Ed Wood

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I met Bela Lugosi.

Dolores Fuller:
Why, I thought he was dead.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, he's very much alive. Well, sort of.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
This story's gonna grab people. It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses. Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn, Georgie. This is drama.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, grab some dinner, maybe?

Vampira:
You mean a date? I thought you were a fag.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, no, I'm just a transvestite.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I like to dress in women's clothing.

Georgie Weiss:
You're a fruit?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.

Georgie Weiss:
You're not a fruit?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W.2. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.

Criswell:
Eddie, we're in show biz. It's all about razzle-dazzle. Appearances. If you look good, and you talk well, people will swallow anything.

Dolores Fuller:
Ed, what's *my* motivation?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
You're the file clerk. You're running into the next room and you run into Janet.

Dolores Fuller:
But are we good friends or is she just a casual acquaintance?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Dolores, I have five days to complete this picture. Don't get goofy on me.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
We don't have a permit. Run!

Bela Lugosi:
GODDAMN, it's cold!

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
It'll warm up once you're in it.

Bela Lugosi:
F*** YOU! You come out here!

Bela Lugosi:
I refuse to drive in this country. Too many madmen.

Bela Lugosi:
This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
And cut! Print. We're moving on. That was perfect.

Ed Reynolds:
Perfect? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Well, I like to think so.

Ed Reynolds:
That cardboard headstone tipped over. This graveyard is obviously phony.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Nobody will ever notice that. Filmmaking is not about the tiny details. It's about the big picture.

Ed Reynolds:
The big picture?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Yes.

Ed Reynolds:
Then how 'bout when the policemen arrived in daylight, but now it's suddenly night?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
What do you know? Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Cut! That was perfect!

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Why if I had half a chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage. The story opens on these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So, the military are called in to solve the mystery.

Editor on Studio Lot:
You forgot the octopus.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, no, I'm saving that for my big underwater climax.

Orson Welles:
Visions are worth fighting for. Why spend your life making someone else's dreams?

Georgie Weiss:
So, what was the important news you couldn't tell me on the phone, again?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Well, I started thinking about what you were saying about how your movies need to make a profit. Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?

Georgie Weiss:
Tits.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, better than that. A star.

Georgie Weiss:
you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures; I make crap.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Yes, but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something.

Georgie Weiss:
Yeah. Crap with a star.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Do you know that I've even had producers re-cut my movies?

Orson Welles:
I hate when that happens.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
And they always want to cast their buddies. It doesn't even matter if they're right for the part.

Orson Welles:
Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller for Universal. They want Charlton Heston as a Mexican.

Bunny Breckinridge:
What about glitter? When I was a headliner in Paris, audiences always liked it when I sparkled.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No!

Bunny Breckinridge:
Cat's Eyes.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No!

Bunny Breckinridge:
Well, I'm going to need some antennae.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No! You're the ruler of the galaxy! Show a little taste!

Reverend Lemon:
Welcome to the fold, brother. Welcome. Praise the lord, brother. Do you reject Satan and all his evils?

Bunny Breckinridge:
Sure.

Bunny Breckinridge:
How do you do it? How do you get all your friends to get baptized just so you can make a monster movie?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
It's not a monster movie. It's a supernatural thriller.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Listen, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites. I need transvestites. All right. Bye.

Bela Lugosi:
Eddie, what kind of a movie is this?

Kathy O'Hara:
Eddie's the only fella in town who doesn't pass judgment on people.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
That's right. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
You know, you're, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movie.

Bela Lugosi:
Thank you.

Criswell:
Can your heart stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood Jr.?

Dr. Tom Mason:
I want to suck your blood. I want to suck your blood!

Bunny Breckinridge:
Let's hear you call Boris Karloff a cocksucker.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Is there a script?

Georgie Weiss:
F*** no. But, there's a poster.

Vampira:
Why couldn't we do this in the church?

Criswell:
Because Brother Tor couldn't fit in the sacred tub.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Mr. Reynolds.

Ed Reynolds:
Yes.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
We are going to finsh this picture just the way I want it... because you cannot compromise an artist's vision.

Reverend Lemon:
But it's OUR money.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
And you're gonna make a bundle, but only if you shut up and let me do things my way.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Is something wrong, Bela?

Bela Lugosi:
Pull the string! Pull the string!

Bela Lugosi:
I'm not getting near that goddamn thing. One of them burned me in "The Return of Chandu".

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
This is the one. 'This' is the one I'll be remembered for.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
They're driving me CRAZY. These Baptists are stupid. Stupid. STUPID.

Bela Lugosi:
They were mythic. They had a poetry to them.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Yes.

Bela Lugosi:
And you know what else? The women... the women preferred the traditional monsters.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
The women? Huh?

Bela Lugosi:
The pure horror, it both repels, and attracts them, because in their collective unconsiousness, they have the agony of childbirth. The blood. The blood is horror.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
You know, I never thought of that.

Bela Lugosi:
Take my word for it. If you want to make out with a young lady, take her to see "Dracula".

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
What are you drinking, Bela?

Bela Lugosi:
Formaldehyde

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Straight up or on the rocks?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Kathy... I'm about to tell you something that I never told any girl on a first date. But I think it's important that you know... I like to wear women's clothes.

Kathy O'Hara:
Huh?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I like to wear women's clothes. Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps. It's just something I do. And I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really like you, and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.

Kathy O'Hara:
Does this mean... you don't like sex with girls?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
No, I love sex with girls.

Kathy O'Hara:
Okay.

Makeup Man Harry:
Ed, what am I gonna do here.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
What do you mean?

Makeup Man Harry:
Has no hair.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Gee, I never noticed that. Put a wig on him!

Vampira:
You're watching our Halloween movie, "White Zombie", starring Bela Lugosi, John Harron, Madge Bellamy, and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.

Dolores Fuller:
You people are insane! You're wasting your lives making sh*t! Nobody cares! These movies are terrible!

Bunny Breckinridge:
Oh, what does that old queen know?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Are you people insane? I'm the director. I make the casting decisions around here.

Bela Lugosi:
This happens all the time.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Is there anything I can get for you? Water or a blanket?

Bela Lugosi:
Goulash.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I don't know how to make goulash.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Bela, what's in the needle?

Bela Lugosi:
Morphine. With a demerol chaser.

Tor Johnson:
Mister Bunny, what's wrong? I heard you were becoming a lady.

Bunny Breckinridge:
Oh, that. Mexico was... a nightmare. We got into a car accident... he was killed. Our luggage... was stolen. The surgeon... turned out to be... a quack. If it hadn't been for these men...

Bunny Breckinridge:
I don't know... how I would have... survived,

Dolores Fuller:
This isn't real life. You surrounded yourself with a bunch of weirdoes.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Louder, I don't think Bela heard you.

Bela Lugosi:
Children! I love children.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
It's a guaranteed blockbuster.

Ed Reynolds:
Hmm. Ah, I understand this science fiction is popular, but uh, don't the big hits always have big stars?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Well we have a big star: Bela Lugosi.

Ed Reynolds:
Bela Lugosi? Why, I though he passed on.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Yes. Yes he did. But...

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
I've got the last footage he ever shot.

Ed Reynolds:
Well, it doesn't look like very much.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.:
Mr. Reynolds, this is the acorn that will grow a great oak! I'll just get a double to finish his scenes, and we'll release it as "Bela Lugosi's Final Film"!

Bunny Breckinridge:
I realized that I have to take action! Goodbye, penis!

Dolores Fuller:
Could you please keep it down?

Criswell:
Can your heart stand the true facts of the shocking story... of Edward D. Wood, Junior? [from opening monologue]

Ed Wood:
I'm Ed Wood, I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture.

George Weiss:
Well, a couple of things have changed. It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more. Goddamn Variety had to put the story before I got the rights. Now that b*tch is asking for the sky.

Ed Wood:
Oh, you're not gonna make the movie?

George Weiss:
No, of course I'm gonna make the picture! I already presold Alabama and Oklahoma. Those repressed Okies, they go for that twisted, perverted stuff. We'll just do it without the shemale. We'll fictionalize it.

Ed Wood:
Is there a script?

George Weiss:
F***, no. But there's a poster. [he holds up a movie poster for "I Changed My Sex"] It opens nine weeks in Tulsa.

Ed Wood:
Well Mr. Weiss, look no further, I'm your man. I work fast and I'm a deal. I write and direct. And I'm good. I just did a play in Hollywood and Victor Crowley himself praised its realism.

George Weiss:
There's about 500 guys in this town that could say the same thing. On the phone you said you had some "special qualifications"?

Ed:
Mister Weiss... I have never told anyone what I'm about to tell you. But I really want this job. [pauses, takes a deep breath] I like to wear women's clothing.

George Weiss:
You're a fruit?

Ed:
No, not at all. I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.

George Weiss:
You're not a fruit?

Ed:
No, I'm all man. I even fought in W.W. Two. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.

George Weiss:
You gotta be kidding me.

Ed:
Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassier and panties. I wasn't afraid of being killed, but I was terrified of being wounded and having the medics discover my secret.

George Weiss:
So you think this qualifies you to direct my movie?

Ed:
Yes. I know what it's like to live with a secret and worry what people are gonna think of you. My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.

George Weiss:
Ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around ya. I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. I make movies like "Chained Girls." I need someone with experience, who can shoot a film in four days, and make me a profit. I'm sorry, that's all that matters.

[Bela Lugosi is trying on coffins.]

Bela Lugosi:
Too constrictive! I can't even fold my arms.

Coffin Salesman:
Gee, Mister Lugosi, I-I've never had any complaints.

Bela:
This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in. Your selection is quite shoddy. You are wasting my time!

Ed Wood:
Mister Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?

Bela:
I'm planning on dying soon.

Ed:
No!

Bela:
Yes. I'm embarking on another truck and bus tour of "Dracula". Twelve cities in ten days, if that's conceivable.

Ed Wood:
Boy, Mister Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?

Bela:
I have no next picture.

Ed:
You gotta be joking. A big star like you? You must have dozens of 'em lined up.

Bela:
In the old days, yes. Now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.

Bela:
This business, this town... it chews you up and spits you out. I'm just an ex-boogeyman.

Weiss:
So what was the important news you couldn't tell me on the phone, again?

Ed Wood:
Well, I started thinking about how you said your movies needed to make a profit. Now, what is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?

George Weiss:
Tits.

Ed:
No, better than that. A star!

Weiss:
Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick. I don't make major motion pictures, I make crap.

Ed:
Yes — but if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something!

Weiss:
Yeah. Crap with a star.

Ed:
No, something better! Something impressive. Maybe the biggest money maker you've ever had.

Weiss:
Fine, alright. You maybe right, but it doesn't frickin' matter! I can't afford a star, so what are we even talking about?

Ed:
Alright, what if I told you you could have a star for $1000?

Weiss:
Who?

[Ed holds up a photo of [Bela Lugosi]

Weiss:
Lugosi?

Ed:
Yes, Lugosi!

Weiss:
Isn't he dead?

Ed:
No, he's not dead! He lives in Baldwin Hills. I met him recently, and he really wants to be in our movie.

Weiss:
Why would Lugosi wanna do a sex-change flick?

Ed:
Because he's my friend!

Weiss:
All right, fine! You can direct it. I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.

Ed:
Oh... oh, Mister Weiss, thank you so much! You won't regret it! I won't let you down!

[Dolores comes out of the bedroom to find Ed dressed in drag.]

Dolores Fuller:
So that's where my sweater's been.

[Ed and Bela are watching Vampira's TV show.]

Ed Wood:
Oh, I hate it when she interrupts the picture. She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.

Bela Lugosi:
I think she's a honey. Look at those jugs!

[Bela is doing his trademark "hypnotic" hand gesture.]

Ed Wood:
My gosh, Bela, how do you do that?

Bela Lugosi:
You must be double-jointed. And you must be Hungarian.

[Bela arrives while Ed is on the phone with Bunny Breckinridge.]

Bela Lugosi:
Eddie, you got me a new picture, eh?

Ed Wood:
Yes. It's gonna be a great picture and you'll love your character. Have a seat. [back on phone] Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go. Listen, work some parties, hit the bars, and get me transvestites! I need transvestites! All right. Bye. [hangs up]

Bela:
Eddie... what kind of a movie is this?

[Ed, dressed in drag for a scene as Glenda, addresses his crew on the first day of filming.]

Ed Wood:
Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey: four days of hard work. But when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten, and maybe even move millions of people.

Conrad Brooks:
You know which movie of yours I love, Mister Lugosi? "The Invisible Ray". You were great as Karloff's sidekick.

Bela Lugosi:
Karloff? Sidekick? F*** YOU! Karloff does not deserve to smell my SH*T! That Limey cocksucker can rot in hell for all I care!

Ed Wood:
W-what happened?

Bela:
How dare that a**hole bring up Karloff? You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein? It's all, all makeup, and-and grunting. [imitates Frankenstein] Grrr-Rrrr!

Ed:
I agree, Bela. I agree a hundred percent. Now Dracula — there's a part that takes talent.

[On the set, Ed has taken to wearing women's clothing full-time.]

Ed Wood:
But, Georgie, I'm proud! I wrote, directed, and starred in it, just like Orson Welles did in "Citizen Kane".

George Weiss:
Yeah? Well, Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he?

Ed Wood:
[over the phone] Georgie, what happened? I thought "Glen or Glenda" was opening this week! Where's the ads?

George Weiss:
"Where's the ads?" The ads are in Alabama, Indiana and Missouri, you schmuck! It ain't gonna play in L.A.!

Ed Wood:
Why not?

George Weiss:
Nobody wants to see this piece of sh*t!

Ed Wood:
Hey, you can't talk that way about my movie!

George Weiss:
Your movie?! I wish it was your movie! I wish I had never blown every dime I ever made into making this stinkbomb! And if I ever see ya again, I'll kill ya! [angrily hangs up]

Dolores Fuller:
How can you walk around like that in front of all these people?

Ed:
Well, hon, look around. Nobody's bothered but you.

Dolores:
Ed, this isn't the real world! You've surrounded yourself with a bunch of weirdos!

[Ed, Dolores, and Bunny are at a professional wrestling show.]

Bunny Breckinridge:
Guess where I'm going next week.

Ed Wood:
I don't know. Where?

Bunny:
Me-hee-co. Guess what I'm doing when I get there.

Ed:
I don't know — lie on a beach.

Bunny:
Wrong. I'm getting my first series of hormone injections. And when those girls kick in, they're gonna take out my organs and make me... a woman.

Ed:
Are you serious?

Bunny:
It's something I've wanted to do for a long time. But it wasn't until I saw your movie that I realized I have to take action! Goodbye, penis!

Dolores Fuller:
Would you please keep it down?

Ed Wood:
Bela, what's in the needle?

Bela Lugosi:
Morphine. With a Demerol chaser.

[Ed is on the phone with Mr. Feldman at Warner Brothers Studios.]

Ed Wood:
So — we gonna be working together? [pauses to listen] Really? Worst film you ever saw. Well, my next one will be better. Hello. Hello?

Bela Lugosi:
This... this live television is madness!

Criswell:
And who may you be?

Ed Wood:
Edward D. Wood, Junior.

Criswell:
Ah — the director of "Glen or Glenda".

Ed:
How'd you know?

Criswell:
I am Criswell. I know all.

Bela Lugosi:
At Universal, we used to shoot one or two scenes a day. Eddie can knock off twenty, thirty — he's amazing!

Vampira:
Look, buddy, I've got real offers from real studios. I don't need to blow some dentist to get a part. Forget it.