Cool and Lam

[first lines]

Thatcher:
Mr. Lam...

Donald Lam:
Yes?

Thatcher:
Remember me, Conway Thatcher? Two years ago, my partner disappeared. I was accused of murder.

Donald Lam:
Of course! Your partner was Frazier Dunlap. I found him in Bakersfield and brought him back. How's everything now?

Thatcher:
Oh, he ran off again - with my wife and all my money. Thanks for bringing him back.

[Thatcher slugs Lam in the jaw knocking Lam against Bertha's secretary's desk]

Elsie Brand:
Are you all right, Mr. Lam?

Donald Lam:
Yeah... if you like starting your day with a punch in the jaw.

Elsie Brand:
At least this time you bounced.

Donald Lam:
Where do you think Mrs. Lintig could be?

Dr. Lintig:
I don't know. She left Oakview in 1937.

Bertha Cool:
After twenty years, who cares if she remarried?

Dr. Lintig:
I'm paying you to answer *my* questions.

Bertha Cool:
[to Donald] On your way to Oakview, lover boy. This one's a cinch. Dig up some old newspapers, ask some questions and be back tomorrow with the answers. Take along a few sandwiches, sleep in the car and it's pure profit!

[Donald is pouring over back issues of the Oakview newspaper]

Marion Dunton:
Here you are, Mr. Lam, the 1935 file.

Donald Lam:
Thanks!

Marion Dunton:
And the '34. You'll need it.

Donald Lam:
Who says so?

Marion Dunton:
More background on the Lintig scandal.

Donald Lam:
Lintig? Never heard of Lintig.

Marion Dunton:
Twenty years go by. No one's ever mentioned the Lintigs. So she boosted it up with the boys while the doc slaved away. That was twenty years ago. All of a sudden, BAM, it's a hot item. Any questions?

Donald Lam:
Yeah. Where can you get a decent meal in this town?

Donald Lam:
You're a real gold mine of information, but for the wrong guy.

Marion Dunton:
A girl gets tired of working for a small-town newspaper for her uncle. Maybe a girl would like to get a job in a big city like L.A.

Donald Lam:
Big city? Try San Francisco - L.A.'s just a village with gland trouble.

Marion Dunton:
Okay, so go eat at Murphy's diner. Order anything - it all comes out pot roast.

Donald Lam:
Thanks - Murphy's Diner.

Marion Dunton:
My name is Dunton - Marian Dunton. Ms. Dell is in Room 5, Oakview Beach Motel. And the next time you want to look uninterested, don't squint while you memorize.

John Harbet:
My friends tell me you're little but smart.

Donald Lam:
I had a chance to be tall and stupid. I blew it.

Donald Lam:
...I wake up on the beach outside of Oakview. My car is parked off the road. It takes both my hands to carry my achin' head to the car.

Bertha Cool:
I wonder if bandages are deductible?

Bertha Cool:
The medical association says Dr. James Lintig got his name changed legally to Charles Altmont. He's moved to Santa Carlotta.

Donald Lam:
Santa Carlotta? There's a wide-open little town. They've invented some new vices and kept all the old ones.

Bertha Cool:
[to Flo] Take it easy, girlie, unless you want to be the only bald-headed woman on the block.

[last lines]

Bertha Cool:
Doc Lintig was very grateful for keeping his name out of the whole mess. He sent us a lovely bouquet of money.

Donald Lam:
Good! I'm taking Marion to dinner to celebrate.

Bertha Cool:
I know a joint - 65 cent meals, real nice paper napkins. They got a jukebox next door; you can hear the music through the walls. It's on Pico!

Donald Lam:
We're going to dinner at Chasen's for real champagne. I'm bringing my own gypsy violinist. I'll charge it to expenses!