Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist

Ben Katz:
Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made.

Ben Katz:
You know what you are, Laura?

Laura:
What am I?

Ben Katz:
You're one great big ball of b*tch.

David Duchovny:
Sometimes I think that the dream is reality and life is the simulacrum.

Dr. Katz:
It certainly is.

Ben Katz:
Look, Dad, here's the deal: Do what I say, and don't be an idiot.

Ben Katz:
Yeah, I think I've seen pictures.

Dr. Katz:
Yeah, he's not a photogenic man.

Ben Katz:
Neither were you.

Dr. Katz:
Did you have to say that?

Ben Katz:
I'm sorry, Dad, but you know there were two ugly guys in the photo. One was you, one was David Stanick.

Ray:
Oh, this is gonna be a marathon. I'm gonna wear a number on my back, and people are gonna have to bring me cups of water.

Dr. Katz:
How is your appetite?

Joy:
My appetite is too good. I just want to eat everything.

Todd:
I went to the University of Florida...

Dr. Katz:
Yeah.

Todd:
Did very well there.

Dr. Katz:
Right.

Todd:
Graduated with a 2.2 GPA.

Dr. Katz:
Well, that's...

Todd:
That is *excellent*.

Dr. Katz:
Is - Is it?

Todd:
That is less than two points away from a perfect four-oh. That is a *phenomenal* GPA.

Dr. Katz:
That's true.

Todd:
That's a bad GPA. I was lying.

Dr. Katz:
Well, that's what I thought.

Ben Katz:
Let's say make him, maybe, make him a cake. But I don't know how to make cakes, do you?

Laura the Receptionist:
Um hmm.

Ben Katz:
[with lovey-dovey imagery] Well, if you were there you could, uh... "guide" me. Like when you're making the frosting, we'd both have our hands in the bowl... together...

Laura the Receptionist:
And we'd get it on our noses, and then we'd laugh...

Ben Katz:
Really?

Laura the Receptionist:
No. I don't think so.

Catherine O'Hara:
I'm sure women have divorced men just to get their husbands to see the kids on the weekend.

Dom:
People say I'm paranoid, right? Well maybe you'd be a little paranoid if there was a world organization bent on your destruction.

Dr. Katz:
Is this your UNICEF theory again?

Dom:
You're not the one calling me and hanging up, are ya?

Dr. Katz:
No.

Dom:
'Cause it sounds like your breath.

Stanley:
Sometimes it'd say "fruit" and it's really, uh, high-frucktose corn syrup.

Julie the Bartender:
What?

Stanley:
I just like saying "frucktose", that's all.

Julie the Bartender:
Yeah.

Stanley:
High frucktose!...

Dr. Katz:
I betcha do...

Stanley:
High frucktose corn...

Julie the Bartender:
I don't think that's-I don't think that's how you say it though.

Stanley:
Yeah, "frucktose".

Julie the Bartender:
No, it's "frook-tose".

Stanley:
Is it really?

Julie the Bartender:
I think so. I think you're just making that up. Just so you should...

Stanley:
So "frucktose" is "frook-toast"?

Julie the Bartender:
No, not "frook toast". Fructose...

Dr. Katz:
Wait, did you just say "go fook yourself"?

Dr. Katz:
You know the city gardens where you can rent space?

Laura:
Yeah.

Dr. Katz:
I was actually thinking about getting a little plot.

Laura:
Really?

Dr. Katz:
Oh, yeah, I actually am gonna go do it, Laura. I really... I'm looking forward to it.

Laura:
Dr. Katz, I just can't imagine you like, digging in the dirt on your hands and knees.

Dr. Katz:
No shirt? Does that help?

Laura:
No, I really...

Dr. Katz:
Tank top? Pasties?

Laura:
Eww..

Mitch:
I was standing by a door and a security guard came over. He said, [as guard] "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Dr. Katz:
Right.

Mitch:
I bought a doughnut and they, they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...

Dr. Katz:
Right.

Mitch:
I don't need a receipt for a doughnut, man. I give you the money, you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought doughnut. Some skeptical friend [to friend] "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, man. I got the documentation right here."

Ben:
You had a woman... in your *bed* last night? But Dad, this is - this is - an... I mean, this is *wrong*, this is like, uh...

Dr. Katz:
Go ahead, say it. Just say it. I mean, if you think there's something, that I did something wrong, I would like to know about it.

Ben:
I mean, do you even know this woman? I mean, you met her one night at a convention? That sounds...

Dr. Katz:
Well, we had this incredible chemistry. Everything just clicked, you know, the way she looked at me, the conversation, I felt witty, I felt sexy, I felt...

Ben:
Those are all disgusting things, Dad.

Richard:
I did this thing in my act, something about Vietnamese people eating dogs, right? And this woman comes up to me and she goes, "You know, that wasn't really necessary. You're pretty good, you don't have to resort to that." I go, "What?" She goes, "Well you know, making fun of other people's cultures, that's pretty low. And after all, what is the difference between in Vietnam where they eat a dog and here in the United States where we eat a cow?" I go, "I don't know, lady. I guess the difference is that eating a cow is, you know, correct, and eating a dog is completely screwed up, based on my theory that any animal that can catch a frisbee is not food." That's how I divide the animal kingdom: Throw him a frisbee. If it bounces off his head, he's lunch. And I know it's not scientific, but it works for most of your better-tasting animals. Like if you throw a frisbee at a turkey, boom, right over his head. "Sorry, I don't play sports. I'm a turkey." "Well what are you doing here?" "Well, you know, I don't know. I guess I just have a lot of white meat and drumsticks..." HINT! "... If you wanted to catch me, I'm not very good at flying away..." HINT HINT! "... I know only one word: 'Gobble'." BIG HINT!

Ben Katz:
How come you can't come to work?

Laura:
Cause I have to get my watch fixed.

Ben Katz:
How long does that take?

Laura:
All day.

Ben Katz:
Oh, you're fixing it yourself.

Ben Katz:
It seems to me that Laura is unhappy at the office. She wouldn't be calling in and, uh, you know, saying she can't come to work, uh, for no good reason.

Dr. Katz:
Maybe... You think I... ?

Ben Katz:
Well, I think that things sound a little tense at the office, I mean, and you have one -

Dr. Katz:
No, I think... I think, if anything, that she is the source of the tension.

Ben Katz:
You know, it's not right to project...

Dr. Katz:
I create, uh, a fairly professional environment, it's a comfortable environment to work in, I pay well, I treat her with respect...

Ben Katz:
Well, to be honest, it's the responsibility of the employer to create a good working atmosphere, and -

Dr. Katz:
Isn't that what I just said that I do?

Ben Katz:
I don't know, I didn't listen.

Dr. Katz:
Well, that's the problem them.

Ben Katz:
I'm just saying, because you only have one employee, and she's potentially very unhappy. You know, most companies have *thousands* of employees, and, uh...

Dr. Katz:
So you're saying a hundred percent of my employees are unhappy.

Ben Katz:
Yeah. And that's a bad percent.

Dr. Katz:
But what about -

Ben Katz:
It's a good percentage if it was a good thing.

Dr. Katz:
A-and so is that why you stopped smoking?

Bill:
Yeah, well, I think I didn't wanna... you know, my father smoked a lot, and, uh... he's been smoking for years. He tried to quit, you know, he tried everything, you know, he tried hypnosis, and it didn't really take, and then he tried that thing with all the needles, what do they call that... heroin.

Bill:
[beat] He LOVES it.

Bill:
My teeth are crooked. I was supposed to get braces as a kid, but my parents didn't have enough money... left over from their trip.

Dr. Katz:
Now-what do you have to do today?

Ben Katz:
Well, uh, I have to return some calls, I have to get my resume into ship-shape, I have to bring Grandpa to the urologist...

Dr. Katz:
Thanks Ben, I appreciate it, believe me.

Ben Katz:
I don't have to go in there with him, do I?

Dr. Katz:
No but remind him to put his pants back on.

Ben Katz:
Right, 'cause last time... Is there a problem?

Dr. Katz:
They have to do a cleaning process. Let me explain to you what's involved. They put a tube in...

Ben Katz:
ABBOTTTTTTT!

Laura the Receptionist:
[stuck in elevator with Ben] Why is it so hard to not hear you?

Ben Katz:
Wow, that is not what I was expecting to hear. So you don't, you wouldn't want to have lunch then? Is that what you're saying? I mean, because I...

Laura the Receptionist:
I'm in my own private hell.

Ben Katz:
Am I echoing to you?

Laura the Receptionist:
[covers her ears] I-am-in-my-own-private-hell. You're not here.

Ben Katz:
Uh huh...

Laura the Receptionist:
[hums to herself monotone] Hmmmmmmmm...

Ben Katz:
You know, I get the feeling we're not connecting...

Dr. Katz:
So they dictate the tempo and the pace of your life, these dogs?

Merrill Markoe:
Well, they've been moving meal time. Every day, they move meal time down another half an hour.

Dr. Katz:
Umm-hmm.

Merrill Markoe:
It used to be at, like at nine in the morning and now it's at 7:30 in the morning and they're trying to move it to seven.

Dr. Katz:
It's like the early-bird special, I think. That's what they're looking for.

Merrill Markoe:
I think they think that if they keep moving it a little bit each day earlier and earlier, there's some sort of a quantum physics moment where all meal times meet and it's all one continuous meal.

Ben:
Hey, Dad.

Dr. Katz:
Oh, Ben, I'm glad you called, I wanted to remind you to return that thing you bought at the hardware store.

Ben:
The - The nailgun.

Dr. Katz:
Yeah.

Ben:
Yeah. Actually, I'm at the hardware store...

Dr. Katz:
Oh, great, thank you so much for taking care of that, 'cause while I was annoyed, I knew it could be easily resolved.

Ben:
Well, it was a little too expensive, and I, you know, maybe I got carried away. There's a slight problem...

Dr. Katz:
Okay.

Ben:
Yeah. Well, they, they, uh, they won't... take it back.

Dr. Katz:
Why won't they take it back?

Ben:
He said, uh, it's messed up.

Dr. Katz:
How could it be messed up? It's in the box.

Ben:
It *is* in the box.

Dr. Katz:
Yeah. So what is the problem?

Ben:
Well, last night...

Dr. Katz:
Mm-hmm.

Ben:
...and this morning... and this afternoon, I took it out of the box. And I might've used it, just to see if it worked.

Dr. Katz:
You don't remember - You don't remember me saying anything about that, do you, last night?

Ben:
You said "Don't use it."

Dr. Katz:
Right.

Ben:
Uh-huh.

Dr. Katz:
Why - Why would you do a thing like that?

Ben:
What do you mean, use it?

Dr. Katz:
Yeah.

Ben:
Fun.

Dr. Katz:
There's something about taking a thing that exists in nature, you know, in this case particle board, and just molding it to suit some kind of selfish purpose.

Joy:
[discussing her role in a play] I have to learn it, and then I have to go into the show...

Dr. Katz:
Yeah.

Joy:
...other actors who are already, you know, in sync...

Dr. Katz:
Mm-hmm.

Joy:
...and they're doing the play, and I have to just walk in, in the middle of it.

Dr. Katz:
And you feel like you'll be on the spot, that they'll...

Joy:
What if, like, what if I blank out? What if, um, I walk the wrong way? What if I miss a cue?

Dr. Katz:
What if you do? What is the worst thing that'll happen?

Joy:
The audience will think I'm terrible, and the actors will hate me.

Dr. Katz:
And then your life will still continue.

Joy:
It will?

Dr. Katz:
Yep.

Joy:
But... what about the humiliation, at the moment?

Dr. Katz:
[long beat] I hadn't thought of that.

Dr. Katz:
[dictating] "The implication of limbic involvement..."

Laura the Receptionist:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Katz:
"... has sent many a scientist... "

Laura the Receptionist:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Katz:
Period. No, I'm kidding. "... has sent many a scientist down that slippery slope."

Laura the Receptionist:
Huh. *Now* you're kidding.

Dr. Katz:
No, I mean it. It's a metaphor for, for, uh, something else.

Laura the Receptionist:
For what?

Dr. Katz:
I'm not sure.

Laura the Receptionist:
Dr. Katz?

Dr. Katz:
Yeah?

Laura the Receptionist:
Um, it's probably a mixup, but you got a message inviting you to speak at an adult education class next week.

Dr. Katz:
Really?

Laura the Receptionist:
Yeah, they asked you to send a recent article so the class could familiarize themselves with your work. [snickers]

Dr. Katz:
Huh. That sounds...

Laura the Receptionist:
I mean... There has to be dozens of Dr. Katzes in the phone book, so the odds are pretty good that...

Dr. Katz:
No, I don't think it's a mixup, Laura. I think that somebody out there is familiar with my work and is interested in hearing what I have to say. I'm not surprised, in fact I'm pleased.

Laura the Receptionist:
Um... Well, I didn't realize that you had theories.

Dr. Katz:
Well, of course I have theories.

Laura the Receptionist:
What kind of theories?

Dr. Katz:
Well, over the years I've put forth many different theories on a vast range of subjects, but, you know, described to a layperson such as yourself...

Laura the Receptionist:
What about the "recent article" part of the invitation?

Dr. Katz:
Well, see, "recent" in this field really means "post-Freud." And for your information, young lady, my work has been published all over the world in seven different languages.

Laura the Receptionist:
Well, would you like to fax them an article?

Dr. Katz:
Well, unfortunately English is not one of them.

Stanley:
Well, all right, what is it in particular that scares you?

Dr. Katz:
Well, honestly, I feel like a... I feel a little fraudulent, you know. I don't know if what I have to say is that interesting or if I can sound like an expert on the subject. That's the main thing.

Stanley:
Nah, you see, what you do is, you dazzle 'em with some big psychoanalytical-type words, and by the time they catch on to you, poof, you're gone. You can do that, right?

Dr. Katz:
Sure. I mean, I guess.

Stanley:
All right, c'mon, Katz, gimme your best shot.

Dr. Katz:
Well, I don't know if I could do it off the top of my head...

Stanley:
Sure you can, c'mon, c'mon.

Dr. Katz:
[long pause] Okay. Um, this is how I'm planning to open.

Stanley:
Go ahead.

Dr. Katz:
"The brain... is divided into two halves."

Stanley:
Mmm. Ooh, that's gonna wow 'em.

Julie:
Maybe you could say "hemispheres" instead.

Dr. Katz:
Okay. Okay. "The brain... " That's a good idea. "The brain is divided into two hemispheres."

Julie:
Yeah.

Stanley:
Much better.

Julie:
Yeah, I like that.

Dr. Katz:
"... A... and B."