Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Major T. J. "King" Kong:
Goldie, how many times have I told you guys that I don't want no horsing around on the airplane?

Major T. J. "King" Kong:
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones. You sure you got today's codes?

Major T. J. "King" Kong:
Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Roosskies. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump - we got some flyin' to do.

Miss Scott:
It's 3 o'clock in the morning!

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Weh-heh-heh-ll, the Air Force never sleeps.

Miss Scott:
Buck, honey, I'm not sleepy either...

General "Buck" Turgidson:
I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do: you just start your countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say "Blast off!"

General Jack D. Ripper:
Your Commie has no regard for human life. Not even his own.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Erm, what about the planes, sir? Surely we must issue the recall code immediately.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Group Captain, the planes are not gonna be recalled. My attack orders have been issued, and the orders stand.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir, that would be, to my way of thinking, rather... well, rather an odd way of looking at it. You see, if a Russian attack was in progress, we would certainly not be hearing civilian broadcast.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Are you certain of that, Mandrake?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Oh, I'm absolutely positive about it.

General Jack D. Ripper:
And what if it is true?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Well, I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir, because, I mean, if a Russian attack was not in progress, then your use of Plan R - in fact, your order to the entire Wing... Oh. I would say, sir, that there were something dreadfully wrong somewhere.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Now why don't you just take it easy, Group Captain, and please make me a drink of grain alcohol and rainwater, and help yourself to whatever you'd like.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
General Ripper, Sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is my clear duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the recall code, upon my own authority, and bring back the Wing. If you'll excuse me, sir.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
I'm afraid, sir, I must ask you for the key, and the recall code. Have you got them handy, sir?

General Jack D. Ripper:
Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
No, I don't think I do, sir, no.

General Jack D. Ripper:
He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Mr. President, about, uh, 35 minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the commanding general of, uh, Burpelson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34 B-52's of his Wing, which were airborne at the time as part of a special exercise we were holding called Operation Drop-Kick. Now, it appears that the order called for the planes to, uh, attack their targets inside Russia. The, uh, planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of, um, 40 megatons each. Now, the central display of Russia will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their primary targets; the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within, uh, 25 minutes.

President Merkin Muffley:
General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
That's right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after he issued the go code. I have a phone transcript of that conversation if you'd like me to to read it.

President Merkin Muffley:
Read it!

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Ahem... The Duty Officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact that he *had* issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and nobody can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural... fluids. God bless you all" and he hung up.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Uh, we're, still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.

President Merkin Muffley:
There's nothing to figure out, General Turgidson. This man is obviously a psychotic.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
We-he-ell, uh, I'd like to hold off judgement on a thing like that, sir, until all the facts are in.

President Merkin Muffley:
General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you *assured* me there was *no* possibility of such a thing *ever* occurring!

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.

President Merkin Muffley:
You're talking about mass murder, General, not war!

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.

Major T. J. "King" Kong:
Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

President Merkin Muffley:
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.

President Merkin Muffley:
But this is absolute madness, Ambassador! Why should you *build* such a thing?

Ambassador de Sadesky:
There were those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. At the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.

President Merkin Muffley:
This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.

Ambassador de Sadesky:
Our source was the New York Times.

Dr. Strangelove:
Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Lord, Jack.

General Jack D. Ripper:
You know when fluoridation first began?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
I... no, no. I don't, Jack.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Nineteen hundred and forty-six. Nineteen forty-six, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Uh, Jack, Jack, listen, tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?

General Jack D. Ripper:
Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Hmm.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Hmm.

General Jack D. Ripper:
I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
No.

General Jack D. Ripper:
But I... I do deny them my essence.

Major T. J. "King" Kong:
Well boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing... but we got one little budge on those Roosskies. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!

Colonel "Bat" Guano:
You wanna know what I think?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Yes!

Colonel "Bat" Guano:
I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now MOVE!

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.

Colonel "Bat" Guano:
That's private property.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!

Colonel "Bat" Guano:
Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
What?

Colonel "Bat" Guano:
You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
If the pilot's good, I mean if he's reeeally sharp, he can barrel that thing in so low, oh it's a sight to see. You wouldn't expect it with a big ol' plane like a '52, but varrrooom! The jet exhaust... frying chickens in the barnyard!

Dr. Strangelove:
Sir! I have a plan!

Dr. Strangelove:
Mein F¸hrer! I can walk!

Major T. J. "King" Kong:
Stay on the bomb run, boys! I'm gonna get them doors open if it harelips ever'body on Bear Creek!

Dr. Strangelove:
It is not only possible, it is essential.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Is that the Russian ambassador you're talking about?

President Merkin Muffley:
Yes it is, General.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
A-A-Am I to understand that the *Russian* ambassador is to be admitted entrance to th-the War Room?

President Merkin Muffley:
That is correct, he is here on my orders.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean, he'll see everything, he'll... he'll see the Big Board!

General Jack D. Ripper:
Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Hello... (whispering)look, I told you never to call me here, don't you know where I am?... Well look, baby, I c-, I *can't* talk to you now... my president needs me!... Of *course* Bucky'd rather be there with you!... Of *course* it isn't only physical!... I deeply respect you as a human being... Some day I'm gonna make you *Mrs* Buck Turgidson!... Ah, listen uh, you just go back to sleep hon, and Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can... Alright... listen, sug, don't forget to say your prayers!

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Mr. President, we cannot allow a mineshaft gap!

General Jack D. Ripper:
Mandrake, were you ever a prisoner of war?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Well, yes I was Jack as a matter of fact I was.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Did they torture you?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Yes Jack, I was tortured by the Japanese, if you must know, not a pretty story.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Well, what happened?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Oh Well, I don't know, Jack, difficult to think of under these conditions, but well, they got me on the old Ragoon-Ichinawa railway. I was laying train lines for the bloody Japanese puff-puff's.

General Jack D. Ripper:
No, I mean when they tortured you did you talk?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Ah, oh, no, I don't think they wanted me to talk really, I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.

General Jack D. Ripper:
The base is being put on Condition Red. I want this flashed to all sections immediately.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Condition Red, sir, yes, jolly good idea. That keeps the men on their toes.

General Jack D. Ripper:
Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not an exercise.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Not an exercise, sir?

General Jack D. Ripper:
...It looks like we're in a shooting war.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Oh hell. Are the Russians involved, sir?

General Jack D. Ripper:
Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Well, I can't say I have.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me, Jack. Eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man, Jack - that's what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
If you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of Enquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Doctor, you mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

Dr. Strangelove:
Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

Ambassador de Sadesky:
I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.

Dr. Strangelove:
Mein F¸hrer! I can WALK!

Dr. Strangelove:
Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didn't you tell the world, EH?

Ambassador de Sadesky:
It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.

Colonel "Bat" Guano:
You think I go into combat with loose change in my pocket?

Dr. Strangelove:
MEIN F<HRE... RRRR!

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Hmm... Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain't no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?

Mr. Staines:
He changed it when he became a citizen. Used to be Merkwurdichliebe.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Well, a Kraut by any other name, uh Stainesey?

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Is it that bad, sir?

General Jack D. Ripper:
Looks like it's pretty hairy.

General "Buck" Turgidson:
Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but frankly, we think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, lookit look at all them them Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit.

Buck Turgidson:
"I don't like the look of this"

Gen Buck Turgidson, "Once a Kraut always a Kraut, Eh Meyer?"