Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Truly Scrumptious:
Is that all you do Mr. Potts, invent things?

Caractacus Pott:
You'll find a slight squeeze on the hooter an excellent safety precaution, Miss Scrumptious.

Child Catcher:
There are children here somewhere. I can smell them.

Child Catcher:
Come along, kiddie-winkies!

Jemimah:
He's awful!

Jeremy:
He's terrible!

Caracticus Potts:
Not only that, he isn't even nice!

Grandpa:
Coggins? He's so mean he wouldn't light your pipe if his house was on fire.

Caractacus Pott:
How was India, Grandpa?

Grandpa:

Jemimah:
How was India? I'll tell you how India was. I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

Grandpa:

Jemimah:

Grandpa:
You've heard it before.

Lord Scrumptious:
Time's up. Had your chance. Muffed it. Good morning.

Childcatcher:
I don't trust a man who makes toys in a land where children are forbidden.

Caracticus Potts:
Maybe my children like running wild in the street. Had that occured to you?

Truly Scrumptious:
I've never been...

Caractacus Pott:
Spoken to like that? Well, maybe it's about time!

Caracticus Potts:
The nerve of that woman! Coming in here and telling me how to raise my children! Do I need someone telling me how to raise my children? Do I? Where is my cardigan?

Jemimah:
Under your jacket.

Caracticus Potts:
Under my jacket. Do you think your father's a crackpot?

Jeremy:
Your cardigan's on inside-out.

Caracticus Potts:
What? Oh. Do you think I'm a loony, wasting my time on a lot of silly inventions?

Jemimah:
But they aren't silly! They're wonderful!

Jeremy:
Nobody else could think of them!

Caracticus Potts:
That's right! That is right! Nobody else could think of them.

Truly Scrumptious:
Wh-what are you going to do?

Caractacus Pott:
I'm going to carry you.

Truly Scrumptious:
Oh dear. Must you?

Caractacus Pott:
Well, unless you'd rather ride piggyback.

Second Spy:
What do we do now?

First Spy:
Start swimming!

Second Spy:
I don't swim!

First Spy:
Then start drowning!

Caractacus Pott:
And so after that Vulgaria became a free country, and all the children laughed and played in the sunshine, and they were very, very happy. And Chitty flew high over the mountains back to England, everybody safe and sound and...

Jemimah:
And Daddy and Truly were married!

Jeremy:
And lived happily ever after!

Jemimah:
Yes!

Truly Scrumptious:
Is that how the story ends?

Grandpa:
Nasty smellin' things, motorcars!

First Spy:
Now then, where are we?

Second Spy:
I have here, a map.

First Spy:
I know WHERE we are, stupid! We are in England! But when we are in England, what do we do?

Second Spy:
We play cricket.

First Spy:
We play cric- no! We dress like Englishmen!

First Spy:

Junkman:
What is this heap of old iron doin' here?

Bill Coggins:
Old iron?

Junkman:
I'll give ya ten bob for it.

Bill Coggins:
Please do not be daft. This was once such a great car; it won the British Grand Prix three years running.

Junkman:
(chuckles greedily) So it's a car eh it? (touches the broken wheel)

Jeremy:
Certainly it is a car!

Jemimah Potts:
It's a racing car and we're winning!

Jeremy:
And you are in the way!

Junkman:
(rudely) And you are in the way of a belt wrapped around your ear young man, if I have any more of your lip!! All right. I will give ya 15 bob for it.

Bill Coggins:
Make it 30 and she is yours.

Jemimah:
(shocked) Mr. Coggins, you are not selling her, are you!?

Junkman:
(furiously) Of course he's goin' to sell her!! Whattaya think he is runnin' here?! A children's playground or something?!! All right 30 bob. I will pick her up Wednesday.

Truly Scrumptious:
What's your name?

Jemimah:
I'm Jemimah.

Jeremy:
And I'm Jeremy.

Jemimah:
What's yours?

Truly Scrumptious:
Truly.

Jemimah:
That's a very pretty name.

Truly Scrumptious:
Now, where is your house?

Jeremy:
Oh, we don't live in a house.

Jemimah:
We live a castle. On top of a hill.

Truly Scrumptious:
[laughs] A castle? I didn't know there were any castles around here.

Jemimah:
Well, it isn't a castle exactly.

Jeremy:
That's what Daddy calls it. He says King Alfred used to live there hundreds of years ago.

Truly Scrumptious:
And does your Daddy know you aren't in school?

Jemimah:
Oh, he won't mind. He never does.

Jeremy:
Anyway, he's awful busy.

Truly Scrumptious:
Is he? Well, he'll have to find time to see me because I have a few things to say to him.

Caractacus Potts:
How was India, Grandpa?

Grandpa:
India? I'll tell you how India was. I got up this morning and I shot an elephant in my pajamas.

Grandpa, Caractacus, Jemimah, and Jeremy:
How an elephant got in my pajamas, I shall never know.

Grandpa:
You've heard it before.

[They all laugh]

Caractacus Potts:
Do you think Coggins might do a deal, so much a week?

Grandpa:
Coggins? That lives down the road? Sure. He wouldn't light your pipe if his house was on fire.

Caractacus Potts:
You see I've invented these sweets.

Lord Scrumptious' Secretary:
Oh really? Name?

Caractacus Potts:
Uh...Whistling Sweets.

Lord Scrumptious' Secretary:
Mr. Whistling Sweets. (writes it down)

Caractacus Potts:
(laughs) Mr. Whistling Sweets!! Uh no. I'm... uh... Potts.

Lord Scrumptious' Secretary:
Hmmm... (writes it down)

Truly Scrumptious:
What an unusual car.

Jeremy:
Daddy made it.

Truly Scrumptious:
[laughs] Oh? And it actually goes?

Jemimah:
It's called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Truly Scrumptious:
That's a curious name for a motorcar.

Jemimah:
But that's the sound it makes. Listen.

Blimp Pilot:
We're still losing height!

Baron Bomburst:
There has to be something else we can throw out!!!

Second Spy:
But there's nothing else we can throw out...!!?

First Spy:
There's nothing else... (Chuckles nervously)

(All the men look at the spies in ideal. They look to the Baron who nods in agreement and they grab the first spy and throw him out)

Grandpa Potts:
You just dropped someone!!!

(The men then restrain the second spy and throw him out)

First Spy:
(swimming desperately in the ocean as the second spy splashes in the ocean) Come back! Come back! (The men chuckle and wave goodbye to the spies as the blimp takes off back in the air) Come back!!!

Second Spy:
What do we do now?

First Spy:
Start swimming!

Second Spy:
I don't swim!

First Spy:
Then start drowning! [swims away]

Peter:
Sir, have you come to help us? [Catactacus walks over to him] Are you going to help us out of here?

Caractacus Potts:
[kneels in front of him] What's your name, son?

Peter:
Peter, sir.

Caractacus Potts:
[compassionately] Well Peter, you shouldn't be afraid. [Truly, the Toymaker, and the children listen with interest] Even in a terrible place like this. Because there's always hope. That's what I always tell my children when they're...afraid.

[After the reprise of "Hushabye Mountain"]

Truly Scrumptious:
It's a beautiful dream Caractacus, but I don't see how it's gonna help them.

[Truly looks at the children around them and Caractacus stands up.]

Caractacus Potts:
[confidently] You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna get up into that castle!

Toymaker:
[incredulous] It is impossible!

Caractacus Potts:
Well, we'll see. [runs up to a large water channel and looks at the children watching; loud and clear] Now everyone listen to me! You wanna get out of here, don't you? [The children cheer and Caractacus moves behind the water channel] Tomorrow is Baron Bomburst's birthday, yes? [The children boo with their thumbs down] [proud and confident] Well, we're gonna give him a birthday party he'll never forget!

[The children cheer and gather around as Caractacus makes the plan.]

Caractacus Potts:
Truly! I'm sorry about the children. I hope they didn't embarrass you.

Truly Scrumptious:
In what way?

Caractacus Potts:
Why, that silly joke about us getting married. Well, you know how kids are.

Truly Scrumptious:
Yes, I understand.

Caractacus Potts:
Well, I don't think they realize how ridiculous that would be.

Truly Scrumptious:
Ridiculous?

Caractacus Potts:
Well, yes. Well, the factory, and your father and all. It's a different world, Truly.

Truly Scrumptious:
You know, if I said something like that, you'd call me a snob.

Caractacus Potts:
[realizes his mistake] What? I didn't mean sn...

Truly Scrumptious:
[offended] Goodbye!

Truly Scrumptious:
[after Potts kisses her] Well, Mr. Potts!

Caractacus Potts:
What's wrong?

Truly Scrumptious:
Now you'll have to marry me!

[They laugh as they head for the car.]

Grandpa Potts:
[reading a book out loud] And the big brown bear came lolloping over the mountain. "No, no!" the princess cried.

Grandpa Potts:
[singing] P-O-S-H - Posh!

Toymaker:
Hey, you there, get those children in here!! Get them in before the soldiers get here!! We must get those children out of sight, if the soldiers come they will take them away, uh um, no one's allowed to have children in Vulgaria!! The Baroness, she hates children!!

Toymaker:
Here's some good advice, take your children and your good lady out of Vulgaria. Look, I'm only a toymaker, and if I don't finish this in time for the Baron's birthday tomorrow I shall be a dead toymaker!!

Child Catcher:
Here we are children, come and get your lollipops, lollipops, come along my little ones.

Child Catcher:
They're all free today, cherry pie, cream puffs, ice cream, treacle tart.

Child Catcher:
[threatening the Toymaker] The Baroness will have your teeth for a necklace, and your eyeballs for earrings.

Child Catcher:
Let me tell you, Toymaker. This nose of mine has never failed me. And if there are children here, my friend... you will die. [laughs maniacally]

Child Catcher:
Fool! Idiot! Out of my way!