Evan Almighty

[signing off for the last time]

Evan Baxter:
I feel like that old Indian in front of all the garbage. So, for the last time, this is Evan Baxter for Eyewitness News. Goodnight.

Reporter:
Its September 22 and no flood. Awkward!

Eve Adams:
What do you mean there's water damage? It rained for ten minutes! That's impossi... (sees the Ark riding the flood by while one of her signs drops on her car)

Evan:
(after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here.

Evan:
(to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress) Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?

(two wolves growl at Long)

Evan:
Don't look now Congressman but the wolves are here. Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves but those.

(Evan gestures to the angry members of Congress standing behind Long)

(Is using ancient tools to build the ark)

Evan:
Ever hear of Home Depot!?

[Evan walks into the office with a beard]

Evan Baxter:
Rita, it's me!

Rita Daniels:
Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a Bee Gee?

God:
How do you change the world?

Evan:
One single act of random kindness at a time.

God:
[spoken while writing A-R-K on the ground with a stick] One Act, of Random, Kindness.

Evan:
(sees a truck in his yard delivering another unordered shipment) Hey!!! Hey!! Hey!!!! (Pounds on window then runs outside) Whoa whoa whoa. What is going on?!

Mailman:
I have a delivery for an Evan Baxter?

Evan:
No I am sorry that's not mine. I didn't order that!

Mailman:
I just delivery guy okay? If you want to complain call our number. (gets into truck and the truck drives off without the shipment)

Evan:
Hey wait!!! Listen!!! We're 4:16 not 6:14!!! You got the wrong house!!!! You can't leave that there!!!! (The mailman waves goodbye from the truck as it exits the driveway) LISTEN!!!!*** LISTEN!!!!*** THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A BROWN PATCH!!!!*** I AM A U.S. CONGRESSMAN!!!!!**** (Glares after the truck)

Evan:
People, the flood is Imminent (nothing happens) IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A LITTLE PRECIPITATION!?

God:
I now issue a new commandment: "Thou shalt do the dance."

(After a short but heavy downpour, the sky clears again with the clouds moving further away.)

Neighbor 1:
This was it Baxter?

Neighbor 2:
Is your god experiencing a slight water shortage?

Reporter:
It would seem that Congressman Baxter was correct about the rain, with a slight miscalculation as to the quantity.

God:
Tell you what. You build it and I'll fill it. Oh and you might need this. [Holds up a book titled "Ark Building for Dummies"]

God:
I'm God.

Evan:
You're God!?

God:
Yes and I want you Evan Baxter to build an ark.

Evan:
Okay this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call over but I have to get going because supposedly I have an ark to build. Nice to meet ya...(walks away)

[Evan is driving to work]

Evan Baxter:
Okay that is over. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Sucessful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rearview, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]

God:
[smiling] Let it out, son. It's the beginning of wisdom.

Evan Baxter:
How did you get in here?! D'ah, I'm calling the cops!

God:
No wait. Look-look-look! There's one right there. [Points to a motorcycle cop on the shoulder. Evan rolls down his window]

Evan Baxter:
Officer! Officer! Carjacker, carjacker in the car! Carjacker in the car! [The officer turns to face Evan and reveals that he is God]

God (as police officer):
Careful pulling out. Pedestrian in the crosswalk.

[Evan turns around. God has vanished. He looks and sees God everywhere - crossing the street, and in the car behind him, honking for him to move]

[Evan comes in with a beard and long hair]

Marty:
Rita when Evan shows... [Sees Evan] Sorry sir I will be with you in just one moment...[Rita gestures to Evan; Marty gasps] Gah! Evan?!

Evan:
In case you ask I am going through adult puberty. This is temporary...why did you summon me? What is so important?

Marty:
What is so important?! I have a letter of intent here about Congressman Long's bill! You remember that? And now he wants you to sign this in person Evan!

Evan:
I can't do it.

Marty:
No you can't do it looking like that. You have to go shave!

Evan:
I cannot shave Marty. If I shave it just grows back.

Marty:
That's what happens when you shave...and then you shave AGAIN!!

Evan:
[Frustrated] You have no idea...

God:
(to Evan) Build the ark. And if anybody asks, just say, a flood is coming.

God:
I remember creating this valley. Notice how the mountains lie from east to west.

Evan:
Where are we?

God:
Don't recognize, eh? This is where you live, son. This is Prestige Crest. I just wanted you to see the original design.

Evan:
So, you're... really... HIM?

God:
Want more proof? I haven't done the pillar of salt thing in a while.

Evan:
No. No. I believe you. But why me?

God:
You said you want to change the world. So do I.

God:
[posing as a waiter named Al Mighty] I love that story, Noah and the Ark. You know, a lot of people miss the point of that story. They think it's about God's wrath and anger. They love it when God gets angry.

Joan:
What is the story about, then? The ark?

God:
Well, I think it's a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.

Joan:
But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?

God:
Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy. (Waves his arm and as he leaves Joan looks in shock to see her plate refilled without God having to leave and fill it)

Rita:
You said God told you to do it. (build the Ark)

Evan:
Yes.

Rita:
But did God tell you to let your friends come down here and make them look stupid? Cuz I go to church every Sunday... Ok, every other Sunday... Alright, I've been to church and that does not sound like God to me!

Evan:
Do we have anything unleavened?

Joan:
Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.

Evan:
SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!!!

Evan:
(Joan and the kids have just left him) I know, I know. Everything you do, you do because you love me. (A sprinkler blasts him in the face) Do me a favor; love me less!

Evan:
(With his arms and staff outstretched to the looming Memorial Bridge, as the Ark is fast approaching it.) I command thee halt! Stop! Woah! (Nothing happens) How about a little help here?!

[Suddenly the whole right side of the Ark falls dark, as a massive wave four times the size and height of the Ark rises up and crashes down redirecting its path instantly down Capital Mall.]

Joan:
How are we going to do this? There is no way the five of us can finish on time. We don't have any money to hire anyone else?

(A bleating behind her causes them all to look.)

Joan:
Is that a llama with a hammer?

Jordan:
An alpaca. They rarely spit at people, unless frightened or abused.

[Joan looks back to Evan in amazement]

Evan:
[Slinging a chord on rope over his shoulder] Let's finish this sucker.

Evan:
You knew it all along, didn't you? You knew the dam was unstable. If it hadn't been for the ark, my family, the neighbors... I fought you every step of the way.

God:
Yes, but you did it.

Evan:
So you had nothing to do with the flood? Like where the ark landed exactly?

God:
I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.

God:
You did good, son. You changed the world.

Evan:
No. No I didn't.

God:
Well lets see. Spending time with your family making them very happy. You gave that dog a home.

Evan:
(walks in with his beard braided and his hair tied into a ponytail) Marty. Sorry I am late. Come on let's go!

Marty:
(disgustedly drops his phone) What...is that!?

Evan:
I am making lemonade out of lemons. Pick up your phone and let's go! (They walk into a meeting live on television. Rita looks in genuine disust)

Rita:
Evan, what are you doing?! You have a ponytail on your face! Whattaya going to do next!? Cornroll your eyebrows?!

Tag lines:
A comedy of Biblical proportions.

Tag lines:
Flooding into cinemas soon.

Tag lines:
Evan help us.

Tag lines:
Why are all of these animals following Evan Baxter? God only knows.

Tag lines:
God has a great design. Guess who's building it?

Evan:
Do we have anything unleavened?

Joan:
Yeah, we do. It's in the back, next to the frankincense and myrrh. We have a fancy name for it in this century. It's called pita.

Evan:
Got it.

Joan:
Evan, what is happening to you?(Evan is about to take a bite from the bread but Joan takes it from him)

Joan:
Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you! The hair? Are you on something? Is it a mega-growth hormon? What?(Evan remains silent)

Joan:
Evan, talk to me(Evan takes a deep breath)

Evan:
I'm building an ark.

Joan:
What does that mean?

Evan:
God appeared to me and told me to build an ark.He said it was going to be a flood and that I should be prepared.Whenever I shave, my beard grows right back out. My hair grows longer every day. This robe...(Joan now close to tears, looks worryingly at Evan in his robe)

Evan:
God sent me the robe. He thought it would be funny.I actually think it's really comfortable, that's why I'm wearing it.

Joan:
(slowly, trying to hide her worry) The beard, the robe. You're Noah?

Evan:
(slightly nodding) Yeah, kind of.(Dylan walks into the room)

Dylan:
Mom?

Joan:
Not now, Noah! Dylan.

Dylan:
Okay...(He leaves the room)(Joan looks back at Evan and takes a deep breath)

Joan:
We left everything behind to come here. Maybe that's put to much pressure on you. I don't know. (Getting emotional) But this has got to stop! Please! You're scaring me. The boys need their father back and I need my husband back!

Evan:
Joan, I know you probably saw what happend but I can explain.(Evan sees his family standing in the hallway with packed bags).

Joan:
Take this stuff to the car, guys. I'll be there in a minute.

Evan:
Guys?(His sons says nothing as they walk past him. Dylan sadly regards his father)(Evan looks at his wife)

Joan:
I'm gonna take them to my mothers. Evan, I think you need help.

Evan:
(Pleading) Joan, please. I'm not doing this it's not me, it's Him! I went to that meeting in a suit and He took it off of me. (Gesturing forwards the window) Those animals are following me because of Him.

Joan:
God? Does God know that He is destroying our lives? Does God know that He is going to get you fired?

Evan:
Yeah! He is trying to get me fired. (Realising) He is trying to get me fired. That way I'll have even more time to work on the ark!

Joan:
Because the rain and the floods are coming. No, I heard you Evan. The whole world heard you! (She starts walking towards the door)

Evan:
Joan, please. You gotta believe me. (At that moment rain stats splattering on the window)

Evan:
There it is! It's happening! It's happening! It's raining! (He runs outside only to realise that it was only the sprinklers. Joan looks shocked at him)

Joan:
Goodbye, Evan

God:
I'm God.

Evan:
You're God!?

God:
Yes and I want you, Evan Baxter, to build an ark.

Evan:
Okay, you know what, this conversation is a little thing I'd like to call, over. But, I gotta get to get going because frankly, I have an ark to build. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Nice meeting ya, take care.(walks away) Oh, and... (turns around to realize that God has vanished)

[Evan is driving to work]

Evan Baxter:
Shake it off, Evan. It's over. The nutcase is gone. I am successful, I am powerful, I am handsome, and I am happy. Successful, powerful, handsome- [Looks into rear view mirror, and sees God in the back seat, having just appeared out of nowhere] Happy! [He screams]

Evan Baxter:
[after the Ark crashes into Congress) We can walk from here.

Evan Baxter:
(to Long after the Ark crashes into Congress] Hello Congressman. Mind if I park my boat here?

Evan Baxter:
And he wanted me to wear this robe because he thought it would be funny.

God:
(appears at Congress and recites the the Pledge of Allegiance) I pledge allegiance to the flag under the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under me indivisible and liberty and justice for all.