Date Movie

Nicky:
Thinking about the honeymoon makes my sack all quivery and sh*t.

Frank Jones:
Put some hummus on it

Galdalf:
[Gandlaf is hit in the crotch] My precious!

Julia Jones:
You had me at hello.

Grant Funkyerdoder:
I'm just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her.

Frank Jones:
I was wrong about Grant. He's really a nice guy. He even liked you when you were butt-ugly.

Julia Jones:
How do you...?

Frank Jones:
I saw it in your flashback.

Andy:
Grant told me you were pretty, but he didn't mention that you were flat-chested. How cute.

Andy:
[to Grant] Choose me. Marry me!

Grant Funkyerdoder:
[voice-over reading his message to Julia] If you still love me the way I love you, meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks.

Julia Jones:
On the internet?

Grant Funkyerdoder:
[still in voice-over] No, not in "You've Got Mail," in "Sleepless in Seattle."

Frank Jones:
When I first got married to your mother, we barely knew each other. Could barely even speak the English language.

Julia Jones:
But you're from Jersey...

Frank Jones:
I'm trying to make a point here.

Andy:
I'll give you two grand if I can f*** you in the ass.

Grant Funkyerdoder:
[faking an orgasm] OH, yeah. Oh yeah that's it! Yes! Yes, yes, yes. Y-y-y-y-yes! Whew... yes.

Waitress:
So you're saying you want the porkchops?

Julia Jones:
I'll have what he's having.

Michael Jackson Look-A-Like:
C'mon! It's just a little Jesus juice!

Napoleon:
Idiot! Hell no I won't marry you! Gosh! What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! [Starts dancing]

Julia Jones:
[after sex with Grant] Thant was... Amazing!

Old Woman:
[Old woman in window appears] It sure was... [she starts caressing her body] Oh... OHHH... OHHHHHHH... She faked it Grant [Grant looks at Julia, Old woman whispers;] But I didn't... Meow... Meow... Purrrrrrr... Purrrrrr

Old Cat Woman:
[watching through the window] She was faking it, but I wasn't.

Julia Jones:
Well, we want a traditional wedding. Something simple yet elegent.

Jell-O:
Yo! I know exactly the place. Muy romantico! [Holds up a picture of a Taco Bell]

Jell-O:
Taco Butt. Think outside my buns.

Julia Jones:
It's not quite what we had in mind.

Linda Jones:
So Grant ever knock any one up?

Julia Jones:
Mom!

Linda Jones:
What? I want many grandchildren and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not

[Grant walks in with Jinxers on the toilet]

Grant Funkyerdoder:
[shocked] Oh... Sorry

Frank Jones:
That's Jinxers! I taught him how to do that.

Roz Fockyerdoder:
[gives Julia the present after the wedding] It's a vaginal thermometer. It's been in our family for generations.

Linda Jones:
It lets you know when your ovulating.

Roz Fockyerdoder:
And if you wanna keep it a lucky one, don't ever wash it.

Linda Jones:
So... Is it Harry?

Bernie Fockyerdoder:
Is what hairy?

Linda Jones:
Your name...

Bernie Fockyerdoder:
No, actually it's Bernie.

Roz Fockyerdoder:
Oh, but it is hairy... [picks up carrot] I mean picture this with 4 pounds of hair.

Frank Jones:
So, Grant, how do you pronounce your last name?

Grant Funkyerdoder:
Exactly how it's spelled. F-U-N-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.

[pause]

Frank Jones:
Funkyerdoder?

[Julia desperately needs a makeover]

Julia Jones:
I heard you were the best.

Hitch:
You're goddamn right I'm the best! Look at all the couples I'm responsible for. You got Brad and Jen, Jessica and Nick, Ben and Jen, Ben and Jen, Ben and Matt, Kobe and Shaq, Ellen and Anne. Yeah, I do them too.

Julia Jones:
How will I ever measure up to that?

[hands Hitch a sexy photo of Andy]

Hitch:
You can't. She's fine as hell! I would tear that sh*t up!

Biker:
I love puerto rican men, they're spicy!

[Grant is serenading Julia with a boombox]

Angry Neighbor:
I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives! It's called an iPod, get one!

Julia Jones:
Why is she in slow motion?

Grant Funkyerdoder:
She likes to make an entrance.

Frank Jones:
Before you set the wedding date, I wanted to meet your parents... because frankly, Funkyerdoder, I don't know much about you.

Grant Funkyerdoder:
I understand, home boy.

Frank Jones:
[looks at camera, turns toward Grant] I'll be... watching you. If you do anything to corrupt my daughter...

Grant Funkyerdoder:
You'll bring me down to Chinatown?

Frank Jones:
Chinatown? I'll take your b*tch ass to 134th street... bust you in the head with a pipe.

Frank Jones:
[as Jinxers is humping Frank's dead mother] I didn't teach him how to do that!

[from the unrated version]

Frank Jones:
Julia here told me your last name. How do you pronounce it?

Grant Funkyerdoder:
Exactly how it's spelled.

[pause]

Grant Funkyerdoder:
F-O-C-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R.

Frank Jones:
Fockyerdoder?

Frank Jones:
In the extras, Eddie Griffin shares his best pickup line, "Ya f*ckin'?"

Julia Jones:
What happens when the ho doesn't give up all the cash?

Little Jack:
[Swings his hands]

Julia Jones:
[Turns illustration card over to a picture of a man slapping a woman] That's right Little Jack! Keep your pimp hand strong!

Julia Jones:
[Picks up another card] What happens when the dime bag is a little light?

Little Jack:
[Pinches his fingers]

Julia Jones:
[Turns the card over to a picture of a drug dealer] Right! The dealer pinched!

Julia Jones:
[Picks up a third card] What happens when someone rats us out to the cops?

Little Jack:
[Makes a stabbing motion]

Julia Jones:
[Turns the card over to a picture of a man being stabbed] Shiv 'em in the kidney.

Little Jack:
[His first word] Biotch.