Garden State

Sam:
Hey, I recognize you.

Andrew Largeman:
Oh, did you go to Columbia High?

Sam:
No, not from high school, from TV. Didn't you play the retarded quarterback?

Andrew Largeman:
Yeah.

Sam:
Are you really retarded?

Andrew Largeman:
No.

Sam:
Ooh, great job man! I really thought you were retarded. I mean, you're better than that Corky kid and he's actually retarded. If there was a retarded Oscar you would win, hands down, kick his ass!

Karl Benson:
Hey man, I thought you killed yourself.

Andrew Largeman:
What?

Karl Benson:
I thought you killed yourself. That wasn't you?

Andrew Largeman:
No, no, tha-that wasn't me.

Andrew Largeman:
You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.

Sam:
I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman:
You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

Sam:
Wow! I cannot believe you're not retarded!

Sam:
What's the word that's burning in your heart?

Andrew Largeman:
This is my life, Dad. This is it. I spend 26 years waiting for something else to start. So no, I don't think it's too much to take on because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is.

Obnoxious Girl:
I'll have a Kettle Cosmo, with Red Bull - and some bread ASAP.

Andrew Largeman:
...We don't have bread.

Obnoxious Girl:
What do you mean you don't have bread, how can you not have bread?

Andrew Largeman:
...we're a Vietnamese restaurant... we just don't have bread.

Obnoxious Girl:
Well, you're not Vietnamese.

Andrew Largeman:
...No, I'm not.

Obnoxious Girl:
Can I have something to chew on! F***, bamboo! Whatever!

Andrew Largeman:
I'll see what I can find.

Sam:
You're in it right now, aren't you?

Andrew Largeman:
What?

Sam:
My mom always says that, when she can see I'm like working something out in my head, she's like, 'you're in it right now' and I'm looking at you're telling this story, and you're definitely in it.

Titembay:
Someone has been pissing on my Gamecube and I'm about to close the case.

Andrew Largeman:
You're the alligator?

Gideon Largeman:
And besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

Mark:
We'll probably head over there right after we bury your mom.

Andrew Largeman:
We're not playing Spin the Bottle; how old are we? More importantly, how old are they?

Jesse:
Oh, they're all legal. I think...

Carol:
Oh... guys? Don't stay in here all day. I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.

Dr. Cohen:
Mister... Andrew Largeman?

Andrew Largeman:
Yes?

Dr. Cohen:
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you

Andrew Largeman:
Really?

Dr. Cohen:
Just kidding; how the hell would I know?

Dr. Cohen:
You know, our bodies are capable of doing some very funny things when they're consumed by stress and anxiety. Uh, I found my ex-best friend's cufflinks in my wife's purse. I couldn't get an erection for a year and a half. For example.

Andrew Largeman:
Wow. Um, but I don't really think that's it...

Aunt Sylvia Largeman:
I made you something. It's a shirt.

Andrew Largeman:
Thats... That's good, thank you.

Aunt Sylvia Largeman:
Will you try it on now?

Andrew Largeman:
Now?

Aunt Sylvia Largeman:
Well, in case I have to fix it before you leave again and we don't see you for another nine years. I wanna make sure it fits.

Aunt Sylvia Largeman:
Thanks for the time that you've given me. The memories are all in my mind. And now that we've come to the end of our rainbow, there's something I must say out loud. Yes, you're once, twice, three times a lady. I love you. Yes, you're once, twice, three times a lady. I love you. I love you.

Sam:
So what are you here for?

Andrew Largeman:
What are you here for?

Sam:
Waiting for a friend, you?

Andrew Largeman:
I uh...

Sam:
Oh f***, that was so nosy. I'm sorry, ack. I am. I am so nosy. I didn't I didn't mean to be. I am sorry.

Andrew Largeman:
No, I just get these headaches. I wanna have em checked out.

Sam:
Cool

Mark:
So this is it...

Andrew Largeman:
So knock... knock and barter for Desert Storm trading cards.

Mark:
Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an a**hole.

Mark:
I'm okay with being unimpressive, I sleep better.

Andrew Largeman:
We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but, for for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is that we are.

Andrew Largeman:
And you know what, I'm not gonna take those drugs anymore, because they just left me feeling numb. I have felt SO F***ING NUMB to everything in my entire life. And for that... I'm here to forgive YOU.

Mark:
The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money.

Diego:
Does it come with balloons?

Mark:
What am I, a birthday clown? NO! It doesn't come with balloons. Suck it off the tap!

Olivia:
I'm sorry, we just haven't had the time to train them. Who has the time to train them?

Andrew Largeman:
I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!

Sam:
I'm not innocent.

Andrew Largeman:
Yes, you are! That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other or whatever else is down here!

Karl Benson:
I should get your number.

Andrew Largeman:
Yeah... well... I'll call you. I'll get your number from him, because I think he's got it in his... book...

Sam:
Wow. That's pretty damn random of you there, Andrew. Nice to meet you, can I use you?

Andrew Largeman:
No.

Sam:
It must be the Hollywood in you.

Andrew Largeman:
There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of missed.

Sam:
There's a handful of normal kid things I kind of WISH I missed.

Sam:
OK, so... so... sometimes I lie. I mean, I'm weird, man. About random stuff too, I don't even know why I do it. It's like... it's like a tick, I mean sometimes I hear myself say something and think, Wow, that wasn't even remotely true.

Andrew Largeman:
You're a COP, Kenny?

Kenny:
Yeah, I know!

Andrew Largeman:
...Why?

Kenny:
I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do.

Kenny:
People really listen to you, you know? I mean...

Kenny:
they HAVE to!

Kenny:
Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like... *MMM*... rich!

Kenny:
Your mom just died!

Titembay:
Peace out, playa!

Sam:
It's not that we're bad pet owners or anything, it's just, you know, we've had so many of them over the years. Besides, a lot of these are fish.

Sam:
This is Tickle.

Andrew Largeman:
What is Tickle?

Sam:
Tickle is my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket.

Andrew Largeman:
Tickle is all that remains. Was there a hurricane or something?

Sam:
Shut up!

Sam:
We're not gonna make out or anything, okay?

Andrew Largeman:
What?

Sam:
Oh, I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?

Kelly:
Well, we just ate all this f***ing 'X', so what the hell else are we supposed to do?

Jesse:
The woman has a point.

Sam:
I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done.

Andrew Largeman:
Can you imagine being the guy whose job it is to argue for the right to build a mall on top of a geological phenomenon?

Mark:
They love their malls here, man.

Andrew Largeman:
They sent me away to boarding school. Sent me away makes it sound like they sent me to an asylum. There were no straps involved.

Andrew Largeman:
But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.

Kenny:
I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making sh*t at that fish market. No one knew who I was, I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.

Mark:
Hey, if you ever need a Kato, you know where to find me.

Andrew Largeman:
You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for whatever reason. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, This is love... this is love.

Gideon Largeman:
Saying goodbye is important. I'm glad you could fit it in.

Andrew Largeman:
I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it.

Andrew Largeman:
So what do we do? What do we do?

Sam:
If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.

Andrew Largeman:
Alright, so what are we laughing at you about?

Sam:
I lied again... I have epilepsy.

Andrew Largeman:
Which part are we laughing about?

Sam:
had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn't cover me unless I wore preventative covering.

Andrew Largeman:
What's preventative covering?

Sam:
The helmet I was wearing... Oh come on, thats funny. Thats really funny, I mean I'm the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn't putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can't quit... their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

Sam:
You gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life I swear.

Sam:
That's life. If nothing else, its life. It's real, and sometimes it f***in' hurts, but it's sort of all we have.

Andrew Largeman:
Let's just talk about good stuff.

Sam:
Good stuff?

Andrew Largeman:
Yeah. Glass half full sh*t. What do you got?

Sam:
I got a little buzz. I got that.

Sam:
What you got?

Andrew Largeman:
I got a little buzz going

Andrew Largeman:
and I like you.

Andrew Largeman:
So there's that. I guess I have that.

Sam:
I can tap-dance. You wanna see me tap-dance?

Andrew Largeman:
I would love to see you tap-dance.

Dr. Cohen:
Of course you're all right. You're alive.

Sam:
He's defending me. He's my knight in shining armor.

Andrew Largeman:
Don't mention knights around Mark, it's a sore subject.

Mark:
I'm going to kill that motherf***er.

Andrew Largeman:
Pun intended?

Sam:
This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.

Mark:
I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better.

Sam:
I haven't even lied in like, the past two days.

Andrew Largeman:
Is that true?

Sam:
No.

Andrew Largeman:
Hey Albert? Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.

Albert:
Thanks. Hey, you too.

Andrew Largeman:
You remember that idea I had about working stuff out on my own and then finding you once I figured stuff out?

Sam:
The ellipsis?

Andrew Largeman:
Yes, the ellipsis. It's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? 'Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you, Samantha. I think that's the only thing I've ever been really sure of in my entire life.

Sam:
If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

Andrew Largeman:
You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.

Andrew Largeman:
F***, this hurts so much.

Sam:
I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it f***ing hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.

Diego:
Who just saw some titties?

Diego:
Ok. Now everybody calm the f*** down!

Jesse:
Dude, maybe you should stay over by the steps. I don't know CPR.

Mark:
You look like a wet beaver.

Andrew Largeman:
I just feel like I've been going to too many of these lately.

Sam:
What? Dates?

Andrew Largeman:
You call this a date? This isn't a date. No, funerals.

Andrew Largeman:
Safe... when I'm with you I feel so safe... like I'm home.

Sam:
My hair is blowing in the wind.

Andrew Largeman:
It looks nice in here.

Gideon Largeman:
Yeah, we've been doing some work to the place.

Andrew Largeman:
Really?

Gideon Largeman:
No, I don't know why I just said that.

Andrew Largeman:
My mom just died. God, it's weird to say it out loud, but... my mom just died.

Carol:
Mark, he's a knight.

Mark:
He's just a fast food knight.

Andrew Largeman:
Do you lie a lot?

Sam:
What do you consider a lot?

Andrew Largeman:
Enough for people to call you a liar.

Sam:
People call me lots of things...

Andrew Largeman:
Is one of them liar?

Sam:
I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?

Andrew Largeman:
I guess I could choose to trust you.

Sam:
You can do that?

Andrew Largeman:
I can try.

Andrew Largeman:
This isn't a conversation about this being over. I'm not like, putting a period at the end of this. I'm putting like... an ellipsis on it.

Mark:
Hey, vagina!

Andrew Largeman:
Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.

Jesse:
Hey.

Sam:
Hey.

Dave:
What's up?

Mark:
Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.

Sam:
Oh, that's okay.

Mark:
Nice. Let's get f***ed up.

Sam:
How's your head?

Andrew Largeman:
I shall live through the day.

Sam:
Cool.

[as Largeman, Mark, and Sam are leaving Albert's quarry.]

Andrew Largeman:
Good luck exploring the infinite abyss.

Albert:
Thanks...Hey, you too.

Sam:
Well, don't try anything funny, 'cause my uncle's a bounty hunter and he can have you tracked and killed.

Andrew Largeman:
You're such a liar.

Andrew Largeman:
I think we've corrupted this innocent girl enough for one day!

Sam:
I'm not innocent.

Andrew Largeman:
Yes, you are. That's what I like about you, okay? And I don't want this guy taking you to some sketchy quarry in the middle of Newark to find crack whores huffing turpentine or pit bulls raping each other, or whatever else is down here!

Mark:
Man, that's the most worked up I've ever seen you.

Sam:
He's protecting me.

Andrew Largeman:
So?

Sam:
He likes me!

Andrew Largeman:
Don't be cute.

Sam:
He's my knight in shining armor.

Andrew Largeman:
Don't talk about knights in front of Mark. It's a sore subject.

Mark:
I'm gonna kill that motherf***er.

Andrew Largeman:
Pun intended?

Andrew Largeman:
You're a cop, Kenny?

Kenny:
Yeah, I know.

Andrew Largeman:
Why?

Kenny:
I don't know, man. Had nothing better to do. Plus, the benefits are great, you know? If I get shot on the job, I'm like, ummmm... rich!

Andrew Largeman:
But Kenny, the last time I saw you, you were doing coke lines off a urinal.

Kenny:
I know, I know, man... but it was time for me to grow up, you know? Plus, I wasn't making sh*t at that fish market. No one knew who I was. I couldn't get laid. Yeah, it's a much better situation for me now.

Tim:
By the way, it says "Balls" on your face.

Andrew:
[to Mark] A**hole.

Mark:
My mom did it.

Diego:
Raise your hand if you just saw some titties

[Mark, Largeman and Sam raise their hands tentatively]

Diego:
Ok. Now everybody calm the f*** down!

Mark's Mom:
Don't be shy, Tim, tell them what you said to me last night.

Tim:
No...

Mark:
Tell us what you said to her last night!

Tim:
[In Klingon] Kiteeki maru, al fooksu.

Mark:
You have got to be kidding me.

Mark's Mom:
It means "I like to mate after battle."

Tim:
That isn't what I said.

Mark's Mom:
Yeah...

Tim:
NO, that isn't the one I said! This one means "Kill Kirk".... and also, "hallelujah", depending on the context...

Largeman:
Oh, you mean Gymnastics Tina? How did she do it?

Mark:
I don't know. She isn't Jewish, I didn't bury her.

Karl Benson:
I think it was painkillers. Or that car in the garage thing.

Andrew Largeman (Large):
This is my life, Dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are gonna be okay. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? I think that will be better.

Andrew Largeman (Large):
It's amazing how much of my life has been determined by a quarter inch piece of plastic.

Sam:
What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

Sam:
Sidecars are for b*tches.

Mark:
Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an a**hole.

Mark:
Come on, please. If I was going to get you coke we would've gone to the f***ing high school football practice. We would've been rolling five hours ago.

Kenny:
Your mom just died! ..... I mean, that's why you're home.