Clerks

Clerks is a 1994 film about two clerks: one who works in a convenience store and the other in a video rental store. They have an unusual day at work when dealing with girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, protesters, drug dealers and - worst of all - the customers.

Year:
1994
567 Views

Veronica:
[after talking to William] That was Snowball.

Dante:
Why do you call him that?

Veronica:
Sylvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.

Dante:
What do you mean?

Veronica:
After he gets a blow job, he likes to have it spit back into his mouth while kissing. It's called snowballing.

Dante:
He requests this?

Veronica:
He gets off on it.

Dante:
Sylvan can be talked into anything.

Veronica:
Why do you say that?

Dante:
Like you said, she snowballed him.

Veronica:
Sylvan? No, I snowballed him.

Dante:
Yeah, right.

Veronica:
I'm serious.

Dante:
You sucked that guy's dick!?

Veronica:
Yeah, how do you think I knew that he...

Dante:
Wait, but you said you only had sex with three different guys! You never mentioned him.

Veronica:
Because I never had sex with him.

Dante:
You sucked his dick!

Veronica:
We went out a few times. We never had sex, but we fooled around.

Dante:
Oh, my God! Why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?

Veronica:
Because I did only have sex with three different guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.

Dante:
Oh, my God, I feel so nauseous.

Veronica:
Sorry, Dante, I thought you understood.

Dante:
I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!

Veronica:
Please calm down.

Dante:
How many?

Veronica:
Dante!

Dante:
How many dicks have you sucked?

Veronica:
Let it go!

Dante:
How many?

Veronica:
All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you f***ed!

Dante:
This is different! This is important! How many? [A customer comes up to the counter and Dante helps her while Veronica does some math] Well?

Veronica:
Um... something like thirty-six.

Dante:
WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX!?

Veronica:
Lower your voice.

Dante:
Wait, what is that anyway, "something like thirty-six?" Does that include me?

Veronica:
Um... thirty-seven.

Dante:
I'M THIRTY-SEVEN!?

Veronica:
I'm going to class.

Dante:
Oh, my God. [customer walks up to pay] Thirty-seven! My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks!

Customer:
In a row?

Dante:
You know, that article's accurate. Caitlin's really getting married!

Randal:
You know what I just watched?

Dante:
Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Randal:
Return of the Jedi.

Dante:
Didn't you hear me? Caitlin is really getting married!

Randal:
What did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

Dante:
Empire.

Randal:
Blasphemy.

Dante:
Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

Randal:
There was something else going on in Jedi. I ever noticed it till today. They build another Death Star, right?

Dante:
Yeah.

Randal:
Now, the first one was completed and fully operational before the Rebel's destroyed it.

Dante:
Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit is due.

Randal:
And the second one was still being built when the blew it up.

Dante:
Compliments to Lando Calrissian.

Randal:
Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my figure on it, but something just wasn't right.

Dante:
And you figured it out?

Randal:
The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people onboard were stormtroppers, dignitaries, Imperials.

Dante:
Basically.

Randal:
So, when the blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.

Dante:
And the second time around?

Randal:
The second time around, it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.

Dante:
So?

Randal:
So, construction job of that magnitude would require a helluva lot more manpower than the Imperial army had to offer. I'll bet there were independent contractors working on that thing: plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers.

Dante:
Not just Imperials, is what you're getting at?

Randal:
Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody who could do the job. Do you think the average storm trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All they know is killing and white uniforms.

Dante:
All right, so they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset with its destruction?

Randal:
All those innocent contractors hired to do a job were killed! Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look, you're a roofer, and some juicy government contract comes your way; you got the wife and kids and the two-story in suburbia - this is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. All of a sudden these left-wing militants blast you with lasers and wipe out everyone within a three-mile radius. You didn't ask for that. You have no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

Video Store Customer:
[holding two videos] They say so much, but they never tell you if they're any good. Are either one of these any good? Sir?

Randal:
What?

Video Store Customer:
Are either one of these any good?

Randal:
I don't watch movies.

Video Store Customer:
Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal:
I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Video Store Customer:
You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal:
Nope.

[The customer turns around and then holds up the same two movies.]

Video Store Customer:
Well, what about these two?

Randal:
Oh, they suck.

Video Store Customer:
These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!

Randal:
No, I wasn't.

Video Store Customer:
I don't think your manager would appreciate-

Randal:
I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Video Store Customer:
I beg your pardon?

Randal:
Your ruse. Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Video Store Customer:
I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!

Randal:
And I hope it feels good.

Video Store Customer:
You hope what feels good?

Randal:
I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Video Store Customer:
Well, this is the last time I rent here!

Randal:
You'll be missed.

Video Store Customer:
Screw you! [leaves]

Randal:
[runs to door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay [standing outside]:
Yeeaahhh!

Randal:
Screw me?

Dante:
You get me slapped with a fine, you argue with the customers and I have to patch everything up. You get us thrown out of a funeral by violating a corpse, and then to top it all off, you ruin my relationship. I mean, what's your encore? Do you, like, anally rape my mother while pouring sugar in my gas tank? You know what the real tragedy about all this is? I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Randal:
Oh f*** you! F*** you, pal! Jesus, there you go. Trying to pass the buck. I`m the source of all your misery. Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one? You want to blame somebody? Blame yourself! [mimicking] 'I'm not even supposed to be here today.' You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder, like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you over-compensate for havin' what's basically a monkey's job. You push f***in' buttons! Anybody could waltz in here and do our jobs. You, you're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man, he has no delusions about what he does. Us - we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper or God forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so f***in' advanced, what are we doin' working here?

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