Clue

Mrs. White:
He was deranged he was a... lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

Miss Scarlet:
Why would he want to kill you in public?

Wadsworth:
I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

Miss Scarlet:
Oh.

Wadsworth:
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

Cop:
You all seem to be very anxious about something.

Wadsworth:
It's the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.

Mrs. Peacock:
Uh, is there a little girl's room in the hall?

Yvette:
Oui oui, Madame.

Mrs. Peacock:
No, I just have to powder my nose.

Cop:
And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?

Wadsworth:
J. Edgar Hoover?

Cop:
That's right. The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Colonel Mustard:
Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?

Wadsworth:
I don't know. He's on everyone else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?

Colonel Mustard:
Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?

Wadsworth:
Um, no.

Colonel Mustard:
Then, there is someone else in this house?

Wadsworth:
No, sorry. I said no meaning yes.

Colonel Mustard:
"No meaning yes?" Look I want a straight answer. Is there someone else, or isn't there? Yes or no?

Wadsworth:
Ummm, no.

Colonel Mustard:
No, there is, or no, there isn't?

Wadsworth:
Yes.

Colonel Mustard:
How many husbands have you had?

Mrs. White:
Mine, or other women's?

Colonel Mustard:
Yours.

Mrs. White:
Five.

Colonel Mustard:
Five?

Mrs. White:
Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.

Colonel Mustard:
You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.

Mrs. White:
Flies are where men are most vulnerable.

Colonel Mustard:
Right!

Colonel Mustard:
Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house.

Wadsworth:
I told you there isn't.

Colonel Mustard:
There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?

Wadsworth:
Either, or both.

Colonel Mustard:
Just give me a clear answer.

Wadsworth:
Certainly.

Wadsworth:
What was the question?

Colonel Mustard:
Is there anybody else in the house?

Colonel Mustard:
This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelette without breaking a few eggs-- every cook will tell you that.

Mrs. Peacock:
But look what happened to the cook!

Miss Scarlet:
Why has the car stopped?

Professor Plum:
It's frightened.

Colonel Mustard:
And are you the host?

Wadsworth:
Me, sir? No, I'm just the humble butler.

Colonel Mustard:
And what exactly is it you do here?

Wadsworth:
I buttle, sir.

Mr. Green:
I didn't do it!

Mr. Green:
But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?

Wadsworth:
He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?

Mrs. White:
It's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

Colonel Mustard:
Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlett?

Miss Scarlet:
Sure, I'll eat anything.

Wadsworth:
See? Just like the Mounties, we always get our man.

Mr. Green:
Mrs. Peacock was a man?

Mr. Green:
They all did it. But, if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did-- in the hall, with the revolver. Alright, Chief, take'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Wadsworth:
I can explain everything...

Cop:
You don't have to.

Wadsworth:
I don't?

Cop:
No, there's nothing illegal about any of this.

Wadsworth:
Are you sure?

Cop:
Of course! This is America.

Wadsworth:
I see...

Cop:
It's a free country. Don't you know that?

Wadsworth:
I didn't know it was THAT free.

Wadsworth:
But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

Mrs. White:
But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

Wadsworth:
But he never reappeared.

Mrs. White:
He wasn't a very good illusionist.

Mr. Green:
Who would wanna kill the cook?

Miss Scarlet:
Dinner wasn't that bad.

Colonel Mustard:
How can you make jokes at a time like this?

Miss Scarlet:
It's my defense mechanism.

Colonel Mustard:
Some defense! If I was the killer, I would kill you next.

Colonel Mustard:
I said "if." "If!"

Wadsworth:
Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

Professor Plum:
Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.

Wadsworth:
Then, your work has not changed.

Wadsworth:
A double negative!

Colonel Mustard:
Double negative? You mean you have photographs?

Wadsworth:
That sounds like a confession to me. In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

Colonel Mustard:
Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

Wadsworth:
You don't need any help from me, sir.

Colonel Mustard:
That's right!

Professor Plum:
What are you afraid of? A fate worse than death?

Mrs. Peacock:
No, just death. Isn't that enough?

Mrs. White:
Are you a cop?

Mr. Green:
No, I'm a plant.

Miss Scarlet:
A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

Mr. Green:
Very funny.

Professor Plum:
Is there going to be a cover up?

Wadsworth:
Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?

Professor Plum:
But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murders?

Wadsworth:
Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?

Miss Scarlet:
Communism was just a red herring.

Professor Plum:
What is your top-secret job, Colonel?

Wadsworth:
I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.

Colonel Mustard:
How did you know that?

Wadsworth:
Can you keep a secret?

Colonel Mustard:
Yes...

Wadsworth:
So can I.

Mr. Green:
So it was you. I was going to expose you.

Wadsworth:
I know. So I choose to expose myself.

Colonel Mustard:
Please, there are ladies present.

Mr. Boddy:
In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth-- now.

Wadsworth:
Over my dead body.

Mr. Green:
He couldn't have been dead.

Professor Plum:
He was. At least, I thought he was, but what difference does it make now?

Miss Scarlet:
Makes quite a difference to him.

Mrs. White:
He was always a stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock when he died, but he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and so had his, um... you KNOW.

Mrs. Peacock:
Everything all right?

Colonel Mustard:
Yup, two corpses, everything's fine!

Mrs. Peacock:
What are you all staring at?

Mr. Green:
Nothing.

Mrs. Peacock:
Well who's there?

Colonel Mustard:
Nobody.

Mrs. Peacock:
What do you mean?

Wadsworth:
Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body-- it's gone.

Wadsworth:
The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.

Miss Scarlet:
Oh, come on. You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick.

Wadsworth:
It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.

Miss Scarlet:
That's not six.

Wadsworth:
One plus two plus two plus one.

Miss Scarlet:
Uh-uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one.

Wadsworth:
Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one.

Miss Scarlet:
Okay, fine. One plus two plus one-- SHUT UP! The point is: there is one bullet left in this gun, and guess who's gonna get it?

Wadsworth:
At the beginning of the evening, I was in the hallway. I know because I was there.

Mrs. Peacock:
Oh, whoever it is, they've got to go away or they'll be killed!

Mrs. White:
Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her so... much... it... it... the... it... the... flames... flames... flames... on the side of my face... breathing... breathless... heaving breaths... heaving...

Colonel Mustard:
Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my mother. The shock would've killer her.

Mrs. White:
That would've been quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.

The singing Telegram girl:
I am your singing telegram--

Mrs. White:
Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.

Professor Plum:
And what was your role in all this?

Wadsworth:
I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were

Wadsworth:
Socialists.

Wadsworth:
Well, we all make mistakes.

Wadsworth:
Anyway, Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves.

Wadsworth:
Well, I had to stop her screaming.

Mr. Green:
You're Mr. Boddy.

Professor Plum:
Wait a minute. So who did I kill?

Wadsworth:
My butler.

Professor Plum:
Oh, shucks.

Wadsworth:
He was expendable like all of you. I really am grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there is no evidence against me.

Wadsworth:
Good shot, Green.

Wadsworth:
Oh, VERY good...

The Chief:
Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?

Mrs. Peacock:
What?

The Chief:
Repent. The kingdom of heaven IS at hand.

Miss Scarlet:
You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.

The Chief:
Armageddon is almost upon us.

Professor Plum:
I got news for you - it's already here!

Mrs. Peacock:
Go away.

The Chief:
But your souls are in danger!

Mrs. Peacock:
Our lives our in danger, you beatnik.

Professor Plum:
The door's locked!

Mr. Green:
I KNOW.

Professor Plum:
Then, unlock it!

Mr. Green:
Where's the key?

Wadsworth:
The key is gone!

Professor Plum:
Never mind about the key. Unlock the door!

Mr. Green:
I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!

Mr. Green:
Let us in! Let us in!

Colonel Mustard and Miss Scarlet:
Let us out! Let us out!

Colonel Mustard:
There's still one thing I don't understand.

Mrs. White:
One thing?

Wadsworth:
Yvette, will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he wants? Within reason, that is.

Wadsworth:
Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.

Mrs. White:
Maybe he wasn't dead.

Professor Plum:
He was.

Mrs. White:
We should've made sure.

Mrs. Peacock:
How? By cutting his head off, I suppose.

Mrs. White:
That was uncalled for.

Wadsworth:
...and to make a long story short...

Everyone:
Too late.

Mrs. Peacock:
What does you husband do?

Mrs. White:
Nothing.

Mrs. Peacock:
Nothing?

Mrs. White:
Well, he just lies around on his back all day.

Miss Scarlet:
Sounds like hard work to me.

Colonel Mustard:
What room is this?

Miss Scarlet:
Search me.

Colonel Mustard:
All right.

Miss Scarlet:
Get your mitts off me.

Wadsworth:
Three murders? This is getting serious.

The Motorist:
Where is it?

Wadsworth:
What? The body?

The Motorist:
The phone. What body?

Wadsworth:
No body. I mean, nobody. There is nobody in the study.

Colonel Mustard:
How did you know?

Wadsworth:
This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along.

Mr. Green:
So you could be the murderer.

Wadsworth:
Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?

Colonel Mustard:
It must be the murderer.

Mr. Green:
Why would HE scream?

Professor Plum:
Why don't we start while it's still hot.

Mrs. Peacock:
Oh now, shouldn't we wait for the other guest?

Yvette:
I vil keep sumsing varm for him.

Miss Scarlet:
What did you have in mind, dear?

Mrs. White:
Oh my! Nobody can get into THAT position.

Professor Plum:
Sure they can. Let me show you.

Mrs. White:
Get off me!

Cop:
Uh, can I use your phone?

Wadsworth:
Of course you can sir! There's a phone in the loun... no. But I think you could use the one in the stud... no. Uh, would you be kind enough to wait in the... the library?

Miss Scarlet:
Well to be perfectly frank, I run a specialised hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.

Professor Plum:
Oh yeah?

Professor Plum:
What's the phone number?

Wadsworth:
And then the gong struck the cook!

Col. Mustard:
I prefer Kipling myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?

Miss Scarlet:
Sure, I'll eat anything.

Wadsworth:
I'm merely a humble butler.

Col. Mustard:
What exactly do you do?

Wadsworth:
I buttle, sir.

Mrs. White:
I didn't kill him.

Col. Mustard:
Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

Mrs. White:
I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. A lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

Miss Scarlet:
Why would he wanna kill you in public?

Wadsworth:
I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

Col. Mustard:
Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

Wadsworth:
You don't need any help from me, sir.

Col. Mustard:
That's right!

[after catching Mrs. Peacock in the second ending]

Wadsworth:
You see, like the Mounties. We always get our man!

Mr. Green:
Mrs. Peacock was a man?!

[Colonel Mustard and Wadsworth each slap him]

Wadsworth:
Would anyone care for fruit or dessert?

[In the third ending]

Professor Plum:
It must've been Mr. Green who shot the singing telegram!

Mr. Green:
I didn't do it!

Col. Mustard:
Well, there's nobody else left!

Mr. Green:
But I didn't do it! The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun shot the girl!

[Wadsworth draws the gun]

Wadsworth:
I shot her.

Col. Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mrs. White, Ms. Scarlet, Prof. Plum:
You?!

Mr. Green:
So it was you. I was going to expose you.

Wadsworth:
I know. So I choose to expose myself.

Col. Mustard:
Please! There are ladies present.

Wadsworth:
You thought Mr. Boddy was dead, but why? None of you even met him until tonight.

Mr. Green:
You're Mr. Boddy!

[Wadsworth grins and laughs]

Prof. Plum:
Wait a minute! So who did I kill?

Wadsworth:
My butler.

Prof. Plum:
Oh, shucks.

Wadsworth:
He was expendable, like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me.

Mrs. White:
This all has nothing to do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband or Colonel Mustard's work on the new top secret fusion bomb?

Wadsworth:
No. Communism is just a red herring.

Mr. Green:
But the police will be here any minute. You'll never get away with this, any of you.

Wadsworth:
Why should the police come? Nobody's called them.

Mrs. Peacock:
You mean-- Oh, my God! Of course!

Wadsworth:
So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened.

Mr. Green:
And you'll just- just go on blackmailing us all.

Wadsworth:
Of course. Why not?

Mr. Green:
Well, I'll tell you why not.

[he draws a revolver, and shoots Wadsworth; Wadsworth drops his gun]

Wadsworth:
Oh, good shot, Green! [slumps to the floor, reaches a hand inside his coat, and looks at the blood on his fingers] And very good.

Mrs. White:
Are you a cop?

Mr. Green:
No, I'm a plant.

Ms. Scarlet:
A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

Mr. Green:
Very funny. [displays a badge in his wallet] FBI. That call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me. [heads to the front door] I told you I didn't do it!

[he opens the front door and the police rush in]

Chief:
All right, who done it?

[Mustard, White, Scarlet, Peacock and Plum all start arguing.]

Mr. Green:
They all did it! But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did, in the hall, with the revolver. Okay, Chief, take 'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.