Deadpool 2

Dopinder:
I want to become a contract killer.

Deadpool:
I'm sorry, what did you say?

Dopinder:
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?

Deadpool:
You kind of killed him.

Dopinder:
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?

Deadpool:
Don't want to.

Dopinder:
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst...!

Deadpool:
I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.

Deadpool:
Family was always an F-word to me. My pile-of-shit father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.

Vanessa:
Hey, look at me. You are not your father. Besides... I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.

Deadpool:
But here's the thing - isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father, and have consensual sex with their sister?

Vanessa:
I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

Deadpool:
No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.

Vanessa:
Baby, that's Empire. The point is, kids... they give us a chance to be better than we are. Better than we used to be.

Deadpool:
You're a lot smarter than I look.

Deadpool:
Why can't I fucking die?

Colossus:
Take your mask off, Wade. We must talk. [Deadpool does so] You need fresh start. With train, you can be X-Man.

Deadpool:
You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. I'm not X-Men material.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
[enters the room with Yukio] Understatement of the year. Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade. [Yukio waves at Deadpool]

Deadpool:
What in the fuck-knuckles is this?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.

Deadpool:
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends! I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. [winks at Yukio]

Yukio:
[smiling] I like this guy.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Give him a chance. [to Deadpool] It's great seeing you like this.

Deadpool:
[laughs] Yeah.

Yukio:
[leaves the room with Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Bye, Wade. [waves back]

Deadpool:
Hi there!

Firefist:
Stay back or [points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead] Justin Bieber dies!

Deadpool:
Ha! Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

Colossus:
Come quietly or there will be trouble!

Firefist:
You stole that from RoboCop!

Deadpool:
That's RoboCop! Just stand down!

Deadpool:
[holding a gun on Cable] Talk! What kind of spineless shitstick tries to kill a 14-year old boy? You might wanna start talking, 'cause I got a long history with firing at times like this!

Cable:
The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away.

Deadpool:
Oh, so you're from the future? I have three questions then. One: is dubstep still a thing? Two: what Sharknado are we on? And three: at what point do audiences say "Enough with the robotic arms"?! [they continue their fight]

Cable:
[while jamming a knife on Deadpool] Dubstep's for pussies!

Deadpool:
You're so dark! You sure you're not from the DC universe? I love dubstep!

Deadpool:
I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone, ever. I need to be selfless.

Weasel:
Yeah, but what does that mean?

Deadpool:
It means I'm gonna save Russell. Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.

Weasel:
Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless". I literally don't know what that means.

Deadpool:
Jesus Christ.

Cable:
Who are you?

Deadpool:
I'm Batman.

[As the X-Force team prepares to skydive]

Peter:
I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?

Deadpool:
Gary...

Peter:
My name's Peter.

Deadpool:
I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.

Domino:
Did he just call himself God?

Bedlam:
I think he did.

Peter:
I'd like to go home.

Deadpool:
[yelling] And I'd like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I spent ten years in Special Forces! You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze?! YOU'RE IN THIS SHIT NOW, MUSTACHE! [whispering] I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, sugar-bear. [pats Peter on the cheek]

Juggernaut:
[grabs Deadpool] I'm gonna rip you in half now.

Deadpool:
That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [gets literally ripped in half by Juggernaut]

Cable:
We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill.

Deadpool:
No offense, but if you know so much, why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? Or better yet, head back a little further, kill baby Hitler?

Cable:
I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.

Deadpool:
Well. [to the viewer] That's just lazy writing.

Firefist:
What do you say we go fuck some shit up?

Juggernaut:
"Let's Fuck Some Shit Up" is my legal middle name.

Cable:
[about Firefist] Told you this little fucker's too far gone.

Deadpool:
Zip it, Thanos!

[during the final battle with the Juggernaut.]

Male Chorus:
You can't stop this motherfucker!

Female Chorus:
Holy shitballs! Holy shitballs!

Firefist:
Stay back! Go home, Wade!

Deadpool:
Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! That piece of shit - he deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. But if you kill him, he wins. You become everything he says you are, but worse. You're just a kid. You don't wanna hurt anyone.

Firefist:
How do you know what I want?!

Deadpool:
Because I've been inside you... that came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes... which is also off-putting. The point is... there are people... There are people in this fucking world, besides him, who will treat you right.

Deadpool:
Say "fuck" for me. Just once. Come on, we'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. One, two, three. Fu... Fu...

Colossus:
Fuck.

Deadpool:
Wow. Enjoy Hell, smut-mouth.

[Trying to get the collar off of Deadpool's neck]

Firefist:
We need a code.

Domino:
Try, uh... seven?

Deadpool:
Settle down, Captain Lucky, it's not gonna be one number.

[Firefist presses the number 7, and the collar unlocks]

Deadpool:
God, that's lazy writing.

Headmaster:
All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption!

Cable:
Let's see your soul, perv! [takes out a knife]

Deadpool:
No! No! No! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him.

Headmaster:
The day of reckoning is here! [Dopinder suddenly runs over the headmaster, followed by silence]

Deadpool:
I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
[while fixing Cable's time-travel device] How something so small generates enough energy to reverse time...

Deadpool:
Ugh! Just fix it, Eleven, or I'll take it to the Genius bar.

Yukio:
Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out.

Deadpool:
Never heard of him.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
Why do you think I'm helping him? [tosses the device back to Deadpool]

Deadpool:
The Lord works in mysterious ways... don't I? Good day.

Yukio:
[waves cheerfully] Bye, Wade.

Deadpool:
Bye, Yukio. [waves back]

Yukio:
[dropping her smile] That was probably a bad idea.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead:
What have we done?

[Deadpool goes back in time to save Peter]

Deadpool:
Peter!

Peter:
X-Force!

Deadpool:
Walk away! Just walk away!

Peter:
But we're X-Force!

Deadpool:
Nope, we're not! There's no X-Force!

Peter:
All right, well...this has been pretty scary.

Deadpool:
Go home, sugar-bear. Go home.

Peter:
Okay, will you give Domino my e-mail?

[Deadpool time-travels to the events of X-Men Origins:
Wolverine.]

Wolverine:
Wade, is that you? [he notices Wade/Weapon XI's mouth is stitched shut] Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

[Wolverine's claws emerge as Weapon XI is suddenly shot down by Deadpool]

Deadpool:
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch. Just cleaning up the timeline. [he keeps firing at Weapon XI and then leaves] Love you.

[Ryan Reynolds holds up a script for Green Lantern.]

Ryan Reynolds:
Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

[Deadpool shoots him through the head from behind.]

Deadpool:
You're welcome, Canada.

Ryan Reynolds – Wade Wilson / Deadpool & Cain Marko/Juggernaut

Josh Brolin – Nathan Summers / Cable

Julian Dennison – Firefist

Zazie Beetz – Domino

Morena Baccarin – Vanessa

T. J. Miller – Weasel

Leslie Uggams – Blind Al

Stefan Kapi?i? – Colossus

Brianna Hildebrand – Negasonic Teenage Warhead

Karan Soni – Dopinder

[after the convoy carrying the prisoners crashes, and Deadpool stumbles out of the wreckage]

Deadpool:
Russell? Russ- where are you? [a fist punches out through one of the cells, and Russell climbs out] Russell? Russell, you're okay! [Juggernaut stands up behind Russell] Oh, thank GoOOOOH MYYY GOD!!! Juggernaut!! [gasps] I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants!

[Domino approaches, but once she sees Juggernaut, she slides out of the scene, mouthing "Noooo..."]

Deadpool:
You probably get this a lot, but I'm a huge fan! Uncanny X-Men #183, Thor #411, X-Men Unlimited #12... [Juggernaut starts walking, then running, toward Deadpool] You know, it has always been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent... I don't mean right now.

Juggernaut:
[grabs Deadpool] I'm gonna rip you in half now.

Deadpool:
That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [gets literally ripped in half by Juggernaut]

[Deadpool time-travels to the events of X-Men Origins:
Wolverine.]

Wolverine:
Wade, is that you? [he notices Wade/Weapon XI's mouth is stitched shut] Guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.

[Wolverine's claws emerge as Weapon XI is suddenly shot down by Deadpool]

Deadpool:
Hey! It's me! Don't scratch. Just cleaning up the timeline.

[in the Super Duper Cut]

Deadpool:
Look, eventually, you're gonna hang up the claws, and that's gonna make a lot of people very sad.

Wolverine:
Huh?

Deadpool:
But one day your pal Wade is gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again. [fires at Weapon XI again] And when he does, say yes.

Wolverine:
Oh. Right.

Deadpool:
[keeps firing at Weapon XI and then leaves; line present in the standard version] Love you.