Drake & Josh

[repeated line]

Drake Parker, Josh Nichols:
Megan!

Josh Nichols:
Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!

Drake Parker:
No they won't... they are gonna kill you.

Josh Nichols:
[Josh is trying to study while Drake is playing a loud video game] Drake, the volume!

Drake Parker:
Oh, right. [Drake gets the remote and turns it louder]

Drake Parker:
Do I get to wear that purdy apron?

Mr. Nichols:
Sure Josh knows basketball, I taught him myself.

Mr. Nichols:
[shows off with basketball]

Mr. Nichols:
[throws ball at Drake] Think fast!

[ball misses and hits a lamp]

Drake Parker:
Lamps don't think that fast.

Megan Parker:
Why is Josh screaming? Have the eggs hatched?

[repeated line]

Josh Nichols:
And now I'm alone...

[repeated line]

Josh Nichols:
Oh, jeez...

[repeated line]

Josh Nichols:
Headaches! You give me headaches!

Josh Nichols:
We need to show Megan something scary in her telescope.

Drake Parker:
Dad's butt?

Josh Nichols:
Scarier

Drake Parker:
Wow!

Josh Nichols:
[after Drake has spoke French to try to scare Megan. Josh covers the microphone] We're suppose to sound like we're from outer space, NOT PARIS!

Drake Parker:
You know, there is a way to correct people nicely.

Drake Parker:
Why did they name a radio after ham?

Josh Nichols:
I don't know.

Drake Parker:
I like ham.

Josh Nichols:
Who doesn't?

Crazy Steve:
[after Josh and Thornton are talking about his party] You know Thornton, I still haven't received my invitation yet.

Thornton:
I don't even know you.

Crazy Steve:
YOUR LOSS!

Josh Nichols:
Don't worry Megan, you'll have your chance.

Megan Parker:
So will you. [stands up] So... will you. [leaves the room]

Josh Nichols:
What did she mean by that?

Drake Parker:
I dunno but if I were you, I'd sleep with a helmet on.

Josh Nichols:
[about Megan] Such big evil in such a little girl.

Drake Parker:
The thing about Josh is, he'a a spaz!

Josh Nichols:
[in a flashback] [to Drake] I hope you go bald!

Drake Parker:
[to Josh] I hope they cancel Oprah!

Josh Nichols:
I'm sorry, but we have a serious gas leak in here!

Fat Guy:
Oh, sorry. I think that was me.

Josh Nichols:
Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test!

Drake Parker:
[playing a driving video game] I am!

Josh Nichols:
Drake, I highly doubt that our driven test will include stealing a bus and running into dragons.

Drake Parker:
Do you know that for sure?

Josh Nichols:
Uh, oh. The cops. Oh, sweet, sweet karma!

Josh Nichols:
[to the TV] I drink root beer. You don't see me exploding!

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
Josh, hey what's going on with Drake?

Walter Nichols:
Yeah, he's been acting pretty weird.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
[a beat] Is he okay?

Josh Nichols:
Um, yeah. He's fine. He's just a little...

Drake Parker:
[comes from the hall] No, he's not okay. I'm kind of banged up.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
[scoldingly] [to Walter] You hurt him wrestling!

Walter Nichols:
[excited] I did?

Drake Parker:
It-it wasn't wrestling. It was a car accident.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
[suddenly concerned] Car accident?

Josh Nichols:
[to Megan] [eagerly] He's gonna get it now!

Drake Parker:
Actually, it was a-a dune buggy accident.

Walter Nichols:
Are you okay?

Drake Parker:
Well, the doctor sai...

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
[interrupting] Wait! What doctor?

Drake Parker:
I kinda went to the emergency room and got X-rayed and stuff.

Josh Nichols:
[more eager than before] Here it comes!

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
[pitifully] My poor baby!

Josh Nichols:
[deadpan] Huh?

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
Just look at you. You can barely stand. [grabs a chair, Walter helps Drake sit down]

Drake Parker:
[wincing] Ah! Ah! Easy! Ah! Easy! You guys, I'm really sorry I disobeyed you. I shouldn't have.

Josh Nichols:
[to Megan] NOW he get's it.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
[rounding on Josh] Josh. Did you know about this?

Josh Nichols:
Well-yeah-yeah I knew...

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
You still made your father wrestle him?

Walter Nichols:
When you knew Drake was hurt?

Drake Parker:
[phone rings] Hello? Trevor, hey, where are you?

Josh Nichols:
Who is it?

Drake Parker:
Scotty's brother.

Josh Nichols:
Where is he?

Drake Parker:
You're lost?

Josh Nichols:
Lost?

Drake Parker:
Okay, okay, well me where you are right now? Well, look around and tell me what you see.

[sighs]

Drake Parker:
Mm-hmm.

[rolls his eyes]

Drake Parker:
Mm-hmm.

[opens the door]

Trevor:
...and I see some bushes, and a tree and a dog. A boy dog. And I see you.

Drake Parker:
You're here.

Trevor:
[referring to the dune buggy] Man, the motor sounds great.

Drake Parker:
Yeah. You know where it would sound even better?

Trevor:
In the shower.

Drake Parker:
On the road.

Trevor:
Better!

Drake Parker:
You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.

Drake Parker:
What are you smiling about?

Josh Nichols:
The great Drake, grounded, for two weeks. I love it!

Drake Parker:
Yeah? Me too.

Josh Nichols:
Eh?

Drake Parker:
2 weeks, layin' in bed, no school, playin' a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizza's. Yeah, bein' grounded is baad.

Craig:
Eric's a pacifist

Drake Parker:
I thought he was Jewish...?

Drake Parker:
[opens the door] Aw, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary little witch!

Mindy Crenshaw:
Aww, look at your black eye. Wow I hope it hurts.

Drake Parker:
Shebeast!

Mindy Crenshaw:
Microbrain!

Drake Parker:
Weirdface!

Mindy Crenshaw:
Ignoramus!

Drake Parker:
...What?

Mindy Crenshaw:
EXACTLY!

Josh Nichols:
Headaches... you give me HEADACHES!

Mrs. Parker:
Did you happen to drink any coffee when you were there?

Drake Parker:
No, not much, six cups, whyda ask?

Drake Parker:
[talking to Josh about his crush] Good Luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean, girls are just guys without... just do good.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
So how was school?

Drake Parker:
You're the worst!

Josh Nichols:
You sicken me!

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
I see

Josh Nichols:
I hope you go bald!

Drake Parker:
I hope they cancel Oprah!

Josh Nichols:
Take that back!

Drake Parker:
Are you calling me a liar?

Josh Nichols:
I aint' calling you a truther!

Drake Parker:
[Drake and Josh are imagining what they're going to be like when they're 80. Josh is upset that Drake got the oatmeal] Over my dead body!

Josh Nichols:
Fine. I could wait five minutes!

Josh Nichols:
I was chased by a wiener dog for eight blocks.

Drake Parker:
Who runs from a wiener dog?

Drake Parker:
You calling me a liar?

Josh Nichols:
Well, I ain't callin' you a truth-er!

Josh Nichols:
You wanna tussle?

Josh Nichols:
I hope you go bald!

Drake Parker:
I hope they cancel Oprah!

Josh Nichols:
Take that back!

Megan Parker:
You know what Josh? I have dreams. And sometimes in those dreams, things happen to you.

Drake Parker:
What happened to you?

Josh Nichols:
Football happened to me. I got pummeled, slugged, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle.

Drake Parker:
Well, I'm sorry you didn't make the team.

Josh Nichols:
Oh, no, I made the team.

[holds up a jersey]

Josh Nichols:
You are looking at Belleview High's brand-new E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER!

[Drake stares at Josh, incredulous]

Josh Nichols:
E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER!

[Josh, trying to look cool, leans against a freshly painted wall]

Drake Parker:
Uh, Josh?

[Josh looks at his back, which has white paint all over it]

Josh Nichols:
How about painting on the weekends?

Drake Parker:
[after Josh accuses him of ruining the brownies he made for the football team] Oh yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods!

Drake Parker:
I really like music.

Josh Nichols:
I really like cheese.

Drake Parker:
If I had to live on an island and only take 1,000 things with me, I'd take this stereo, these headphones, and 997 CD's. And a girl.

Josh Nichols:
You might think all cheese is the same, but there are different kinds. You got your American, Gouda, Feta...

Drake Parker:
There's all sorts of kinds of music. Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz...

Josh Nichols:
And my personal favorite...

Drake Parker:
And my favorite, Rock 'n' Roll.

Josh Nichols:
...Cheddar

Drake Parker:
Josh doesn't like music as much as I do.

Josh Nichols:
Drake doesn't care for cheese as much as I do.

Drake Parker, Josh Nichols:
[in unison] Oh, well. His loss.

Drake Parker:
Ahh, Music.

Josh Nichols:
Ahh, Cheese.

[Josh is trying to learn how to play football by playng a video game]

Josh Nichols:
Left! No, right! Pass! Not the sack! Not the sack!

Video game:
Uh! The sack!

Scottie:
[after the band got arrested for having fake tickets to a concert] I'm telling you, the tickets aren't fake!

Drake Parker:
Are you sure?

Scottie:
Yeah, I mean I photocopied them myself!

Rina:
Scottie, you can't photocopy tickets!

Scottie:
Yes, you can. You just put the tickets on the glass and close the lid thingy. Any moron can do it!

Drake Parker:
No, Scottie, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!

Grammy:
Drake, be a dear and take my stuff upstairs. And while you're at it, unpack my stuff. And make sure you put my thongs in order by color!

Josh Nichols:
Do you sell guitars?

Guitar World Salesman:
[sarcastically] Here? At Guitar World? Gee, I don't know.

Josh Nichols:
[Drake is playing music at a loud volume] I'm trying to study!

Drake Parker:
Why?

Josh Nichols:
To learn things!

Josh Nichols:
Uh, excuse me Helen, I have to talk to Drake about our homework.

Drake Parker:
I don't do homework.

Drake Parker:
Not just any candy. These are Super Power Mega Sours. The hottest and the sourest candy in the galaxy. [takes out one] And there it is.

Josh Nichols:
Pretty big day for you isn't it?

Drake Parker:
The biggest! [puts the candy in his mouth]

Josh Nichols:
So how is it?

Drake Parker:
It's pretty sour and it's pretty hot, I just expected it to be more [makes sour face] OH MY GOD! OH it hurts! Oh my tongue! [runs in circles around kitchen]

Josh Nichols:
So spit it out!

Drake Parker:
No! I wuv it!

Helen:
Drake Parker, I love you like the son I never wanted.

Josh Nichols:
Drake?

Drake Parker:
Yeah?

Josh Nichols:
You just met her and you're already kissing?

Drake Parker:
I gave her a soda.

Josh Nichols:
Oh, I lost my sightless, loopy boss!

Drake Parker:
Man, Helen, this place must have cost you like, a billion dollars.

Josh Nichols:
Yeah, how do you afford all this?

Helen:
Is that some of your business?

Drake Parker:
How do you afford it?

Helen:
Well, I'll tell you, Drake...

Drake Parker:
[talking to Teri about skydiving] You know, I heard one in five people don't even make it to the ground.

Josh Nichols:
What do you mean they don't make it to the ground? Where do they go?

Vince:
[giving a lesson on skydiving] First you're gonna squat. Then your gonna pray, than leap, ahhhh...

Drake Parker:
Ahhhh?

Vince:
That's what you're gonna yell on the way down.

Drake Parker:
Ahh.

Vince:
Ahhhh!

Drake Parker:
Ahhhh!

Vince:
Then, touchdown.

Drake Parker:
Touchdown.

Vince:
Yes, that's S, P, L, A, T.

Drake Parker:
That spells splat...

Mindy Crenshaw:
[after losing an honor council case] I have a cockapoo and an exact clone of that cockapoo. That means I have two cockapi! And what do you have? A giant magnet! "Ooh, look at me! I'm Josh! And look at my big magnet!" Crenshaw out!

Josh Nichols:
See ya, crazy!

Josh Nichols:
I gave good advice! And I'm wearing pants!

Drake Parker:
Praise be the pants!

[repeated line]

Josh Nichols:
Now HUG ME BROTHA!

Mr. Roland:
[Drake has just been in the chemical shower] Sit down Drake. [Drake ignores him] Drake, sit down!

Drake Parker:
No! Josh!

Josh Nichols:
What?

Drake Parker:
I'm sorry. I was wrong, OK? I was wrong!

Josh Nichols:
What do you mean?

Drake Parker:
Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, I'm sorry I ran over your bike! I'm sorry I'm probably the worst brother in the world and you're way better off without me. And I need you more than you need me, I need you way more than you need me! I just-I just... I'm sorry Josh... I'm sorry... [walks out of the classroom]

Mr. Roland:
Josh, would you like to speak to Drake?

Josh Nichols:
[pauses] No, sir.

Drake Parker:
Well, then stop being mad at me.

Josh Nichols:
I told you I'm not mad with you. I'm done.

Drake Parker:
What do you mean done?

Josh Nichols:
I dont want anything to do with you anymore.

Drake Parker:
So? What? You're just going to move out?

Josh Nichols:
No, this is a house where I live and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college but that's all we'll be. I'm done with you. [walks away]

Megan Parker:
You're not going to ask me why I took your guitar?

Drake Parker:
Why did you take my guitar?

Megan Parker:
I used to kill a spider.

[Megan has put a bucket full of water over Drake and Josh's bedroom door, and it falls on Ashley Blake]

Josh Nichols:
Megan! Why was there a bucket on top of our door?

Megan Parker:
Why was your door under my bucket?

Drake Parker:
Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...

Josh Nichols:
Who's Ethan LaRoche?

Drake Parker:
I don't know, but he's gonna be there!

[later]

Josh Nichols:
Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!

Drake Parker:
Who's that?

Josh Nichols:
I don't know!

[Drake and Josh are tending to a child star]

Drake Parker:
I never thought evil had a name, but it's Ashley Blake.

Josh Nichols:
[talking about Ashley Blake] So then I got her gummy bears, but she doesn't like the green kind so Ihad to take those out then she suggested i do some push ups!

Drake Parker:
That's ridiculous...

Josh Nichols:
I know!

Drake Parker:
...who doesn't like green gummy bears?

[Josh just glares at Drake]

Helen:
You!

Josh Nichols:
Me?

Helen:
That's your name, id'nit?

Josh Nichols:
Pinch me!

Drake Parker:
I'm not pinching any part of you.

Mrs. Hayfer:
Drake, what's your favorite novel from the 20th century?

Drake Parker:
Uh... Catcher in the Rye.

Mrs. Hayfer:
Wrong.

Drake Parker:
[after seeing spattered tomato on the bedroom wall] Who exploded?

Josh Nichols:
[talking about how Drake needs to break up with his girlfriend] All you need to do is act un-youish.

Drake Parker:
I'm not Jewish.

Josh Nichols:
No! Un-Drakeish

Drake Parker:
Pip-Pip-Da-Doodalydoo

Megan:
I am going to do such illegal things to them!

Josh Nichols:
I had a nightmare.

Drake Parker:
Was it the one where you got your foot stuck in the horse?

Josh Nichols:
Worse.

Drake Parker:
Worse than getting your foot stuck in a horse's...

[during a science project]

Josh Nichols:
Do you know what I'm hyper-focusing on right now?

Mindy Crenshaw:
Tell me.

Josh Nichols:
Your lips.

Mindy Crenshaw:
Ooh, Josh. You make me tingle like a five gigawatt capacitor.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
Drake, what's in this buckets I found in your room? [Drake hesitates]... The truth.

Drake Parker:
Hm... Lizard pee.

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
Psychiatric, twice a week.

Drake Parker:
But Mom, Dr. Stains makes me talk to puppets.

Josh Nichols:
Drake, where's my stereo?

Drake Parker:
Wisconsin.

Drake Parker:
Helen, can I have a job?

Helen:
Sure, just start tomorrow!

Josh Nichols:
[locked in Dr. Favershim's closet] You'd better open the door or we'll call the cops!

Drake Parker:
Yeah, we have a cell phone in here!

Dr. Favershim:
You have no cell phone.

Josh Nichols:
Do too!

Dr. Favershim:
Prove it. Play me a ring tone.

Josh Nichols:
[ringtone sounds] See?

Dr. Favershim:
Does it have Bluetooth?

Josh Nichols:
What?

Dr. Favershim:
Your cell phone, does it have Bluetooth?

Josh Nichols:
[mocking Favershim's accent] Yah, dude, it has Bluetooth!

Dr. Favershim:
I don't believe you; show me.

Josh Nichols:
Well open the door! [Favershim opens the door, Josh puts out his phone] See? Bluetooth! Ha! [Favershim takes the phone, slams the door & locks it]

Drake Parker:
Aw man!

Drake Parker:
Nice going, Blue-TOOTH!

Leah:
Something's bothering you.

Drake Parker:
How do you know?

Leah:
It'a woman, isn't it?

Drake Parker:
Yeah, well... a little woman.

Leah:
Go to her.

Drake Parker:
Go to her? Why?

Leah:
'Cause you know you should.

Drake Parker:
How do you know I know I should?

Leah:
'Cause if I didn't know you know you should, then I wouldn't know what I already know. Even if I should. [heads toward room]

Drake Parker:
Wait, who are you?

Leah:
A friend, a conscience, a trumpeteer. [blows into trumpet]

Josh Nichols:
Hey, wait for me! I wanna go to Chuckie Chedders! I wanna wack the mole! Oh, there's no bathroom in here! That's gonna be a problem! [struggles to get out of the tent]

Josh Nichols:
[taking smores out of oven] Hello, smores!

Josh Nichols:
Ahh! Hello Pain!

[Josh sticks his arm in pitcher of milk]

Drake Parker:
[staring at Josh] Uhh... Josh, they usually put the prize in the cereal, not the milk.

Drake Parker:
I love s'mores!

Josh Nichols:
Who doesn't?

Drake Parker:
I don't know, s'more haters?

Josh Nichols:
Good point.

Josh Nichols:
[with accent] I kissed your wife.

Drake Parker:
You're kind of a girl, right?

Mindy Crenshaw:
Well, if I'm not, then I've been buying the wrong underwear!

Josh Nichols:
[about the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to scare Drake] Drake, meet Chip and Ronnie. My old camp counselors.

[laughs]

Drake Parker:
[pause] Where did you go to camp?

Mr. Nichols:
[needing a last minute birthday gift for Audrey] Uh, get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste!

Josh Nichols:
Dad, there's two-hundred dollars here.

Mr. Nichols:
Well, get her some mouthwash, too! I'M JUST A MAN!

Drake Parker:
[after he has lost money to Megan at Darts] Hey - you just hustled me!

Megan Parker:
No, I didn't. I just pretended to be bad, so that you'd bet me and then I'd stop being bad and then I took your money!

Drake Parker:
That's hustling!

Megan Parker:
There's a word for it?

[takes the money from Drake]

Megan Parker:
Cool...

Josh Nichols:
YOU HIT ME REPEATEDLY!

Mr. Nichols:
Why are there two sheep in your room?

Josh Nichols:
OK like techaniclly the little one's called a lamb.

Drake Parker:
Only one more day and we're not grounded anymore! Dude, do you know what it's like to go two weeks without girls?

Josh Nichols:
[sadly] Yes... Yes, I do.

Drake Parker:
Oh, right. Sorry.

Drake Parker:
You're the best evil sister ever.

Josh Nichols:
You know the closet in the hall.

Drake Parker:
The hall closet.

Josh Nichols:
Yah, I stuffed it full of underwear so when she opens it, she'll get burried up to her evil little head in dirty underwear.

Drake Parker:
Eww, yours?

Josh Nichols:
Dads...

Drake Parker:
Ewer.

Josh Nichols:
I don't know Drake, all this cheating makes me feel... dirty.

Drake Parker:
Well, take a bath when you get home.

Josh Nichols:
We can't get into the Reptile Room [nightclub]. You have to be over 21.

Drake Parker:
You are over 21, Mr.

Drake Parker:
[pulls out fake I.D]

Drake Parker:
Yakatori!

Josh Nichols:
What's this?

Drake Parker:
Fake I.D.

Josh Nichols:
You got me a fake I.D.?

Drake Parker:
Yeah. Got me one, too. Take a look.

Drake Parker:
[hands Josh his own fake I.D]

Josh Nichols:
...Jefferson Steelflex?

Drake Parker:
Made it up myself.

Josh Nichols:
[sarcastically] Oh, DID ya?

Josh Nichols:
So, you're suggesting we go into the Reptile Room posing as... Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakatori.

Drake Parker:
Yeah, pretty much.

Josh Nichols:
I'm not using a fake I.D. It's illegal.

Drake Parker:
So? It's illegal to rob banks, but people do it!

Josh Nichols:
Yes, people who are bankrobbers!

Mrs. Parker:
[Drake and Josh are being "arrested," Megan begins to cry] Oh, sweetie... are you crying?

Megan Parker:
[wipes her eyes] I've just never been so happy.

[Drake and Josh are being "arrested," Megan begins to cry]

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
Oh, sweetie... are you crying?

Megan Parker:
[wipes her eyes] I've just never been so happy.

Josh Nichols:
Anyone want a tengelo? They're half tangerine, half....elo.

Drake Parker:
[British accent] 'ello

Security Guard:
[Drake and Josh are fighting with a guy in a mouse costume at the Demonator. The Guard picks them both up, and walks to Megan] You know these two?

Megan Parker:
Never seen them before in my life.

Josh Nichols:
Helen's been on my butt to sell more snacks.

Drake Parker:
You know,you really shouldn't use "butt" and "snacks" in the same sentence.

Drake Parker:
Let's see, the grills are about 40 bucks, right? So if we make 20%, that's...

[tracing in mid-air]

Drake Parker:
Eighty dollars a grill!

Josh Nichols:
No, move your decimal.

Drake Parker:
Oh, right.

[traces in the air again]

Drake Parker:
$8,000 a grill!

Josh Nichols:
[cutting him off] Eight dollars a grill!

Drake Parker:
[talking about the Gary Coleman grills] I'm telling you, we didn't steal the grills.

FBI Agent:
It was reported that two Caucasian males stole the grills from a factory truck.

Drake Parker:
See! We're not Caucasian, we're white guys!

[Josh leans over and whispers to Drake what Caucasian means]

Josh Nichols:
[Gary Coleman takes all Drake and Josh's new stuff because they spent all his money] Wait, can we at least keep the chair?

Gary Coleman:
Did you sit in it?

Josh Nichols:
Yeah.

Gary Coleman:
Keep it!

Josh Nichols:
[whispers to Drake] At least he forgot about the hockey table!

Gary Coleman:
[talking to the mover] And I want the hockey table...

Megan Parker:
[Is watching Drake and Josh argue] My favorite show. Boob and boober!

Josh Nichols:
[Talking about the Peruvian Puff Pepper] Okay, so how do we buy some?

Drake Parker:
Can't, it says here they're only available in South Ah-mer-ee-ca.

[Josh looks at Drake annoyingly]

Drake Parker:
What?

Josh Nichols:
South America!

Drake Parker:
[looks at his laptop] Oh.

Megan Parker:
[slapping Josh on butt] I want my Peruvian puff peppers!

Mindy Crenshaw:
Gahh! Crazy Steve's gone berserk!

Helen, Josh Nichols:
Crazy Steve?

Mindy Crenshaw:
Who else?

Crazy Steve:
[enters shouting] COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!

Drake Parker:
[to Carrie] Hi, I'm Drake.

Carrie:
I'm Carrie. [they make out]

Helen:
...You saying I should get married in a parking lot?

Leslie the tow truck driver:
[after Drake repeatedly makes fun of his name] Okay, uh... I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye.

[Starts walking back to his truck]

Josh Nichols:
[Gets down on his knees] No wait! Please don't go!

Leslie the tow truck driver:
[Without turning around] ROT IN A SACK! [gets in his tow truck and drives off]

Drake Parker:
Here, let me see if I can fix the engine

Josh Nichols:
You can't fix a sandwich!

Drake Parker:
If you make fun of me one more time, I'll tell everyone at school you named your favorite pillow Mr. PuffPuff.

Josh Nichols:
I'm sorry if I offended you.

Mrs. Parker:
Aww Drake, you don't eat a hot dog wearing a tuxedo!

Drake Parker:
This hot dog's not wearing a tuxedo.

Josh Nichols:
[Looking through an emergency kit] We have a quarter, a can of salmon, open, an ice tray, and half a shoe.

[the Theater Thug is robbing the Premier]

Theater Thug:
Where's the money?

Josh Nichols:
[confused] I don't know!

Theater Thug:
Yeah you do!

Josh Nichols:
[still confused] Yeah I do!

Megan Parker:
I call him "Little Joshica" [a picture of Josh as a girl with blonde hair comes on the computer screen]

Josh Nichols:
Not happening.

Josh Nichols:
Megan, can you hand up the saw... Drake forgot to cut the door down so we're stuck up here in the tree house.

Megan Parker:
Wow... this is the best day of my life.

Josh Nichols:
Megan! Just give us the saw!

Megan Parker:
No, I'm gonna get a snow cone.

Megan Parker:
[Drake prevents Megan from picking up the power saw] You guys are making me sick.

Megan Parker:
Maybe I should check into "Saint Illness" [rolls her eyes as she walks away].

Josh Nichols:
THE BABY'S ON THE ROOOOOOOFF!

Josh Nichols:
[dangling from the roof] I deserve this. This is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle, Sheldon in kindergarten. He went to heaven, and now my life is bad.

[shouts]

Josh Nichols:
You happy, Sheldon? We're even now!

Mr. Nichols:
[offscreen] Josh?

Josh Nichols:
Sheldon?

Audrey Parker-Nichols:
Drake, Josh why do the kitchen curtains smell like pee?

Josh Nichols:
So did you get the phone?

Drake Parker:
Yeah

Josh Nichols:
Yes!

Drake Parker:
But then I dropped it.

Josh Nichols:
No! You were so scared you couldn't hold onto the phone?

Drake Parker:
YOU WET YOUR PANTS!

Josh Nichols:
...This is true.

Drake Parker:
Evil dog, Evil girl.

Josh Nichols:
Oh, that's not beef.

Yeesta:
Oh? Then what is it?

Josh Nichols:
It's goat.

Yooka's Dad:
[everyone spits out goat meat] Glockma?

Yeesta:
You serve us goat balls?

Josh Nichols:
[to Yooka] I got you a gift.

Yooka:
What is it?

[opens bag]

Yooka:
Oh! It's a glockma!

Drake Parker:
No, that's a goat.

Josh Nichols:
Glockma means goat.

Yooka:
Yes, the goat is the national symbol of Youdonia. Very sacred in my country.

Drake Parker:
I'm not really her husband, we're just... married...

Girl #6:
[hands Josh her phone number]

Josh Nichols:
Wow, all seven digits.

Girl #6:
Huh?

Josh Nichols:
Uhh... nothing! Nothing, I will call you, yes.

Josh Nichols:
[runs back to booth where Audrey is sitting] OK, WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF WIZARD?