carlson:
After eleven years!

Vic Damico:
Just goes to show you, you're never safe. Eleven years, busting his ass, bringing home the paycheck for what? He must have done something really terrible, like leave the cap off the toothpaste.

Donny Carlson:
Actually, he was sleeping with his secretary.

Vic Damico:
Yeah, well.