Columbo

[repeated line]

Columbo:
Oh, there's just one more thing...

2nd Protester:
Why the big interest?

Lt. Columbo:
I'm fuzz.

2nd Protester:
That's cool.

Kura:
[Watching the King board a plane] There's something of the father in the son, eh, Hassan?

Hassan Salah:
There's something of his father in many of us, Hajj, but the throne makes the man, not the blood.

Lt. Columbo:
[looking at a picture of Habib] The fact is he doesn't look like much of a murderer. You know, after fifteen years in this business, I can still look at a person sometimes and say to myself, "He can't be the murderer."

Hassan Salah:
And are you often right?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, 20% or so, if that. Not too many times.

Hassan Salah:
A child tries; a man accomplishes.

Guard:
No one is allowed to pass.

Lt. Columbo:
I know. That's what the other three guards told me, but I'd like to look around.

Xenia:
I gave Youseff this mug. You see the inscription here?

Lt. Columbo:
What does it say?

Xenia:
I'd rather not translate, Lieutenant. It's, uh... earthy humor.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh.

Xenia:
Each afternoon, Youseff would join our coffee break and tell us unrepeatable stories. It was his way, and we loved him very much.

Lt. Columbo:
[as Hassan removes an exquisite vase form the lieutenant's hands] This is a beautiful piece, sir. You know, we have one just like this back on the dining room table in our house. Almost the same design.

Hassan Salah:
Uh, this is third century; it's worth several thousand dollars.

Lt. Columbo:
No kidding. You know, I think my wife got ours at the farmer's market. Well, I guess ours is just a copy.

Lt. Columbo:
Mr. Salah, I have made a discovery that you are going to find emotionally disturbing. I want you to be prepared for that.

Hassan Salah:
I can tell you, Lieutenant, in strictest confidence, of course, this envelope contains certain material which, in the wrong hands, cold lead to the overthrow of my king.

Hassan Salah:
A thousand pardons, you majesty, but the man is a simple man, the lieutenant, and he is not used to our ways.

The King:
Yeah, but I like him, Hassan. You say "our ways," but you mean YOUR ways.

Hassan Salah:
The ways of your father and his father before him.

The King:
There is a place for tradition, Hassan, but we must learn to live in this world as neighbors. We can not be blind to the changes happening all around us.

Xenia:
His majesty thought you might like something while you're waiting.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh. His majesty himself?

Xenia:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that's very thoughtful for a busy man. Imagine that.

Kermit Morgan:
It is in the best interest of our government if there are no further contacts between yourself and Secretary Salah.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that''s all very well and good except for one thing.

Capt. August:
What is that, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
He's the murderer.

Kermit Morgan:
[to Columbo] I like a man who espouses the pragmatic view, Lieutenant.

Kermit Morgan:
[to Capt. August] Thank you, Captain.

Capt. August:
Yes, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
[after Morgan leaves] What'd he say?

Capt. August:
[thinking about it] Don't make waves.

Hassan Salah:
Your presence here is a diplomatic affront. If you do not leave the legation in five minutes, I shall see that you are removed from the Los Angeles Police Department.

Lt. Columbo:
I've solved the murder, sir.

Hassan Salah:
What?

Lt. Columbo:
I think we should talk about it right away.

Lt. Columbo:
A security man could only get hit by someone who didn't alarm him, someone that he knew and trusted, someone who could catch him off-guard.

Charles Whelan:
[watching a rat in a maze] He looks just like one of my junior editors!

Dr. Anita Borden:
We call her Willy.

Charles Whelan:
Sorry, I don't have a Willy.

Sergeant George Kramer:
You got a European car?

Columbo:
That's a French car. Yeah, my car's a French car.

Columbo:
What kind of place is this? What do they do here?

Dr. Anita Borden:
You really wanna know? Basically, we're concerned with the measurement and manipulation of human behavior - at all levels.

Columbo:
Can we talk off the record, sir?

Man doctor at party:
You know, I find this absolutely fascinating. Do you have, uh, an interesting investigation you've been involved with? We'd love to hear about something like that.

Second man doctor at party:
Yeah!

Woman Doctor at Party:
Yeah!

Columbo:
I think that the most interesting investigation is always the one that you're working on at the moment.

Columbo:
I've seen a lot of pictures of people jumping off of buildings. I never saw one naked.

Dr. Mark Collier:
Brace yourself, Chuck, it's the law.

Charles Whelan:
You're kidding.

David Morris:
Always pack a bulky sweater and some heavy underwear. Even in the spring, the mountains can get pretty cold at night.

Columbo:
The eyewitness is you.

Carl Donner:
[to Collier] I know my wife, doctor, and the trash she's attracted to.

Dr. Mark Collier:
[to Columbo] You know something, Lieutenant? You're a marvelously deceptive man. You know, the way you get to the point without really getting to the point.

Doyle:
[to Columbo about the corpse] Good-looking broad except for the, uh, marks around her neck.

Mark Halperin:
[to his wife] Darling, if you're embarrassed by all your millions, why don't you just sign them over to me? They wouldn't embarrass me in the least.

Columbo:
Mrs. Fernandez dusted the whole house - wax, polish, everything - including the bedroom. Now, the fingerprint people, they checked the handle on the closet door. Your wife's prints weren't on it. What I can't figure out is: How did she open the door and take out the nightgown without leaving any prints?

Margaret Halperin:
My money. My inheritance.

Mark Halperin:
Wrong, darling. MY inheritance.

Police Pilot:
A little early in the evening for this burglar, isn't it, Commissioner?

Mark Halperin:
You never know, Pete. Clocks don't mean a thing in an empty house, you know.

Columbo:
You must have a lot of those, sir.

Mark Halperin:
What?

Columbo:
Gut feelings.

Mark Halperin:
What're you talking about?

Columbo:
Well, you had a gut feeling last night.

Mark Halperin:
I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean "last night?"

Columbo:
When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.

Mark Halperin:
Yes?

Columbo:
I found out that you asked for me when you first called in.

Mark Halperin:
I did.

Columbo:
What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before, yet from your bedroom window, when you called in, you asked for me. No, I was just trying to figure out how you knew that the woman was already dead.

Columbo:
I, uh, I looked at her body, and right away I saw on her finger the biggest diamond ring I ever saw in my life. Now, I gotta ask myself this question: What kind of burglar robs a house and leaves a ring like that on the victim's finger?

Columbo:
No, sir, we're looking for somebody else. We're looking for somebody... somebody who tried to make a murder look like a burglary.

Columbo:
Commisioner, I believe you killed your wife, and I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.

Mark Halperin:
You just lost your badge, my friend.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, I think my wife was right. Something wrong with me. Supposed to be on vacation, and right away I'm thinking like a cop. That's called, uh, occupational hazard.

Jaime:
"Occupational hazard?" Uh, what is that?

Lt. Columbo:
That's, uh, when wherever you go you take your work with you.

Jaime:
Oh, I see. Uh, we call that "loco."

Commandant Sanchez:
I hope you understand, Luis, that, uh, the lieutenant here is here as my guest. He has no official status.

Luis Montoya:
So inquisitive. I find him amusing.

[Lt. Columbo recommends Commandante Sanchez order an autopsy on Hector Rangel]

Commandant Sanchez:
Lieutenant, I can see the newspapers: "Don Luis Montoya, the Idol of Mexico, a Murder Suspect?"

Lt. Columbo:
That's your problem. I'm just a tourist here.

Commandant Sanchez:
Yeah, that's my problem. You know, a policeman who jeopardizes his pension, he must be loco, right?

Lt. Columbo:
[referring to bullfighting] I don't know how you fight those things to make a living.

Luis Montoya:
It's more than a living, Lieutenant. It's a way of life.

Lt. Columbo:
I'll tell you the truth, uh, I don't think I would enjoy watching a man kill an animal like that, as big and as mean as he is.

Luis Montoya:
Perhaps you do enjoy the spectacle of two men in the prize ring beating each other senseless, or murdering an innocent deer with a rifle, or catching a fish with another one which is still alive. Our culture is different than yours, Lieutenant. No better or worse, perhaps, but, uh, different.

Commandant Sanchez:
If there is a crime here, I want to get to the bottom of it. Better yet, I would like YOU to get to the bottom of it.

Lt. Columbo:
Me?

Commandant Sanchez:
Montoya must have a motive.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, every man has a motive.

Lt. Columbo:
May I ask you a personal question, sir?

Luis Montoya:
Oh, by all means.

Lt. Columbo:
Did you injure your leg in the bullring?

Luis Montoya:
[nodding] On the Plaza Del Toros, Mexico. It was the wound that ended my career. And, ironically, it wasn't even the bull I was supposed to fight. You see, I was appearing mano a mano with a young matador who froze, and the bull gored him. I jumped to his rescue, and I, too, was gored. Badly. Here. They tried to take me to the infirmary along with the young matador, but I refused to go. Despite the blood flowing from my wound, I stayed in the ring and I did one of the best faenas of my career. I killed the bull with one thrust. The people loved it! They stood up and gave me an electrifying ovation. Two ears and a tail! That was my last fight.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that must have taken a lot of courage, sir.

Miguel:
You know, my name is Miguel Hernandez, very well known to everybody, even to the bulls.

Miguel:
But the patr?n was kind enough to give me a bottle of mescal, and I had a very pleasant afternoon, but today I have a headache, se?or.

Miguel:
You know, it is funny, se?or, in a desert like this, sometimes you see the rain but only over there in the mountains. It never gets here.

Lt. Columbo:
[to Sanchez] Yes, I can see that, but it's important to be thorough - especially when a man dies alone.

Lt. Columbo:
[to Sanchez] No, the bull was the murder weapon, sir, like a gun.

Luis Montoya:
There are no buts.

Commandant Sanchez:
I have to go, Lieutenant. There's been a terrible accident out at the Montoya Ranch. Maybe you'd like to accompany me? We could talk on the way over.

Lt. Columbo:
My wife is waiting at the hotel.

Commandant Sanchez:
All right. I understand. You know, I was thinking that, uh, maybe we could speed up the paperwork on your accident - but, of course, you have to go to your wife, that's all.

Lt. Columbo:
That sounds like blackmail.

Commandant Sanchez:
Lieutenant, would I do such a thing to a fellow police officer?

Commandant Sanchez:
A bull like Marinaro, how much he worth?

Luis Montoya:
$8,000 - more with inflation.

Lt. Columbo:
Seems like a valuable piece of property to destroy without permission.

Luis Montoya:
You see, my cows are very aggressive, Lieutenant. That's why they breed such brave bulls.

Lt. Columbo:
Let's start with small things. Let's finish our coffee.

Lt. Columbo:
Actually, I thought if I got the chance I'd like to come out here one more time before I left. I'm fascinated by everything out here, but I don't want to be a pest.

Luis Montoya:
Oh, not at all, Lieutenant. You're welcome here anytime.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, thank you very much, sir. I've been fascinated by everything I've seen out here and I still think there's a lot to learn.

Lt. Columbo:
Is that the autopsy?

Commandant Sanchez:
That's the weather report.

Lt. Columbo:
[trying to read it] It's in Spanish.

Commandant Sanchez:
Yes, I know that. The people at the weather bureau speak it very well.

Lt. Columbo:
I'll tell you the truth. I got a crazy notion I know why Rangel was killed.

Commandant Sanchez:
What?

Lt. Columbo:
Trouble is I don't think anybody's gonna believe me.

Luis Montoya:
I am sorry, Lieutenant. I have tried to be gracious; I have answered all your questions; my courtesy has been rewarded with accusation. I must ask you to leave my house and not return.

Jaime:
[regarding a piece of splintered wood] That is not from a pick, se?or. That is from a lance.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, what's the difference?

Jaime:
The picks are used in the ring. They have metal tips to wound the bull, lower his head.

Lt. Columbo:
And the lance?

Jaime:
They are used in the fields by the vaqueros for herding. They are made of pine, not so strong.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, now I'm puzzled.

Lt. Columbo:
What is this "pinchazo in the glodio?"

Commandant Sanchez:
[correcting] "Gluteo." That's a puncture in the buttocks.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, did the bull get him there, too?

Luis Montoya:
[losing control before Columbo] If you understood the first thing about bullfighting, you would not question Hector's death.

Lt. Columbo:
That's some baby!

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.

Lt. Columbo:
[after shovelling down a load of cheese, cold meat and crab] Do you have anything for an upset stomach?

Lt. Columbo:
You must be a terrific surgeon.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Well... Dr. Hidemann and I DO share a mutual respect.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, that. Oh, yeah, he must think you're very good. No, actually, Doctor, I was referring to your great concentration.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Well, how is that, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, when I came in, you see, you were getting the news of your nurse's death on the phone - I could see you were terribly upset - but while you were on the phone, you reset your desk clock.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Well, I fail to see the virtue in that.

Lt. Columbo:
Aw, you're too modest, Doc. No, most people, they'd be in such a state of shock, they'd never be able to split their concentration like that, the way you did, setting your clock there.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, I feel uncomfortable.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
In what way?

Lt. Columbo:
In hospitals, around illness, I, uh... I feel kind of queasy.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Well, that's not uncommon, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
I know. Uh, I faint. I mean, I actually pass out, and in my line of work that's kind of embarrassing. Is there, uh... is there something that I can do for that?

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
There's only one sure-fire cure, Lieutenant: stay out of hospitals as much as possible.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
[finding Columbo at a buffet table] Collecting evidence, Lieutenant, or just being sociable?

Lt. Columbo:
You know, that cleaning woman just now? You know, she said something strange to me. She said she saw Sharon Martin, and she was upset AFTER the operation.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
I'm afraid I don't understand.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, it just seems kind of funny, doesn't it, I mean, since it was so successful that she'd still be upset?

Lt. Columbo:
Why would a left-handed man give himself a shot in his left arm?

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Lieutenant Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence, you have perception, you have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.

Lt. Columbo:
Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
You'll be all right, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.

Nurse Morgan:
Uh, please put out your cigar.

Dr. Edmund Hidemann:
No, don't put it out.

Nurse Morgan:
This is still a sick room, Doctor.

Dr. Edmund Hidemann:
I know what it is. I also know it's the first human thing I smelled in two days, including your antiseptic presence.

Lt. Columbo:
You ask tough questions, Doc.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
So does a jury.

Lt. Columbo:
That'll be good, you and me together, Pat. Three eyes are better than one.

Clifford Calvert:
Am I a suspect?

Lt. Columbo:
[Responding to the utterly bald Calvert] Oh no, sir, no. This is just routine. I have to file some kind of a report. So you'll just answer a couple of questions, I'll be outta your hair. [pause, as he notices angry glare from Calvert] Sorry, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
Gee, I've got a dozen stops to make. You know, the first day of a homicide investigation, you wouldn't believe it. It's murder.

Oscar Finch:
[Refering to Columbo's Puegot] That oxidated relic is yours?

Oscar Finch:
[laughing at Columbo] You know, uh, you're rather subtle for, uh, a man who seems so, uh, overt!

Paul Mackey:
I would hate to think there was any suspicion or innuendo about me!

Lt. Columbo:
I would too, sir.

Oscar Finch:
He didn't have a hope in hell, so I told the guy to get lost. And, boy, did he ever.

Frank Staplin:
I need a favor, Oscar.

Oscar Finch:
Forget it.

Lt. Columbo:
"There was this Jewish lady walking down Beverly Drive, and coming the other way, this flasher guy in his overcoat. When he gets up to her, he whips open the coat. She looks at him and says, 'You call that a lining?'"

Columbo:
Thank you very much, ma'am. You've been very helpful.

Columbo:
Oh, Mr. Janus, just one more thing, please.

[last lines]

Columbo:
You tried to contrive a perfect alibi, sir, and it's your perfect alibi that's gonna hang you.

Milo:
My markup is very small. But I have to maintain quality. That's what gives me control.

Gene:
I didn't spend eighteen years as corporate controller for nothing, and I can smell film-flam right down to the paper clips you make me buy.

Milo:
He won't find anything, and in eight months I'm going to be in my villa overlooking the Adriatic with two million in Swiss francs to keep me warm.

Milo:
What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?

Columbo:
This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.

Columbo:
I'll tell you how you did it if you're interested.

Columbo:
[rummaging through his bag for evidence] Just, uh, bear with me, sir.

[he pulls out a saran-wrapped lump of something]

Columbo:
Uh, that's my lunch. That doesn't mean nothing.

Jessica Conroy:
[after Milo leans in to kiss her... and she enjoys it] You know, there's one thing that bothers me about you.

Milo:
What's that?

Jessica Conroy:
You're a little unsure of yourself.

Milo:
I'm very unsure. But I'm encouraged by your response. [smiles]

Columbo:
[early in the morning after arriving at the crime scene with a thermos full of coffee] You know, before coffee, I'm up, I'm walking around, but I'm not awake. [grunts]

Milo:
Buddy is as honest as I am. [vouching for employee with a criminal record of fraud attempting to cover up the murder he committed]

Milo:
[Ruth, angry that Milo has made a pass at her, starts to leave the restaurant] Where you going?

Ruth Stafford:
Out!

[She throws a glass of wine in Milo's face]

Columbo:
Anybody here have brown soles or brown heels?

Columbo:
[on the phone] Hello? What're you doing up? You know what time it is? It's... um...

Columbo:
[calls out] DOES ANYBODY HAVE THE TIME?

Voice from other room:
It's 6:30

Columbo:
[into the phone] It's 6:30. I'm not yelling.

Columbo:
[on the phone with his wife] I'm gonna hang up. You can keep talkin' but I'm gonna hang up.

Columbo:
Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer.

Columbo:
I stopped by your place. Your housekeeper told me you were down here swimming.

Milo:
Twenty minutes a day. You ought to try it, Columbo.

Columbo:
No, I'm afraid not, sir. I can't swim. I don't even like a deep tub.

Milo:
Every cent I make I reinvest into the company. When I make money, you make money.

Milo:
You know something, Columbo? You're a devious man.

Columbo:
That's what they tell me.

Buddy Castle:
Listen, if I had any scruples, do you think I'd be in this racket?

Columbo:
My handwriting is so bad, sometimes I think I should've been a doctor.

Adrian Carsini:
Titian would have gone mad trying to mix so beautiful a red. And he would have failed dismally in the attempt.

Adrian Carsini:
May our enemies never be as happy as we are at this moment.

Adrian Carsini:
I guess, uh, freedom is purely relative.

Adrian Carsini:
[to Karen] I dislike sending telegrams, or receiving them. There's something about a telegram that makes one feel that some kind of tragedy has occurred.

Karen Fielding:
Do we really need it, Mr. Carsini?

Adrian Carsini:
Nobody really needs a $5000 bottle of wine, Karen. I just don't want anybody else to have it.

Columbo:
[to Ric's fianc?e] You two didn't have a fight or anything, did yuh?

Joan Stacey:
No, but...

Columbo:
Maybe he got cold feet. That's been known to happen. Was he married before?

Joan Stacey:
Three times.

Columbo:
Three times. I guess his feet are warm enough by now.

Officer:
[seeing Columbo's unlit cigar] Hey-ay, can I light that for you?

Columbo:
No, no thanks. Tryin' to cut down. All I do is chew 'em lately.

Officer:
Why don't you chew a cheaper cigar?

Columbo:
I don't want to cut down on my standard of living.

Columbo:
[Become dizzy after standing up] Oh, boy!

Adrian Carsini:
You all right?

Columbo:
I didn't realize I drank that much. Whatta ya call that stuff?

Adrian Carsini:
Cabernet sauvignon.

Columbo:
I usually don't drink anything I can't pronounce, but I can see I got a lot to learn. First thing I gotta learn is how to hold my cabernet sauvignon.

Columbo:
I'm still a little hung over from Mr. Carsini's Cabernet, uh, what-cha-ma-call-it.

Adrian Carsini:
Would you care for a sip of the wine that made Carsini famous?

Enrico Guiseppe Carsini:
I'd rather have some wine that made Carsini rich.

Adrian Carsini:
Our father was a good man, a good Italian; he provided the wine. My mother was English; she provided the breeding. Your mother, on the other hand, appears to have been responsible for all the courser sides of your nature.

Adrian Carsini:
The sixty-nine-cents-a-gallon Marino Brothers? They don't make wine! They don't even make good mouthwash!

Columbo:
Did it rain last Tuesday?

Bartender:
Mister, I can't remember what happened this morning.

Columbo:
Uh, excuse me. My name is Lt. Columbo, I'm with the Los Angeles Police Department, and I need a little help. Uh, can anybody here tell me - did it rain last Tuesday?

Karen Fielding:
I must have your name.

Columbo:
Why would you want my name when you have such a nice name yourself?

Columbo:
He allowed YOU to decant the claret?

Falcon:
Yes. I was honored.

Columbo:
Man needs a very steady hand for that.

Falcon:
[laughs] Oh, yes. Very steady.

Columbo:
How can you tell a good wine from an average wine?

Frenchman:
By, uh... the price.

Adrian Carsini:
Why were you assigned to the case? I mean, you're-you're in homicide, aren't you?

Columbo:
I just go where they tell me to, sir.

Adrian Carsini:
Well, doesn't look right to me. It looks like they, uh... they suspect someone of, uh, foul play.

Columbo:
Well, maybe they do, sir, but you certainly don't have anything to worry about. You were three thousand miles away at the time of his death, right?

Adrian Carsini:
Right.

Columbo:
[as his dinner guests are served Ferrier Vintage Port, 1945] Drinks all around.

Adrian Carsini:
This is dreadful. Don't you realize that a great wine is like a great work of art? It has to be nurtured, it has to be taken care of. You have subjected this port to a temperature in excess of 150 degrees. Such disdain can not and must not be tolerated!

Adrian Carsini:
Do you think I'm gonna sit by and let some muscle-bound hedonist throw me out of what is rightfully mine?

Enrico Guiseppe Carsini:
[laughing] Hey, come on. Don't worry. You'll be taken care of. I'm sure the Marino Brothers will let you lick the labels of their new carbonated ros?.

Adrian Carsini:
You're an Italian, aren't you?

Columbo:
Uh, yes, sir, on both sides.

Adrian Carsini:
Well, you should know about good wine. It goes with the heritage.

Columbo:
Well, I guess I kind of messed up in that department. I'm gonna tell ya somethin' else - uh, I'm probably the only Italian in the world who can't sing either.

Adrian Carsini:
I think you're really gonna like this wine. It's a...

Columbo:
Oh, don't tell me. Let me guess.

[sips wine]

Columbo:
Sensitive breeding. Rich bouquet. Strong vinosity. Well, it's a Burgundy; I'm just not sure whether it's a Pinot Noir or a Gamay.

Bo Williamson:
[to Markham] Lemme tell you, nobody throws a lasso around my money without my consent, and that includes my wife, and you had better believe it!

Bo Williamson:
I'm gonna tell you somethin', Jackson Boy: my wallet is a lot more important to me than my name.

Elliot Markham:
[as Columbo enters] Ah, the omnipresent constable!

Columbo:
Ya see, I figured you had the body somewhere, but what you really wanted was a fool-proof hiding place. Now what's better than a place that's already been searched - and at considerable cost and my embarrassment?

Columbo:
Uh, the point is this, Mrs. Williamson...

Goldie Williamson:
My friends call me Goldie, and since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend.

Columbo:
Would you mind repeating that last sentence? I don't think I quite understood.

Goldie Williamson:
I said, since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend - and my friends call me Goldie.

Bo Williamson:
You really would like to see me dead, wouldn't ya? Well, I'll tell you somethin'. It wouldn't count for much.

Elliot Markham:
Well, maybe your wife will have other ideas.

Bo Williamson:
No, no. It don't mean a thing because, you see, when I die, all of my money goes into trust. Oh, Jennifer will get her share every year - you can count on that - but there won't be any cash to build cities with.

Jennifer Williamson:
Lieutenant, I may not be the brightest lady in the world, but I do know whether I made a phone call or not.

Doctor:
Are you looking for something?

Columbo:
Uh, do you have a lighter?

Doctor:
You won't find one here, Lieutenant. And let me give you some free medical advise: stop smoking those things.

Columbo:
Well, I-I've been trying.

Doctor:
Trying isn't good enough. Remember, I deal in pacemakers.

Elliot Markham:
Lieutenant, anybody ever tell you you're very much like an arachnid?

Columbo:
A what?

Elliot Markham:
A tick. They're quite common but excessively tenacious. They hang on. They let go only under extreme prodding.

Elliot Markham:
Lieutenant, I want you to know I admire you.

Columbo:
Oh, really?

Elliot Markham:
You got the courage of your conviction. That's an admirable trait - misdirected as it may be.

Columbo:
Carnegie Hall and Nashville - they don't mix.

Soap Opera Director:
Okay... homeless people, go home!

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Some problems with geometry, Miller?

Boodle Boy:
Yes, sir, but my grades are better this quarter, sir.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Work on them, Miller. Geometry is logic and logic is the battlefield of adulthood.

Boodle Boy:
Yes, sir.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Dismissed.

Boodle Boy:
Yes,sir.

Lt. Columbo:
I guess boys will be boys.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Boys WILL be boys, Lieutenant, but someone's gotta turn 'em into men.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
This country is going to have the best damn army in the world!

Lt. Columbo:
You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Beware of an excess of compassion, Lieutenant.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
A word to the wise, Loomis: beware of a misplaced sense of justice.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
A difference of opinion between men can sometimes happen.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Don't you expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again tomorrow.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Do you have a first name?

Lt. Columbo:
I do. My wife is about the only one that uses it.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
[to Columbo] Well, we have - we have similar jobs in a way. I wear a uniform, you wear, uh...

[glances at Columbo's disheveled appearance]

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
...suppose you could call that a uniform...

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
The elusive cider has finally materialized!

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Officer, you may wish to, uh, detain this man. He refuses to leave the area.

Police Sergeant:
This man is Lt. Columbo, sir. He's in charge of the investigation.

Lt. Columbo:
Let me ask you something. Jeez, I hope this doesn't sound foolish.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
There're not so many people want to be soldiers these days.

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Um, if I pass the butter, will you promise to explain to me why the conversation was unsatisfactory?

Lt. Columbo:
ALL CADETS, REMAIN WHERE YOU ARE!

Col. Lyle C. Rumford:
Lieutenant, what the hell's going on here?

[Columbo's car has been repaired. He's presented with the bill]

Lt. Columbo:
That much, huh?

Shelly:
Wasn't the parts so much as the time it took. It's not easy to work on a car in that condition.

Lt. Columbo:
Will you take a check?

Shelly:
You haven't got a credit card?

Lt. Columbo:
I'm from the... uh... police. Lieutenant Columbo... uh. [He struggles to get out his I.D]

Shelly:
What, are you... uh... undercover or something?

Lt. Columbo:
No, I'm underpaid.

[Campaign manager Harry Stone insists that Congressional candidate Nelson Hayward leave his mistress]

Nelson Hayward:
Harry, I need her!

Harry Stone:
You don't need anybody but me! You can get rid of anybody but me, because I know where the bodies are buried, Nels. I buried 'em for you!

Lt. Columbo:
Evening, Commissioner.

Deputy Commissioner:
You're late, Lieutenant.

Vickie Hayward:
Sometimes you frighten me.

Nelson Hayward:
What are you talking about?

Vickie Hayward:
That act you put on.

Nelson Hayward:
Act?

Vickie Hayward:
Mm-hmm, when you heard about Harry's being dead.

Nelson Hayward:
I was shocked!

Vickie Hayward:
That's what frightens me! You were so convincing. I know how you despised him!

Nelson Hayward:
Uh, excuse me, Lieutenant, don't misunderstand. You're a very nice man, I like you very much, but I would hate to have to depend upon you if I was in a hurry for something.

Lt. Columbo:
Geez, you know that's what my wife says...

Nelson Hayward:
I'm sure she does. Get to the point, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Right.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, isn't it funny the way people react under the stress of a situation?

[Lt. Columbo wants to talk with Hayward but doesn't want to "inconvenience" him]

Nelson Hayward:
No, no, no, no... let's understand something, Lieutenant: You see, you think I'm reluctant to talk to you, but you're wrong. I will talk to you as often as you want, for as long as you want, about anything you want.

Lt. Columbo:
[taken aback] Oh. Oh, fine.

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, this other thing is a genuine puzzle. I don't see any answer to this one.

Nelson Hayward:
Well, maybe I can help you.

Lt. Columbo:
Let's hope so, sir.

Nelson Hayward:
For your sake, or mine?

[Columbo remains silent]

Lt. Columbo:
So far, sir, we don't have a thing.

Nelson Hayward:
Well, that's heartening.

Lt. Columbo:
Officially, that is.

Nelson Hayward:
And unofficially?

Lt. Columbo:
Unofficially, we don't have anything either.

Nelson Hayward:
Why, Lieutenant, are you considering a change of wardrobe?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, no, no. Oh, every once in a while I think about getting a new coat, but there's no rush on that, sir. There's still a lot of wear in this fellow. [pats trench coat]

Lt. Columbo:
Would you believe it? The first thing I did this morning when I left your campaign headquarters, I run right over to your tailor's.

Nelson Hayward:
I'm sure he was delighted. He loves a challenge.

Lt. Columbo:
Whattaya mean, sir?

Nelson Hayward:
Uh, nothin'. It's a small joke.

Lt. Columbo:
Murder's always depressin', but you get over it.

Vickie Hayward:
[Sarcastically to Nelson] Don't tell me a little thing like Harry's getting murdered's enough to make you sleep at home tonight?

Lt. Columbo:
I dug this bullet outta that wall three hours before you said that somebody fired it at you three minutes ago.

Dr. Perenchio:
Take my advice, Lieutenant. Change your name, and don't bite down on anything hard.

Nelson Hayward:
Come on. Let's go to bed.

Vickie Hayward:
Is that invitation social or just a professional courtesy?

Harris:
You ever, uh, consider getting another car?

Lt. Columbo:
I got another car. My wife drives it, but that's nothin' special. Just transportation.

Nelson Hayward:
Someone is trying to kill me. Now, that is a fact, isn't it? I don't know what the police are up to. Harry was killed driving my car in my clothes and in my garage. Do I have to get gunned down in the streets before anybody believes it?

Budd Clarke:
[Choking to death from poisoned cigarette,] I can't breathe. Help me.

Wade Anders:
[Smiling] I told you those things were gonna kill ya.

Columbo:
[to Budd Clarke's dog] Oh, you're a girl! Gee, you have more life in you than my dog.

Columbo:
My niece's green thumb couldn't make hedges grow that fast.

Columbo:
[on set for a TV award ceremony] Can you tell me something? Is Roseanne Barr here?

Sir Harry Matthews:
I've always found cigar smokers to be clear thinkers. The better the cigar, the better the thinking.

Lt. Columbo:
[looking at a lot of beautiful women in bathing suits] I must say, sir; these girls have their health.

Sean Brantley:
You've read many mystery stories, Columbo?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, no, sir. I never read them. I tried. I can't figure them out. Even after the detective lays it all out at the end.

Sean Brantley:
[Sarcastically] I could believe that.

Sean Brantley:
[to Columbo] Stop it! Stop playing games! Come out from behind that cigar smoke of yours!

Dian Hunter:
Don't "sweetheart" me. And wipe that silly, smirking little-boy grin off your face.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, there's no point in denying that there was trouble between you.

Lt. Columbo:
You used me to get a lot of free publicity. You made a fool out of me. But I gotta hand it to you, you did it well.

Lt. Columbo:
The end of a perfect day.

Lt. Columbo:
[to Dian] You know that every "nymph of the month" resembles you in some way.

Sir Harry Matthews:
These cigars are worth $6 an inch.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh well in that case sir, I don't need this second one. I already had two in the helicopter.

Sir Harry Matthews:
[grabs a handful] Then I insist you have a lot more.

Lt. Columbo:
You put me in the position of the boy who cried wolf.

Cooper Redman:
This is pretty scary stuff.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I tell you, sometimes it can be a pretty scary world.

Cooper Redman:
Your father's pretty wacky.

Justin Rowe:
Yeah, he's a sick man. I hate him.

Lt. Columbo:
I know what you asked and I'm trying to avoid the question.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, sometimes, when you know something, it's better to keep it to yourself. You don't have to blab everything right away. Wait. Who knows what will happen? Timing. That's important. And lucky. You got to be lucky.

Valet:
[Handing Columbo the keys] Your car, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
[Puzzled] How'd you know it was mine?

Valet:
[Smiling] Ah, just a lucky guess.

Lt. Columbo:
Always remember it's a trick. Keep that in mind and you can figure out how it's done.

Max Dyson:
'Elliot Blake?' I've been reading about you. European journals. When did you change your name?

Elliott Blake:
When I got out, Max. Three years after you.

Max Dyson:
A hundred and twenty degrees in the shade, or an afternoon of poker in the Ugandan prison.

Elliott Blake:
I read that in your book, 'Dyson on Mind Reading.' You're giving away our secrets, Max.

Max Dyson:
We survivied the African slammer, together. You were a very good student.

Elliott Blake:
Why not? You taught me everything you know. Everything I know.

Elliott Blake:
The third card after a wavy line is always false. How many times have we been through this?

Dr. Paula Hall:
I'm sorry, Elliott. I - I tried.

Elliott Blake:
'Try' to understand; there's a precision to all this, and it starts with the premise that you will lose your institute unless you please the military and Mr. Harrow. Do you think you pleased them, Paula?

Dr. Paula Hall:
No, not yet.

Elliott Blake:
Not yet, because you gave them 74% accuracy when you and I agreed to set a level of 86%.

Dr. Paula Hall:
Right! We'll rehearse it... [picks up ESP cards] again. The first answer after the square is always true, unless there's an intervening circle, and the second answer after a wavy line is always false, unless that wavy line itself is false... or is it true? [throws cards at Elliott] God, I don't know anymore! So much for our scientific study of extrasensory perception.

Elliott Blake:
Our Mr. Harrow is not impressed by statistics. This man is in the market for miracles. I have the power to astonish him, you, and the entire world, Paula, but I am NOT a dancing dog in a carnival!

Dr. Paula Hall:
[referring to Mr. Harrow] Elliott, he will be back tomorrow. We have to show him more. God, we never should have started this!

Elliott Blake:
We "started this" for you. To maintain your funding, my dearest doctor.

Mr. Harrow:
The Soviet Union is deeply engaged in psychic research for intelligence purposes. Now, either they're a pack of fools, or we're missing a very important vet. Take a position, Dr. Hall.

Dr. Paula Hall:
Our position is obvious, Mr. Harrow. In terms of practical results, Elliott's scores are the highest ever recorded at this institute.

Mr. Harrow:
In that case, the next time we suspect a double agent in our midst, I'll just frighten him to death with your test scores.

Elliott Blake:
Exactly what do you want of me?

Mr. Harrow:
Hard proof of your abilities.

Elliott Blake:
The impossible on demand.

Mr. Harrow:
That's a fair description.

Colonel Eckherdt:
For a subject of your qualifications.

Elliott Blake:
What flavor impossible?

Mr. Harrow:
In general terms, a demonstration that you can telepathically and precisely intercept the thoughts and actions of an enemy. Fair enough?

Mr. Harrow:
I'm sure you're both familiar with Max Dyson.

Max Dyson:
April Fool, Paula. Say hello to the boogeyman.

Dr. Paula Hall:
THIS is your authority? A fake magician?

Max Dyson:
Fake? I'm a magician, 'Max the Magnificent,' a pretty good mentalist in my time. I certainly learned all the tricks.

Mr. Harrow:
You are aware that Mr. Dyson has made a specialty out of dealing with psychics.

Colonel Eckherdt:
The expression is "exposing charlatans."

Dr. Paula Hall:
This institute exposes charlatans.

Max Dyson:
Good. We ought to get along fine. [to Elliott] You're Elliott Blake.

Elliott Blake:
And you're Max. 'The Magnificent.'

Max Dyson:
Just so we understand each other, I've tested hundreds of you people; [sarcastically] your incredible, mystical, psychic gifts.

Elliott Blake:
Surely some were genuine?

Max Dyson:
None. Not a one. Nothing I couldn't explain and duplicate. That's in case anyone here thinks I'm a believer.

Mr. Harrow:
You realize what this means, Mr. Blake?

Elliott Blake:
Yes. It could mean the end of my career. [to Max] Or possibly yours, Max.

Max Dyson:
What are you going to do about the test, Elliott?

Elliott Blake:
I'm going to try and fool you, Max. Unless you back off.

Max Dyson:
I can't do that. You can.

Elliott Blake:
No, no, no. Gone too far now.

Max Dyson:
For both of us. You better be good, kid.

Elliott Blake:
Oh, I am, Max. I'm very good.

Elliott Blake:
What is all this?

Max Dyson:
It's a guillotine. I don't exactly get rich hiring out to people like Mr. Harrow. This? I build magic effects. I have a magic store downstairs. [Max demonstrates by placing a head of cabbage in the guillotine, chopping it in half] Do me a favor? Lie down. [nodding to the guillotine bench]

Elliott Blake:
Why did you help me today, Max?

Max Dyson:
Quite a little stunt we pulled. Maybe we should take it on the road.

Elliott Blake:
Why, Max?

Max Dyson:
You have to ask me that, after what we went through in Uganda? So we cooked up a little illusion for Mr. Harrow. I'll survive the insult. See how you like this. [Max triggers the guillotine, and the blade falls, but leaves Elliott unharmed] Beautiful effects, huh?

Elliott Blake:
You know, Max, for a moment this afternoon, I really thought you were going to betray me. Again.

Max Dyson:
What do you mean?

Elliott Blake:
Well, that show that you put on? Well, I thought it might be to, uh, make it up to me, you know? For what happened, in the prison? [pulls out a revolver and points it at Max] REMEMBER, Max? The escape we planned? And then, one day, you vanished! 'Max the Magnificent' was out. And the guards knew exactly where to look for my clever little escape tools, hm?

Max Dyson:
My God, is that what you think?

Elliott Blake:
I 'think' you sold me, Max. Freedom for you. [c*cks revolver] THREE MORE YEARS for me!

Max Dyson:
That isn't true!

Elliott Blake:
And every hour, of every night, I dreamt of being like this -

Max Dyson:
They let me go!

Elliott Blake:
- here and now!

Max Dyson:
I gave them money! I never betrayed you! I never gave them you! You want to kill me, you can, but... I remember what we meant to each other in that place. What we gave each other. And then put it together with this - CRAZINESS, IT - IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! [cringes, expecting Elliott to shoot]

Elliott Blake:
[puts up revolver in non-threatening manner] Okay, Max. [empties bullets from revolver] I had to know.

Elliott Blake:
No guilt to hide, hm? Finish up. [Elliott picks up guillotine collar from the floor, and examines the 'safe' and 'danger' labels, figuring out how the guillotine trick works] And then, uh, perhaps we can have a drink, hm?

Max Dyson:
Almost done.

Elliott Blake:
Well, you'll need this. [puts collar in place, bolting it shut, trapping Max's head under the blade]

Max Dyson:
No! What are you doing?

Elliott Blake:
[pulling out safety bolt as he looks down on Max] Tell me again, about our 'friendship?'

Max Dyson:
You don't understand, I had to get out of that place! [Max screams as he sees the blade fall, before it kills him]

Elliott Blake:
You didn't really think I had forgiven you, did you, Max?

Lt. Columbo:
[walks into bar] Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide. You the owner?

Sgt. Russo:
[waving Columbo to the bar before presenting his badge] Sergeant Russo, retired.

Lt. Columbo:
What's the problem, here, Sergeant?

Sgt. Russo:
[nodding to the bucket behind the bar] Blood. [Blood is dripping from above. Columbo looks up to see a red stain on the ceiling]

Lt. Columbo:
Well, what's up there?

Sgt. Russo:
Some kind of workshop. Belongs to the magic shop next door.

Bert Spindler:
[holds up a drink in a toast] To Max the Magnificent.

Lt. Columbo:
To Max, sir, and all these tricks, you know how they all work?

Bert Spindler:
That's my job. A very beautiful and ancient art.

Lt. Columbo:
And the uh, mind reading part, how did that all work?

Bert Spindler:
Consultant; universities, corporations, government agencies. Exposing those ESP people. He even wrote a book on it: 'Dyson on Mind Reading.' Max was so good himself, he never found a psychic who wasn't a fake. Until yesterday.

Lt. Columbo:
Is that a fact, sir?

Bert Spindler:
He conducted a big test out at some think tank institute. Really shook him up.

Lt. Columbo:
[referring to the workshop, and demonstrating one of the tricks] The whole place is one big magic trick. You can't believe anything you see.

Medical Examiner:
[talking to a reporter] Both doors were locked from the inside. Freight elevator, locked. The door to the stairs, locked. The safety bolt over there, it's hangin' from its chain, I mean, the guy obviously screwed up. I'm gonna give you this one as an accident and you can count on it. [Columbo picks up guillotine collar from the floor] Hey, that was off when I got here.

Lt. Columbo:
It was off when I got here, too.

Medical Examiner:
[to reporter] I mean, it could have been a suicide, but whoever heard of a suicide with a guillotine? I'm still gonna give you this one as an accident.

Lt. Columbo:
[handing collar to forensic tech] Have the lab check this out for blood. [to medical examiner with a shrug] You never know.

Bert Spindler:
He was loved. Well, not by those mind readers and psychics; they weren't so crazy about him, once he got on their case. But magicians loved him. I loved him.

Lt. Columbo:
I've never seen so many wonderful tricks. Those beautiful Chinese rings, and that terrific birdcage. Once, on a vacation with Mrs. Columbo, I saw a magician make a tiger disappear right out of the ring, but I've never seen a trick like that guillotine trick upstairs. That must be some dangerous trick.

Bert Spindler:
Not if you're careful. Max built in some safeguards, made it all foolproof.

Lt. Columbo:
What happened to Max, that didn't look very foolproof. How do you explain that?

Bert Spindler:
Are you sure you won't join me, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
No, thank you very much, sir.

Bert Spindler:
Max must have gotten careless. Forgot to lock in the safety bolt.

Lt. Columbo:
What a great idea, fish in a dance floor. Fantastic! Yeah, fantastic!

Lt. Columbo:
What are these fish called again?

Justin Price:
Koi.

Lt. Columbo:
Koi! Magnificent creatures.

Lt. Columbo:
This place really coulda been something. Too bad.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, in all the years I've had this car, this is the first time I've ever had the top down!

Lt. Columbo:
[reading off a card] You have the right to remain silent, you know if you give that up, anything you say can be used against you. You have the right to retain an attorney... you have the right to... what the hell is that?

Nicholas Frame:
Most people, Columbo, have frightful taste, yourself included.

Sir Roger Haversham:
Today I finally realize, after all my years as a producer, I... I've simply been taken - taken by a ham and a tart.

Constable:
Mr. Tanner, he was properly disturbed finding the master expired, and before breakfast and all; so, I stayed around to help see to the removal of the remains. Uh, just took His Lordship off, they did, to... to have him properly coffined for public mourning, uh, considering his station.

Columbo:
What is he saying?

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk:
His Lordship died... of some sort of accident.

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk:
Uh, the lieutenant's here from Los Angeles for a few days. He's observing our latest techniques at the Yard.

Tanner:
How interesting. Let's hope some of it "rubs off," as they say.

Columbo:
Oh, thank you very much. I certainly hope so.

Lillian Stanhope:
You are a reporter?

Columbo:
Oh, no, ma'am, no. Oh, no, I'm terribly sorry. No, my name is Columbo. I'm just a visiting fireman.

[Durk takes Columbo to his men's club for tea and a bite to eat. A server appears with a cart of food]

Columbo:
When you said tea, I was afraid we were going to get nothing but those tiny sandwiches. This is terrific.

George, Steward at Supt. Durk's Club:
Why do you think we keep the ladies out, sir?

[Columbo is nonplussed]

Lillian Stanhope:
I've always wanted to be in a horror film.

Nicholas Frame:
Well, you certainly qualify.

Lillian Stanhope:
Thanks.

Columbo:
There HAS to be an explanation.

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk:
Oh, come, come, come, come. Don't be so distressed. At least it's been amusing chasing an American wild goose for a change, eh?

Columbo:
[hearing Big Ben chime and checking his watch] Boy, that's terrific. Thing that old, it's only a minute slow.

Det. Chief Supt. William Durk:
Really. We must put another penny on the governor.

TV Newsman:
Early on in the Korean War, as a colonel commanding a regiment of armored cavalry, Hollister captured the imagination of the American people.

Mrs. Walters:
Your pot's overcooking.

Helen Stewart:
That is not a pot! It's a crock!

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
You know, Lieutenant, I don't see how a man, with the name of Columbo... shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?

Lt. Columbo:
Must've been another branch of the family, sir. How soon before we land?

Helen Stewart:
Some men, Lieutenant, do not wanna look like an unmade bed!

Harry Barnes:
If you hand me your aft line, Mrs. Wallace, I'll secure your stern.

Mrs. Walters:
I beg your pardon!

Harry Barnes:
I'll tie up your boat.

Mrs. Walters:
Oh, I never thought we'd make it.

Harry Barnes:
Neither did I.

Lt. Columbo:
Look, in order to understand a man, you have to understand his past.

Col. Roger Dutton:
I'm leaving for Geneva tonight. If I may make a suggestion, General, you might do the same.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
I have a business to run. Besides, I never believed in a forced retreat.

Lt. Columbo:
All right, I'm gonna go in and speak to the general, and while I'm doing that I want you to search the yacht.

Officer Sanchez:
Uh, but, Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I'll ask the general for permission. If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant. In the meantime, check it out.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have this report, uh, about this shooting.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
A shooting?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, sir. In this house.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
Mistakes have no gender.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
You don't recognize me?

Helen Stewart:
Well, no. Should I?

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
You said that you saw me... shoot somebody today. No, no, you have nothing to fear from me, Mrs. Stewart, but if you'll watch the late news tonight, I'm sure you'll agree that, uh, you've miscast me... as a murderer.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
Just a piece of advice. Find a different spot, or use a different bait, otherwise you're not gonna catch anything, Lieutenant.

Maj. Gen. Martin Hollister:
Now, I think we ought to prosecute these martinis before their statutes of limitations expire.

Columbo:
Well, the bad news, ma'am, is that Mr. Lamarr here is going to be arrested for the murder of your husband.

Nancy Brower:
Oh, my God. Leon, how could you?

Leon Lamarr:
Ha!

Nancy Brower:
And what's the good news?

Columbo:
That you've just inherited the better part of $24 million after taxes. It wasn't Mr. Lamarr who won the lottery, it was your late husband.

Nancy Brower:
[pretending surprise] What?

Columbo:
And even though you were in the process of getting a divorce, you were still legally married at the time of the drawing.

Nancy Brower:
I get the money?

Columbo:
All of it. All of those millions.

Leon Lamarr:
It'll be a cold day in hell.

Nancy Brower:
Leon!

Leon Lamarr:
You lying, treacherous b*tch, you sold ol' Leon out, didn't you? You want to see some cooperation? Girl, I'm gonna show you some cooperation. [to Columbo] Who do you think it was pretending to be Freddie calling me from the studio that night?

[with Nancy ranting and raving, and with Leon chuckling]

Columbo:
That's it. [to another officer] All right, book 'em. Both of 'em.

Nancy Brower:
I hate you as much as your wife's going to hate you, that's how much I hate you!

Columbo:
[about the things the chimpanzee touched] What do these things have in common? They're all shiny, and they're all metal, just like this medallion.

Columbo:
You know, on second thought, maybe I oughta have our old car repainted. Jack, it's 25 years. I oughta do something special.

Jack:
Your car or her car?

Columbo:
I didn't hear that.

Denning:
[showing Columbo the company computer] This is our memory bank, lieutenant. Millions of bits of information, all cross-filed and on tape, immediately available. There're more electrical impulses in this room than in your brain.

Teddy:
[as Columbo pushes him on a swing] Higher!

Columbo:
Higher? Listen, if you go any higher, you're gonna go right over the top.

Teddy:
[being pushed on the swing] I said higher!

Columbo:
Higher? All right, listen, you go higher and I'll eat your ice cream. All right?

Columbo:
Say, you know, 's a funny thing about your appointments with Mrs. Kennicutt? Uh, the first two were in the morning and all the rest - and I counted thirteen of 'em - uh, they were always in the middle or the late afternoon.

Ken Archer:
So?

Columbo:
Uh... Well, I guess it's not important. I guess it's nothin'. Wait, let me... I'm gonna take off my coat. Except that, uh... you know, every time you had an appointment with Mrs. Kennicutt, it was always the last lesson of the day.

Columbo:
Yeah, I would say that we have a left-handed murderer and, uh... and an unpremeditated crime.

Investigator Brimmer:
We have?

Columbo:
Oh, I think so, yes. I mean, I don't think a man kills with his hands unless he's angry. As a matter of fact, you know, maybe he didn't mean to do it. Could be. You know, maybe it was an accident. You know, I got a feeling that when we find our friend, it's gonna turn out that he has a terrible temper.

Investigator Brimmer:
You're a very observant man, Lieutenant.

Columbo:
That's not what my wife says.

Columbo:
Isn't that a coincidence? I'll tell ya this case is just full of 'em.

Investigator Brimmer:
Lieutenant, you have a marvelously convoluted mind.

[Columbo has just described one of the pranks he and his mischievous buddies used to pull as kids]

Columbo:
It was a terrible thing to do, and got a feeling that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all of those jokes I played when I was a kid.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[voiceover narration for motivational film] Nothing can happen in this country until someone sells something. We are traditionally a nation of salesmen but, most importantly, we have advanced salesmanship to a creative art. It has been the ability of salesmen representing American products and capital around the globe that has made American business preeminent.

[as the speech continues via tape recorder, Dr. Keppel slips out, kills Vic Norris, and returns, picing up the speech many lines later]

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Salesmanship, a profession that has become a way of life, our most powerful weapon in the war of ideas and economies, a tribute to American creativity.

Lt. Columbo:
I had an uncle who made a killing in real estate up in San Dimas.

Roger White:
Do tell.

Lt. Columbo:
You know what this guy did before he started sellin' dirt?

Roger White:
Mm-mm.

Lt. Columbo:
Drove a school bus.

Roger White:
Wow.

Lt. Columbo:
Now he's got a ranch, a couple of Cadillacs, sends out embossed Christmas cards.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, that reminds me, uhh... Mr. Norris' secretary showed me an agenda of a Board of Directors meeting that was scheduled to take place today, and on the top of the list it said "Terminate Keppel." I was just wondering about that, uh... I don't know quite how to put this. How about it, Doc? Were you about to be canned?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
I-I think you put it very directly. You're about as subtle as a train wreck.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[at an intersection] Which way?

Lt. Columbo:
Beg pardon?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Right or left? You didn't tell me where the murder was committed, Lieutenant, so I couldn't possibly know how to get there, could I?

Lt. Columbo:
Turn right.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Nice try, though.

Lt. Columbo:
Can't win 'em all.

Lt. Columbo:
Doctor? Doctor Keppel? Doctor Keppel? Good afternoon, Doctor! Afternoon. Uh, Doctor? Scuse me, sir.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
I gather you are not a golfer.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, no, sir, I do bowl, a little, but you see this hand...

Dr. Bart Keppel:
It's customary to be very still when a man is trying to hit a golf ball.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, did I ruin your shot?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
No-no, just a little.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, listen, I'm sorry. Since it was my fault, maybe they'll let you do it over?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Not at the stakes we play!

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Tanya Baker is the kind of girl that a man doesn't like to admit he knows at all, and certainly not if he's married, and I am married. I hope I can rely on your discretion, Lieutenant, now that you know?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, absolutely, sir. Nothing to worry about. No, I'm from, uh, homicide. I'm not from the vice squad.

Lt. Columbo:
[eating caviar] That's delicious!

1st Detective:
It oughta be. Costs $80 a jar.

Lt. Columbo:
$80?

1st Detective:
Yeah?

Lt. Columbo:
O-o-o. That must be about $15 right in my mouth.

[1st detective laughs]

Lt. Columbo:
We better get out of here.

[1st detective laughs]

Lt. Columbo:
We're gonna get arrested.

[1st detective laughs]

Dr. Bart Keppel:
You stole something from me?

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, nothing serious. Fact is, the night of the murder I was hungry, I saw some of your caviar around and I... took the liberty of helping myself. Just thought I'd mention it.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Don't be silly. As long as you enjoyed it.

Lt. Columbo:
That's the funny part. I didn't enjoy it. Too salty. And you know, I didn't notice it when I was eating it, but when I went to the projectionist's later on, I remember I felt a little thirsty. All of the sudden, I wanted something to drink, so he had some iced tea there, thank goodness... Oh, that reminds me. Take a look.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[opens and reads Columbo's document] Autopsy report.

Lt. Columbo:
I thought that... if I took caviar and it made me thirsty, I figured maybe it would make him thirsty.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
So you ordered an autopsy. That's very astute, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Thank you very much, Doctor. It was the only way that I could find out whether or not Mr. Norris ate any caviar. According to this report, he did.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Mm-hm. Yeah.

Lt. Columbo:
Quite a bit. Pretty big eater. Uh, Doctor?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
In light of this new information, I was wondering whether or not... you could find it in yourself to be more helpful at this point?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
If the man was thirsty... and he was subjected to several subliminal cuts of, say, a tall, cool drink, that would cause him to get up and leave the screening room and go to find the nearest water fountain... Is that what you mean?

Lt. Columbo:
I had something like that in mind, yes. And that COULD happen?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Oh, yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, thank you very much. You've been VERY helpful.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[having listened to Columbo's theory] You're an interesting man, Lieutenant, very interesting.

Lt. Columbo:
I take it, that's a compliment?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Yes, it tis; however, you have to take it a bit further. You may really be onto something; you have to take the next step.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, what is that, sir?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Look at the film, examine it carefully, see if there are any subliminal cuts. Oh, of course, I should have realized. You've already done that.

Lt. Columbo:
I have.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
What did you find?

Lt. Columbo:
No splices.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Aw, that's too bad. What a shame. Such a good idea.

Lt. Columbo:
Could've been two prints.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
TWO prints! Well, that's an interesting notion, too. If I were you, I'd get busy and find that second print. Your entire case could rest on that.

Lt. Columbo:
Doctor, I don't think I'm gonna find the second print.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Really? Why not?

Lt. Columbo:
I think that the criminal in this case is much too intelligent to leave that kind of evidence around. Of course, I'm gonna check all the film duplicating labs, but I got a feeling this guy did his own duplicating.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
That must be very frustrating for you, Lieutenant.

[Doctor Keppel leaves but Columbo follows and catches up]

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, Doc? I just wanted to thank you for all your help.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Anytime.

Lt. Columbo:
Dr. Keppel?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[growns] Ohh... Lieutenant, what is it?

Lt. Columbo:
May I speak to you privately?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[sighs; to his narrator] Charles, why don't you watch the film. We'll talk afterwards.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[to the projectionist] Go ahead and run.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
[finally to the lieutenant] Columbo, what do you want?

Lt. Columbo:
I'm sorry to disturb you, Doctor. I have sad news. Mr. White, your projectionist, he was just shot.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Is it... bad?

Lt. Columbo:
Dead, sir.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Uhhhh... I would be very interested to know if there is any connection between that and the Norris murder. Would you keep me informed?

Lt. Columbo:
You know, Doctor, I'm going over there now, and I was wondering, uhh...

Dr. Bart Keppel:
You were wondering if I would go with you... to the scene of the crime?

Lt. Columbo:
How d'you know that?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Oh... Lieutenant, I know where you're coming from, and I know where you're going, and it isn't very difficult to figure you out.

Lt. Columbo:
I don't understand.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Well, for some reason, you have come up with the remarkable notion that I am guilty of Vic Norris' murder. Never mind that I have no motive, or that I scarcely knew the man, or that he was my best... client. Your innuendos keep clumping through our conversations like hobnailed boots, and if I didn't find you a... an extraordinarily... amusing fellow, I might even be offended.

Lt. Columbo:
Doc, if I'd have known I was making that kind of impression, I would have left and never come back. The fact of the matter is, I knew White worked for ya, and I thought you might wanna come. And I thought you might be able to help. Honest. I think you'd be a great detective.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
All right, Lieutenant... I'll play.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh-oh. Another bad one, huh, Doc?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Yes, that's a bad one!

Lt. Columbo:
Let's see if I can help you find that!

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Why don't you come to the point, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
The real point?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Yes. The real one. That one. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Lt. Columbo:
I think you're guilty of homicide. I think you killed Mr. Norris, and I think you killed the projectionist.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Lieutenant, how could I have killed Mr. Norris, or anybody else, when I was standing in plain view of everyone in the screening room at the time?

Lt. Columbo:
You couldn't.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
No.

Lt. Columbo:
So you weren't.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Yes... but they DID see me.

Lt. Columbo:
No, sir. They heard you. And you had a tape recorder. And it was dark.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Wait a minute. Let me get one thing straight. I was told that all of the testimony was unanimous. Everyone in the room swore they saw me there. Is that true?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, sir.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Has someone CHANGED their testimony?

Lt. Columbo:
No, sir.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
No, they haven't! Well, when they do, we'll be able to pursue this fascinating line of speculation. Ah! Here's my ball. There it is. I'll just toss it out a bit... and no one will ever know... and I can go on with my game.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, by the way, sir, before I interfere with your swing... I won't be able to be your alibi for last night when Mr. White was shot.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
I'm so sorry to hear that. Why not?

Lt. Columbo:
Because I was only with you from 7:30 on... and Mr. White was killed before 7:30.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
That's more speculation?

Lt. Columbo:
No, sir. Mr. White was not killed during the second reel of that film. He was killed during the first reel, and that would have given you plenty of time to get to your office.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
How did you come up with this conclusion?

Lt. Columbo:
Because there was no nickel.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Uhhh... I beg your pardon?

Lt. Columbo:
No nickel. Under the #2 projector, on the floor, there was no nickel. How do you like that? You see, this fellow White, the projectionist, he told me he had a little trick. He takes a nickel and he puts it in the reel down by the end, so that when the nickel falls out, he knows it's time to change the reel. Under the #2 projector there was no nickel. In my opinion, sir, Mr. White did not change the second reel. You did.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Ahhhh... I marvel, at you Lieutenant. I... I really... I am fascinated by your imagination, but... as far as I know, a court of law in this country still requires some... SOME kind of... evidence, don't they?

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, Doc. And I don't have any.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
I don't see any. Do you?

Lt. Columbo:
Not enough to convict,

Dr. Bart Keppel:
I can't see how, so we'll just have to let it go at that for the time being, since we don't have any alternative, and I really can now get on with my game.

Lt. Columbo:
Nice shot, Doc.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Yes!

Lt. Columbo:
For a while there, I thought I was gonna spoil your game.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Not a chance, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Finally got some hard evidence! What is that, Doctor? I'll be a son of a gun. A calibration converter. Do you have the key to that case? Looks like a .22. Fit nicely into a .45 automatic. That's why the barrel and chambers were clean when ballistics checked out the gun. That's a lovely touch. A converter. I never figured on a converter. And one hidden in a lamp. Doc, I woulda sworn you had a gun hidden in here - and I was trying to smoke you out - but I never figured on this.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
A subliminal cut. You used a subliminal cut!

Lt. Columbo:
No, quite a few subliminal cuts. From some photos I made. Came in here with Milt last night and we shot some pictures... It must have been the ones around the lamp... Those are the ones that did it. Maybe it was that fella.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Let me... see. May I?

Lt. Columbo:
We had them processed last night, and we cut 'em into your movie this morning.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
I know one thing, Lieutenant, you have to admit... you never would have solved it without using my technique.

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, Doc. If there was a reward, I'd support your claim to it.

[Dr. Keppel laughs, half-mad]

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Well, Lieutenant, unless you think I can be of any further help, in my opinion, as you people say... that about wraps this up.

Lt. Columbo:
I don't think she did it.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
You are an incredibly stubborn man. After all the facts you've established, it's obvious the projectionist and Mrs. Norris were in it together.

Lt. Columbo:
I STILL don't think she did it.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
In that case, I am deeply grateful for one thing.

Lt. Columbo:
And what is that, Doctor?

Dr. Bart Keppel:
That you've established that White was killed between 7:30 and 8:00, because you and I have been together constantly since 7:30, starting in the cutting room and ending, I hope, now; otherwise, I'm positive you'd still be accusing me.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, Doctor, I've never accused you of anything.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Heh... I'll ignore that, because I'm convinced that my only real protection in this matter is the fact that you, personally, are my alibi.

Lt. Columbo:
And that's a tough nut to crack.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
That's not tough. That's impossible. Uh... I imagine you can find someone to get you back to your car.

Lt. Columbo:
Certainly.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Good. In that case... goodbye... Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
My wife's got no head for crime. We go to those whodunit movies, she always picks the wrong murderer. I wanna tell you something: If my wife decided to murder me, she could come up with a better alibi than you got.

Dr. Bart Keppel:
Sounds like you feel a little empty-headed at the moment, but I don't think you're empty-headed at all.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, thank you very much.

Mrs. Peck:
Bum! You're a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! D'you see this?

Columbo:
I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Columbo:
Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you, I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant, so I don't expect you to like me but I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now, I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I-I, I don't know, I just can't correct that, and I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy. That's my nature, but I've never been un... I-I-I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck, and-and i-if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed a man that you worked for for thirty-three years, well, then... well, then I think you're a very unfair person.

Columbo:
Would you mind very much coming with me into the bathroom?

Norman Paris:
You got the Degas. I got the Picassos.

Dexter Paris:
[Derisively] Norman, you couldn't tell Picasso from a Rorhshach test!

Norman Paris:
Can anyone? I know very much what they're worth.

Michael Hatheway:
[Referring to Mrs. Peck and the twins] She practically raised both boys. So she has more love for the boys than the family does.

Columbo:
[Sensitive to Mrs. Peck's hostility to him] I think she hates me. I really feel that.

Lieutenant Columbo:
I sometimes have a silly effect on people. You know what I mean, just being a police lieutenant. You know, uh... At least I hope that's why.

Ward Fowler:
Is there anything that doesn't bore you, Clare?

Clare Daley:
Mm-hm. Silver certificates. I would paper my bedroom with them if I could.

Lieutenant Columbo:
[to Lucerne] That's brilliant, sir. That's very impressive. No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.

Clare Daley:
You wouldn't make a murderer. Not even a sympathetic one. That much personality you don't have.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Boy, you and I think the same way. It's amazing.

Lieutenant Columbo:
How does a smart man like Lieutenant Lucerne make a mistake like THAT?

Ward Fowler:
Because you're not talking to Lieutenant Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Well, what's the difference, sir?

Ward Fowler:
The difference is Ward Fowler's under suspicion of murder, and a man under that kind of threat is... apt to make mistakes. He's apt to get rattled.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Well, who ever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?

Ward Fowler:
Lieutenant Lucerne did.

Lieutenant Columbo:
He did? Well, how did he come to that conclusion, sir?

Ward Fowler:
Why don't we stop pretending that I'm brilliant and you're simple for one moment?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Oh, there's one more thing, sir.

Ward Fowler:
I couldn't help wondering why, with all the money that Ward Fowler makes, he could owe Claire Daley that much, and then it hit me.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Uh, what hit you, sir?

Ward Fowler:
Coffee?

Lieutenant Columbo:
I mean, a girl that you're gonna marry is much more apt to provide an alibi than a gofer.

Ward Fowler:
Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me "sir."

Dr. Henry Willis:
[to Grace] Half a million dollars is not a drop in the bucket to anybody, with the possible exception of the Shah of Iran and Howard Hughes.

Columbo:
[to Grace] From my experience, ma'am, I've discovered that people don't usually forget to do that which they usually do.

Raymond:
[fining Columbo at the front door] Yes? Oh. Not YOU again. I spent the whole morning cleaning up after your men.

Columbo:
Listen, uh, you don't mind if I pump your hand, do ya? You're the fellow that was in all those musicals. Wait'll I tell my wife. You were always her favorite. She dragged me to every musical you were ever in.

Ned Diamond:
I'm sorry you had to be dragged.

Columbo:
[alluding to his compulsiveness] A light goes on up here... and sometimes I can't turn it off.

Sgt. Leftkowitz:
You know, Lieutenant, um, I'm in the homicide office at least, uh, once a week. I don't think I've ever seen you there.

Columbo:
Well, I don't get down there too much. None of the murders take place there, you know?

Columbo:
You see, if Henry already brought the gun in, if he was already thinking about suicide...

Pat:
[heard in the background] Okay, let's go.

Columbo:
...before he went to bed, then I don't believe he would be reading this. It's a light, funny book - not the kind of thing that a man would be reading just before shooting himself.

Grace Wheeler Willis:
That policeman's starting to get on my nerves.

Ned Diamond:
What's he still hanging around for?

Grace Wheeler Willis:
He says... he's searching for a crystal-clear reason why Henry killed himself. I've tried to be patient, helpful, but the point is Henry did, and he just keeps bringing up painful memories.

Grace Wheeler Willis:
Did you want to see me or do you just enjoy swinging from trees?

Grace Wheeler Willis:
Would you care to join us? We're running a film.

Columbo:
Oh, thank you very, very much. No, I can't. This is Sunday and I promised my dog I'd take him to the park.

Columbo:
I have very good reason to believe that Miss Wheeler killed her husband.

Ned Diamond:
If you think I'm gonna stand here and listen to that... I'll get a lawyer - I'll get a battery of lawyers - and the least that can happen will be the end of one very unimportant career! OUT!

Ned Diamond:
Anyway, what difference does it make? It doesn't mean anything.

Columbo:
Oh, it means a great deal, sir. It goes to the very heart of the matter.

Columbo:
There's no doubt she did it, but I have a problem with this case.

Ned Diamond:
Lieutenant, you must be aware of the fact that... that men who retire from very active lives very often go into severe depression for no apparent reason whatsoever. I know. I've been there.

Columbo:
You didn't shoot yourself, did ya? Big difference between being old and unhappy and puttin' a gun to your head. Has to be a reason.

Lt. Flaherty:
Columbo.

Columbo:
Lt. Flaherty. Long time, no see.

Lt. Flaherty:
You ought to try coming downtown once in a while.

Columbo:
I'm gonna get down there this week for sure.

Lt. Flaherty:
You know a Sergeant Lefkowitz?

Columbo:
Sergeant Lefkowitz? Oh, the lady with the computer. Yes.

Lt. Flaherty:
You've been giving her the run around.

Columbo:
Me? No. No, I explained to her that my records regard to my going to pistol practice got loused up in the computer.

Lt. Flaherty:
You were right about that. The read-out said you hadn't fired in five years. She double-checked it. It was ten.

Columbo:
Gee, you gotta be kidding!

Lt. Flaherty:
You better get out to that range right away.

Columbo:
Gee, I can't go now. I gotta go some place.

Lt. Flaherty:
Columbo, you could be suspended.

Columbo:
But I don't have a gun.

General Padget:
Someone promises once and doesn't deliver, well, that's a busy man. Promises twice, he's not very efficient. Promises three times, I know when I'm being diddled. But here we are, after all. I take it all back.

Colonel Frank Brailie:
The sexual life of a camel is much stranger than anyone thinks.

General Padget:
He lies on the bank of the Nile and tries to make love to the Sphinx.

Colonel Frank Brailie:
But the Sphinx is only a statue...

General Padget:
...Beset by the sands of the Nile.

Colonel Frank Brailie:
Which accounts for the humps on the camel...

General Padget:
...And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.

Lieutenant Columbo:
There's just one more thing, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo:
You know, Colonel, the way we always agree with one another, that's amazing, considering the fact that we really don't like one another. Would you agree with me on that?

Colonel Frank Brailie:
I think I'd have to agree.

Lieutenant Columbo:
You see? We agree again.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I guess, most people, they like to hear about their personalities, I mean, especially from an expert. Lord knows *I* do. I could sit and listen to someone talk about me for hours.

Lt. Columbo:
Who knows what goes on in the head of a dog?

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Baruk, kiss!

[training dog attacks padded man]

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Baruk, out! Come! Baruk, come!

Lt. Columbo:
Miss Cochran! Ma'am!

[runs up to her]

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
[to Baruk] Good boy. Good boy.

Lt. Columbo:
What did you just do?

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Just an attack command.

Lt. Columbo:
But you said...

Lt. Columbo:
[eyes the dog warily]... K-I-S-S, ma'am.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Well, that's Baruk's attack word. A dog can respond to any command as long as he's trained to understand it. Here, I'll show you. Baruk. Watch him. Watch him. Kill!

[Baruk jumps up on Lt. Columbo and licks his face]

Lt. Columbo:
[relieved] Oh, ho, yes! Yes, you're a good doggie. Yes. All right. All right, that's enough.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Baruk, down.

Lt. Columbo:
That's enough.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Down.

Lt. Columbo:
All right. Whew. You mean that a trainer can control a dog with any word? Any word at all?

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
A sign, or a sound, a word - ANY word, in any language.

Lt. Columbo:
[trying to trigger the attack word for the dogs] Kill! Kiss! Diamonds! Rubies! Sneakers!

Lt. Columbo:
Well, we'll be seeing more of each other, sir, until the investigation is settled.

Dr. Eric Mason:
Lieutenant. It's not that I haven't been impressed by your company, but what is there to settle?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, it's that telephone again, sir. You see, whoever called Dr. Hunter musta heard those awful sounds in the kitchen, sir. Must have heard the dogs and a man dying. Dying and screaming, sir, and nobody called the police. We never got a report, sir. Not a single one - except for the young girl down here in the guest house; so, you can see, we would like to know who made that telephone call, sir. You understand, sir.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
When a dog goes killer wild, we call it, uh, reverting. It's reversion back to the wolf. We don't talk about it a whole lot, but it happens.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that would explain it, ma'am.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
Except that you told me you played with the dogs AFTER they went savage. Now, I've never heard of a reverting dog that didn't stay that way.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, thank you very much, ma'am. We didn't clear much up but it sort of highlights the problem.

Miss Cochran - the dog trainer:
If you wanna protect your wife, Lieutenant, why don't you just teach her karate? Good-bye.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, listen, you're only a dog. You're not a college professor.

Dr. Eric Mason:
What the hell are you playing at?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, just my game, sir. You're good at tennis and word games, and Dr. Hunter, he was a winner with women. This is my game.

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson:
Double-agents don't go broke. They die sometimes but they don't go broke.

Nelson Brenner:
Oh, come along now. That theory about my being a double agent? Now, you know there's no fact in it.

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson:
The agency doesn't deal in facts, only in rumors, and I have a lot more than rumors, Nelson.

Lt. Columbo:
What do you have to do to win one of them things?

Shooting gallery attendant:
Knock down the ducks ten out of ten.

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, my wife would go for that.

Shooting gallery attendant:
Oh, no, sir, Lieutenant. Hey... hey, you're a pro.

Lt. Columbo:
Aw, forget about it. If I'm standing on the dock, I couldn't hit the water.

Lt. Columbo:
Do you like to gamble, sir?

Nelson Brenner:
What else is there?

Lt. Columbo:
Who is that behind the fat lady?

Salvatore Defonte:
You worry about the Chinese? I tell you don't worry about the Chinese. You know why? Because they can pull out of the Olympics but they can't pull out of soy beans!

Nelson Brenner:
Do you like music?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I hear it all the time.

Lt. Columbo:
Do you have any wine?

Nelson Brenner:
A cellar-full!

Lt. Columbo:
Just a glass.

Nelson Brenner:
What kind would you like?

Lt. Columbo:
[after deliberating] Oh, red.

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson:
[Entering the amusement pier] There'd'b more privacy on a freeway.

Nelson Brenner:
Oh, I don't know. Wasn't it you that said you should never have a clandestine meeting in a clandestine place? Besides which, I've always had a certain perverse affection for amusement parks.

Nelson Brenner:
Lieutenant, I think that I should warn you that I am not an unworldly man. I have powerful and important friends, even in the police department. I respectfully request... that you do not... harass me.

Lawrence Melville:
[amused] You sure are strange, Mr. Steinmetz.

Nelson Brenner:
[disguised as Steinmetz] It's a strange world.

Gas Station Attendant:
Want me to wipe your windshield, sir?

Lt. Columbo:
No, that's all right. Don't bother. I can see through it.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, just between us, sir...

Nelson Brenner:
Mm-hm?

Lt. Columbo:
...somebody's following me.

Nelson Brenner:
Now who would be following a cop?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out. Can't be the collection company. The car's paid for.

Lt. Columbo:
You have my house bugged.

Nelson Brenner:
I know.

Lt. Columbo:
You told a lot of lies, sir. Course, most of 'em can be explained in your capacity as a spy, but not the big one.

Nelson Brenner:
Colorado is a river.

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson:
Geronimo is an Indian.

Nelson Brenner:
There is no beach like a long beach, an amusement park.

Geronimo/A.J. Henderson:
When?

Nelson Brenner:
In two hours.

[last lines]

Lt. Columbo:
Would you like to hear something funny?

Nelson Brenner:
I'd love to.

Lt. Columbo:
Today, the Chinese, they changed their minds.

Nelson Brenner:
Did they, again?

Lt. Columbo:
They're back in the Games.

Nelson Brenner:
In the Games. Mahjong.

Lt. Columbo:
Mahjong.

Lt. Columbo:
Just one more thing!

Laura Staton:
Do you have a first name I can call you by?

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah. "Lieutenant."

Lt. Columbo:
Can I ask you something?

Laura Staton:
Why do you ask if you could ask? You're gonna do it anyway.

Barney:
Can I ask you a question?

Lt. Columbo:
No!

Barney:
How do you do a thing like that? How do you lock up the lady the way you feel about her?

Lt. Columbo:
Who said I felt anything about her?

Barney:
You did!

Lt. Columbo:
Listen, you believe everything a cop tells you, you're a damn fool.

Laura Staton:
You've come to tell me you can't make it tonight?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, nooooo.

Laura Staton:
You've come to tell me there's one more thing?

Lt. Columbo:
[Breaks into a huge grin] That's a yes.

Peter Hamilton:
...I won't be a hypocrite, Lieutenant. I'm sorry about poor Bryce being killed, but it has gotten Beth out from under his thumb.

Columbo:
Oh, yeah, yeah... Way out! Huh?

[He gestures with his hands]

Peter Hamilton:
Now, Lieutenant, you don't really think that Beth killed her brother in cold blood, now do you?

Columbo:
Well, as a matter of fact... I do.

Columbo:
Uh, my name is Columbo, ma'am. I'm a, uh... lieutenant, uh, from the police.

[shows badge then puts it away]

Mrs. Chadwick:
Dah, just a minute. Not so quickly. I'd like to look that over.

[examines his I.D. then him]

Mrs. Chadwick:
Well, I must say, you hardly look the role.

Peter Hamilton:
Suppose you ask the question that you haven't asked.

Columbo:
This is a terrible thing to admit, but, uh... I think that, in a way, her brother's death is the best thing that ever happened to her.

Hostess:
Ah, Lieutenant. Your cigar?

Columbo:
What about it?

Hostess:
Uh... Well, the fragrance is not, um... compatible.

Columbo:
That's a shame. I just lit it.

Beth Chadwick:
Well, if I've changed, it's because I thought you'd like a more exciting woman.

Peter Hamilton:
A change, yes, but a complete metamorphosis? I'm not sure, Beth, you're the same person.

Beth Chadwick:
Maybe I'm not.

Columbo:
I'd like to make a preliminary check - if you don't mind.

Charles 'Charlie' Clay:
No, no, no. I like everything... preliminary.

Columbo:
Mrs. Clay, where have you been?

Joanna Clay:
I don't know where I've been... for years.

[the lieutenant has been saddled with an apprentice]

Columbo:
Now, what do I call you? Theodore?

Sergeant Theodore "Mac" Albinsky:
Uh, no, sir. You call me Mac.

Columbo:
Mac.

Sergeant Theodore "Mac" Albinsky:
Yeah, Mac.

Columbo:
And do you have any Scotch or Irish in you?

Sergeant Theodore "Mac" Albinsky:
Oh, no, sir.

Columbo:
All right, Mac. Welcome aboard.

Charles 'Charlie' Clay:
Listen, are the police always called in when there's any possibility of an accident?

Columbo:
Accident... Oh, I'm sure this is an accident. Don't worry just because I'm from Homicide. Didn't I mention that? Well, never mind.

Columbo:
[pointedly] Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. Dust. No dust.

Columbo:
I don't think he, Charles Clay... I don't think he murdered anybody.

Kittering, Esq.:
Really, Mr. Columbo. Charlie certainly went to a lot of trouble if he didn't murder the commodore.

Columbo:
Oh, I think he would have gone to twice that much trouble if he thought that his wife had murdered the commodore.

Lisa King:
Love isn't just... one age or another.

Kittering, Esq.:
A sad story, enough to make you weep.

Columbo:
Commodore's watch.

Kittering, Esq.:
Big deal.

Columbo:
You'll notice that none of you have seen this watch closely. You've only heard it. You heard it tick, but I was talking about a watch that was found at the scene of the crime that was broken. It was smashed. It did NOT... tick. It didn't work. The commodore's watch. Now you see it. And this is the broken inside part. And we took this watch to a jeweler and we had the broken inside part replaced. So, now the watch ticks. You all heard it tick.

Columbo:
You got a match, Sergeant?

Sergeant George Kramer:
Thought you were gonna quit.

Columbo:
Not yet. No, not yet, Sergeant. Not yet.

Sergeant George Kramer:
Where you goin'?

Columbo:
I'm meetin' my wife, at the yacht club.

Columbo:
Have a nice meditation.

Viveca Scott:
[to a competitor in the cosmetics business] Mr. Lang, why don't you just go gobble up a pill company?

Karl Lessing:
Just think how many years Dr. Frankenstein must have spent on his research.

Dr. Murchison:
Yes, heh, but he only made one little monster.

Viveca Scott:
Do I know you?

Columbo:
You don't know me, ma'am, but I sure know you. Every time I shave, there ya are. It's a pleasure.

Viveca Scott:
Well, what does David say?

Columbo:
[Sarcastically] What does a clam say?

Karl Lessing:
You still like those, uh, tequila cocktails with the organic cactus juice, right? I've always thought that was an appropriate drink for you.

Viveca Scott:
You slimy little snake!

Karl Lessing:
Oh, no, Vivi, I'm your hairy little teddy bear. Remember me?

Lab Attendant:
I guess he figured if you can't bed the mother hen, why waste time with the chickens.

Columbo:
Miss Scott, are you aware that Karl Lessing had a photograph of yours which he put in his dartboard and which he used as a target?

Viveca Scott:
A what?

Columbo:
Now, don't get excited. It doesn't mean anything. A lot of people wanna throw darts at their bosses. You know, as a matter of fact, a while back here, uh, there was a captain of detectives, and he and I didn't get along. I used to have fantasies about him. I always had my hands around his throat...

Viveca Scott:
You belong in a museum!

Viveca Scott:
Lieutenant, I did not kill Karl Lessing. I couldn't kill a fly.

Columbo:
Gee whiz, you'd think that they were building secret weapons around here.

Lab Attendant:
Why, we're not?

Columbo:
Uh, what I really wanna do is clear up some gossip I keep hearing - and this'll be my last question: Miss Scott, you're a beautiful woman, you got a lot of life in ya, handsome young man comes to work for ya, Mr. Lessing is an attractive single man...

Viveca Scott:
And you heard that I might've dated him a couple of times, is that it? Well, that's quite true. Do you know how long ago that was? That was two years ago, and there've been hundreds since then. I like young men, Lieutenant, lots of them, and if that shocks your ancient masculine double standard, I'm sorry!

Mark McAndrews:
Make me a perfect murder, babe.

Columbo:
[to Kay] Interesting, isn't it, how you can work these small things out if you just think about it... like you got a tiny voice whisperin' right in your ear trying to tell you who did it?

Dubbing Chief:
[to Columbo] If there's one thing worse than a television lady who thinks she knows everything, it's a television lady who knows everything.

Columbo:
[entering Kay's office] That's a very impressive desk, Ma'am. You can run the world from a desk like that.

Kay Freestone:
The world doesn't count - just the West coast.

Kay Freestone:
It doesn't matter. It's only a show. I've got a million of them, Kiddo.

Columbo:
I took a trip a few years ago. Took Mrs. Columbo back to the house where I grew up. Looked all shrunk. I had five brothers and one sister, Miss Freestone, and that was really terrific. There was always someone around for company. We were never lonely.

Kay Freestone:
It's very odd. They say there's a great sense of relief that comes when something like this is over. I don't feel that at all. Quite the opposite.

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
Neil, be as humble as you like. Einstein was the most modest man I ever met.

Neil Cahill:
Sure, he could afford to be. He was a genius.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, think tank! Oh, I read about that in the paper. Yeah, that's, uh, that's a place full of geniuses, right?

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
Well...

Lt. Columbo:
Right. Uh, may I ask, sir, uh, just what is it that YOU do here?

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
I'm the director.

Steve Spelberg:
I might as well tell you right now, Lieutenant. I'm a boy genius!

Dr. Howard Nicholson:
[to Marshall about his son] He stole the work of a giant to win the approval of a tyrant.

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
[to Neil] You know, sometimes you make humility sound more like a vice than a virtue.

Steve Spelberg:
[referring to Columbo's pet beagle] He doesn't look like a police dog.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, he isn't. He's a policeman's dog. Believe me, there's a big difference.

Margaret Nicholson:
You're pretty observant.

Lt. Columbo:
Some people say I'm snoopy.

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
You don't seem too pleased.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you know, Doctor, I've been running into people by the dozens who couldn't have murdered Professor Nicholson. I wish I could run into one who COULD have.

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
[to Columbo] You know, you have a very transparent mind, which in no way implies clear thinking.

Farnsworth:
Lieutenant, I have been dean of this academy for over twenty years, and we have never had a situation like this.

Lt. Columbo:
Believe me, sir, I know you've done your best.

Farnsworth:
If a student fails, we consider it OUR failure, not his.

Lt. Columbo:
To be honest with ya, I was afraid of something like this. We've had a lot of problems with him at home.

Farnsworth:
Then you do understand we consider it best that you withdraw him.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, sir.

Steve Spelberg:
It's the second time in two days I've been treated like a kid.

Lt. Columbo:
When was the other time?

Steve Spelberg:
Uh, when Dr. Cahill asked me to go to the movies, yesterday. He's never done that before.

Lt. Columbo:
[intrigued] Is that a fact?

Steve Spelberg:
Does that mean somethin', Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, I don't know, Steve, but when people do something for the first time, detectives always get curious.

Lt. Columbo:
So you had an hour to kill before you had to get back to the airport.

Neil Cahill:
I take it you mean to use that phrase, "to kill." You mean that literally.

Lt. Columbo:
No, I was just using a figure of speech. I'm not making an accusation.

Neil Cahill:
[about Columbo] I'm telling you, he thinks I did it.

Margaret Nicholson:
I don't think he does. He's a lot wiser about people than he cares to show, or perhaps than we recognize.

Neil Cahill:
He's a cop. He's gotta hang this on SOMEBODY.

Lt. Columbo:
Hold it!

Steve Spelberg:
What's wrong?

Lt. Columbo:
Something just computed.

Dr. Marshall Cahill:
Right now you are in an institution where any staff member, including your little friend Steve, will tell you that a theory isn't worth a damn unless it can be proved.

Lt. Columbo:
It's the same way at the institute that I work at, Doctor.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, I do a little cooking, sir. Nothing fancy. Mrs. Columbo, she's a remarkable woman. She has lots of interests... but cooking isn't one of them. She gives me plenty of encouragement.

Albert:
Lieutenant, we're behind you, all of us. And I want you to know this: as long as you're on this case, you'll never go hungry.

Lt. Columbo:
The boy said something about an argument and a lot of shouting. What was that about, sir?

Paul Gerard:
It was a trivial matter.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, sir. Most arguments seem to start that way.

Lt. Columbo:
Sorry, Mr. Gerard, but I can't let you get away with it.

Paul Gerard:
What?

Lt. Columbo:
Your recipe. You didn't think I'd remember, did you? It's onion sauce.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, this is quite a coincidence. I had no idea you were here.

Paul Gerard:
Would you care to join me?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I'm really not hungry, sir. I just polished off three mushrooms stuffed with crab meat, but I'll join you anyway. If you're anything like me, you're not too crazy about eating alone.

Miss Choy:
Lieutenant, you forgot your fortune cookie.

Lt. Columbo:
To tell you the truth, ma'am, I could use some good news. [reads fortune] "Cheer up. There is more than one fish in the sea." That's the kind I always get. Once, I would like it to say I'm gonna be rich and go away on a long trip. Just once.

Paul Gerard:
I'm beginning to regard you as an old acquaintance, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, thank you very much, sir. I'm beginning to know you pretty well, too.

Lt. Columbo:
That dim sum reminds me of the kind I used to have at home.

Miss Choy:
At home, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Right around the corner from Chinatown was an Italian neighborhood. When I was a kid, I bet I had more eggrolls than I had cannelloni.

Paul Gerard:
What makes you think Vittorio was in some sort of trouble?

Lt. Columbo:
Mainly because he was murdered, sir. The two, trouble and murder, they seem to go together. At least that's been my experience, sir.

Paul Gerard:
[referring to Vittorio's death] Albert, can all this be true?

Albert:
Mr. Gerard, Vittorio was a fine man. You're a food critic, great critic. I'm a simple chef, but I'm sure I speak for chefs everywhere when I say I wish it was you dead in there.

Paul Gerard:
I wanted you to have one last taste of Tokyo before you begin your tour of American restaurants.

Kenji Ozu:
They won't believe this when I send back the story. They think I'm eating hot dogs and grits.

Eve Plummer:
Have you ever eaten grits?

Kenji Ozu:
No, not yet.

Eve Plummer:
Don't bother.

Lt. Columbo:
I expected to see you at Mr. Rossi's funeral. I guess you couldn't make it.

Paul Gerard:
I never go to funerals. I prefer to remember my friends as I saw them last.

Lt. Columbo:
I believe Mr. Rossi was yelling at you when you saw him last. Isn't that right, sir?

Paul Gerard:
You mustn't take me literally, Lieutenant.

Paul Gerard:
Have you eaten?

Lt. Columbo:
Ah, yes, sir. It seems I've been eating quite a bit lately. It's terrific.

Kenji Ozu:
Are you a lieutenant with the American Army?

Lt. Columbo:
Ah, no sir. Los Angeles Police.

Eve Plummer:
Homicide, right, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, ma'am.

Kenji Ozu:
Ah, there was a murder movie on the plane. Brilliant.

Kenji Ozu:
Do you have a hot suspect?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I've got my eyes on one. [Turns to look at Paul Gerard]

Lt. Columbo:
Oh. One more thing. Gee, I almost forgot what I came here to ask ya.

Paul Gerard:
Fortunately, you remembered.

Paul Gerard:
You're a very able man, Lieutenant. I respect that, but I really don't care for you very much.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, sir, I was thinking the same thing about you. I respect your talent, but I don't like anything else about you.

Lt. Columbo:
[Watching Paul Gerard eat the dish he prepared] What do you think?

Paul Gerard:
Lieutenant, I wish you had been a chef.

Lt. Columbo:
I understand, sir.

Paul Gerard:
When did you first suspect me?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, as it happens, sir... about two minutes after I met you.

Paul Gerard:
That can't be possible.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, you made it perfectly clear, sir, the very first night when you decided to come to the restaurant directly after you were informed that Vittorio was poisoned.

Paul Gerard:
I was instructed to come here by the police.

Lt. Columbo:
And you came, sir.

Paul Gerard:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
After eating dinner with a man that had been poisoned. You didn't go to a doctor. You came because the police instructed you. You didn't go to a hospital. You didn't even ask to have your stomach pumped. Mr. Gerard, that's the damnedest example of good citizenship I've ever seen.

Lt. Columbo:
Good evening, ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo, Homicide. I'd like to speak to Paul Gerard. Is he home?

Eve Plummer:
I'm not sure.

Lt. Columbo:
Is it a big place or is he just out to the police?

[first lines]

[Jim works in his office]

Jim Ferris:
[knock on the door] Who is it? [another knock on the door]

[He opens the door - Ken is aiming a gun at his face. Jim laughs]

Ken Franklin:
Oh, you're not intimidated.

Jim Ferris:
Oh, come on, Ken. You're forgetting that I'm one-half of the world's greatest mystery-writing team? You, ah, don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger, and there are no bullets in the cylinder.

Ken Franklin:
[smiling] You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.

Ken Franklin:
And now, sir... I'm gonna kidnap you.

Jim Ferris:
Did you ever get a feeling of d?j? vu?

[Distraught over her husband's disappearance, Joanna Ferris tries to get a drinking fountain to work]

Lieutenant Columbo:
I think that's out of order, ma'am. Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings. The fountains never work, then you have to use the coffee machine, and then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.

Joanna Ferris:
Who are you?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Uh, I'm just another cop. My name is Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Now, look, wait a minute. Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me, and I think you had a terrible experience in there, and I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.

Joanna Ferris:
Don't you think they want to ask me questions?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Oh, I don't think they'll mind. I think you've answered enough questions, and I'll call 'em and I'll tell them you're with me.

Joanna Ferris:
Well, what about Ken? Why isn't Ken here? I don't know why he isn't here.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half of the writing team?

Joanna Ferris:
[smiles ruefully] Yeah, the other half of the team.

Lieutenant Columbo:
I'll tell ya, Mrs. Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world, but there's one thing I do terrific, and that's an omelet. Even my wife admits it. Uh, I need something for the egg shells.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Hey, I'm sorry. I'm making a pest of myself.

Ken Franklin:
Naw!

Lieutenant Columbo:
Yes, yes, I am! I know, it's because I keep asking these questions, but I'll tell ya, I can't help myself. It's a habit.

[Lieutenant Columbo wants information about an insurance policy from Mike Tucker]

Mike Tucker:
Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant. We like to cooperate with the police but... if you want confidential information, I'm afraid...

Lieutenant Columbo:
Oh, well, look, uh... I don't want to cause you any trouble. Maybe it would be more helpful if I got a court order?

[Mike looks shocked]

Lilly La Sanka:
I trust you, Ken - really - but we all have our dark sides, don't we? Just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat.

Gloria Jr.:
Uh, just... one last question.

Lieutenant Columbo:
I'll tell ya what the secret is to a good omelet - no eggs, just milk.

Lieutenant Columbo:
[reading] "Jack and Jill went up the hill. Did Jack kill Jill? If so, find out why?"

Lieutenant Columbo:
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Suddenly I thought of something. How clever that first murder was. The phone gimmick, working late in the office - brilliant.

Ken Franklin:
Are you awarding gold medals today?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Yes. For the first one. Not for the second one. That was sloppy. Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.

[last lines]

Ken Franklin:
You wanna know the irony of all this? That is my idea, the only really good one I ever had. I must have told it to Jim over five years ago. Hm. Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Just one more thing, sir.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Let 'im go. No law against shooting a dead body.

Lieutenant Columbo:
When a snowball starts rolling... push.

Lieutenant Schultz:
When you see a snowball starting to move... push!

Lieutenant Columbo:
[Reacting to an emotional outburst by Jennings] I never saw a guy unwind that fast!

Lieutenant Schultz:
Miranda?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Yeah, you better.

Jess McCurdy:
Who are you?

Lieutenant Columbo:
I'm a detective.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Because I've noticed, Ms. McCurdy, you're a little like myself. When my wife, when she gets all steamed up... I don't say much until I know that it's safe to say it.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Boy, it was like an education.

Jess McCurdy:
Like hell you are.

Doctor:
Sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't know you were in such a hurry.

Lieutenant Columbo:
I am now. I just decided.

Lt. Columbo:
Just one more thing, sir.

Columbo:
Mr. Brady, sir.

Alex Bradey:
What are you doing in my desert, lieutenant?

Alex Bradey:
Coincidence is what makes a story, Lieutenant. Without coincidence, life runs evenly like a train on a track. Coincidence is a trainwreck, violence, suffering, and guilt.

Columbo:
[referring to the water bed] You know, I've never tried one of these. My wife, that's Mrs. Columbo, she tried to get me interested.

Alex Bradey:
[after Columbo lies on the bed] Well, how do you like it?

Columbo:
Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it feels all swimmy. Makes me wonder what Mrs. Columbo had in mind.

Lt. Columbo:
You would never tell.

Vanessa Barsini:
Wild horses couldn't get it out of me.

Vanessa Barsini:
One, it's nice to live at the beach. Two, I can't cook cioppino worth a damn. And three, there are more important things in life than happiness.

Vanessa Barsini:
You know your trouble, Max? All you want is all there is.

[Galesko has tied his wife to a chair]

Frances Galesko:
Are you trying to frighten me with some new-found masculinity?

Paul Galesko:
I have this... "dream", Frances. I'm working, and, uh, there's a phone call, and he says, "Terribly sorry, Mr. Galesko, but... your wife's dead. Unfortunate accident," and then I always wake up, and I want to cry. Because you're still alive, Frances, and I have nothing to face that day, but another 24 hours with a domineering, nagging, suffocating woman who took all the joy out of my life. [He takes a pistol out of his briefcase]

Frances Galesko:
Huh! Paul, don't be a fool! They'll know you did it!

Paul Galesko:
I don't think so. Not if everything works.

Frances Galesko:
You'll never get away with it!

Paul Galesko:
If not... it's a chance I'm gonna take.

Frances Galesko:
[pleading] Untie me! [Galesko shoots her]

[while trying to find a witness at a homeless shelter, a nun mistakes Lt. Columbo for a homeless man]

Sister:
[looking at Columbo's raincoat in dismay] Oh, that coat! Tch, tch, tch! That coat, that coat, that coat...! Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room. Something maybe a bit warmer? What-what size are you? Do you know?

Lt. Columbo:
I think there's a misunderstanding.

Sister:
Oh, no, brother. No false pride between friends.

Lt. Columbo:
You know what bothers me?

[Lt. Columbo goes down to the evidence room to follow up on an idea]

Captain Sampson:
Columbo! Hey! What are you doing down here in the dungeon?

Lt. Columbo:
How ya doing, Captain. Well, I was just checking out a few things: the Galesko kidnapping.

Captain Sampson:
Galesko? I thought that case was closed.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you know me, Captain. Just, uh, tying up some loose ends.

Paul Galesko:
[gesturing at Columbo's camera] Lieutenant, may I ask, what's the meaning of that?

Lt. Columbo:
You noticed. I'm sorry, sir, I tried to be inconspicuous.

Paul Galesko:
Well, you failed, miserably.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, look, I won't hold you up any longer. I want to apologize again if I caused any disturbance.

Paul Galesko:
All right, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Ah, one more thing, sir. I almost forgot. One more thing that I wanted to check on. Uh, probably not important... um...

Lt. Columbo:
[to Galesko's driver] Could you excuse us?

Captain Sampson:
Columbo, why... why are you wasting your time with this?

Lt. Columbo:
Because it bothers me, and I couldn't sleep, and, uh, I kept thinking about it!

Lt. Columbo:
I'll tell ya, if I'm right about this, it's gonna tickle the life outta me!

Lt. Columbo:
[prepares to leave] Well, I'll be running along, sir. Thank you very much for the time.

Paul Galesko:
It's all right.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, there's one other thing, sir, uh... it's a bit of a problem...

[Paul Galesko enjoys a successful showing of his work with his assistant and his publisher]

Ray:
Ooh, ooh, ooh, and, and, uh, talking about books, that funny little man came by my office again yesterday.

Paul Galesko:
What man?

Ray:
Oh, you know, the uh, policeman.

Paul Galesko:
Bombarded you with questions, I suppose, huh?

Ray:
Oh, yeah. Yeah, but he bought one of your volumes, so it wasn't a complete waste of time, eh?

Lorna McGrath:
You know, he did take quite an interest in your work the other day.

Ray:
Mm-hm.

Paul Galesko:
[spots Columbo at a distance] And today as well.

Lorna McGrath:
Hm?

Lt. Columbo:
Mr. Galesko, sir!

Ray:
Ah, good afternoon, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
[to Paul] I've been looking all over for you, sir.

Paul Galesko:
[exasperated] You have.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting...

Paul Galesko:
Lieutenant, did you want something?

Lt. Columbo:
Is there someplace, sir, that you and I could, uh, talk?

Paul Galesko:
[irritated] Columbo, you're becoming very annoying, do you know that?

Paul Galesko:
You believe that somehow I'm responsible for my wife's death. Oh, don't deny it, Lieutenant! You're like a little shaggy-haired terrier who's got a grip on my trousers, you won't let go. I can't turn around without you staring up at me with that blank, innocent expression on your face!

Lt. Columbo:
I know I've been a pest. I'm just trying to do my job. I won't bother you anymore.

Paul Galesko:
Oh, I hope you mean that, Lieutenant. For your sake and for mine.

[Lt. Columbo is giving driving instructor Mr. Weekly a lift in his car when Mr. Weekly insists he pull over]

Mr. Weekly:
Lieutenant Columbo, I'm sure you have a driver's license. It may even have been issued in this state. It may even be valid. But all of these things not withstanding, I'm sure you'll understand why I'm electing to walk the rest of the way.

Lt. Columbo:
Excuse me, Mr. Galesko, I hate to trouble you...

Paul Galesko:
Columbo, what are you doing here?

Lt. Columbo:
If I'm interrupting anything, you just tell me...

Paul Galesko:
No, of course not.

Paul Galesko:
O-oh, Lieutenant, you're priceless! You're a gem! You're a little flawed, and you're not too bright, but you're one of a kind!

Lt. Columbo:
Were you a witness to what he just did?

Sergeant Hoffman:
Yes, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Were you a witness to what he just did?

Policeman:
Yes, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
Were you a witness to what he just did?

Second Policeman:
Yes, I am, sir.

Paul Galesko:
Witness to what?

Sergeant Hoffman:
You just incriminated yourself, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
I think I'm crazy.

Lt. Columbo:
[writing note] Why didn't he rent car sooner?

Lt. Columbo:
[intrigued by a mirror image photo of the same woman] Maybe I'm nuts but, uh, this is the same photograph, isn't it?

Camera store clerk:
Yeah?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I was lookin' at this thing before and, uh... Now in this picture her left arm is bent, but in this picture her right arm is bent. I mean, now she's got two bent arms.

Camera store clerk:
Well, you see, that's a reverse negative, Lieutenant. You see, what's originally on the right comes out on the left and what's on the left on the right.

Lt. Columbo:
You mean, I could have a picture where I'm on the right and my wife's on the left and we do this reversal and then I would be on the left and my wife would be on the right?

Camera store clerk:
Absolutely.

Lt. Columbo:
I'll be a monkey's uncle. You learn sum'pin' every day.

Lt. Columbo:
[cutting up a newspaper] Just one minute, sir. I'm looking for a K.

Frances Galesko:
If this is some sort of a joke, must I remind you that you have no sense of humor. And you never had, none at all?

Lt. Columbo:
What is this, beef stew?

Thomas Dolan:
That is the prevailing theory.

Paul Galesko:
Well, Lieutenant, that man was blind drunk. He didn't know WHAT he heard.

Paul Galesko:
Lieutenant, that is not a good picture. The exposure's way too light, the framing is off, everything's way off center, the framing... It's not a good picture, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, you're right.

Sister:
[to Columbo in the soup kitchen as she encourages him to have some stew] An empty stomach is the Devil's playground.

Sergeant Hoffman:
[to Columbo] Everybody makes mistakes. That's why the jails are all filled up.

Lt. Columbo:
There's one other thing, sir, ah...

Paul Galesko:
You don't think so, huh, Lieutenant?

Mr. Weekly:
It's called defensive driving.

Lt. Columbo:
I wouldn't do that.

Columbo:
You're not losing a daughter, you're gaining a police force.

Melissa Alexandra Hayes:
Andy WHERE ARE YOU? Where are all those cops I married into? You're losing it, Melissa.

Melissa Alexandra Hayes:
Please, God, help me! Why did he let the door rust? Why didn't he oil it? Rust... that's it! Vinegar dissolves rust, vinegar does this, vinegar does that, thank you Mom for telling me that, and thank you, God! [pours a bottle of vinegar on the hinges] Let it soak in, Melissa, don't rush it.

Melissa Alexandra Hayes:
Where did you learn that?

Columbo:
Mrs. Columbo! She loves to dance! That's how I get my exercise, she wears me out!

Melissa Alexandra Hayes:
Where is your mother?

Strassa:
Oh she got her throat cut. She's up in Heaven waiting for us.

Melissa Alexandra Hayes:
Who killed her?

Strassa:
My father.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, I would have bet money that he couldn't get out of those cuffs.

Michael Lally:
Don't ever bet with Santini. He's the cream of cream.

George Thomas:
Oh, uh, Mr. Jerome was lookin' for you a while back, sir.

Santini:
Huh?

George Thomas:
Seemed important.

Santini:
Uh-huh. Everything's important to him.

George Thomas:
Could you do me a favor, sir?

Santini:
Sure, name it.

George Thomas:
Could you make him disappear? [Santini laughs] Don't tell him I said it.

Santini:
Oh, trust me, you're safe.

Jesse Jerome:
Tell me, Santini, last month before you left for New York, you didn't by chance break into this office and search through my effects?

Santini:
What a silly question. Of course I did. And I stole your Manet, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Reubens. You know I didn't.

Jesse Jerome:
I thought not. It was dreadful of me even to, uh, suggest it.

Santini:
Thank you.

Jesse Jerome:
Um, speaking of New York, uh, I take it that...

[taking a wad of cash out of an envelope]

Jesse Jerome:
...this too is, uh, some sort of joke?

Santini:
Five thousand dollars is hardly a joke.

Jesse Jerome:
Come, come, dear friend, I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic. Your recent tour netted 100,000 dollars, fifty percent of which is...

Santini:
Five percent of which is five thousand dollars.

Jesse Jerome:
No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.

Santini:
Jerome, I'm bored with you bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.

Jesse Jerome:
There are no changes... Sergeant Mueller! You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.

Santini:
I was 21. I was merely a boy.

Jesse Jerome:
No one in the SS was "merely a boy," Mueller. No one in the camps was just a boy. Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, the Israelis - yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you!

Santini:
I think not. I'm far too valuable to you.

Jesse Jerome:
You call that value?

Santini:
Mmm-hmmm.

Jesse Jerome:
I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter, and don't deny that it was you!

Santini:
Jerome, you really are an animal.

Jesse Jerome:
You're lucky! I'm a businessman. When that old man recognized you last year, didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet? That was good business. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew, well, that was very good business, too. That's why we're such a good team, you and I. You know, you do rather well, considering the circumstances. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison. I urge you to look at it realistically. Have the other 45,000 for me tonight before the performance, or believe me, it will be your last performance... anywhere. [as Santini gets up to leave, Jerome gives a Nazi salute] Heil Hitler! Have the money for me before the show.

Lt. Columbo:
Ooo, you're a remarkable man, Mr. Santini.

Santini:
How keen of you to notice it.

Santini:
[Handing him the handcuffs back] Your handcuffs!

Lt. Columbo:
[satisfied he is the murderer] I knew you could do it!

Santini:
And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder!

Lt. Columbo:
Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There is no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.

Lt. Columbo:
How does a man get shot from the front and have the body land here? The door has to be opened. The murderer opened the door. Jerome did NOT open the door. Jerome is in his office. He's ANYWHERE. He HEARS the door open. Now he comes walking forward to see what happened. The murderer sees HIM, shoots him from the front, and the body falls just where we found it. THAT I can understand.

Rogers:
Handmade. Two special baffles. I figured as much when I saw the key. That's why I can't figure out how it happened.

Lt. Columbo:
How WHAT happened?

Rogers:
This lock was picked.

Lt. Columbo:
Are you sure?

Rogers:
Take a look. Now, you see those scratches? Somebody picked it open with a thin piece of steel. Impossible - but it happened.

Lt. Columbo:
Now, when the cube is in the water tank, you're not really in that cube, right?

Santini:
Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Lt. Columbo:
It's not that I want you to give away any professional secrets.

Santini:
My dear friend, I'd rather confess to a murder than to do THAT.

Santini:
Let me clear your head up for you: I had absolutely nothing to do with the crime. I've spent half my life working on that grand illusion. It's been wonderful for me, and audiences love it, and I'm not about to divulge the secret; but, if at some point in time you and your superior - and I know he's a "tough man" - insist that I come up with an alibi, I promise you I'll produce one, but until that time, at least allow me the privacy of my professional secret. Is that fair?

Santini:
Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic we like to ask a member of our audience, a volunteer, to step forward on the stage to be Santini's attendant - or assistant, if you would. Perhaps a beautiful young woman.

[Columbo immediately jumps up and approaches the stage eagerly]

Santini:
We have a beautiful young man, instead.

Lt. Columbo:
Can you verify that?

Santini:
Can I verify WHAT?

Lt. Columbo:
That you were actually here?

Santini:
Well, you really ARE something.

Santini:
We all have our particular talents, Lieutenant. Mine happens to be illusion, and yours, I suspect, is reality - and a rather grim one at that.

Santini:
Oh, didn't I tell you? I always have brandy brought to me exactly at the same time each evening. It calms the nerves.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm trying to explain something that is not explainable.

Harry Blandford:
[chuckling] It sounds like you're talking to Santini.

Magic Shop Clerk:
Dear Jesse. To know him was to detest him.

Lt. Columbo:
I figure he's the kind of man that could do almost anything if he put his mind to it.

Michael Lally:
You mean his hand to it.

Lt. Columbo:
Right.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm gonna leave this coat in the car. If someone tries to lift it, you look the other way.

Santini:
Lieutenant, what IS it about me that you find so irresistible?

Lt. Columbo:
Why, you know how it is, sir. I gotta check out all the leads until I get my man.

Santini:
Why, Lieutenant, you've been checking up on me.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I really don't have any choice, sir.

Santini:
Why are you so preoccupied to find out my real identity?

Lt. Columbo:
Your origin may be more humble than you make it appear.

Santini:
And what about you, Lieutenant? Beneath that ruffle exterior there ticks away the heart of an empiricist philosopher, probing for the truth at all costs.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm just doin' my job.

Santini:
You make it sound so proletarian.

Lt. Columbo:
[applying deductive reasoning to the crime scene] He never did what he came up here to do. He came up here to count his money, double-locked the door, put the money on his desk, but he never opened the box. Why? Was it because he got absorbed in listening to music, or did he have something more important to do?

Sgt. John J. Wilson:
I would assume it was because he had something more important to do.

Lt. Columbo:
I think he had something more important to do.

Sgt. John J. Wilson:
You know, Lieutenant, you WOULD wear reading glasses if you were typing.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, you WOULD wear reading glasses if you were typing, but there was no paper in the typewriter.

Sgt. John J. Wilson:
Hm.

Lt. Columbo:
And there was no typewritten documents on either the desk, in the drawers, or on top. There is nothing in this room to indicate that that man was typing.

Lt. Columbo:
"Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party."

Lt. Columbo:
I hope you were watching carefully. That's my best trick. Of course, I don't have your style, but I get pretty good results.

Janie Brandt:
Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army, he can handle a gun, and he's the only one who was willing to work for that salary.

Ruth Lytton:
Lieutenant, you must never underestimate me... nor I you. I don't in the least mind you playing tricks, but you're going to have to be a little cleverer, aren't you?

Mrs. Brandt:
There is a man's arm to support any woman who wants one.

Ruth Lytton:
No, not any woman.

Mrs. Brandt:
I'll have you disbarred for this - whatever the Hell that word is.

Columbo:
Yes, ma'm. "Fired" I think is the word you want.

Columbo:
Excuse me, Darryl?

Darryl:
Yes?

[sees Columbo's hair]

Darryl:
A challenge but I'll do my best. Sit please, please.

Columbo:
Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.

Darryl:
Ah, don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.

Columbo:
Uh, no, sir.

[looks in the mirror]

Columbo:
Is it that bad?

Darryl:
Mm-hm, yes. Yes, now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!

Columbo:
You know, when I say "Homicide Department," most women, they act a little upset, so I try and calm 'em with a little chit-chat. I've been doing that for so long that I forgot to notice that you weren't upset. Forgive me for wandering off.

Ruth Lytton:
I've disappointed you. My sister won't. You needn't even bother saying "homicide." "Foul play" will do it. She faints.

Columbo:
My watch costs thirty dollars. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May first. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.

Sgt. George Carter:
Lieutenant, it IS May first. Your watch is wrong, his watch is right.

Columbo:
Oh. Well, what do you expect for thirty dollars.

Columbo:
...and I would like, if possible, to ask you a few questions about a man...

Darryl:
You joking, Lieutenant? This is the middle of a working day.

Columbo:
Well, sir, if you don't answer the questions here, I'm afraid I'll have to take you down to police department. You see, this is a murder case, sir.

Darryl:
Fine. Arrest me. I'd be disappointed in the police if they didn't do that. If I don't lose a fortune, cancel the day, offend my customers, you're gonna take me to the police headquarters. Well, go right ahead! Arrest me! Do you have the handcuffs with you? Why don't you handcuff me? I'm surprised you don't beat me unconscious so you can carry me out so I don't cause trouble. Isn't that correct?

Columbo:
Well, you've got some family, Miss Lytton. Everybody thinks I'm getting ready to arrest them.

Ruth Lytton:
Everybody but me.

Columbo:
Yes. It's a relief talking to you. I was beginning to feel like a policeman.

Ruth Lytton:
You ARE a policeman - and a good one. You say a thing when you're ready to say it and not before.

Harold Van Wick:
Margaret, dear, have you done something to your hair?

Margaret Meadis:
No.

Harold Van Wick:
[Sarcastically] That's what I thought.

Harold Van Wick:
Well, Margaret, let out all of your secret frustrations. It's good for the soul - if you still have one.

Columbo:
Of all the dumb luck.

Harold Van Wick:
Pardon me?

Columbo:
Three feet, sir. If he'd come another three feet into the room, we'd've had a perfect picture of him.

Columbo:
[to Baxter] I've got this funny habit. You know, when a person does something one way and he suddenly does something another way, I immediately think... I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.

Columbo:
Oh, just one more thing, sir. Uh, I was thinking... in banks, they always have two cameras that cover any area. No offense, but I don't understand why you went to all this trouble to put in this system, but you only put in one camera, leaving part of the room uncovered.

Harold Van Wick:
We only wanted to cover the safe. We expected a thief, not a murder.

Columbo:
How can a man walk through seven feet of soil covered in mulch, climb through the window and not leave any traces.

Harold Van Wick:
Maybe he took his shoes off.

Francine:
Marcy, have you been smoking something awful?

Marcy:
We have a customer with a cigar.

Columbo:
[looking over several modern pieces at an art gallery] Um, now, this here... I see it doesn't have a title.

Francine:
That?

Columbo:
Yes.

Francine:
That, sir, is the ventilator for the air conditioning.

Columbo:
It had to be noise. I mean, that's the only thing that would explain it; otherwise, why would her door open? You see, that's my problem, sir. What caused the door to open? There HAD to be a noise.

Harold Van Wick:
Uh, she didn't tell me the door opened.

Columbo:
She didn't?

Harold Van Wick:
No.

Columbo:
She didn't tell me, either.

Harold Van Wick:
You know, Lieutenant, my system is very elaborate and very sensitive. Uh, the more complex a system is, the more it is exposed to malfunctions. We have to accept these little problems from time to time. I'm afraid, Lieutenant, that your little parlor trick proved absolutely nothing.

Columbo:
I'm sorry to bother you again so soon.

Harold Van Wick:
Perhaps it's more convenient for you, Lieutenant, if you just move in one of our guest rooms.

Columbo:
I'm a nuisance, I know, but I do have a problem.

Columbo:
This is the last time. I promise it will not happen again.

Harold Van Wick:
All right, Lieutenant. I'll take your word for it.

Columbo:
[Just before he test fires a gun] You want to put your fingers in your ears? This thing could make a lot of noise.

Harold Van Wick:
I can handle it.

Columbo:
I wish I could say the same. [He extends his left arm to fire the pistol and uses his right to cover his right ear]

Riley Greenleaf:
Here, buy yourself a personality.

Riley Greenleaf:
You, and this place, deserve to be in the Valley.

Ms. McRae:
Lieutenant, your evidence!

Lieutenant Columbo:
Oh! I get preoccupied, I forget my head.

Jeffrey Neal:
The Trout Amondine is very good.

Restaurant Manager:
Your check, Lt.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Six dollars! Excuse me, err... no I think there's a mistake, I had the chilli and the iced tea.

Restaurant Manager:
Oh. [makes alterations on check]

Lieutenant Columbo:
Six seventy-five?

Restaurant Manager:
I forgot to add the iced tea.

Policeman in office:
Wanna cup of coffee or something?

Lieutenant Columbo:
No thanks I just ate. You want some advice, be careful where you eat chilli.

Policeman in office:
Why, too hot?

Lieutenant Columbo:
Too high!

Riley Greenleaf:
[sarcastically to Eddie as he throws bombs in dump] Bravo, Eddie! Very efficient and may I add that you are truly a living tribute to American ingenuity. A bit depressing for the rats, but, uh, what's one less rat in the world, eh, Eddie?

Mrs. Morgan:
[to an apparently drunk Greenleaf] Sir, in your condition I should call the police.

Riley Greenleaf:
[sarcastically] Madame, in your condition, i'd call a plastic surgeon.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Excuse me, I don't need a parking check?

Parking Attendant:
[pointedly] Mister, I'll remember your car.

Lieutenant Columbo:
For $100,000, ya don't kill off Rock Hudson.

Lt. Columbo:
Unique woman.

Agent Carlson:
What's that?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, I say, uh, she's an exceptional woman.

Agent Carlson:
What do you mean?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, when the phone rang, you know, she ran to the phone, she picked up the receiver, and uh, she never asked her - her husband if he was all right.

Agent Carlson:
I don't see anything strange about that. The woman was frightened, under stress.

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, yeah, yeah, she - she was, she was under stress, right. Gee, I just can't help thinking though, but... if I was in the hands of kidnappers, and my wife didn't ask me if I was okay, uh... I'd think about that.

Agent Carlson:
What's your point, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Point? No, no, no point. Just that, uh... she's a unique person.

Agent Carlson:
Good night, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, did she ask where the body was?

Agent Carlson:
No.

Lt. Columbo:
I didn't think so. Oh, listen, one more thing, Mr. Carlson. She didn't, uh, ask how her husband was killed, did she?

Agent Carlson:
No...

Lt. Columbo:
That's what I thought.

Agent Carlson:
All right, Lieutenant, what's bothering you now?

Agent Carlson:
Let's understand this one thing: if you start harassing this woman, I'm going to take it upstairs.

Lt. Columbo:
Ah, just one minute, uh, Mr. Carlson. You see, it's like this: this is not just a kidnapping; this is a murder now... and I kinda figure that's my department. I'll see ya 'round.

Leslie Williams:
You know, Columbo, you're almost likable in a shabby sort of way. Maybe it's the way you come slouching in here with your shopworn bag of tricks.

Lt. Columbo:
Me? Tricks?

Leslie Williams:
The humility, the seeming absent-mindedness, the uh, homey anecdotes about the family: the wife, you know? [laughs]

Lt. Columbo:
Really?

Leslie Williams:
Yeah, Lieutenant Columbo, fumbling and stumbling along. But it's always the jugular that he's after. And I imagine that, more often than not, he's successful.

Lt. Columbo:
I appreciate that compliment, Mrs. Williams, and I particularly appreciate it coming from you.

Lt. Columbo:
I don't know how you do it.

Michael Clark:
Do what?

Lt. Columbo:
Work for a woman.

Leslie Williams:
[to Columbo as he attempts to fly] Keep the planes nose up. You have to treat the plane like a woman. You have to treat it gently. You have to treat her very gently.

Leslie Williams:
Where will all your friends be, Margaret? You haven't the money to buy them anymore.

Lt. Columbo:
[to Leslie Williams] No conscience limits your imagination.

Lt. Columbo:
You see the thing is with me, eh... I'm a strange guy.

Leslie Williams:
Really?

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, I worry. I mean little thing bother me. I'm a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details, I lose my appetite, I can't eat. My wife she says to me: "You know, you can really be a pain", you know what I mean?

Leslie Williams:
I get the general picture.

Lt. Columbo:
Eh, say, eh, you know I have this cousin Ralph, eh, his name is Ralph. Eh, anyway eh, Ralph was the greatest at everything. You know I mean he thought better, he talked better, he made out better. Ralph was the greatest. I mean Ralph, boy, that Ralph was something, I'll tell you that. I'll never forget him.

Leslie Williams:
Eh, is there a point to this story, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
A point?

Leslie Williams:
A point.

Lt. Columbo:
No, I don't think there's a point, except... well maybe, you know maybe what it was, is that when you were talking about your husband in the plane, I guess that reminded me of Ralph. You see, because Ralph, he was a bore. I mean he was so perfect, there were times I felt like killing him.

Margaret Williams:
I Know you did it. I know it.

Leslie Williams:
I think you ought to see a doctor, Margaret.

Margaret Williams:
Do you?

Leslie Williams:
Yes I do, I think you're a very sick girl. [Margaret turns her back. After a beat] Are you listening?

Margaret Williams:
Yes, but it's very difficult because I'm so sick.

Lt. Columbo:
You know the soap you have in the bathroom, the ones shaped like little lemons? Well I was almost afraid to use 'em.

Leslie Williams:
But that's what they're there for, lieutenant - to be used.

Lt. Columbo:
Well if you don't mind my asking: when you use one, and you put it back in the plate, how do you keep it from sticking to the others?

Leslie Williams:
It's a problem.

Lt. Columbo:
That's what I figured.

Leslie Williams:
Lieutenant Columbo, thank you for straightening Margaret out. I appreciate it.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, it was the only thing I could do. I mean I just can't have you accused of murder on the wrong evidence.

Lt. Columbo, Leslie Williams:
Ah, Mrs. Williams! Don't you have any live-in servants?

Leslie Williams:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, well it must be the same problem everywhere. You want something done, you gotta do it yourself.

Leslie Williams:
How's that?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, I was just saying, you pay a lot of money for help, and you end up doin the cooking.

Leslie Williams:
Well, you see, my housekeeper's been on vacation the last few weeks.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, I see then, so you've been here alone. Well, listen, if there's, I mean, anything I can do to help, peel potatoes, whatever, you just feel free.

Lt. Columbo:
I had an uncle. He played bagpipes in the shriners band. He couldn't play a note, but nobody could tell the difference.

Jerry Parks:
[points to his head] You can't get a search warrant for what's in here.

Nora Chandler:
You couldn't get bus fare for what's in there!

Lt. Columbo:
You understand, Miss Chandler, the only reason your poor secretary is dead is because somebody made a terrible mistake last night.

Jerry Parks:
[sitting at Nora's bar after she has poured herself a drink] Aren't you gonna pour me one?

Nora Chandler:
Buy your own!

Mr. Fallon:
[to Columbo] Actors, Lieutenant. Take my advice - avoid actors. They'll kill ya.

Gate Guard:
Hey, Lieutenant, did you ever think of getting another car?

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, but I got another car. My wife drives it. Of course, it's nothing special. Just for transportation.

Mr. Fallon:
[to Columbo] I would never typecast you as a detective, either.

Nora Chandler:
Oh, Jerry. I didn't know you were in town.

Jerry Parks:
I had to rush home, do some local promotion for my new book.

Nora Chandler:
Oh, another book? Who's bedroom did you pry into THIS time.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, Miss Chandler, if anybody ever told me I'd be standing here... I mean, right face-to-face with you... I mean, I've been in love with you all my life.

Nora Chandler:
I know. You never expected to meet a legend.

Jerry Parks:
Oh, Lieutenant, I thought you wanted to use the phone.

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah, but I was just gonna call my wife and she's probably still talking, so...

Nora Chandler:
Now, what have you told the police?

Jerry Parks:
What is there to tell? That you tried to kill me? That would be like disposing of the goose who owes me a golden egg.

Jerry Parks:
Her dear, departed husband would be spinning in his grave... if he had one.

Dr. Frank Simmons:
And, Lieutenant, as for you, you have an obtuse manner which some people find ingratiating. I do not. Do you follow me?

Lt. Columbo:
You know, a part of me really didn't want 'em to add up.

Columbo:
What kinda house sells for 5.7 million? Must have a lot of bedrooms!

Vivian Dimitri:
Yes, eight, I think.

Columbo:
What is it, some kind of mansion?

Vivian Dimitri:
Well, not exactly. It needs a little work, but it's in the right neighborhood.

Columbo:
Needs work? You mean it's a fixer?

Vivian Dimitri:
Well, I wouldn't go that far!

Columbo:
Gracie, what happened, you lost the chef?

Gracie:
Chef?

Columbo:
Brama, the big guy. He had one brown eye, one blue.

Gracie:
He went back to Mazatlan two months ago. We have a new guy back there, now, Heinrich.

Columbo:
Heinrich? You got a guy named Heinrich to make Chili? [Gets up to leave] Keep the change. [Puts money on counter. Turns to sergeant] Come on Brady, I gotta walk this stuff off. [Walking outside] My wife told me that that stuff was gonna kill me some day. I think she was right.

Dr. Steadman:
Well, perhaps the lieutenant would like to see a menu?

Columbo:
Ah, that won't be necessary, sir. [as Maitre D' walks away with back turned,] I'll just have a BLT on white toast and cream soda.

Maitre D':
[Maitre D' abruptly turns around, and while filling out menu, says] One embarcadero garni.

Columbo:
Thank you very much. [Looking at Dr. Steadman's plate] What are they, snails?

Dr. Steadman:
Escargo dipped in garlic butter. Flavor is fantastic.

Columbo:
Oh garlic, that's what I smell. What's it for? [pause] To kill the taste of the snails?

Maitre D':
[Returning with plate 5 minutes later] Your embarcadero, sir. Garni.

Columbo:
Ah, excuse me, I just ordered a B.L.T., what's all this?

Maitre D':
That's garni, sir.

Columbo:
Oh. Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not feeling too hungry. Maybe you could put this in a doggie bag and I'll eat it on the plane?

Maitre D':
[With expression of disdain] Of course, sir.

Columbo:
Thank you. Ah, just the sandwich. The garni... you can keep the garni.

Dr. Joan:
Do you think less of me?

Lt. Columbo:
Ma'am, I'm just a policeman. Judging people... that's all up to someone else, but I have to say that I've enjoyed our talks very much, and I think I do understand.

Helen Hendrix:
[at the charity reception] Go circulate! Get money for music!

Dr. Joan:
Married women circulate - single women mingle.

Dr. Joan:
Could I bring you something to drink?

Charlie:
Uh, sure, could you manage some sparkling mineral water?

Dr. Joan:
I think so... [to Columbo] Same for you. Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, no, thank you, Ma'am. I'll just have some seltzer.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, but when you get right down to it, Ma'am, only one woman came in, and only one woman went out, and whatever all this means, we have to look at the lady in black, and when we find her, I promise yuh, you're gonna be the first to know!

Doris Buckner:
Roger, I called the Commissioner of Police, and he said he'd send over his very best man.

Roger Stanford:
[looking Columbo over] Is that a fact?

Lt. Columbo:
Lt. Columbo: Well, my wife, she says I'm second-best, but, uh... She claims there are eighty fellas tied for first.

Lt. Columbo:
You don't think that all of these people wanted to kill Mr. Buckner, do you?

Roger Stanford:
I did; but, a large corporation is like a jungle, Lieutenant, to coin a phrase.

Roger Stanford:
[annoyed] Lieutenant, you take an inordinate length of time to come to the point.

Lt. Columbo:
You know something, Roger? The truth is hard to find - sometimes - but sometimes it's right in front of ya and ya can't prove it.

Lieutenant Columbo:
Oh sir, just one more thing.

Graham McVeigh:
No, Lieutenant, there is no "just one more thing." Goodbye!

Vincenzo Fortelli:
I'll give you a choice. You can walk outta here and never come back, keep your mouth shut; the other choice, I don't think I have to go into a bunch of detail about.

Lieutenant Columbo:
You're not gonna kill a police officer?

Vincenzo Fortelli:
Wouldn't be the first time.

Graham McVeigh:
[after long, pensive stares at McVeigh and Fortelli, Columbo turns and heads out] For God's sake!

Lieutenant Columbo:
[Stopping and turning around] I'm sorry sir. They don't pay me enough for this kind of stuff.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I'll tell ya what bothers me...

Lt. Columbo:
[Columbo shows Dale Kingston a print he bought of a painting by Sam Franklin] What do you think? Any good?

Dale Kingston:
For wallpaper in a child's room, absolutely perfect. In fact, looks like it might have been done by an untalented twelve-year-old.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, I was kind of afraid you were gonna say something like that. But you know, then I say, why would you bother to go there last night, if this guy's stuff is so bad? I mean, this was painted by the artist whose exhibit you were covering...

Dale Kingston:
Lieutenant Columbo, unlike my uncle, I am NOT independently wealthy. I have to work for a living. Magazines pay me to review art. Unfortunately, they pay me best when I write hostile reviews about hacks like Sam Franklin.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, well, I tell ya, I'd sure hate to see his review when you write it.

Dale Kingston:
Hmmm.

[Columbo comes to the gallery to question Sam Franklin, who's painting in the next room]

Mitilda:
Sam! Uh, this is the policeman who phoned. Is it all right?

Sam Franklin:
[wearily] Eh, bring him in. They interrupted Rembrandt. Why shouldn't they interrupt me?

Lt. Columbo:
[coming to talk with Dale Kingston after he finishes hosting his TV art program] Uh, so this is a television studio, huh?

Dale Kingston:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
Quite a place.

Dale Kingston:
Well, it's a barn, really. I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you thought it'd be.

Lt. Columbo:
That's right, it isn't, uh, but things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?

Dale Kingston:
My, how observant you are.

Lt. Columbo:
You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. Hope you don't mind.

Dale Kingston:
Oh, that's your job. And?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, the parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there, all right. So that if Mr. Matthews was killed at eleven o'clock, then you sure didn't do it.

Dale Kingston:
Now isn't that a shame, Lieutenant? And here I am, your best and most obvious suspect, too. Tch, tch, tch, tch.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, don't say things like that. Really, you got me all wrong.

Dale Kingston:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, listen, one more thing...

[Kingston groans in exasperation]

Lt. Columbo:
It'll just... it'll just take a second. I stopped by your apartment a few times.

Dale Kingston:
Why, do you want to search my place?

Lt. Columbo:
No. Just to ask you something about art. You said you had some books and things there that I could see.

Dale Kingston:
You may look at anything you wish. You can snoop in all of my closets. You can peek under the beds. You won't find any stolen paintings.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, really, I've never said anything about...

Dale Kingston:
[removes key from key ring] Here, would you like the key to my apartment? You may simply leave it under the mat when you leave.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, really, I...

Dale Kingston:
No, no, go ahead, I insist. See what I live like, find out what kind of human being I am, learn everything you can about me.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, I... I mean, I admit it would be more convenient, but, uh...

[takes key, to Dale's surprise]

Lt. Columbo:
...thank you very much, Mr. Kingston. Uh, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. I might drop by and borrow a few books or something like that.

Lt. Columbo:
It's just that... I get bugged by those little things.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm sorry... I'm terribly sorry...

[Dale Kingston's confederate recoils at the sight of the body of Dale's uncle]

Dale Kingston:
Pull yourself together. There's no reason to be frightened. Just my uncle. I assure you he's far more amiable now than he ever was when he was alive.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm gonna tell you something. Do you know that there is a reasonable explanation for everything, if you just put your mind to it? Course, sometimes these things, they pop up. Like with alibis. Do you know in most cases, people, they don't remember what time it is. They forget all that. Like the artist fella; he's all mixed up about the time. And Mrs. Matthews... she don't even remember what time she went to bed last night!

Dale Kingston:
Being sober might help, I suppose.

Lt. Columbo:
Now with you, Mr. Kingston, it's just the opposite. Very unusual. With you, we know exactly where you were, and when. Not only that, we know your whole car was empty.

Dale Kingston:
Yes, isn't that nice?

Lt. Columbo:
Any man that can sing like that can't be all bad

Lady:
Lieutenant Columbo. Are you with the Army?

Lt. Columbo:
Los Angeles Police Department.

Lady:
Oh. Have we done something?

Lt. Columbo:
No, ma'am. Not that I know of, no. I'm just here - I'm just part of an investigation.

Lady:
Well, of what? Are you with the Vice Squad? I don't remember having a good time.

Lt. Columbo:
[Showing ID in a hushed tone] L.A.P.D., Lieutenant Columbo. I just didn't want to identify myself in front of the reporter.

Roland Pangborn:
Why not?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, it's like you're saying, it's better to be unofficial until you get the facts.

Edna Basket Brown:
May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.

Tommy Brown:
You got a good ear for music.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, you know I'm Italian.

Lt. Columbo:
My ears pop in an elevator. As a matter if fact, I don't even like being this tall.

Tommy Brown:
If he's busted that guitar, I'm gonna bust his neck.

Lt. Columbo:
Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.

Luke Basket:
That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That good, ain't it?

Lt. Columbo:
[pause] Hmm. Yeah, that explains it.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm not here to pry into your personal life.

Tommy Brown:
My personal life is an open book. Everybody knows I done time.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, sir, but what you've done since you've gotten out, that's been an inspiration to a lot of people.

Tommy Brown:
Then what're you buggin' me for?

Lt. Columbo:
You know what the problem is? You're a celebrity. Because of you, my boss, he won't let me close up this case until I covered everything. Every loose end's gotta be tied up. Hey, make you crazy. So that's the problem.

Tommy Brown:
That's a cryin' shame. It really is. Man with your talent, real killers loose out there, and they got you chasin' smoke.

Lt. Columbo:
Whadda ya gonna do? That's the job, right? You take the good with the bad.

Mr. Grindell:
I'm a great admire of the police department, you know...

Lt. Columbo:
I didn't know but I'm always glad to hear that

Mr. Grindell:
Why shouldn't you hear of it? After all you men are so willing to give your life to save ours!

Lt. Columbo:
Well... Let's hope it doesn't come up too often.

Mr. Grindell:
Yes, yes, yes... But it does, doesn't it? Especially in these violent times, its um... Just this morning at the breakfast with my dear wife Martha, I glanced at the paper and I uh, I noted the rate of police mortality is just shocking, I mean, it just... well you must be aware of that.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, we don't like to think about it often...

Mr. Grindell:
But one should think of it, shouldn't one?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, it's just kind of thing you don't really do anything about till you have to.

Mr. Grindell:
But, if you need a funeral, you'd not be in the condition to do anything about it, you see... [both chuckle uncomfortably]

Lt. Columbo:
Right, I see what you mean...

Lt. Columbo:
You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away that it wasn't gonna be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured, if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.

Oliver Brandt:
I can tell you do.

Lt. Columbo:
Here I've been talking with the most intelligent people in the world, and I never even noticed.

Oliver Brandt:
No! This is what he would've done! This! There! There! Oh, my... Oh, my...

Suzy:
I've tried Esalen, Primal Scream, Pyramid Power, Synanon, a Black Mass in San Francisco, open marriage, est, TA, TM, I'm Okay You're Okay, and I'm still a target.

Suzy:
I like the way you wear your hair.

Lt. Columbo:
What I'm saying is... Oh, thank you very much, ma'am. I like the way you wear yours.

Oliver Brandt:
I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children; so, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift, conceal it from my own brothers and sisters, my classmates, in the service... Painful, lonely years.

Oliver Brandt:
Bertie had a tin ear. He understood nothing and liked everything... Tchaikovsky included.

Oliver Brandt:
I want what is DUE me! Some affection, understanding, gratitude! Support in the worst of times!

Vivian Brandt:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Oliver Brandt:
I have embezzled funds! And I did it for you.

Vivian Brandt:
Oliver, I've never understood about business. I belong to another part of your life.

Oliver Brandt:
Do you understand what I am telling you?

Vivian Brandt:
No. And I don't think I want to.

Oliver Brandt:
Alas, my dear, I shall not be needing you... anymore.

Lt. Columbo:
There's just one more thing, sir!

Joe Devlin:
Politics makes liars of us all, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
A rare old bird is the pelican. His bill holds more than his belly can. He can take in his beak enough food for a week. I'm damned if I know how the hell he can!

Lt. Columbo:
There once was an old man from Lyme who married three wives at a time. When asked "Why a third?" he replied, "One's absurd, and two of 'em, sir, is a crime."

Joe Devlin:
Do you know these lines, Lieutenant? They're by Lewis Carroll: "You can charge me with murder, or want of sense - we are all of us weak at times - but the slightest approach to a false pretense was never among my crimes."

Lt. Columbo:
[Shocked at the high price of a book] $55 for a book? I could have my car fixed for that.

Joe Devlin:
[to Columbo] Japan sends televisions. Ireland sends whiskey. D'you care for a nip?

Lt. Columbo:
There once was a fella named Finnegan, who escaped from a jail so to sin again. He broke laws by the dozen, even stole from his cousin, so the jail he broke outta he's in again.

[final line]

Lt. Columbo:
This far, and no farther!

Joe Devlin:
A famous Irish philosopher named Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel once wrote that the essence of tragedy isn't the conflicts between right and wrong - it's the conflicts of right and right.

Joe Devlin:
Justice for the many. Justice for the free. Let each man be paid in full. That's just enough for me.

Joe Devlin:
Here's to friendship, ripe and long. Here's to voices raised in song. Here's to a long and thirsty night. Here's to the stuff that makes it right.

Joe Devlin:
The limerick is furtive and mean. You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums, And promptly becomes, Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

Joe Devlin:
You see, at a very early age I decided to be me own master and the servant of no one, and that left two promising possibilities: either to be a king or a poet. Now, as Ireland had her fill of kings, I clearly saw I had to educate meself to a way of words, so I took to drink immediately, fell in love at every opportunity, and avoided the schoolroom like the plague. I advise you to do the same.

Joe Devlin:
We execute traitors, Mr. Pauley. Didn't you know that?

Lt. Columbo:
I couldn't resist trying your pinball machine. I guess I tried a little too hard, but that's an old problem with me, sir. The way I keep steering and pushing and pulling at things, someday the whole sky is gonna light up, and it's gonna say "tilt," and that's gonna be the end of the world.

Sergeant Frederic Wilson:
J'ever see one of these before, Lieutenant?

Columbo:
Uh... no, not sure I have. It, eh, looks kind of familiar, though.

Sergeant Frederic Wilson:
It's a camera-mounted starlight scope. They used 'em quite a bit at Berkeley for night work.

Columbo:
You mean that takes pictures in the dark?

Sergeant Frederic Wilson:
Yeah. I bought this one myself.

Columbo:
You used your own money?

Sergeant Frederic Wilson:
Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.

Columbo:
You must be a bachelor.

Tony Goodland:
Look, this whole thing better work. It just better work, that's all.

Jarvis Goodland:
Oh, it'll work. I planned it.

Columbo:
Listen, if I arrested everybody with an unregistered weapon in Los Angeles, believe me, I'd have half the population in jail.

Jarvis Goodland:
Well, I must say, Catherine, our kidnapper, whoever he is, is certainly no piker. To demand a ransom of $300,000... Why, I'll wager, a week here and there, even YOU don't spend that sort of money.

Cathy Goodland:
Don't you ever stop, Jarvis?

Jarvis Goodland:
However, leaving our personal affection aside, you must realize that my situation is such that even I couldn't pour even the smallest drop into such a huge bucket - even though I'm not a weakling with a spendthrift wife.

Jarvis Goodland:
Ah, the trust fund! That's why you wanted ME here.

Cathy Goodland:
Well, Jarvis, I certainly knew you wouldn't help me raise the money any other way.

Columbo:
I'm sorry. I don't quite understand about that trust fund.

Jarvis Goodland:
Well, you see, I'm co-administrator with the bank of a trust fund set up by Tony's father. And you, Catherine, should know, of all people, that he put enough strings in there to protect Tony from his own bad habits... and grasping wives.

Jarvis Goodland:
Now, there's no use glaring at me like that. Blood is thicker than martinis.

Columbo:
Uh, your nephew's wrecked car, for instance, uh... You know, we found that thing with the ignition and lights off and the gear in neutral.

Jarvis Goodland:
Neutral? But the letter said he was forced off the road. Perhaps they grabbed Tony and then pushed the car over the side to keep it out of sight, don't you think?

Columbo:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what it looks like, all right. Of course, only then, one of them made that first telephone call to Mrs. Goodland.

Jarvis Goodland:
Well, that was to make her believe the letter when she got it. She's a very hard woman to convince of ANYTHING, Lieutenant.

Columbo:
Mmm. I wonder how they knew that.

Sergeant Frederic Wilson:
Lieutenant, as you've probably noticed, there are three cups, three plates, three different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.

Columbo:
Yeah. Awfully obvious.

Sergeant Frederic Wilson:
Well, sir, different officers do have their different methods. I must say, the lieutenant's investigatory procedures do differ somewhat from my own.

Jarvis Goodland:
Well, that speaks very well for you, Sergeant Wilson.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, sir?

Walter Cunnell:
Yes?

Lt. Columbo:
You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?

Walter Cunnell:
No.

Lt. Columbo:
What'd you pay for those shoes?

Eve Babcock:
Hi, darling.

Lt. Columbo:
Miss Babcock?

Eve Babcock:
[laughs] Don't be so Cincinnati. My name is Eve. And don't be so embarrassed. I've been expecting you.

Walter Cunnell:
What is all this? Autopsy? Lab crews?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, just part of a routine murder investigation, sir. Excuse me.

Walter Cunnell:
Murder?

Lt. Columbo:
I thought I had trouble with my TV when my wife used the hairdryer, so the electrician, he explained it to me. You find this boring?

Paul Hanlon:
Columbo, are you in charge of this mess or not?

Lt. Columbo:
Sir...

Paul Hanlon:
This is...!

Lt. Columbo:
Sir, I'm only trying to solve a murder...

Lt. Columbo:
This is what bothers me: Why were you fired from that job after only three days? Because, if you don't mind my noticing, you'd be an ornament in any office.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, I had tickets for the game? Didn't even use 'em. Couldn't enjoy it. Till I find the answer, I can't think of anything else.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, when I'm listening to a game and my wife interrupts - I can't help myself - I want to hear that game, and I don't care how important the interruption.

Paul Hanlon:
[trying to hear a game himself] Your wife has my sympathy.

Emmett Clayton:
Well, chess *is* the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?

Tomlin Dudek:
You think so? I always thought it was women.

2nd Reporter:
Mr. Clayton, there's the world's most legendary chess genius, comes out of retirement just to play you, and you're not even curious enough...

Emmett Clayton:
Curiosity breeds sympathy, my friend, and sympathy is one emotion a champion can not afford on the night before the match.

Columbo:
I'll tell you what bothered me.

[last lines]

Columbo:
I'm sorry, Mr. Clayton, but along with all the other trivial evidence that we've talked about, the murderer in this case just had to be a deaf man.

Purser Watkins:
Lieutenant Columbo? The Captain would like to see you right away.

Lt. Columbo:
The Captain? To see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...

Purser Watkins:
It's not about your wife, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
[seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. My wife and I were checked into this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.

Lt. Columbo:
[Pointing to surgical gloves] Do you know how many pairs of these you have on board?

Doctor Frank Pierce:
Uh, no, not offhand.

Lt. Columbo:
[Lt. Columbo is preparing to test fire a bullet for a ballistics check] Would you mind?

Hayden Danziger:
Mind what?

Lt. Columbo:
Mind firing the gun into the mattress. I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot. I'm liable to miss.

Purser Watkins:
And, uh, Lieutenant, that's a boat.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, that's a... and... To hell with it.

Hayden Danziger:
[to Rosanna] You're sticking it to the wrong guy. I spent twenty years building up my business, and no smart little broad from Pittsburgh is gonna take it away from me.

Capt. Gibbon:
[to Columbo] Lieutenant, on the high seas we don't ask - I order!

Capt. Gibbon:
[noting Columbo's raincoat] O-o-oh, tell me, Lieutenant... um... do you expect inclement weather in the Mexican waters?

Lt. Columbo:
No, they tell me the weather down there's great this time of the year.

Hayden Danziger:
Why are you checking on previous passengers?

Lt. Columbo:
It's the timing of the murder, sir. Whoever killed Miss Wells must've known that she would go to her cabin during the break. You see, that would suggest a member of the crew or a member of the band. A passenger wouldn't know that - not on the FIRST night of the cruise - but a previous passenger WOULD.

Lt. Columbo:
Saxophone repair, lead sheets, piano tuning, hotel, restaurant... All these receipts have one thing in common. They represent tax deductions, with one single exception - the receipt for the gun. He can't deduct that. He can deduct all these, so we know why he saved these. I'll tell ya, sir, for the life of me I can't understand why he saved this one.

Lloyd Harrington:
Wait, Lieutenant, the man in the photograph... Do you think he's the one that did it?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes. But don't say anything. I haven't gotten him yet.

Lt. Columbo:
We're going on a tropical cruise. Who packs gloves?

Lt. Columbo:
You know, I can remember the only new car my father ever bought. How proud he was. The way it smelled. Kind of like the inside of a Pullman car. It wasn't like this though, I'll tell you that.

Abigail Mitchell:
My father never owned a car. Not until I bought him one. I was 20; I'd just sold my first book. Shall we compare poverty stories, Lieutenant?

Lt. Columbo:
Not in a Rolls Royce, ma'am.

Martin Hammond:
Abigail, you are the most exasperating woman I have ever met!

Abigail Mitchell:
I accept all superlatives.

Lt. Columbo:
[Referring to an old chair] Can I sit in this?

Abigail Mitchell:
Well, that's what it was made for 400 years ago.

Abigail Mitchell:
I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant. I think you're a very kind man.

Lt. Columbo:
Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell. Don't count on it.

[last lines]

Abigail Mitchell:
Just think, Lieutenant, if you had investigated my niece's death, all this need never have happened.

Abigail Mitchell:
[about Columbo's basset hound] Is he all right?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, yes, ma'am. Do you see something wrong?

Abigail Mitchell:
He seems to be scraping bottom.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, that's the way they were made.

Lt. Columbo:
[to his dog] Okay. Now, don't go away. Stay.

[Dog runs off]

Lt. Columbo:
He's trained.

Abigail Mitchell:
Amazing.

Abigail Mitchell:
Besides, I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo.

Lt. Columbo:
[mocking] 'I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo'. I wish Mrs. Columbo could hear that.

Lt. Columbo:
I can't tell you what a big help you've been.

Abigail Mitchell:
"Big help to Lieutenant Columbo." Wish my publishers could hear you say that.

Abigail Mitchell:
Is there murder in our civilized hearts? Obviously, there is in mine, and I'm well-paid.

Lt. Columbo:
My car's right here. It's French. Very rare.

[Abigail looks at Columbo's car, dust-covered, front grill manged, and with license plate askew]

Abigail Mitchell:
Uh, yes. Oh, I can see why.

Dr. Wesley Corman:
[referring to Columbo] That guy's a real pain in my butt!

Dr. Wesley Corman:
Bet the winners, Lieutenant. I always bet the winners.

Nancy Walker:
If a movie were to be made about their marriage, it would be 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Part 2'.

Dr. Wesley Corman:
You think I killed Evan?

Columbo:
Yes sir, I do.

Columbo:
If you don't mind, sir, it's very cold out here, you think I could come in? This coat doesn't have a lining.

Columbo:
I don't know what I want, but I don't want the usual.

Jenifer Welles:
Well, I thought you might be a little angry.

Alex Benedict:
How could I be angry looking at you? I just don't like ultimatums, that's all.