Donnie Darko

Donnie:
I promise, that one day, everything's going to be better for you.

Donnie:
First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

Donnie:
How can you do that?

Frank:
I can do anything I want. And so can you.

Donnie:
Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know it takes a little, little while to find that out, right, Jim? And you... yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe... you should lift some weights, or uh, take a karate lesson and the next time he's tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.

Karen Pommeroy:
It was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered through the seasons, now in his fifteenth year crystallized with the pain of puberty.

Donnie:
I made a new friend today.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
Real or imaginary?

Donnie:
Imaginary.

Frank:
28 days... six hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end.

Eddie:
That damn airline better not f*** us on the shingle match.

Gretchen:
You're weird.

Donnie:
Sorry.

Gretchen:
No, that was a compliment.

Karen Pommeroy:
This could be the death of an entire way of life, the end of an era...

Donnie:
Why should we care?

Karen Pommeroy:
Because the rabbits are us, Donnie.

Donnie:
Why should I mourn for a rabbit like he was human?

Karen Pommeroy:
Are you saying that the death of one species is less tragic than another?

Donnie:
Of course. The rabbit's not like us. It has no... keen look at something in the mirror, it has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret... I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy, don't get me wrong; y'know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy, in that you don't know who you are and why you're even alive. And you just wanna' have sex, as many times as possible, before you die... I mean, I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit! Y'know, who... who never even feared death to begin with.

Donnie:
Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?

Frank:
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Gretchen:
Donnie Darko? What the hell kind of name is that? It's like some sort of superhero or something

Donnie:
What makes you think I'm not?

Kitty Farmer:
No. Duh is a product of fear.

Kitty Farmer:
I'll tell you what he said. He asked me to forcibly insert the Life Line exercise card into my anus.

Roberta Sparrow:
Every living creature on this earth dies alone.

Gretchen:
...what if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?

Donnie:
You are such a f***ass.

Elizabeth:
Did you just call me a f***ass? You can go suck a f***.

Donnie:
Oh, please, tell me Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a f***?

Donnie:
Frank, when's this gonna stop?

Frank:
You should already know that.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
The search for God is absurd?

Donnie:
It is if everyone dies alone.

Jim Cunningham:
Son... DO YOU SEE THIS? This is an Anger Prisoner. A textbook example. DO YOU SEE THE FEAR, PEOPLE? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places...

Donnie:
You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I. . .and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the f***ing Antichrist.

Kitty Farmer:
Not only am I a teacher, but I am also the mother of a Middlesex child. Therefore, I am the only person here who transcends the parent-teacher bridge.

Gretchen:
My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.

Donnie:
Oh, I have those too. What kind does your step dad have?

Gretchen:
He stabbed my mom four times in the chest.

Donnie:
Oh.

Edward Darko:
Tell 'em, George.

Samantha Darko:
What's a f***ass?

Rose Darko:
Do you even know who Graham Greene is?

Kitty Farmer:
I think we've all seen Bonanza.

Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff:
I am not going to be able to continue this conversation

Donnie:
Why?

Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff:
I could lose my job.

Cherita Chen:
Chut up.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
If this world were to end, there would only be you... and him... and no one else.

Frank:
Wake up, Donnie.

Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff:
And did you stop and think that maybe infants need darkness? That maybe darkness is part of their natural development.

Gretchen:
Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood.

Donnie:
Well look, um... uh... you wanna go with me?

Gretchen:
Where do you wanna go?

Donnie:
No, I mean like go with me, like you know... like, that's what we call it here... going together...

Gretchen:
Sure

Donnie:
Ok-hey where're you going?

Gretchen:
I'm going home.

Donnie:
Well I-I, sorry I...

Gretchen:
Donnie wait...

Donnie:
I like you a lot...

Gretchen:
I just want it to be... at a time when... it...

Donnie:
When what?

Gretchen:
When it reminds me just...

Donnie:
When it reminds you of how beautiful the world can be?

Gretchen:
Yeah...

Gretchen:
and right now there's some fat guy over there staring at us.

Kitty Farmer:
Okay, now girls... I want you to concentrate. Failure is not an option. And Bethany, if you feel the need to vomit up there... just swallow it.

Donnie:
Ling Ling finds a wallet on the ground filled with money. She takes the wallet to the address on the driver's license but keeps the money inside the wallet.

Donnie:
I-I'm sorry Mrs. Farmer. I don't get this.

Donnie:
Life isn't that simple. I mean who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love.

Kitty Farmer:
Fear and love are the deepest of human emotions.

Donnie:
Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here. Like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else!

Donnie:
My parents didn't get me what I wanted for Christmas.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
What did you want?

Donnie:
Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
And how did you feel, being denied these hungry, hungry hippos?

Donnie:
Regret.

Karen Pommeroy:
This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful.

Elizabeth:
I'm voting for Dukakis.

Donnie:
I don't think about f***ing my family... that's gross.

Gretchen:
Hey. What's going on?

David:
Horrible accident. My neighbour... got killed.

Gretchen:
What happened?

David:
Got smooshed by a jet engine.

Gretchen:
What was his name?

David:
Donnie. Donnie Darko.

Gretchen:
Hmm.

David:
I feel bad for his family.

Gretchen:
Yeah.

David:
Did you know him?

Gretchen:
No.

Seth Devlin:
Did you f***ing call the cops?

Donnie:
Deus ex machina...

Seth Devlin:
What?

Donnie:
Our saviour.

Donnie:
You're such a f***-ass!

Rose Darko:
Please.

Elizabeth:
What? Did you just call me a "f***-ass"?

Rose Darko:
Elizabeth, that's enough.

Elizabeth:
You can go suck a f***!

Donnie:
Oh, please, tell me, Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a f***?

Elizabeth:
You want me to tell you?

Donnie:
Please, tell me.

Rose Darko:
We will not have this at the dinner table. Stop!

Donnie:
[Mouthing] I'm all ears!

Samantha:
[After period of silence] What's a "f***-ass"?

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
Do you still think about girls a lot?

Donnie:
[under hypnosis] Yeah.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
How are things going at school?

Donnie:
I think about girls a lot.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
I asked you about school, Donnie.

Donnie:
I think about f***ing a lot during school.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
What else do you think about during school?

Donnie:
Married... with Children.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
Do you think about your family?

Donnie:
I just turn down the volume and think about f***ing Christina Applegate.

Dr. Lilian Thurman:
I asked you about your family, Donnie.

Donnie:
[chuckling] No. I don't think about f***ing my family. That's gross.

Sean Smith:
Beer and p*ssy. That's all I need.

Ronald Fisher:
Well we gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.

Sean Smith:
Smurfette?

Ronald Fisher:
Mmm-hmm [gulps beer]. Not some like tight-ass Middlesex chick, y'know? Like this cute little blonde that'll get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.

Sean Smith:
[nods agreement] Hmm.

Donnie:
Smurfette doesn't f***.

Ronald Fisher:
That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? It's because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.

Sean Smith:
No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.

Ronald Fisher:
Okay well you know what then, she fucks them while Vanity watches, okay?

Sean Smith:
Well what about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get into all the action.

Ronald Fisher:
Yeah. What he does: He films the gangbang, later on...he beats off to the tape.

Donnie:
[earnestly] First of all: Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette - Gargamel did! She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gangbang scenario - Huh! I - it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual, th-they don't even have... reproductive organs under those little... white... pants. That's what's so illogical, y'know, about being a Smurf. Y'know what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?

Sean Smith:
[sighs] Dammit, Donnie, wh-why you gotta get so smart on us?

Donnie:
[reading lifeline card] "Ling Ling finds a wallet on the ground filled with money. She takes the wallet to the address on the driver's license but keeps the money inside the wallet." [Scoffs] I'm... I'm sorry, Mrs. Farmer. I don't get this.

Kitty Farmer:
What don't you get?

Donnie:
Well, life isn't that simple. I mean, who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love.

Kitty Farmer:
Fear and love are the deepest of human emotions.

Donnie:
Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here, like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else.

Donnie:
Good morning.

Jim Cunningham:
Good morning.

Donnie:
Um... how much are they paying you to be here?

Jim Cunningham:
Uh, excuse me? What is your name, son?

Donnie:
Gerard.

Jim Cunningham:
Gerald, I think you're afraid.

Donnie:
Are you telling us this stuff so we can buy your book because, I gotta tell ya, if you are, that was some of the worst advice I ever heard.

Jim Cunningham:
You see how sad this is-

Donnie:
You want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating Twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know, it takes a little- little while to find that out. Right, Jim? And you. Yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe you should lift some weights or, uh, take a karate lesson. And the next time he tries to do it, you kick him in the balls!

Jim Cunningham:
[laughs] Son... do you see this?

Donnie:
Right?

Jim Cunningham:
This is an anger prisoner. A textbook example.

Donnie:
Anger prisoner.

Jim Cunningham:
Do you see the fear, people? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places.

Donnie:
You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm pretty troubled and I'm pretty confused, but I... And I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I- I think you're the f***ing Antichrist.

Kitty Farmer:
Rose, I'm sure that you're aware of the horrible allegations against Jim Cunningham.

Rose Darko:
I know. I saw it on TV. Something about a "kiddie porn dungeon."

Kitty Farmer:
Please, please! Don't use those words! It's obviously some kind of conspiracy to destroy an innocent man. And I have taken it upon myself to spearhead the Jim Cunningham defense campaign. Rose, I have to appear at his arraignment tomorrow morning. And as you know, the girls are scheduled to leave for Los Angeles in the morning. Now, as their coach, I was the obvious choice to chaperone them on their trip, but...

Rose Darko:
But now, you can't go.

Kitty Farmer:
Yes.

Rose Darko:
Hmm.

Kitty Farmer:
Now, believe me, of all the other mothers, I would never dream of asking you. But none of the other mothers are available to go.

Rose Darko:
I don't know, Kitty. It's a bad weekend. Eddie's in New York.

Kitty Farmer:
[tearfully] Rose! I don't know if you realize what an opportunity this is for our daughters! This has been a dream of Samantha's and all of ours for a long time! I made her lead dancer! Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Dr. Lillian Thurman:
Do you feel alone right now?

Donnie:
I... I don't know... I mean, I'd like to believe that I'm not, but I just... I've just never seen any proof, so I... I just don't debate it anymore. You know, it's like I could spend my whole life debating it over and over again, weighing the pro's and con's and in the end, I still wouldn't have any proof, so I just... I just don't debate it anymore. Heh, it's absurd...

Dr. Thurman:
The search for God is absurd?

Donnie:
It is if everyone dies alone.

Dr. Thurman:
Does that scare you?

Donnie:
I don't wanna be alone.

Donnie:
How's it feel to have a wacko for a son?

Rose Darko:
It feels wonderful.

Donnie Darko:
Dear Roberta Sparrow, I've reached the end of your book and there are so many questions that I need to ask you. Sometimes I am afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I am afraid this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

Dr. Lillian Thurman:
If the sky were to suddenly open up... there would be no law... there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories... the choices you've made and the people you've touched. The life that has been carved out from your subconscious is the only evidence by which you will be judged... by which you must judge yourself. Because when this world ends, there will only be you and him... and no one else.

Karen Pommeroy:
The children have to save themselves these days because the parents have no clue.

Karen Pommeroy:
[to Principal Cole] I don't think that you have a clue what it's like to communicate with these kids. And we are losing them to apathy, to this prescribed nonsense. They are slipping away.

Eddie Darko:
I-I know I'm not the best communicator, but... whatever happens to you, be honest, tell the truth, even if they do look at you funny. They will. But what you gotta understand, Son, is that almost all of those people are full of sh*t. [laughs] They're all part of this great big conspiracy of bullshit. And they're scared of people like you, because those bullshitters know that you're smarter than all of them. You know what you say to people like that? Hmm? "F*** you."