Clerks II

Clerks II (2006), directed by Kevin Smith, is the sequel to the 1994 film Clerks.

Genre: Comedy
Production: MGM
  3 wins & 3 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.4
Metacritic:
65
Rotten Tomatoes:
63%
R
Year:
2006
97
$23,951,963
Website
675 Views

Randal:
Dude, The Transformers sucked.

Elias:
Oh, no they didn't. They were more than meets the eye. They could beat the pants off Ranger Danger any day.

Randal:
Yeah, I'll lose sleep wondering whether you're right about that or not. Thought you weren't allowed to watch a lot of TV in your house 'cause you're all Christian and shit.

Elias:
Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren't really that blasphemous because my pastor says that machines can turn into other machines and it's not a slight against God.

Randal:
Dude, the Transformers were a total slight against God, in as much as God sent His only begotten Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay Him back was make terrible f***ing cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias:
(pause) Nice shot. Well, see... At Bible Camp, we made a flow chart. Since God created man, and man created the Transformers, the Transformers are like a gift from God, Randal!

Randal:
No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the beast we call the Desolate One. (voice deepens, walks slowly towards Elias)

Elias:
I really don't wanna hear this, Randal. (reaches for head phones trying to ignore Randal)

Randal:
The first of the fallen. The spoiler of virgins. The MASTER of abortions!.

Elias:
You know I don't like to talk about dark forces, Randal! (puts on the head phones)

Randal:
(grabbing drive-thru microphone and singing) Let me help you out of your chair Grandma! Grandma!

Jay:
(shows up in window) Grandma what was it like?! To be on that holiday site!

Randal:
Late that night-

Jay:
I awoke from my sleep! Hearing!

Jay & Randal:
Unknown! Voices! Laughing insane! (Pushing Elias back and forth between Randal and Jay)

[A customer approaches Elias at the counter]

Hobbit fan:
Hey man.

[Elias changes hats before taking the customer's order]

Elias:
Welcome to Mooby's. May I take your order?

Hobbit fan:
Yeah, um... see... give me one Udderly Delicious Moolkshake, a Skinny Calf and an order of onion rings. Thanks.

[Elias keys in the order]

Elias:
One ring to rule them all.

[Surprised look on the customer's face]

Hobbit fan:
One ring to find them.

Randal:
Oh, Jesus.

[Elias pulls out his ring hanging on his necklace]

Elias:
One ring to bring them all.

Hobbit fan:
And in the darkness, bind them.

[Customer pulls out his ring from his pocket]

Elias:
Yes!

Hobbit fan:
Dude!

[Exchanges high-five with customer]

Elias:
How many times?

Hobbit fan:
Well, um, three for Fellowship, two for Towers, four for Return.

Elias:
Five for Return.

[Randal walks by them]

Randal:
All right, look... There's only one Return, okay? And it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi.

Hobbit fan:
Oh... Star Wars geek.

Randal:
Oh, I'm the geek? Look at you two whipping out your "preciouses".

Elias:
You'll have to excuse him. He's not down with the trilogy.

Randal:
Oh, what the f*** happened to this world? There's only one trilogy, you f***ing morons.

Hobbit fan:
You know what? Maybe we should start calling your friend "Padme", because he loves Mannequin Skywalker so much, right? Hey - [impersonating a robot] Danger! Danger! My name is Anakin! My shitty acting is ruining saga!

Elias:
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar Jar!

Randal:
I'm crazy? Those f***ing Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was was a bunch of people walking. Three movies of people walking through a f***ing volcano. Here's the first movie...

[Randal jumps off the counter and walks slowly with his mouth open before walking back to the counter]

Randal:
And here's the second movie...

[Randal does the same walk, except that midway, he sidesteps to the left and looks down before walking back to the counter]

Hobbit fan:
He is way off. Loser.

Randal:
You ready for the third movie?

[Randal does the same walk, but stops, looks down, pretends to pull a ring from his finger and drops it as two other customers watch him while eating]

Customer A:
F***ing A.

Randal:
Even the f***ing trees walked in those movies.

Hobbit fan:
You know what? I've had enough of you. Your simplistic analysis of the trilogy aside, The Lord of the Rings was a massive achievement. And even the Academy recognized them that they gave Peter Jackson the Best Directing Oscar - an award your little friend George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never - and will never - win. Bones.

[Exchanges fist salute with Elias]

Elias:
Oh, sick burn.

Randal:
Let me tell you something. If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow me away with those Rings movies, he would've ended the third one on a logical closure point. Not the 25 endings that followed.

Elias:
What's the logical closure point?

Hobbit fan:
Yeah, friend. Enlighten us.

Randal:
When f***ing Fredo wakes up from his little coma or whatever and the little Hobbits are jumping up and down on his bed. And Sam leans in the doorway and gives him that very f***ing gay look.

Elias:
Not the Rings Randal. Say what you will about Jesus, but leave the Rings out of this.

Hobbit fan:
I ought to kick your ass back to the shire if you don't shut your f***ing mouth.

Randal:
That look was so gay, I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk, so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his f***ing cock. Now that would've been an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hobbit fan:
Hey! Faggot! They're not gay! They're Hobbits.

Randal:
And then right after the Sam/Frodo suck-fest, right before the credits roll, Sam f***ing flat-out bricks in Frodo's mouth.

Hobbit fan:
I swear... F*** you...!

[Hobbit fan suddenly vomits. Randal runs to the manager's office, laughing.]

Randal:
I made fun of The Lord of the Rings so hard, it made some super geek puke all over the counter. Where do we keep the mop and bucket so I can have Elias clean it up?

Randal Graves:
Since when is it a crime to say "porch monkey"?

Becky:
Oh, since, I don't know, forever?!

Randal Graves:
Why?

Dante Hicks:
Because porch monkey is a racial slur against black people!

Randal Graves:
No it's not - n*gger is.

Dante Hicks:
[horrified] Randal!

Elias:
Did Mr. Randal just call Mr. Dante a n*gger?

Becky:
Shut up, Elias!

Randal Graves:
I didn't just call Dante a n*gger, I just said that n*gger is a racial slur.

Dante Hicks:
So is porch monkey!

Randal Graves:
Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog - those are racial slurs. Porch monkey is not.

Becky:
I'm going to pretend that this conversation didn't happen. Elias, go pick up that f***ing mess. [points at Randal] And you are this close to getting shit-canned! Shoot me now! [storms off]

Dante Hicks:
What are you doing? Are you trying to get fired?

Randal Graves:
Since when did porch monkey become a racial slur?

Dante Hicks:
When ignorant racists started using it 100 years ago!

Randal Graves:
Oh, bullshit. My grandmother used to call me a porch monkey all the time when I was a kid because I'd sit on the porch and stare at my neighbors.

Dante Hicks:
Despite the fact that your grandmother used it as a term of endearment for you, it's still a racial slur. It would be like your grandmother calling you a little kike.

Randal Graves:
Oh, it is not. Besides, my grandmother had nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish community. She used to tell me to be always be nice to the Jewish kids, or they'd put the sheenie curse on me.

Dante Hicks:
WHAT THE F***, MAN?!

Randal Graves:
What?

Dante hicks:
Sheenie is a racial slur too!

Randal Graves:
Oh, it is not!

Dante Hicks:
Yes, it is!

Randal Graves:
Well, she never called any Jews sheenies, she just said "sheenie curse" a lot. It was cute.

Dante Hicks:
It wasn't cute, it was racist!

Randal Graves:
I disagree, man. She was just an old-timer. That's the way people talked back then. It didn't mean they were racists. [thinks for a moment] But my grandmother did refer to a broken beer bottle once as a n*gger knife.

[Dante is flabbergasted]

Randal Graves:
You know, come to think of it, my grandmother was kind of a racist.

Dante Hicks:
You think?!

Randal Graves:
Well, I still don't think that porch monkey should be considered a racial term. I've always used it to describe lazy people, not lazy black people. I think if we really tried, we could take back porch monkey and save it.

Dante Hicks:
[fed up] It can't be saved, Randal. The sole purpose for its creation, the only reason it exists in the first place, is to disparage an entire race. And even if it could be saved, you couldn't save it because you're not black!

Randal Graves:
Well, listen to you - telling me I can't do something because of the color of my skin. You're the racist, man!

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