Get Smart

[repeated line]

Maxwell Smart:
Sorry about that, Chief.

[repeated line]

Maxwell Smart:
Missed it by that much.

Siegfried:
This is Kaos. We don't *shush* here!

Chief:
How can we believe a man who would sell out his friends?

Siegfried:
Dumkopf! Who else are you supposed to sell out? You can't betray enemies!

[repeated line]

Agent 99:
Good thinking, Max.

[repeated line]

Agent 99:
Oh, Max!

Maxwell Smart:
[repeated line]

Maxwell Smart:
That's the second biggest... I've ever seen.

Siegfried:
[Repeated Line] Idiots! Dummkopfs! Sissies!

Maxwell Smart:
Ah, it's the old... trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Just my luck, I had to run into a poisonous achtung.

Maxwell Smart:
Pardon me while I get my shoe phone.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe...

Maxwell Smart:
That's the second time I've fallen for it this month!

Maxwell Smart:
[running gag, after being warned by the Chief that his next assignment will be the most dangerous yet]... And loving it!

[repeated lines]

Maxwell Smart:
Don't tell me... [bad news of the week]

[99 or Chief tells Max the bad news]

Maxwell Smart:
I asked you not to tell me that!

[repeated line]

Maxwell Smart:
Ah yes! If only he'd used his [gizmo of the week] for niceness instead of evil!

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has two theater tickets] Oh, well you see 99, I was kinda hoping that maybe you might join me.

99:
Oh Max, why couldn't you have asked me something like that months ago?

Maxwell Smart:
Well I just got the tickets five minutes ago and I coudn't think of anybody else that would go Dutch.

Chief:
[on phone] Max, where in the world are you?

Maxwell Smart:
[on payphone] Well Chief, I thought I needed a little vacation so I came to St. Germain island.

Chief:
St Germain Island? Max, I need you!

Maxwell Smart:
Big assignment, eh?

Chief:
No, you left with my car keys.

Maxwell Smart:
So. It's Miss Hilton. Susan Hilton. I worked with you for five years and you never told me your name.

99:
You never asked me.

Maxwell Smart:
Susan Hilton. I don't like it. I like 99 a lot better.

Victor Royal:
[having dropped M. Montaigne through a trap door] If he had any thoughts of, eh, calling the police, the piranha fish will put an end to them.

Maxwell Smart:
Hey waiter, what's that?

Room Service Attendant:
Oh, it's a champagne supper for Mr. Royal and his American fianc?e. Poor girl. When he starts operating she'll have as much chance as a draft card at a hippie love-in.

Maxwell Smart:
You mean he's a ladies' man?

Room Service Attendant:
Well let me put it this way: his little black book is in its 24th edition.

Maxwell Smart:
So that's the kind of man he is.

Room Service Attendant:
Yeah, all day, all night. I don't know how he does it. I couldn't pass the physical.

Maxwell Smart:
[having found out Royal is working for KAOS] Well to tell ya the truth I'm a little surprised myself, 99. I knew he was a liar and a cheat but a spy!

Maxwell Smart:
Imagine a Control agent married to a KAOS agent. Who would accept a mixed marriage like that?

Maxwell Smart:
The old bulletproof cummerbund in the tuxedo trick.

99:
Oh Max, you saved me from making a terrible mistake. You're wonderful.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, that's all right, Susan.

99:
It's 99, Max. Susan isn't my real name.

Chief:
[addressing Max, 99 and two more Control agents] Now what I'm about to tell you must not leave this room. It's top security.

Maxwell Smart:
Top security? That calls for the Cone of Silence, Chief.

Chief:
Max, how do you expect to get five people into something that small?

Maxwell Smart:
Thinking like that would have put the Volkswagen people out of business a long time ago.

Maxwell Smart:
Poor Finletter. He's the only man who ever drowned in dirt.

Chief:
[on phone] You mean you're using more than one pseudonym on this case?

Maxwell Smart:
[on other line] That's right, Chief. You see that way if I get a call and I'm not able to answer it, at least I know who to call back.

Chief:
That seems to makes sense and that worries me.

Drunk:
[to Max] Pardon me sir, your vest button is flashing.

Hotel Doctor:
Is this the patient?

Chief:
Yes he is.

Maxwell Smart:
He's been shot.

Hotel Doctor:
I'm a doctor, I'll make the diagnosis.

Chief:
Admiral, what was the President's decision on the ransom?

Admiral Hargrade:
Oh, well, I talked to Herbert about that just a few minutes ago.

Chief:
Herbert? Sir, Herbert Hoover is no longer President.

Admiral Hargrade:
Too bad. I thought he showed a lot of promise.

Admiral Hargrade:
Well exactly how dangerous is this formula?

Maxwell Smart:
Well sir, within 24 hours, it could dry up every lake, river and stream in the United States.

Chief:
We'd be at the mercy of any country that had water.

Maxwell Smart:
Bootlegging would come back. People would start making bathtub water.

Chief:
KAOS knows that either one of us can lead them to Bediyoskin. Now we go back in there and let them overhear that one of us is going to him. KAOS captures the one who goes and the other follows.

Maxwell Smart:
One of us goes, one of us follows.

Chief:
Right.

Maxwell Smart:
And one of us already knows who goes and who follows.

Chief:
You go.

Maxwell Smart:
Now both of us know. [claps hands triumphantly]

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, KAOS has just struck and struck hard. They've dried up Florida's two largest bodies of water: Lake Okeechobee and the swimming pool at the Fountain Blue hotel.

Maxwell Smart:
The old gun in the crutch trick!

Siegfried:
Well, why don't I come back a little later after you've had time to practice.

Chief:
[looking at slide # 4, a deceased Agent 85 aboard the Orient Express] Your conclusion, 86?

Maxwell Smart:
Suicide, Chief.

Chief:
Suicide?

99:
But Max, he was gassed!

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I don't know anything about his drinking habbits 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor.

Chief:
That's his ticket.

99:
[looking at slide # 5, a bond in a bikini] Who is that?

Maxwell Smart:
George Robinson, Kaos agent, Hawaiian branch.

99:
Fabulous disguise.

Maxwell Smart:
I saw through it in only one minute. Would you believe it? One minute.

99:
I find that very difficult to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe... two minutes?

99:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about our fourth date?

The Countess:
[holds up a bottle of wine] Bouchelet, 1957.

Maxwell Smart:
[holds up his paper cup] Dixie cup, 1965.

Ernst:
[having been stabbed in the back] Afraid I'm going to pack it in, old man. [slumps]

Maxwell Smart:
[shakes his shoulder] I say...

Ernst:
[looks up] Hmm?

Maxwell Smart:
Who is Krochanska?

Ernst:
Don't think I'll live long enough to say... pity. [packs it in]

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, I'm sorry about this mess, conductor.

Train Conductor:
It happens all the time on the Orient Express. You think this is bad, you should see compartment 13.

Maxwell Smart:
I had to destroy the first message. Do you have a copy?

Agent 44:
Well you know 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees...

The Countess:
I am the Countess Rifchevsky.

Maxwell Smart:
I am the Maxwell Smart.

Train Conductor:
Passports, please. Passports. We are now entering Liechtenstein. [Smart hands the conductor his passport. The conductor stamps it, and leaves]

Train Conductor:
[seconds later, the conductor returns] Passports, please. Passports. We are now leaving Liechtenstein.

Maxwell Smart:
Krochanska made a try for the briefcase.

99:
Then you know who Krochanska is.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm almost positive, 99.

99:
Who, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
It's somebody on this train.

99:
Yes, but who?

Maxwell Smart:
The countess. Would you believe it? That lovely countess.

99:
I find that very hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
The porter?

99:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
The conductor.

99:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
The engineer.

99:
Uh-uh.

Maxwell Smart:
How about the dog?

99:
Max!

Maxwell Smart:
Well, it's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.

Chief:
Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.

Maxwell Smart:
Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.

99:
Max, it contains a half million dollars.

Maxwell Smart:
He'll love it.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, I remember now, a wrong key in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5000 volts.

Dr. Minelli:
And of course, the noise will bring help running.

Maxwell Smart:
What noise?

Dr. Minelli:
Your screams.

Agent 44:
You know everything costs so much today. Guns and knives are expensive, poison is up, strangling wire is 6.80 a yard.

Agent 99:
We hate to tell you this, Chief, but we've been tailing you for the last week.

Chief:
Why?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, Chief, we didn't wanna do it, but that's the assignment they gave us.

Chief:
Who gave you that assignment?

Maxwell Smart:
The guy who's over you. [pointing downwards]

Chief:
Well if he's over me, why are you pointing down?

Maxwell Smart:
Because his office is downstairs.

Chief:
[99 has been spying on the Chief disguised as a blond pushing a pram] Well, well, if it isn't Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Do you mind if I take a peak at the baby?

Chief:
[uncovers a camera in the pram] Oh, isn't he cute? And Japanese too.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief! What happened, are you alright?

Agent 99:
Where's my mother?

Chief:
I was hit by a blackjack.

Maxwell Smart:
Your mother hit him over the head with a blackjack?

Agent 99:
Max! My mother wouldn't do a thing like that!

Chief:
Her mother wouldn't do a thing like that! You sure it wasn't a gunbutt?

Preminger:
We want ze formula!

99's Mother:
What formula?

Stroheim:
The formula given to you by your husband in Greece.

99's Mother:
Greece? Oh, now I know who you have me mixed up with: Jacqueline Kennedy.

99's Mother:
[99 is untying her mother from a rack] Why are those men fighting with Max?

Agent 99:
Oh, eh, they're from a rival greeting card company.

99's Mother:
I had no idea the competition was so fierce in the greeting card company.

Maxwell Smart:
[password] I lost my dinghy.

Tough Sailor:
I think you're a little dinghy.

Maxwell Smart:
Are you kidding? There's a man that's been murdered lying there on the pinball machine, and you want people to come in here and dance and drink and carry on?

Bartender:
Why not? They do it every night.

Maxwell Smart:
You mean there's a killing here every night?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, not every night. We're closed Mondays. But we have two on Saturday.

Maxwell Smart:
What day is this, Chief?

Chief:
Friday. [Smart blows a sigh of relief]

99:
[on phone at home] Listen, by the way, thank you so much for the baby gift.

Larabee:
[on phone in office] Oh, did the store send it out already?

99:
Yes, and it's absolutely adorable. I'm looking forward to meeting your wife so I can thank her in person.

Larabee:
You could have done that when you got the gift. That was my wife who delivered it.

99:
Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I hope she won't be offended that I tipped her.

Larabee:
Well how much did you give her?

99:
A dollar.

Larabee:
She wasn't offended.

99:
Max, don't you realize what's happening, they're doing it to you too. You're turning old right before my eyes!

Maxwell Smart:
Now let's not panic, 99, just because I came home a little tired and my hair is turning a little gray, doesn't mean that I'm turning old.

Chief:
Good grief, 99 you look... 99.

Chief:
Max, be reasonable. How could a girl drown in a phone booth?

Maxwell Smart:
How do I know? Maybe she couldn't swim.

Maxwell Smart:
Are you a psychologist, Dr. Stueben?

Stueben:
I'm the president of the psychologist society for mental health and adjustment through fulfillment.

Maxwell Smart:
What kind of an organization is that?

Stueben:
We're a hate group.

Maxwell Smart:
A hate group?

Stueben:
Oh, in the sense that we cure hate and fear. We hate hate. Hate it.

Stueben:
I'm going to say a word, and then you respond with the first word that comes into your mind. Are you readdy? [Max nods]

Stueben:
Boy.

Maxwell Smart:
Girl.

Stueben:
Black.

Maxwell Smart:
White.

Stueben:
Win.

Maxwell Smart:
Loose.

Stueben:
Very good.

Maxwell Smart:
Very bad.

Stueben:
Stop!

Maxwell Smart:
Go.

Stueben:
No, no!

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, yes.

Stueben:
[Steuben puts his hands over Max' mouth to shut him up] All right?

Maxwell Smart:
[Steuben releases Max and goes back to sit behind his desk] All wrong.

Dr. Braam:
Now Colonel, this is probably the first time you ever had a psychiatric examination, right?

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong.

Dr. Braam:
Wrong?

Maxwell Smart:
Right.

Dr. Braam:
Right?

Maxwell Smart:
Left.

Dr. Braam:
Please...

Maxwell Smart:
Thank you.

Phoebe:
Why, I almost made a terrible mistake. I met a man who was warm and considerate and because I had a schoolgirl crush on someone else, I almost past him by. But now I know who I really love.

Chief:
You don't mean?

Phoebe:
Yes. Max, can you ever forgive me?

Chief:
Phoebe, I've known Max for a long while and believe me, I'm very... fond of him. But if it comes down to a choice between the two of them, please take Hymie.

Maxwell Smart:
You can't destroy Hymie, Hymie's my friend.

Chief:
Max, this friend just broke through my office door, smashed my desk to pieces, and almost strangled me with his bare hands, how do you explain that?

Maxwell Smart:
I said he was my friend, not yours.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has been ordered to disassemble Hymie] Why I can't do that to Hymie, Chief, Hymie is my friend. Why, he saved my life once. He's like a brother to me.

Chief:
Max, Hymie is a cybernaut.

Maxwell Smart:
What's his religion got to do with it?

Hymie:
The last thing I remember I was in the lab oiling my teeth.

Maxwell Smart:
Oiling your teeth?

Hymie:
I oil my teeth twice a day and see a mechanic every six months. I have a tendency to rust.

Maxwell Smart:
Hymie, where is my cigarette?

Hymie:
I put it in my pocket.

Maxwell Smart:
You put it in your pocket. May I ask why you put it in your pocket?

Hymie:
It was getting the ashtray dirty again.

Maxwell Smart:
Will you stop cleaning, following me around and picking up, you're beginning to get on my nerves.

Hymie:
I'm programmed for neatness.

Maxwell Smart:
Well I'm programmed for sloppiness and that's the way I like it.

Maxwell Smart:
You think that I would resort to deliberate lies, deceit and disobedience?

Chief, Kirsch, Phelps:
Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
Well how about this...

Maxwell Smart:
Phoebe, I want you to forget about Hymie.

Phoebe:
But uncle Max, I think I'm in love with him.

Maxwell Smart:
But Phoebe, you don't know anything about him. You don't know anything about his background and believe me, it's a strange one.

Phoebe:
I wouldn't care if he came from a... junkyard.

Maxwell Smart:
Funny you should put it that way.

Phoebe:
Besides, a man's background is not important, it's what's inside that counts.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you be surprised...

Maxwell Smart:
Look Phoebe, I didn't want to tell you this but it's for your own good [checks if no one is listening] Hymie is a cybernaut.

Phoebe:
Uncle Max, I'm ashamed of you. A person's religion doesn't make any difference.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Kirch, you're talking with a foreign accent.

Kirsch:
I am not. I am speaking perfectly. As spy in Control I had foreign accent.

Larabee:
[keeping tabs on a tail] Chief, the cab is headed for the bus terminal.

Chief:
So far, so good. Now, if we just don't get a bad break.

Larabee:
Smart's covering the bus terminal.

Chief:
That's it.

Larabee:
That's what?

Chief:
The bad break.

Maxwell Smart:
You mean to tell me that all those names you've been giving me for the last hour are names of babies?

Agent 99:
But of course.

Maxwell Smart:
But I thought they were names of streets, I made a map out of them.

Agent 99:
[laughs] How silly.

Maxwell Smart:
Well it may be silly, but it works. According to this map, I can get you to the hospital in less than ten minutes flat!

Maxwell Smart:
[there's a knock on the door] I'll get it, 99.

Agent 99:
Be sure to get the password, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
I will.

[crosses room to get to the door]

Maxwell Smart:
Yes?

Chief:
[behind door] Knock, knock.

Maxwell Smart:
Who's there?

Chief:
Me.

Maxwell Smart:
Me who?

Chief:
Me, the Chief.

Maxwell Smart:
Simon the likeable. Who's he?

Chief:
He's KAOS' most irresistible agent. A man so unassuming, so modest, so sweet and warm that you take one look at him, and you like him.

Waitress:
I get off at three o'clock.

Simon the Likeable:
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm busy this afternoon. Maybe, some other time.

Waitress:
There won't be another time, I'm gonna kill myself.

Simon the Likeable:
Oh, don't do that.

Waitress:
Ok, whatever you say.

Kruger:
It always takes Simon the Likeable a little bit longer to go someplace than the average person.

Finster:
Yeah? And why is that?

Kruger:
Because people stop him to shake his hand, embrace him, kiss him.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has climbed up through a trap door in a closet] 99, you wouldn't believe what they've got up here on the second floor.

Agent 99:
What is it?

Maxwell Smart:
A second floor closet.

Agent 99:
Don't tell me it has a self-locking door?

Maxwell Smart:
It has a self-locking door.

Agent 99:
[mimicking Max] I asked you not to tell me that.

99's Mother:
Nice to see you again, Mr. Clark.

Chief:
Thank you. This is Mr. Larabee, he's a buyer from out-of-town.

99's Mother:
Oh really, what town?

Larabee:
I don't know, yet.

Chief:
[about Simon the Likeable] That man is the most ruthless, cunning, evil and treacherous KAOS agent in the entire world. And a heck of a nice guy.

Chief:
[about to place Simon the Likeable under arrest] Sir, it is my duty to inform you that...

Simon the Likeable:
[oozing with charm & likeability] Yes?

Chief:
[holds up his wallet] Eh, do you have a picture of yourself that would fit in this wallet?

Internship Doctor:
[witnessing a big fight in the hospital lobby] You know, I don't think I'll complete my full internship in this hospital. Not if they make you go down to the lobby and get your own patients.

Chief:
[on phone in his office] 99 is in her bed?

Maxwell Smart:
[on phone in bedroom] Well of course she's in her bed, where do you think she sleeps, in the closet?

Larabee:
Listen, Max, the twins can stay at our place for a few days. My wife would love taking care of them, and they'd have a lot of fun playing in the sand.

Maxwell Smart:
You have a place at the beach, Larabee?

Larabee:
No, but we have a very sandy apartment.

Maxwell Smart:
[thinks for a moment] Thanks just the same, Larabee.

[starts dialing]

Larabee:
Any time, Max.

[starts to leave]

Chief:
Hold it, Larabee.

Larabee:
Yeah, Chief?

Chief:
You're not gonna get away with that one that easily.

Larabee:
Which one?

Chief:
Explain it to me, how you have a very sandy apartment.

Larabee:
Oh, well, there's nothing to explain, Chief, we can't get the sand out because our vacuum cleaner's broken.

Chief:
Larabee, if you don't live at the beach, how can you have all that sand in your apartment?

Larabee:
Oh, well, we've been talking about moving to the beach and we wanted to see if we'd like it.

Chief:
Thank you, Larabee.

Chief:
Max, are you sure you and Larabee aren't related?

Maxwell Smart:
You know, a lot of people have asked me that lately, Chief.

Chief:
[Max is constantly falling down] Max, I think you're coming down with something.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, if I am, Chief, I'm coming down with it a lot.

Chief:
Larabee, you're to go Melnick's furniture warehouse...

Larabee:
Now?

Chief:
Of course now.

Larabee:
But the sale doesn't start until tomorrow morning.

Chief:
Larrabee, I don't have time to argue, just go to the warehouse and arrest Melnick Archer.

Larabee:
Right, Chief.

Chief:
You're also to arrest a man named Marcus.

Larabee:
Marcus? How will I know him?

Chief:
You'll know him, he'll be the man who'll start shooting at you when you arrest Melnick Archer.

Larabee:
Oh. Is he a good shot?

Chief:
I hope so.

Chief:
I'm going to telephone Max and tell him to wake that woman and kiss her.

Agent 99:
What?

Chief:
99, no two women kiss alike. The second Max kisses her he'll know it's not you.

Agent 99:
Chief, that's a terrible idea!

Chief:
Why?

Agent 99:
What if she's better.

Chief:
Max! Are you sure you're alright? I mean you've fallen down twice in less that a minute. Even for you that's a lot.

Chief:
Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've ever gone on. You probably won't get back alive.

Maxwell Smart:
If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time. I don't know the meaning of the word fear.

Chief:
You'll have to parachute from six thousand feet.

Maxwell Smart:
I think I just learned it.

Mr. Natz:
That is why we have come to you. Probably the most accomplished evil genius in America.

Dr. Ratton:
In the world.

Chief of Control:
[to 86] I want you to use your watch-phone tonight. I don't want you taking off your shoe at the party.

Mr. Natz:
A genius killer. What do you call him?

Dr. Ratton:
Hymie.

Mr. Natz:
Hymie?

Dr. Ratton:
I made him, I call him what I want.

Mr. Natz:
But Hymie?

Dr. Ratton:
My father's name was Hymie.

Mr. Natz:
Okay, call him what you want.

Dr. Ratton:
[about Hymie] There's only one thing he isn't able to do.

Mr. Natz:
What's that?

Dr. Ratton:
Set up a lawn chair.

Hymie:
[sign] The blue sun melts the red snow.

Maxwell Smart:
[countersign] And the purple water runs up hill.

Hymie:
Agent Smart?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. You must be 91.

Hymie:
My name is Hymie.

Maxwell Smart:
Hymie?

Hymie:
My father's name was Hymie.

Agent 44:
[breaks down and cries] It isn't fair, I'm a good agent. I haven't been able to wear my tuxedo once. Not once! And who'd see it in a clock?

Maxwell Smart:
Natz! So you're being this!

Mr. Natz:
I've been waiting for this for a long time, Smart. I never got a chance to show you how grateful I am for those ten long years I spend in prison.

Maxwell Smart:
You call this gratitude?

Agent 99:
It's just that sometimes I wish you were just an ordinary businessman.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, 99, we are what we are. I'm a secret agent, trained to be cold, vicious, and savage. Not enough to be a businessman.

Maxwell Smart:
Boy, time really does fly. Do you realize, 99, that agent 54 will be 36 today? My gosh, it seems like only yesterday that 54 was 35.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe that this painting has been compared to the works of Henri Matisse?

Van Cleff:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe Michelangelo?

Maxwell Smart:
[Van Cleft does not reply] How 'bout Charlton Heston?

Maxwell Smart:
I'll catch the thief who stole those paintings, or die in the attempt.

Van Cleff:
Can you do... both?

Maxwell Smart:
I've got to get out of here. I've got a appointment in the restoring room.

Agent 13:
You're not seeing my little Dutch girl, are ya?

Maxwell Smart:
Don't be ridiculous, of course not. My date is with Bronzefinger.

Bronzefinger:
No, Mr Smart, it was none of them You see, I am... [takes of his glove to reveal a bronze thumb]

Maxwell Smart:
Bronzethumb!

Bronzefinger:
Bronzefinger! A thumb is also a finger.

Bronzefinger:
[86 and 99 are about to be bronzed] Goodbye, Mr. Smart. I'll be back in 3 minutes after it's all over. You see I cannot bare to hear a woman crying.

Maxwell Smart:
How do you feel about a man screaming?

Airport Policeman:
Pardon, monsieur, are you perhaps an American tourist?

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Tremendous guess!

Airport Policeman:
Well, you are dressed a little strangely. After all, the eh, temperature here is 101 degrees.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Oh really? Well I find it quite chilly.

Airport Policeman:
I find that hard to believe, monsieur.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Would you believe comfortably cool?

Airport Policeman:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
How do the words "heat prostration" grab ya?

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
What am I going to get in your dressing room that I can't get here?

Agent 99:
Me.

Maxwell Smart:
13, what did you see?

Agent 13:
[hiding in a locker chewing a sandwich and drinking milk] Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.

Maxwell Smart:
A man has just been murdered, doesn't that mean anything to you?

Agent 13:
Not from twelve to one.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, 13, if you don't straigten up and fly right, I'm gonna see to it that on your next assignment you're put inside of an incenerator.

Bubinski:
[Bubinsky the cabbie accuses Max of being the Choker] He's got killer's eyes!

Maxwell Smart:
I have not!

Chief:
That will be all, Mr. Bubinsky.

Bubinski:
Sure you don't wanna cab?

Chief:
No.

Bubinski:
How 'bout you, killer? [Max raises his fist]

Maxwell Smart:
Well if there's anything I don't need at this time Chief, it's a restfit. I personaly want to avenge the death of my very good and dear friend doctor... whathisname.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has been forced to take a vacation] Ok Chief, Ok. But just remember this: you'll be left all alone without my experience and know-how. You'll be making hundreds of decisions without my advice.

Chief:
And loving it.

Maxwell Smart:
What are you, some kind of a nut that likes to see people die?

Mr. Hercules:
Yes, it's such a marvelous contrast to my own splendid health.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, how about a little of that wine I promised you? I had it imported. From Napa Valley, California.

Janet:
Lips that touch wine will never touch mine.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well that might make drinking this a little difficult [puts away bottle]

Janet:
Mr. Smart, you are so handsome, so sophisticate. Je t'adore.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, is it open?

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a showgirl in a skimpy outfit] That's Dr. Steel?

Chief:
Yes. The chorus line is her cover.

Maxwell Smart:
Not much of a cover, is it?

Chief:
Max!

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm not dead yet, Chief.

Dr. Steel:
One must not hurry the process of scientific research, Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
Well would one remember that one is going to die at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon and I'm the one who's the one?

Maxwell Smart:
There's nothing that can be done. At one o'clock Maxwell Smart will be dead. Only his legend will live on.

Busby:
[having just learned 86 and 99 are engaged] How long have known her, 86?

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I've known 99 since she was 24.

Busby:
I thought Huffacker was 24?

Senator:
Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Senator:
Who's the number one man in your organization?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Senator:
How many cases were assigned to Control last year?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Senator:
What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?

Maxwell Smart:
They can't fire me.

Senator:
And why not?

Maxwell Smart:
I know too much.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max's car has just been repossessed] Oh, one thing: be careful of the machine gun in the exhaust pipe. It's been backfiring lately.

Finance Man:
Machine gun in the exhaust pipe, right.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, another thing: don't remove the radiator cap. It sprays a poisonous gas.

Finance Man:
Poisonous gas from radiator. Right.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, one last thing: don't use the cigarette lighter. It's a hand grenade.

Finance Man:
Lighter is a hand grenade. Right... you've got a dangerous car there.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know why you say that, it's got seatbelts.

Chief:
Larabee?

Larabee:
Yes sir?

Chief:
I want an appointment with Senator Palmer. Call him.

Larabee:
On what? they took my phone away too.

Chief:
Well don't just stand there, call him from the candy store on the corner.

Larabee:
Yes sir. [turns to go, then changes his mind] Chief, you got a dime on you?

Maxwell Smart:
[disguised as an old man] All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?

Siegfried:
[disguised as an old lady] Schmart, KAOS is a growing organisation. And you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know, Siegfried, I've heard there not all as rotten as the pretend to be.

Siegfried:
Not as rotten? Are you kidding? They are all former grease masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians.

Siegfried:
What are you doing here? You should be studying for tomorrow's exam.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes of course. Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight.

Siegfried:
Excellent! All ze world loves a cheat. Forget the exam, you just passed it.

Maxwell Smart:
One shot from that pistol, and the cops will come rolling in here like oranges.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, 99. After all, Mr. Gaffer is still one of the best. He's my idol. Did you know that Mr. Gaffer once captured 10 killers armed with machine guns? Would you believe it? 10 killers with machine guns!

Agent 99:
I find that very hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 4 killers with knives?

Agent 99:
I don't think so.

Herb Gaffer:
How about a mean little kid with a pea shooter?

Herbert Gaffer:
[glad to see the pigeon Smart is carrying in a cage] Aha, I see you've reached Control headquarters.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, but it's been a long time since we received a message by carrier pigeon.

Herbert Gaffer:
Well, we're a little old fashioned here in Spy City, after all, this is a retirement home for secret agents.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. Is this pigeon also retired?

Herbert Gaffer:
Not yet!

Maxwell Smart:
Well he should be, he couldn't find his way back here.

Chief:
[having just been drenched by a passing car] I'm gonna murder Schleppenheimer for inventing this Hydrant-phone.

Chief:
[on fire hydrant-phone] Max, this could be the work of the League of Bald Headed Men, that's KAOS' smuggling unit. They're clever and ingenious. There's nothing they can't accomplish.

Maxwell Smart:
[on steering wheel-phone] How come they can't grow hair?

Chief:
Max, they don't wanna grow hair, that's their trademark. That's how they identify each other.

Maxwell Smart:
Alright, Chief, I'll keep my eyes open. In the meantime, you pick up Yul Brynner and Dean Rusk.

Jeweler:
Can I help you?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, I'm looking for a diamond engagement ring for my fianc?e. Money is no object.

Jeweler:
Eh, what price did you have in mind?

Maxwell Smart:
80 dollars.

Maxwell Smart:
You keep soap in your pocketbock?

Agent 99:
Well, it looks like soap and it feels like soap but actually it's a camouflage for a secret carrying case.

Maxwell Smart:
Well what do you keep in the carrying case?

Agent 99:
Soap.

Maxwell Smart:
It's Spiegel's jewelry store, right around the corner of Spiegel's drugstore, next to Spiegel's delicatessen, where Spiegel's cleaners used to be.

Agent 99:
And where is that?

Maxwell Smart:
Fourth and Spiegel.

Agent 99:
How are you,8 ??

Agent 8 ?:
[hiding in a bowling ball return] How am I? Terrible! I keep forgetting to duck every time the ball is returning. I've got a bump on the back of my head the size of a bowling ball. Wait a minute, that is a bowling ball [ducks, letting the bowling ball slide over him]

Chief:
Absolutely brilliant!

Maxwell Smart:
Thank you Chief.

Chief:
Oh, not you, Max, I mean the way they smuggled the diamonds.

KAOS Agent:
I'm a sportsman. I'll let you pick the way you wanna die.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Ok, eh, how about old age?

[repeated line]

The Claw:
Not The Craw! The Craw!

The Claw:
Very amusing, Mr. Smart. I suppose you can guess what they call me?

[holds up right arm, with a large horseshoe magnet for a hand]

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Lefty?

The Claw:
No, Mr. Smart. I am employed by KAOS. The international organization of evil. My name is The Claw!

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
The Craw?

The Claw:
No, not The Craw, The Claw!

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Ah yes, The Craw.

Maxwell Smart:
[speaking into his shoe phone] Well, if you can't give me today's password, I'll accept the countersign or today's secret code number. My life may depend on it.

Chief of Control:
[on the other line] Get in here, Max, or I'll personally tear you apart!

Maxwell Smart:
That's good enough for me Chief, I'll be right over.

Chief of Control:
Turn in your shoes, Max. I think the wrist communicator will be more effective.

Maxwell Smart:
Gee whizz, Chief, I still have 16 message units left this month.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, where would you like to go?

Princess Ingrid:
Your place...

Maxwell Smart:
My place. Well, there's no real historical, er, significance to my place.

Princess Ingrid:
Hmmm. there could be...

Maxwell Smart:
The old picture in the keyhole trick. That's twice this month!

The Claw:
Actually, the only girl we want is Princess Ingrid.

Maxwell Smart:
Then why did you abduct the others?

The Claw:
Unfortunately, Mr. Smart, all Americans look alike to us. We may be diabolical, but we are not perfect.

The Claw:
Have you ever heard of the Chinese bamboo stalks under the finger nails torture?

Maxwell Smart:
No, sounds pretty good, how does it work?

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong pill. I think I've just poisoned the room.

Chief of Control:
[99 has made sure Max does not accompany the Princess back home] You wrote that report, didn't you?

Agent 99:
Em... yes sir. I, em, I just wanted to safe Max from embarrassment. He gets seasick.

Chief of Control:
In a plane?

Agent 99:
If it flies over water...

Chief of Control:
Come in, 86. I've got a new assignment for you.

Maxwell Smart:
Right, Chief.

Chief of Control:
It's a kidnapping case.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, good. Who do you want me to kidnap?

Chief of Control:
I've written the location of your contacts on this piece of paper. Be sure to destroy it.

Maxwell Smart:
Right, Chief.

[Max takes the piece of paper and immediately burns it]

Chief of Control:
No, no, no, Max! First memorize it, then destroy it!

Carleton:
We've developed a new pair of shoes in the lab, 86. Notice the steel-enforced toes for kicking? And inside the heels, there are secret compartments containing our latest emergency pellets.

Maxwell Smart:
Can I see it in a 10?

Chief of Control:
Show him the pellets, Carleton.

Carleton:
In the left heel compartment, there are two pellets. The smaller one is a concussion pellet. Now, if it's thrown up against something or activated by heat, it will blow a 10x15 foot room to smithereens.

Chief of Control:
Now, Max, do you know what this larger pill is for?

Maxwell Smart:
Larger rooms.

Chief of Control:
[rolls his eyes] Max, KAOS does have ways of making a man talk. If you are captured and if it looks really tough, this may be your one ace in the hole. This pill, when swallowed, will bring painless death in about twenty seconds. Are there any questions?

Maxwell Smart:
How do I get them to take it?

Chief of Control:
Let's get on to the next pellet.

Carleton:
This... this pellet contains a very volatile liquid. When activated, it produces a thick protective smoke screen.

Chief of Control:
Now, I'm assigning Agent 99 to accompany you on this one, Max. The princess has a reputation of being a little bit wild, and I think it'll take both of you to watch her and keep her out of trouble.

Maxwell Smart:
[putting on the new shoes] Yes, well, I'm raring to go, Chief, just as soon as I get this shoe on.

[Max stands up and stomps his foot; smoke emanates from his shoe]

Maxwell Smart:
Actually, Chief, I don't think I'll be needing the smoke pellet.

Chief:
The most obvious place for a book is in a library. And sometimes, the most obvious place is the safest.

Maxwell Smart:
You know, you may have something there, Chief. Agent Dunlap had the same theory. He once came into possession of a very important piece of microfilm. You know where he hid it?

Chief:
Where?

Maxwell Smart:
Right on top of his desk in his living room. Right out there in the open where everybody could see it.

Chief:
And the microfilm was safe?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, it would have been if they hadn't stolen the desk.

Chief:
I'm sorry I'm late, but I had an automobile accident right in front of the building. That idiot smashed in the whole front end of my car.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, don't worry about it, Chief, you're not the only one who's late, Larabee isn't here either.

Chief:
Who do you think smashed in the front end of my car?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, Chief, everything went off perfectly without a hitch. We left Control, got into the armoured truck, went through a carwash three times, in case anyone was following us.

Larabee:
The truck was dirty anyway, Chief.

Maxwell Smart:
And here we are.

Larabee:
With a clean truck!

Chief:
Ok, ok, let me see it.

Larabee:
It's parked out in front.

Chief:
Larrabee, you're wasting your time. That door is a foot thick and it's constructed of iron and laminated steel. You'll never open it with a quarter.

Larabee:
How 'bout two dimes and a nickel?

Maxwell Smart:
Chief! I send Larabee in to get the book and they locked the safe on him.

Chief:
Come on, Max. Let's go.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, what are you talking about? Larabee is locked in and nobody knows about it except you and me.

Chief:
Shh. Come on.

Chief:
Where's Max?

Larabee:
He's trying to get into the house through the back way.

Chief:
That's very heroic of him.

Larabee:
Not really, Chief, he had to go to the bathroom.

Larabee:
How about that, one crutch is shorter than the other.

Maxwell Smart:
You're telling me. When I walk, I limp. With a limp!

Chief:
If KAOS gets their hands on any more of those blueprints, Max, they'll have the capability of polluting the air over every major city in the United States.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I don't wanna worry you, Chief, but I think they already have that.

Maxwell Smart:
99, I've been watching that window all day through my binoculars and I'm telling you that there was a little short guy in there with Greer and Miss Parker.

Agent 99:
Well maybe you were looking in the wrong window?

Maxwell Smart:
With Miss Parker in there, are you kidding?

Chief:
[puts phone on hook] Why doesn't he answer?

Larabee:
Maybe he went out for a walk?

Chief:
No, he's under doctor's orders not to leave the apartment.

Larabee:
Maybe he's taking a nap?

Chief:
No, a let the phone ring often enough to wake him. Something must have happened...

Larabee:
Maybe something happened to 'em?

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at Sunflowers by Van Gogh] What would you say that is worth, 99?

Agent 99:
Oh, a lot, Max, that's a Van Gogh.

Maxwell Smart:
Isn't he the guy that cut off his own ear?

Agent 99:
Right. He send it to his girlfriend. He must really have loved her a lot.

Maxwell Smart:
Either that or he hated his ear.

Chief:
I know this is going to come as a shock, but that painting, and every painting in this museum, belongs to the man they work for.

Agent 99:
But Chief, everything in this museum belongs to the United States.

Chief:
That's the trouble, 99. The man they work for owns the United States.

Maxwell Smart:
Columbus, I'm Smart.

Gino Columbus:
Ok, how much is-a two and two?

Maxwell Smart:
[thinks for a moment] Four.

Gino Columbus:
[chuckles] He's smart all right!

Upper Gemini:
Don't take another step. We are KAOS agents Gemini.

Maxwell Smart:
What do you want?

Upper Gemini:
Information. Tell us what we wanna know, or you die.

Maxwell Smart:
You're wasting your time. Besides, do you know who this man is? This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.

Upper Gemini:
That's what we wanted to know.

Victor Borgia:
My name is Borgia.

Maxwell Smart:
Borgia! Of course! You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets.

Victor Borgia:
No Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
23 parakeets and a pair of people?

Victor Borgia:
I am Borgia of KAOS.

Maxwell Smart:
Ok, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird.

Gino Columbus:
I tell you what I'm gonna do. If you let me go, I'm gonna give you a nice present. I give you Pittsburgh.

Victor Borgia:
We don't want Pittsburgh.

Maxwell Smart:
That's funny. Neither does Pennsylvania.

Gino Columbus:
Mama mia, what's he got in his pocket, a printing-a press?

Maxwell Smart:
Must be a duplicating machine, the copies are getting lighter.

Maxwell Smart:
You'll never get away with it, Chief, I don't look like Columbus, I don't even speak Italian.

Larabee:
Besides, Chief, at Control training school Max flunked torture three years in a row.

Victor Borgia:
I sympathize with you. I too require constant stoking of the human furnace to function properly.

Victor Borgia:
Where's the pen?

Upper Gemini:
He must have ate it.

The Contessa:
I feel so safe with you protecting me, Mr. Smart.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Well, I don't like to boast, but of all the hundreds of people that I've guarded, I've only lost three.

[the Contessa opens her make-up compact and is immediately killed by a burst of poison gas]

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Would you believe four?

Maxwell Smart:
Killed by an exploding birthday cake. 99, there's something funny going on around here.

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
We don't use old song titles as passwords anymore.

Maxwell Smart:
You don't? What do you use?

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
Lyrics from Beatles tunes.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, at least we know one thing, it's pretty obvious.

Agent 99:
What's that, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, the man with the scar is definitely a candle maker.

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
No, he's a pick-pocket.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. A pick-pocket who's a candlemaker on the side?

Maxwell Smart:
[the inspector does not answer] A pick-pocket who doesn't believe in electricity?

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
Mr Smart, I think you'll find you can't get more than a cup of tea into a cup of tea.

Maxwell Smart:
Well then you must be Ravel Roualle, eh, Roual Rall, Ruwoll... You must be the genius responsible for all this?

Duval:
I am the genius, yes, but my name is Raoul Duval.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, what did I say?

Duval:
I do not dare attempt it, monsieur, it could destroy my speech pattern for months.

Duval:
Go and kill.

Duval:
[shouting as the wax Wolfman leaves] And don't come home late! You know how I worry.

Maxwell Smart:
There's no doubt about it, 99, Professor Duval is our man.

Agent 99:
But how can you be so sure, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, it's really quite simple: instinct, logic and a lack of suspects.

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
First Jack the Ripper who terrorized London at the turn of the century and now the Werewolf. Who'll be next to drive the women of England wild?

Maxwell Smart:
Engelbert Humperdinck?

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
[to Max] Sorry about that.

Chief Inspector Sparrow:
What are you doing?

Maxwell Smart:
[checking the pockets of Hitler's uniform] I'm looking for Eva Braun's phone number.

Duval:
When will I learn never to pick up a strange table cloth?

W.C. Fields:
I don't know of you're aware, my boy, but you're being pursued. The entrepreneur of this establishment, a French fried potato enthusiast desires your immediate demise.

Maxwell Smart:
Huh?

Maxwell Smart:
Look at this, 99.

Agent 99:
Did you find the fuel?

Maxwell Smart:
No, I found a salami.

Ambassador:
[toasting] To my faithful valet and trusted friend. May you be happy for the rest of your life.

Waterhouse:
Thank you, sir.

[Waterhouse downs his glass of wine, but The Ambassador only sniffs his]

Ambassador:
And as for you, widow Waterhouse.

Mrs. Waterhouse:
But, sir, I am not a widow.

[her husband chokes and falls down]

Larabee:
We've intercepted a message from the Bulmanian Embassy.

Chief:
[stands up] Good work, Larabee, where is it?

Larabee:
I swallowed it.

Chief:
You what?

Larabee:
I had to, I was being followed. But I read it before I swallowed it, Chief.

Chief:
Good. What did it say?

Larabee:
I don't know, it was in code.

Chief:
And you didn't understand it?

Larabee:
I could understood part of it, Chief, the part that was written in English.

Chief:
And what did that say?

Larabee:
Swallow this, if you're being followed.

Ambassador:
Maxwell, in Bulmania we measure the worth of a man by how well he holds his wine. [passes out]

Maxwell Smart:
[surprised by the Ambassador's appearance] You're sober!

Ambassador:
[pointing a gun at Max & 99] Cold sober.

Maxwell Smart:
But I don't understand, that can't be. You drank 21 bottles of wine, how can you still be standing up?

Ambassador:
I have to stand up. If I lie down, I get deathly ill.

Badeff:
You like that, Mr. Wilcox? Are you certain you're a music lover?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, of course I am. Why, do you know that I once listened to 3 straight weeks of Beethoven? Would you believe it? 3 weeks of Beethoven!

Badeff:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 2 weeks of Bach?

Badeff:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about an hour of Looney Tunes?

Maxwell Smart:
I may never get to play with the Philharmonic, but on the other hand...

Chief:
Yes?

Maxwell Smart:
Is Leonard Bernstein licensed to kill?

Maxwell Smart:
Is Rudolph Hubert a regular Control agent who became a concert violinist, or is it the other way around?

Chief of Control:
No, he's always been a control agent but his talent as a violinist has given him a perfect cover. And it gives him access to places where our other agents couldn't get in.

Maxwell Smart:
Gee, that's the glamorous end of the business, Chief. Too bad I flunked out of spy music school.

Wolenska:
Don't touch my hands! They belong to the world... If you must touch me, don't ever touch me below the elbow!

Agent 44:
[Agent 44 is stationed upside down in a cello case] Hey 86, you know, I'm getting tired of these assignments. The blood's been rushing to my head all day. I had an awful time digesting my dinner.

Maxwell Smart:
Anything I can do for ya?

Agent 44:
Just one thing. Could you pick up the loose change from the bottom of the case? It keeps falling out of my pockets.

Chief of Control:
Now, here is my plan. And I'm glad we're not in my office or you'd insist on our using the Cone of Silence.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I've already taken measures for that, Chief. I brought along the portable Cone of Silence, it was in my car.

Agent 99:
[Agent 44 is still stuck in a cello case] Hello 44.

Agent 44:
Hello 66.

Agent 99:
66? I'm 99.

Agent 44:
Well I'm upside down.

Chief of Control:
At last we've broken the cultural arm of KAOS.

Agent 99:
This is going to be a real blow to evil music lovers everywhere.

Victor Polo:
The irony of this is exhilerating. Whoever would have thought we'd run into a situation like this. A Control agent will be delivering KAOS information tonight.

Maxwell Smart:
[on phone] Well, look for me in the third act. That's where I do my big scene. I get killed.

Chief:
I'll be looking forward to it.

Victor Polo:
Who?

Maxwell Smart:
Laurence Hollywood. You're probably more familiar with my father, who was one of the greatest actors the world,

[louder]

Maxwell Smart:
*the world* has ever known.

Victor Polo:
I don't think so, what was his name?

Maxwell Smart:
Huh?

Victor Polo:
What was his name?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, Jason Hollywood.

Victor Polo:
Never heard of him.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well, you probably remember my mother.

Carl Shirtsinger:
What was her name?

Maxwell Smart:
Leonora Vine. I'm sure you're more familiar with the work they did as a team.

Victor Polo:
I'm sorry, we've never heard of either one of them.

Maxwell Smart:
You've never heard of Hollywood and Vine?

#99:
[reading the part of Lady Fanny] I wish I could do something with my hair.

Maxwell Smart:
[reading the part of the butler] I beg your pardon, smiles and bows.

Chief:
It's KAOS confetti. This is how they contacted their agents.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't understand.

Chief:
Well, whenever KAOS wanted to contact their agents in a different city, they'd hold a parade. Now the agents would pick up the confetti from the street and the color of the confetti determined their instructions.

Chief:
How?

Chief:
Green confetti meant that they were supposed to go ahead with the proposed plan. Red confetti meant stop instantly.

Maxwell Smart:
Well that's fantastic, Chief. How did you ever find that out?

Chief:
Well, they also used white confetti. That meant 'Danger, leave the country immediately'. Fortunately for us during their last parade it snowed.

Maxwell Smart:
And they all left the country?

Chief:
No, they all went to Miami.

The Whip:
Old Chinese saying: punishment is companion of failiure.

The Whip:
[whips Abe Fu Yung four times] That's enough. Be glad I'm in a happy mood today.

Chief:
[opens violin case] This is the Narco 5-12...

Maxwell Smart:
I recognized it immediately.

Chief:
...A weapon so new that no one has ever seen it before.

Chief:
We're all familiar with the shock wave of a sonic boom, which occurs when an aircraft breaks the sound barrier. Now if you take that energy and amplify it ten thousand times, and confine it in a small area, can you imagine the results you'd get?

Maxwell Smart:
A rock & roll festival?

Chief:
It's not quite that bad, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
You don't suppose for one single moment that I'd allow these precious hands...

Maxwell Smart:
[kisses 99's hand]... to wash dishes?

Agent 99:
[Larabee walks in on Max & 99 kissing passionately] Yes, Larabee?

Larabee:
Huh?

Agent 99:
What did you want?

Larabee:
I forgot.

Agent 99:
Goodbye, Larabee.

Larabee:
Can I watch while I'm trying to remember?

Agent 99, Maxwell Smart:
Get out, Larabee.

Maxwell Smart:
What do you mean, 'that's Max al right', that couldn't possibly be me. I didn't steal the Farco 9-12.

Chief:
It's not the Farco 9-12, it's the Marco 5-12.

Agent 99:
Max! To forget that you've robbed a safe is one thing, but to forget that you've kissed your wife... I don't think that's very nice.

The Whip:
See, like I told you. Gun is like wife's brother: do not work.

The Whip:
You make a mistake, Mr. Smart. You bring the wrong cassette.

Maxwell Smart:
[takes out another cassette] Eh, would you like to try Glen Campbell?

Larabee:
[having hypnotized the Chief] Well, I want a raise, a few weeks off, a new car... and I think I would like your office. Yes, yes, I'd like that. You can take mine. And I want the location and the key to the secret executive wash-room. I'd like that. I'd love that. And...

Agent 99:
Do you think that's our contact over there?

Maxwell Smart:
We'll know in a minute, 99, I'll give 'em the password.

Maxwell Smart:
[walks up to golfer] Hi there!

Fargo:
Hello.

Maxwell Smart:
He's our man. I'm 86, she's 99.

Fargo:
Say, you two have some handicaps!

Maxwell Smart:
No, we're the Control agents that you asked to see. Aren't you Fred Fargo?

Fargo:
No, I'm Frank Fargo.

Maxwell Smart:
Frank Fargo? But we were supposed to meet Fred Fargo.

Fargo:
Fred Fargo is my sister in law Frieda's father. Furthermore, he flew to Frankfurt, Friday.

Maxwell Smart:
What are you doing?

Dr. Simon:
Exorcising. I've gotta keep in shape. You know what they say: a healthy body makes a healthy mind.

Maxwell Smart:
You must have some mind.

Maxwell Smart:
99, how can you worry about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that missile center is gonna blow up. And not only do we not know how it's going to be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it.

Agent 99:
We know when.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, knowing when isn't gonna tell us who or how. I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how.

Agent 99:
Why?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... Why. Yeah, a good question, 99. Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it, and then that will give us our who, our how, and our when.

Agent 99:
That makes sense.

Maxwell Smart:
I know it, 99, that's what worries me.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course! The old mortar in the rocks in the 14th hole trick.

Agent 99:
[during golf cart chase] Faster, Max, faster!

Maxwell Smart:
I can't go any faster, 99, I got it up to 8 miles an hour now!

Maxwell Smart:
There's one thing you've overlooked.

Beastmaster:
Oh?

Maxwell Smart:
You see, you can't leave us alone in this room.

Beastmaster:
And why not?

Maxwell Smart:
Because, as soon as you're gone, by the use of sheer brute strength, I shall be able to rip these chains from the wall in one minute! Would you believe it? 1 minute!

Beastmaster:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe two minutes?

Beastmaster:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a week from Tuesday?

Maxwell Smart:
Gee, I wish there was some way we could get Fang back on active duty.

Agent 99:
So do I, I know he's bored with that desk job Control gave him.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well I don't blame him. How would you like to sit around checking evidence and then burying it?

Maxwell Smart:
99, you see that bee up there?

Agent 99:
Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
You see any Control markings on it?

Agent 99:
Not from here Max, why?

Maxwell Smart:
I've got a feeling he's not one of ours.

Beastmaster:
Welcome Maxwell Smart. You are no match for the brilliance of KAOS. You have fallen into our very clever trap.

Chief of Control:
[Max' rubber duck gun goes off in the Chief's hand] Just like Max. If I told him once, I've told him a thousand times: Max, never leave your duck loaded.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max is giving Fang orders in German] Fang, hitten the decken!

Chief:
[on public phone] General, this is the Chief of Control. I'm in Miami and I won't be able to get out because we're under twelve feet of snow.

General Christian:
[on other line] Oh, that's bad.

Maxwell Smart:
Let me talk to him, Chief. [grabs phone] Hello General, this is Maxwell Smart. I'm stuck down here too.

General Christian:
But that's good.

Agent 99:
Are we alone on this assignment?

General Christian:
Oh no, 99, every nation in the world is joining forces in order to do what must be done to stop this madman. Russia is standing by with nuclear submarines.

Colonel Quinton:
Great Britain has offered us air cover.

Admiral Crichton:
South America has offered the knowledge of it's top German scientists.

Colonel Quinton:
And Israel is making sandwiches for the trip.

Agent Quigley:
Say, eh, how do you stand all that heat in there?

Agent 44:
[stationed inside a burning stove] I'm wearing Bermuda shorts.

Agent 99:
What are our instructions?

Agent 44:
[stationed inside a burning stove] You're to go to the bar, and order a beer. Then bring it back here, and I'll give you further instructions.

Agent Quigley:
[password] When I'm calling you...

Siegfried:
[countersign] Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh

Siegfried:
Look Smart, if you had to pick a disguise, why did you have to pick such a dopey looking one?

Agent Quigley:
I'm not Smart from Control.

Siegfried:
Then who are you?

Agent Quigley:
I'm Dopey fr- I'm Quigley from Intelligence.

Starker:
We're not going to kill them?

Siegfried:
Mother Nature will do it for us.

Starker:
Hm?

Siegfried:
We will slip away during the night...

Starker:
Und when they wake up tomorrow morning...

Siegfried:
They'll be dead.

Siegfried:
Clean out the table.

Starker:
What do I do with the bones?

Siegfried:
Do what you always do. Bring in one of the dogs from the sled, de-frost him, feed him, then freeze him up again.

Marco:
KAOS has just been aquired by I.H. Industries.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, I.H. Industries. Who's I.H. Industries?

Marco:
They're a very big conglomerate. They already own steel companies, airlines, oil companies and a chain of pizza parlors.

Maxwell Smart:
With all that capitol behind them, there'll be no stopping KAOS.

Chief:
KAOS broke in here and ransacked my office.

Maxwell Smart:
But I don't understand, Chief. KAOS has never been able to penetrate Control headquarters before.

Chief:
That'll give you some idea of what we're up against now. This man who took over KAOS is cunning, diabolical, ingenious.

Maxwell Smart:
But there's one thing he's not.

Chief:
What's that?

Maxwell Smart:
Neat.

Maxwell Smart:
What do you suppose KAOS was after, Chief?

Chief:
I know perfectly well what they were after, what they've been after for several months now: the plans for the A.A.A.M.M.

Maxwell Smart:
You're stammering, Chief.

Chief:
I don't stammer!

Maxwell Smart:
You always stammer when you get upset.

Chief:
I'm not upset, when I said A.A.A.M.M., I meant the Anti-Anti-Anti-Missile Missile.

Maxwell Smart:
See what I mean?

Chief:
Now Max, you and 99 are to contact agent 44 at this adress: the Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar.

Maxwell Smart:
Is that Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar?

Chief:
No, no, no, Barbie's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar is on Balboa Boulevard. You're to go to Bunny Beebe's Bye-Bye Baby Buggy Bargain Bazaar on Barnaby Boulevard.

Agent 44:
[in baby carriage] Hello 86.

Maxwell Smart:
Is that you, 44?

Agent 44:
No, it's Spiro Agnew. Of course it's me. Who else would get a job like this?

Maxwell Smart:
Spiro Agnew?

Chief:
[Larabee has a bowling ball on his hand] What's that on your hand, Larabee?

Larabee:
I bought it at lunch, it got stuck on my fingers.

Chief:
Why don't you get some oil to get it off?

Larabee:
There's no point in doing that Chief, tonight's my bowling night.

Chief:
[Larabee has destroyed a phone with the bowlingball stuck to his hand] Larabee, you smashed the hot-line, how am I going to get the President?

Larabee:
I'll get him for ya, Chief.

[walks over to wall, pushes button to slide it open revealing a window behind it that overlooks the White House]

Larabee:
[shouting] Mister President!

Chief:
Larabee, you can't call the President that way.

Mr. President:
[off screen] What do you want?

Maxwell Smart:
Excuse me for laughing into your hand, Mr. Iron Face, but the plans that you're talking about happen to be on a plane on their way to a top secret location.

Ironhand:
Where?

Maxwell Smart:
Okanowa.

Maxwell Smart:
Now how in the world did I end up with the same carriage I started off with?

Maxwell Smart:
[thinks for a moment] I told 'em sixteen wouldn't work.

Ironhand:
Let's not be foolish, Mr. Smart. I want those plans.

Maxwell Smart:
You'll have to kill me first.

Ironhand:
I was going to do that second.

Chief:
[pushes button on intercom] What is it, Larabee?

Larabee:
[on other line] How did you know it was me, Chief?

Chief:
Never mind that, Larabee, what are you buzzing me for?

Larabee:
The CIA and FBI just called. They want you to tune in on TV channel 51.

Chief:
[breaks off connection] Channel 51, that's the educational spy channel.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I guess Jarvis Pym will get his fifty million dollars.

Chief:
But that's blackmail, Max, you know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer?

Maxwell Smart:
He gives you a receipt?

Chief:
No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the fifty million, Pym will destroy the drug.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes we do, if he gives us a receipt.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course! The old pestle in the mortar trick.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
No, the old mortar in the mortar trick.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Observe.

[opens secret compartment in his ring]

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Sodium Calcium Chloride, do you know what that is?

Maxwell Smart:
An artificial sweetener?

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
No, it's the second most deadly poison in the world.

Maxwell Smart:
What's the first?

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Artificial sweetener.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
[about to swallow a deadly poison hidden in a secret compartment in his ring] Well, goodbye, Mr and Mrs Smart.

Maxwell Smart:
Not so fast, Pym. Observe.

[opens secret compartment in his ring]

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
What's that?

Maxwell Smart:
Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take that Sodium Calcium Chloride, I'll shove this down your throat. Not the ring, the powder. And you'll be alive again.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart, but I was prepared. Observe again:

[opens secret compartment in another ring]

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you bring me back to life, I shall take this and then I shall be permanently disposed of.

Maxwell Smart:
Temporarily permanently disposed of.

[opens secret compartment on yet another ring]

Maxwell Smart:
You know what's in here?

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, that makes two of us. What in here, 99?

Agent 99:
Anti-pro-anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. If you take Sodium Calcium Chloride and Max brings you back to life with Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride and you decide to destroy yourself again with Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride, Max will bring you back to life again with Anti-Pro-Anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride.

Dr. Jarvis Pym:
Well, that's easy enough for you to say. I've run out of rings.

Maxwell Smart:
Well I'm glad to hear that, it was my turn next.

Chief:
Just don't get caught. Capture would mean certain death.

Maxwell Smart:
Suicide mission, huh chief? Well, you've picked the right man.

Chief:
I hope so.

Maxwell Smart:
You hope what, that you picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission?

Agent 99:
Oh, Max, how terrible.

Maxwell Smart:
He deserved it, 99. He was a KAOS killer.

Agent 99:
Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.

Maxwell Smart:
[talking on his shoephone] Right, Chief. I'll with stick with him. Off and on.

Chief:
[in his office, on the other line] Don't you mean over and out?

Maxwell Smart:
No, when I sign off, I put my shoe on.

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a picture of Octavia] Chief, I've never seen anyone like this before. Those evil, penetrating eyes. Cold, ruthless mouth. Deviant chin. [looks at the next picture] Strong unyealding body. Chief?

Chief:
What?

Maxwell Smart:
I think I'm in love.

Maxwell Smart:
So that's how Octovia does it. Why, she's been right under our noses all the time, Chief, disguised as a cleaning woman.

Chief:
This is terrible!

Maxwell Smart:
I know, good cleaning women are hard to get.

Hymie:
I guess were not wired the same.

Octavia:
Wouldn't it be boring if we were?

Hymie:
I'm plus and your minus, so what? As long as we have each other.

Octavia:
Can't you see? People would point at us and say: disgusting. He's positive and she's negative.

Chief of Control:
Gentlemen, as of this moment, all members of control are on Magenta alert.

Maxwell Smart:
[about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?

Chief of Control:
Well, for one thing, it's 20 degrees cooler inside.

Professor Windish:
[about his Electro-Retrogressor Gun] This is it. One of the most incredible of my many incredible inventions.

Maxwell Smart:
[referring to the Electro-Retrogressor Gun] Amazing!

Professor Windish:
Yes... I am.

Maxwell Smart:
As agent in charge of internal security, I can give you my personal assurance that everything is under perfect control.

Maxwell Smart:
[an alarm goes off as a sign reading 'Emergency' flashes red, a sign reading 'Security' blue and a sign reading 'Danger' yellow] Eh, would you settle for almost perfect?

Maxwell Smart:
[peeking around a corner at a organ grinder and his monkey] Recognize him?

Agent 99:
Yes! That's Agent 17. Wow, what a disguise! Shall we question him now?

Maxwell Smart:
No, not now, the organ grinder is watching him too closely.

Maxwell Smart:
[acting as temporary Chief of Control] Hodgkins, I want the officer responsible for internal security in here on the double.

Hodgkins:
You're the internal security officer.

Maxwell Smart:
Fast work, Hodgkins.

Maxwell Smart:
The Chief would have been here himself to welcome you, but I'm sure that he'll join us... eh... as soon as he's had his nap. [realizing he said too much]

Delegate #1:
His nap?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... N.A.P. National Area Program reports [rolls eyes with relief]

Maxwell Smart:
Alma, you wanna get in that converence room. Give me one good reason why I should let you in.

Alma Sutton:
Here's one. [points the Electro-Retrogressor Gun at him]

Maxwell Smart:
Wanna try for two out of three?

Maxwell Smart:
I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man.

Chief:
What's the man's name?

Maxwell Smart:
I can't remember.

Chief:
What was the girl's name?

Maxwell Smart:
I didn't get it.

Chief:
What about the license number of the girl's car?

Maxwell Smart:
I didn't see it.

Chief:
How about the license of the other car?

Maxwell Smart:
I didn't notice.

Chief:
Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like 'I can't remember,' 'I didn't notice' and 'I didn't see it?'

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know.

Maxwell Smart:
Do you always carry two fur coats?

Tracy Dunhill:
'Course. One's for wearing, the other's for dragging.

Tracy Dunhill:
Why don't you come to my party tonight?

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well, that's very nice of you. I'd like to. What time?

Tracy Dunhill:
Any time. It's been going on for two months.

Maxwell Smart:
You'll never get away with this, Savage!

Savage:
Oh, why Mr. Smart?

Maxwell Smart:
Because, at this very minute, 25 CONTROL agents are converging on this building. Would you believe it? 25 CONTROL agents!

Savage:
I find that hard to beleive.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 2 squad cars and a motorcycle cop?

Savage:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a vicious street cleaner and a toothless police dog?

Maxwell Smart:
[the intelligence report by way of a top secret relay rock proves inconclusive] Well, either our boys are lying down on the job, or this rock is a forgery.

Agent 99:
No, that's the official Control rock, Max. Look.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, our name and address is on it.

Maxwell Smart:
[reads inscription] If found drop in any mailbox.

Savage:
[addressing #99] Good evening. I'd be honored to offer my assistance to someone so attractive.

Maxwell Smart:
Why thank you, but it's the lady who's interested in buying a painting.

Chief of Control:
[on phone] I hope you're not in Lovers Lane by yourself, it could draw attention to you.

Maxwell Smart:
[on steering wheel phone] Don't worry Chief, I have my Inflato-Girl with me.

Agent 99:
[Maxwell, posing as 99's butler, places a bowl of soup with a hidden camera in front of Savage] Try the soup, Rex, I think you'll like it.

Savage:
What kind is it?

Maxwell Smart:
Cream of Technicolor.

Maxwell Smart:
They think just because we're on the side of good that we're soft. But what they don't know is that we're tough and hard and do a very nice job.

Maxwell Smart:
Hello, Chief? Max. I'm in Lover's Lane. Listen, Chief, before I fill you in, I want you to give a message to Parker at the lab. Tell him there are a few adjustments needed on the steering wheel phone. Every time I turn the corner, I dial the operator.

Agent 99:
Max, look at that Modern sculpture. It's made out of a dented hubcap, rusted fender, tin cans, nuts and bolts and a bicycle chain.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, he's given us man's eternal struggle against the universe out of a pile of junk.

Agent 99:
What's it called?

Maxwell Smart:
[reading a placard] "A Pile of Junk".

Chief:
Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India.

Agent 99:
He stole the Star of India?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, he kidnapped Sabu.

Leadside:
Splendid, then phase 2 is about to be completed: the destruction of Control. There's just one thing that's disturbing me...

Kelley:
What is that, Leadside?

Leadside:
We're traveling at approximately 65 miles an hour, am I correct?

Norman:
Yes.

Leadside:
And we're all here, you Norman, Kelly, and me?

Kelley:
So what's disturbing you?

Leadside:
Who's driving the van?

Agent 99:
It's going to take a super human brain to figure this one out, Chief.

Chief:
99, we have a super human brain. All we have to do is put the question to it.

Larabee:
Fire away, Chief, ask me any question you want.

Maxwell Smart:
[the computer called ARDVARC has exploded and is losing power] Is there anyone you'd like us to notify?

ARDVARC:
[coughing sound] Yes. [another cough] The cigarette machine, in the hall.

Chief:
Max, we've taken every precaution. We've even activated maximum security plan Omega.

Maxwell Smart:
[his face brightens] Plan Omega?

Chief:
[nods] And you know how long it's been since we've used that plan.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, 99. My gosh, we haven't used that plan, since the day that Omega was murdered!

Maxwell Smart:
The old paper pal detonator pen!

Maxwell Smart:
That's the second biggest cosmetic case I ever saw!

Maxwell Smart:
Leadside, you told me you couldn't walk!

Leadside:
No, I can't walk, but I can run.

Maxwell Smart:
But that's impossible.

Leadside:
No, the injury to my spine is a unique one. As long as I am moving with any velocity, I'm alright, but as soon as I stand still or try to walk, I collapse.

Leadside:
No tricks, Mr. Smart, we have to get down to the business at hand: phase three.

Maxwell Smart:
And just how do you propose to phase three me, Leadside? One shot and all those Control agents will come rolling in here like oranges.

Leadside:
[Norman has just fallen out the window] Norman! My mother gave me Norman.

Chief:
We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop. Now if we do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes.

Maxwell Smart:
Maybe they're playing the stock market, Chief.

Chief:
No Max, I don't think so. It's much more likely they get their money by robbery, extorsion and blackmail.

Maxwell Smart:
You're probably right. A lot of people don't trust the market these days.

Maxwell Smart:
Where's the Cone of Silence?

Agent 99:
Max, we've leased it to the CIA.

Maxwell Smart:
But that's ridiculous!

Chief:
It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut.

Agent 99:
Well, why doesn't Congress cut the CIA's budget?

Maxwell Smart:
How can they? Nobody knows what their budget is.

Page:
Attention: Mister Buck Henry please claim your poodle at baggage counter. Mister Buck Henry your poodle is waiting.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
I am Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86 of Control. I've been assigned to protect you.

Trinka:
You seem familiar.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Yes, well, I've been guarding you ever since you got through the iron curtain.

Trinka:
Of course. You were on the plane with me. You were the man seated across the isle reading a magazine.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
No.

Trinka:
The man behind me with the dark glasses and the moustache?

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
No.

Trinka:
But I'm sure I saw you on the plane.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
I was the stewardess who fluffed your pillow.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
W Street, corner of 34.

Agent 34:
[moonlighting as a cabdriver] Oh, you want Control secret headquarters.

Mrs. Weatherly:
Are you Mr. Smart, the private eye?

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
[impersonating Bogey] You said what?

Mrs. Weatherly:
I'd like to talk to you Mr. Smart.

Mrs. Weatherly:
All right, start talking.

Mrs. Weatherly:
Alone.

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
[to 99] Get out.

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
[99 gives him a surprised look] ...Sweetheart.

99:
[99 throws down a pencil and starts to leave] I'll be in the outer office. If you need me... just whistle.

Mr. Peter:
Miss Trinka is a worrier. And she would only worry if she knew that we were worried.

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
Don't give it another thought, gentlemen. I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried. So don't worry.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
[opens car trunk] We're here, Miss Markoff.

Trinka:
[hiding in the trunk of Max' car] What took so long?

99:
Max had to make sure you were safe.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Yes, that's why I drove around town for three hours. No one could have possibly followed us here.

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
The old Wilbur in the drape trick.

Wilbur:
Get 'em up! [Max and Trinka raise their arms]

Wilbur:
[wearing extremely thick glasses] Are they up?

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
It's alright if I have a last drink, Isn't it?

Mr. Peter:
Of course. A man like you should die gallantly.

Maxwell Smart - Private Eye:
That's the way I always die, fat man.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max has got Lemon Meringue Pie all over the Chief] Sorry about... that, Chief. What's new?

Chief:
This suit was, until I walked in.

Rodger Hammerstein:
Vasquez is dead.

Naomi Hickenlooper:
Shall I play something?

Agent 99:
Max, Hannibal Day wrote the script.

Maxwell Smart:
He did? I just read it, it's terrible.

Agent 99:
Max, he's a murderer!

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well I knew he wasn't a writer.

Hannibal Day:
[performing a radio play] That's when I picked up the knife, and threw it! [propman Maxwell Smart fires a gun] Luckily, the knife hit a gun lying on the floor and the gun fired once. [Max fires two more shots] Twice... maybe more...

Frank Ogg:
Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, this half hour program is only twenty minutes long tonight.

Chief:
Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it.

Chief:
Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is? [hands over a picture of Dante's Inthermo ray]

Maxwell Smart:
I believe it's a photograph.

Chief:
86, your mission is simple: find KAOS and destroy it. Get Mr. Big. Rescue Professor Dante and get back the Inthermo.

Maxwell Smart:
Are you 99?

Six and half year old boy:
No, I'm six and a half.

Maxwell Smart:
[99 has taken off her chauffeur's cap] Why, You're a girl...

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, that's it! Rubber trash! They're using it for camouflage.

Maxwell Smart:
The old garbage trick, eh? That's the second time it's been pulled on me this year.

Mr. Big:
[to Agent 99] I see that what your organization lacks in strategy, it more than makes up in loveliness.

Maxwell Smart:
Thank you.

Maxwell Smart:
You see the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters and I happen to know that at this very minute seven coastguard cutters are converging on this boat. Would you believe it? Seven.

Mr. Big:
I find that pretty hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe six?

Mr. Big:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about two cops in a rowboat?

Agent 99:
Can you swim, professor?

Dante:
No, but I am familiar with the Archimedes principal of displacement of water. In which you replace only a - [Max pushes the professor overboard]

Maxwell Smart:
Well, that's the end of Mr. Big. If only he could have turned his evil genius into... niceness.

Chief:
Max, we're trained not to have any personal feelings. But I think you know that if I had any children, I'd like them to be like you and Fang.

Maxwell Smart:
I demand the cone of silence.

Chief:
Max, do we have to?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief.

Chief:
Okay, you win, Max.

Chief:
[speaking into intercom] Hodgkins, lower the cone of silence.

Chief:
[the cone of silence is lowered over the Chief and Max] Now what did you find out?

Maxwell Smart:
Nothing.

Chief:
[pushes button, angrily] Hodgkins, raise the cone of silence.

Maxwell Smart:
Now I'm gonna have this gun in my pocket at all times, so you're gonna be completely covered. Now as far as my aunt and uncle are concerned, you and I are old army buddies, have you got that?

Victor:
Right. We flew together in the Luftwaffe.

Victor:
[trying to get away from Max] Well, if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll go in the kitchen, get a glass of water.

Maxwell Smart:
[keeping Victor covered with a gun in his pocket] I think I'll go with you, I'm a little thirsty myself.

Victor:
Eh, no, no, you stay here and chat with your uncle, I'll bring you a glass of water.

Maxwell Smart:
No, you don't know what kind of water I like. Eh, I mean you don't know where the faucet it.

Uncle Abner:
In most apartments it's over the sink. Round here I wouldn't bet on it.

Aunt Bertha:
[concerned about Max' strange behavior] Something terrible is happening.

Uncle Abner:
I know, he must be mixed up in something bad. He's either a bookmaker or a gambler.

Aunt Bertha:
Or a musician!

Uncle Abner:
Max, take your uncle's advice: get out of the shoe business before it kills ya!

Chief of Control:
Max, I don't mean to suggest that you're not telling the truth, but isn't it just conceivable that this whole affair could've been a bad dream?

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Absolutely not, Chief! I tell you, I saw two invisible men!

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
You mean to tell me that you came here without the invisible ray-gun and you expect me to believe that such a silly gun exists? Well gentlemen, I'm afraid your going to have to show me. You see, I'm from Minnesota.

KAOS Agent #1:
You mean Missouri.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Missouri... don't tell me where I'm from.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Now that we're alone, I wanna give you a last chance to give yourselves up. There's still time for you to take your place in society as normal, decent invisible men... and women.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Well, that just about wraps it up, 99. Haskell and Ehrlich are on the way to prison, the Chief likes Ehrlich's hat and once again the forces of virtue have triumphed over the forces of rottenness.

Waiter:
[grabs 86 by the lapels, lifting him off the ground] Listen bud, I don't like people to look at me funny.

Maxwell Smart:
Well if you don't like the way I'm looking at ya, you're gonna hate what I'm gonna say to ya. Besides, you don't look like the type that would to to England to visit the Queen.

Waiter:
Pussycat?

Maxwell Smart:
Pussycat, pussycat where have you been?

Waiter:
I've been to London to visit the Queen.

Maxwell Smart:
Sorry gang, I don't usually bust in on people like this and squeeze their olives, but this is an emergency.

Maxwell Smart:
Where's your olive? Don't tell me you swallowed it...

Ozark Annie:
I swallowed it.

Maxwell Smart:
I asked you not to tell me that!

Maxwell Smart:
[pause] Well my dear, that may have been the costliest gulp in the course of human history.

Siegfried:
The minute I go away everything goes kaplot!

Shtarker:
But you were here all the time.

Siegfried:
You're not making it any easier on yourself, Shtarker.

Maxwell Smart:
I happen to be a secret agent.

Ozark Annie:
[Annie bursts out laughing] You're kidding.

Maxwell Smart:
What's so hard to believe about that?

Ozark Annie:
Well face it, you ain't no Sean O'Connery. You know, all handsome and confident. Well, just take a look into the mirror, puddin'.

Maxwell Smart:
Very clever...

Maxwell Smart:
[pulls of Siegfrieds fake beard] Siegfried McTavish!

Siegfried:
How did you know I wasn't a doctor?

Maxwell Smart:
Very simple. You went straight to the patient without even complaining about having to make a house call.

Siegfried:
Between romance und fear we could rule eight eights of the world.

Shtarker:
Why not the whole world?

Siegfried:
Don't push it, Shtarker.

Ozark Annie:
[Max bursts in to rescue Annie] Puddin' you're as welcome as a new rooster in a henhouse.

Siegfried:
What kind of nonsense is this? There are four of us and only one of him. Put down your hands, pull out your guns. He can only shoot one of us!

Maxwell Smart:
You're the one.

Siegfried:
Please everybody, hands up!

Maxwell Smart:
Well, you fell for the old remote control self propelled spinning doorknob trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief. Emilio Naharana. Isn't he the world famous ballet dancer?

Chief:
Correct. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Maxwell Smart:
No Chief, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.

Maxwell Smart:
Windish? One question. Just what is Immobilo and how does it work?

Professor Windish:
Actually, that's two questions.

Maxwell Smart:
He's bright. I like that.

Maxwell Smart:
Now listen carefully, do exactly what I tell you, 99. Get up very slowly and look over the drum. Do you see a dark haired man in a white suit?

99:
[whispering] Yes I do!

Maxwell Smart:
Don't be scared, 99. I think it's me.

99:
Max, what did you find out?

Maxwell Smart:
I found out something very important, 99.

99:
What is it, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
A human being can't live in a base drum.

Parkerson:
A secret agent? Where are your credentials?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, my credentials. Well, I left them in my moustache kit.

Maxwell Smart:
Isn't this top secret?

Chief:
Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, don't you think it would be wize to speak in a foreign language?

Chief:
[a bit reluctantly] All right, French.

Maxwell Smart:
French? Gosh, Chief, everybody speaks French. Why don't we speak in Swahili?

Chief:
As you wish. Mahani ganga gi.

Maxwell Smart:
Ganga gi? I thought it was ganga ga.

Chief:
No, ganga gi.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, that's strange. I thought it was gi after ganga unless it came before goo

Chief:
[exasperated] How about English?

Maxwell Smart:
English? Eh... okay, but don't go too fast.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
I'm being followed. Use emergency telephone plan Z.

Conrad Bunny:
Ah, the famous Maxwell Smart. I am Conrad Bunny.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Oh yes, of course, the infamous Herr Bunny.

Agent 99:
Oh, it looks like we're in big trouble, Max.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
[armed only with a water pistol] I know, I'm out of water.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Well, if I don't make it, 99, I want you to do something for me.

Agent 99:
What is it, Max?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
The Chief owes me a nickel. I'd like you to have it.

Agent 99:
Max... you were wonderful!

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
No 99, the real credit belongs to these toys. After all, we had at our disposal every fiendish and destructive plaything ever devised for the pleasure of little children. Those poor devils, all they had were real guns and bullets.

Chief:
[meeting on the moon] What took you so long? Do you know what time it is?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, 99's mother called us just before we left Earth.

Chief:
Well, this is probably the last time we'll be able to have these secret meetings on the moon anyway. Now that the astronauts have landed succesfully, there'll probably be a lot more of them coming.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, we really shouldn't complain, Chief, we've had it for four years.

Agent 99:
[Max is about to jump and climb over a wall] I'm gonna have a baby, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
A baby? [runs straight through the wall]

Chief:
Larrabee, has that sample come back from the Control lab yet?

Larabee:
It's on my desk, Chief.

Chief:
Bring it in.

Larabee:
I'll need somebody to help me, that desk is pretty heavy.

Maxwell Smart:
I'll help ya, Larrabee.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief. If she's gonna go in and sing that note to break that glass, We got to get her into KAOS headquarters.

Chief:
That's allready been taken care of, Max. Belasco, like all KAOS agents, is an opera lover.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief. If my face is so well known, supposing I had it changed?

Chief:
Max, the recital is tomorrow night. You know how long plastic surgery takes.

Maxwell Smart:
Not if I go to Proctor.

Chief:
Who's Proctor?

Maxwell Smart:
Hector Proctor.

Chief:
Who's Hector Proctor?

Maxwell Smart:
A Doctor. Doctor Hector Proctor.

Maxwell Smart:
[transporting Big Eddie Little to prison by walking a marathon] Well, it won't be long now, Big Eddie. Tomorrow at this time it will be all over for you.

Big Eddie Little:
Yeah. The judge once told me that some day I'd walk the last mile. If he had told me I'd have to walk fifty miles to get to the last mile, I'd had gone straight.

Maxwell Smart:
Say, that's a beautiful trophy they gave you for winning the marathon race, Larabee, you must be very thrilled.

Larabee:
I am, now we have a set, I have one, my wife has one.

Maxwell Smart:
You're wife is a professional marathon walker?

Larabee:
No, she's a professional wrestler.

Maxwell Smart:
Your wife is a professional wrestler?

Larabee:
You probably saw her wrestle lots of times on television and didn't know it.

Maxwell Smart:
Really?

Larabee:
Did you ever see Battling Biff Bannister? Big, tall, built like an ox, always wore a black hood over the face.

Maxwell Smart:
Your wife wrestled Battling Biff Banister?

Larabee:
My wife is Battling Biff Bannister!

Maxwell Smart:
[on shoe phone] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake

Larabee:
[on the Chief's other phone] I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army.

Chief:
[on his regular office phone] Max, where on our way. [they all hang up]

Chief:
[draws his revolver] Ok Larabee, where is it?

Chief:
Eh, six miles South of Berlin.

Big Eddie Little:
Doc, Doc, no matter what the outside world may thing about me, among my peers I'm considered a well meaning, good natured slob.

One-Way Al:
How do you feel, Big?

Big Eddie Little:
Just fine, Al, just fine. And that doc... he's ok in my book.

One-Way Al:
What do you want me to do with him?

Big Eddie Little:
Kill 'em.

One-Way Al:
What about the nurse?

Big Eddie Little:
Al, the nurse happens to be a lady. Kill her first.

Chief:
The cabin is completely surrounded. Come out with your hands up!

One-Way Al:
Come and get us you dirty lousy rat fink coppers!

Chief:
Hey, watch your language!

Maxwell Smart:
How did you get in here?

Pussycat:
I slipped your landlady a dollar and she let me in the backdoor.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, you should have used the front door, it's only a quarter.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't understand how this airline can stay in business when they only carry one passenger.

Stewardess:
We don't show movies.

Hester Van Hooten:
Who was it, Hogarth?

Hogarth:
Two lost and weary travelers, who's car broke down in the storm.

Hester Van Hooten:
What did they want?

Hogarth:
Food and shelter. I turned them away.

Hester Van Hooten:
Well done, Hogarth.

Hogarth:
Thank you, Ma'm

Hester Van Hooten:
And Hogarth?

Hogarth:
Yes, Ma'm?

Hester Van Hooten:
First thing in the morning, let's get rid of that welcome matt out front.

Jason Van Hooten:
They must never learn the secret of this house. Tonight, when they're both asleep, let's let Sebastian out of his room.

Hester Van Hooten:
No. You know my orders, Sebastian never leaves his attic. Except on Christmas morning. After we've opened our gifts, he gets to eat the tree.

Jason Van Hooten:
Did you call her '99'?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes I did.

Jason Van Hooten:
May I ask why?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know her name.

Agent 99:
It looks like he died of fright.

Maxwell Smart:
Either that or some other natural cause.

Jason Van Hooten:
Sebastian...

Hester Van Hooten:
Don't tell me he's loose.

Jason Van Hooten:
[check's Sebastian's attic door, which has a hole in it] He's loose.

Hester Van Hooten:
I asked you not to tell me that!

Larabee:
Sorry about your clock, lady.

Hogarth:
Yes, it was me. I hated Rebecca, and I hated Hester. And as you can see, I wasn't to crazy about Sebastian, either. And as for Jason, he's a thief, a liar and a blackmailer. But he's my brother and I'm proud of him.

Siegfried:
As one bad guy to one good guy I promise you we shall meet again, Smart!

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
The trick is stupid! [the sub is shaking on impact] The trick is dumb! [another hit] The trick is childish! [nothing happens] The trick is childish!... and the trick is working.

Maxwell Smart:
[Hymie has just wolfed down Max's hotdog] How did it taste?

Hymie:
Delicious. Even the poison was good.

Maxwell Smart:
Poison?

Hymie:
I'm programmed to detect poison. That was arsenic, 8 grams, 2 cc's.

Maxwell Smart:
Are you alright Hymie?

Hymie:
Of course. Arsenic is good for cleaning out my tubes.

Maxwell Smart:
[Hymie is almost electrocuted by a booby trapped phone] Hymie! Are you alright?

Hymie:
[still shaking] I don't know.

Maxwell Smart:
Well what happened?

Hymie:
I think I'm in love

Maxwell Smart:
Alright, men. The eyes of the free world are on you today. So I want you to remember to keep your heads and your shorts up.

Maxwell Smart:
The old sleeping-foot-powder in the shoe trick.

Snead:
Well, it looks to me as though we've both failed.

Mrs. Neal:
There's always a first time, Snead.

Snead:
Unfortunately, when one works for KAOS, it's usually the last time. I suggest, Mrs Neal, that we take a permanent leave of absence.

Mrs. Neal:
I agree, Snead.

99:
[Max has examined a few strands of hair, odd shaped piece of metal, a button and a piece of paper] What's your conclusion, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
The Chief has been kidnapped.

Professor Windish:
May I ask which one of these items led you to that conclusion?

Maxwell Smart:
This innocent looking piece of paper.

99:
Why Max, what is it?

Maxwell Smart:
A ransom note.

99:
[Max and 99 are counting the donations for the Help our Chief Fund] Wow, here's one for 500 dollars!

Maxwell Smart:
500 dollars! Now, that's great. Now we're getting some place. Who's that from?

99:
The boys in counterfeiting.

99:
Max, what's your plan?

Maxwell Smart:
I'm going into that park.

Hodgkins:
Alone?

Maxwell Smart:
Alone.

99:
But Max, you'll be in terrible danger.

Maxwell Smart:
I know. Those parks are murder at night.

Maxwell Smart:
Just as I thought: electric grass.

99:
Max, why don't you try to contact headquarters.

Maxwell Smart:
Hmm. That's a good idea, 99. I'll call them on my shoe and you breathe heavily on the Chief.

Maxwell Smart:
[Two KAOS agents knock out Chief and drive away with him in his car; Max fails to notice] Hey, Chief, you forgot your luggage! Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Maxwell Smart:
[Chief's car won't turn over] You know, I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but I'm willing to make a large wager that I know just where the trouble is.

Chief:
Where, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
In the engine.

Chief:
[sarcastically] Good thinking, you wanna take a look there?

Maxwell Smart:
Where?

Chief:
In the engine!

Maxwell Smart:
[as Max tunes the car, Chief is wrestling with a KAOS agent, whose gun goes off] You're getting a backfire!

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
When the moon is full, the tide is high.

Mrs. Green:
You must want the spy school. That's next door.

Agent 99:
And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing. Why without security, none of us would be safe.

Man:
Excuse me, is this Mrs. Green's house?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there.

Agent 99:
You'll be in extreme danger every minute.

Maxwell Smart:
...and... loving it

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
[posing as Alexander Loomis] New eh? And British. What was Micky Mantle's batting average in 1961?

Hillary Gainsborough:
I eh, I don't know...

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Correct. Because if you did know, you'd be American, not British. A new trainee can't be too careful.

Dean Watson:
Smart!

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
No, Loomis.

Hillary Gainsborough:
Are you familiar with Karate?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Are you kidding? Why, Karate happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. Why, with one perfectly timed chop of my hand I can break eight boards this thick, would you believe it, eight.

Hillary Gainsborough:
I find that very difficult to believe.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Would you believe seven?

Hillary Gainsborough:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
How about a loaf of bread?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
This is a jokebook with every East Himalayan joke. All six of them.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
Well, there you have it, gentlemen, another wonderful theory down the drain.

Hillary Gainsborough:
Are you accusing me on this flimsy evidence?

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86:
No, I have some more flimsy evidence!

Maxwell Smart:
Well, there was this East Himalayan traveling salesman, see, and his ox-cart broke down in front of a farm house. Well, he went up and he knocked on the door and the farmer opened the door. And the traveling salesman said: 'Oh oh oh hey, mahu, savali naaneh'. And the farmer replied: 'Aaka maaka soo soo'.

[laughs riotously]

Maxwell Smart:
An East Himalayan bum walked up to me on the street one day and said: 'Ana hoho uni, aha awahi tiki'. And I said - what's the punchline? [points at Dimitri]

Dimitri:
I said: 'Yehi tajo gurka hama'.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max checks the punchline in the East Himalayan joke book and begins to chuckle] That's very funny Dimitri.

Maxwell Smart:
This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas.

99:
What about fish?

Maxwell Smart:
There's no fish up there either.

Maxwell Smart:
99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp.

99:
Now Max, that's very hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe it if I took out the limp?

Maxwell Smart:
What is it, Max?

99:
Well, either it's the biggest magnet in the world or it's the biggest horsshoe in the world. And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse.

99:
Max, it's Siegfried and Shtarker!

Siegfried:
Well it isn't Robinson Crusoe and Friday, cookie.

99:
[stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here.

99:
Who's Bannister?

Chief:
Control's top agent.

99:
Why do you wish he were was here, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't like him.

99:
How can you move around an island this size?

Siegfried:
I don't suppose you've seen the back of this island, have you?

Maxwell Smart:
No, why?

Siegfried:
We have the biggest outboard motor you ever saw!

Starker:
The biggest! [imitates motor sound]

Siegfried:
Starker! This is KAOS! We don't [imitates sound] here!

Maxwell Smart:
[a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass] Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth.

Contact Man:
[the informer has been mortally wounded] Drink... please... drink.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max grabs a glass of milk from a table] Here you are fellow, drink this milk.

Contact Man:
[panting] Is it regular or skim?

Maxwell Smart:
[Max takes a sip] It's regular. Go ahead, drink it.

Contact Man:
Strict diet... only drink skim...

Maxwell Smart:
You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.

Chief:
What was it like, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Well it was a kind of a clip-clop clip-clop.

Chief:
Like a man with a special shoe?

Parker:
Or a man walking with a cane?

Maxwell Smart:
Or a man with very loose dentures.

Maxwell Smart:
99, I'm positive that this is the section of the rail that gave way.

Agent 99:
I'm sure you're right, Max but look, there's not a sign of any damage.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well just put two and two together and that means?

Agent 99:
That someone fixed it quietly during the night.

Maxwell Smart:
Or else the entire ship has been replaced.

Maxwell Smart:
[speaking on 99s portable hair dryer phone] Hello Chief, this is Max.

Chief:
[on the other line] Max, are there any clues?

Maxwell Smart:
No Chief, just that clip-clop sound I was telling you about.

Chief:
Does anyone on board make that noise?

Maxwell Smart:
Everyone on board makes that noise.

Captain Groman:
Mr. Smart, I can vouch for my crew. I know each man as though he were my own brother. Why, they're the pick of the scum of Europe.

Agent 44:
[hiding in a funnel] What took you so long to get here?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, first of all, we had to decode that secret message you left on the porthole.

Agent 44:
Was it hard? You know, secret messages are one of my specialties.

Maxwell Smart:
I've seen harder...

Agent 99:
[lying] Max figured it out right away.

Agent 44:
You did? Well you wait until next time. I've got a humdinger. You'll never get it!

Maxwell Smart:
What are you talking about, 44? What good is a secret message if n one cn understand it?

Agent 44:
Listen, 86, I don't have much fun on this job. There's no mingling with the glamorous passengers. No deck tennis. No gala evenings at the captain's table. No, no, not for me.

Maxwell Smart:
Take it easy, 44, take it easy!

Agent 44:
I mean, a spy can only take so muuch. Funnels and portholes and sleeping in the cargo hold. Hiding, always hiding. I want to come in from the cold.

Maxwell Smart:
[to Baccardo] Missed! And you're all out of wheelchairs.

Captain Groman:
[Max is surprised to find out the Captain has a wooden leg] What's the matter sir, what are you staring at? Is it my leg?

Maxwell Smart:
No, I've seen legs before. It's that wooden job I'm looking at.

Captain Groman:
Ah yes, a souvenir of my younger years when I was still a lad.

Captain Groman:
[picks up a harpoon] You've heard of the great white whale?

Maxwell Smart:
That was done by the great white whale?

Captain Groman:
No, that was done by a small blue convertible.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. The old gun in the peg leg trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this year.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know what you're selling 99, but I'll take two of each.

Chief:
Now remember, now that we know that KAOS is in possession of the stolen plans, what we have to find out is how they intend to smuggle them out of the country and when.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. Well, what you're saying, Chief is that now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when and where.

Chief:
No, forget about where. When we find out how, we'll know where.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, how will how tell us where?

Chief:
If it's going by boat, it's probably going to Richelieu's salon in Beirut, which is a safe port. If it's going by plane, it'll probably go to his salon in Damascus. You understand?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, I understand Chief, but I don't think I quite agree with you. You see all you've told me is that we know how but we don't know who, when or where. So that tells us that we don't know anything.

Chief:
[blinks] What?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, we know who, and that doesn't tell us when, so why should how tell us where?

Chief:
Max, you're driving me crazy.

Maxwell Smart:
How?

Chief:
Don't say that word!

Maxwell Smart:
Why?

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief, I read about that case in the papers. Three guys went into Fort Knox and they got 600 pounds of gold bars, put 'em in a sack, dropped them from a roof, to a guy who was waiting on the ground below.

Chief:
That's right, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
And then all three guys on the roof were shot down.

Agent 99:
How'd the fourth man die, Max?

Maxwell Smart:
He caught the sack.

Maxwell Smart:
Excuse me, but I've always been curious: what makes a person wanna work in a morgue?

Mr. Obler:
I like a job where you meet people.

Maxwell Smart:
Dr. Zharko, KAOS' mad scientist?

Agent 99:
But Chief, that's not possible. He was arrested by the Transylvanian highway patrol over a year ago and executed.

Maxwell Smart:
Well that's probably when he decided to experiment with bringing people back to life.

Agent 99:
While he was dead?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, he probably had a lot of time on his hands.

Dr. Zharko:
So, Mr. Smart, we meet again.

Maxwell Smart:
We've never met before.

Dr. Zharko:
No? Oh, I thought we had. Must have been your brother.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't have a brother.

Dr. Zharko:
Would you like me to make you one?

Maxwell Smart:
Then it's true: you really can bring people back from the dead.

Dr. Zharko:
Yes, as long as I receive the bodies before rigor mortis sets in.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, that lets Ed Sullivan out.

Chief:
Max, this is a suicide mission. Whoever goes, will probably never come back.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, whoever it is, Chief, let's wish him good luck.

Chief:
Good luck, Max.

Larabee:
Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, 99, did you have the baby yet?

Maxwell Smart:
Of course she didn't have the baby yet. What are you doing here?

Larabee:
I came here to take her to the hospital to have the baby.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, we don't know when she's going to have the baby, she could have it tonight, she could have it tomorrow night, she could have it the next night.

Larabee:
Gee, I hope not, Max, that's why I'm here now. I'm tied up for the rest of the week.

Maxwell Smart:
Now, according to my calculations, the safe should be - right behind that painting.

Simmons:
Are you sure?

Maxwell Smart:
Here, help me move this safe over, so I can stand on it and get a better look.

Colonel Kyle K. Kirby:
[Max and Simmons are caught by the Colonel] So, Control agents, huh?

Maxwell Smart:
[Max covers the number sewn on his uniform] I don't know what you're talking about. We're just regular, run-of-the-mill, everyday burglars.

Colonel Kyle K. Kirby:
What's your name?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't have to give you my name, Colonel, all I have to do is to give you my Control serial number: 8-6-5...

Agent 99:
[on phone] The Chief is waiting for me downstairs. I'm on my way to the hospital right now.

Maxwell Smart:
[on wristwatch phone] Are you alright, 99?

Agent 99:
Yes. The pains are coming every ten minutes now.

Maxwell Smart:
[in the process of being whipped by the Colonel] Good. Mine are coming every five seconds.

Chief:
Max, this job calls for an agent with high intelligence, sharp judgement and total fearlessness.

Maxwell Smart:
[flattered] Well, ok Chief, if you put it that way...

Chief:
Unfortunately I can't spare 99 right now.

Chief:
Oh and Max, remember: both Joshua and the Baron are ruthless, cold blooded killers. From the minute you set foot in that hotel you'll be facing constant, extreme danger.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it.

Cigarette Girl:
What do you think you're doing?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm looking for my silver dollar. You gave me the wrong one.

Cigarette Girl:
What's the difference? A dollar's a dollar.

Maxwell Smart:
Well mine is a very special silver dollar. Oh. Here it is.

Cigarette Girl:
How can you be sure it's yours?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... yes, well it has my name on it.

Cigarette Girl:
Oh is that so? Well, what's your name? [grabs dollar to examine it]

Cigarette Girl:
Eh.. 'E plurabis unum'

Cigarette Girl:
Wizeguy... [puts dollar between her cleavage]

Maxwell Smart:
[Max's life has just been saved by the Cigarette girl] It's you. I don't think I understand.

Cigarette Girl:
[speaking with a man's voice] My name is Charlie Watkins, Control West.

Carlson:
Now, this on the surface appears to be nothing more than an American cheese sandwich. However... [opens the sandwich]

Maxwell Smart:
Are you kidding... a telephone! Why, that's fantastic.

Carlson:
Thank you.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, does it come in any other colors?

Carlson:
Just basic black. But it does come in different sandwiches: egg salad, peanut butter and an imported liverworst.

Frank Lloyd Joshua:
[referring to Maxwell Smart] If that man is who I think he is, you got get rid of him.

Carlos:
You know how I hate to fire anyone. Couldn't I just kill him?

Maxwell Smart:
Don't move, Joshua. This hammer happens to be a 45 caliber pistol.

Frank Lloyd Joshua:
So is this wrench.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh really? Carlson is gonna feel terrible about this...

Chief:
There's no telling where they'll be able to infiltrate next. May be even the Pentagon.

Maxwell Smart:
You're right, Chief. But even if they do get a man into the Pentagon, that's not saying he'll be able to get out. I remember one of our own agents was lost in there for three days.

Chief:
Three days? Max, no agent could be that confused.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, let me see now. I went in on a Friday...

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, when was the last time I beat you at chess?

Chief of Control:
You've never beaten me at chess, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
That long ago, eh?

Maxwell Smart:
The old timebomb in the roll trick.

Devonshire:
You thought? [thumps statue of a panther with his fist] KAOS doesn't pay you to think, you men were send here to obey.

Woman Agent:
Tell me, Max, where does your Chief go on wednesday nights?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more specific than that, Shirley. What wednesday night?

Woman Agent:
How about next Wednesday night?

Maxwell Smart:
You're wasting your time. That's classified information.

Woman Agent:
Then what are you doing next Wednesday night, Maxie? Maybe we could do it together.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm afraid not. You see, I'm guarding the Chief at a concert next Wednesday night.

Maxwell Smart:
[the Chief raises the Cone of Silence] Well what's the matter, Chief?

Chief of Control:
What's the matter? Didn't you hear that echo?

Maxwell Smart:
Didn't I hear what?

Chief of Control:
Echo, echo, echo!

Maxwell Smart:
Oh yes, I heard it that time.

Chief:
[on phone in office] Max, does the name Montague Leach mean anything to you?

Maxwell Smart:
[on house phone in Roman Spa] It certainly does, Chief. He's the drummer with The Electric Hare.

Chief:
No, Max, he's not a drummer with The Electric Hare.

Maxwell Smart:
He left the group?

Chief:
Sorry about that, Max.

Larabee:
You know, Max, sometimes I think the Chief doesn't like me.

Agent 99:
Why do you say that, Larabee?

Larabee:
I'll tell you, 99. Take that beautiful Japanese dagger he gave me for my birthday.

Agent 99:
Well, I saw that dagger. That's very expensive. If the Chief didn't like you, he wouldn't give you a gift like that.

Larabee:
That's just it, 99. He didn't give it to me, he threw it at me!

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, Chief. Look: the old bug in the towel trick!

Maxwell Smart:
The temperature in here is definitely getting too high.

Chief:
Why do you say that?

Maxwell Smart:
My locker key is melting!

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, look at your toupee.

Chief:
What's the matter with it?

Maxwell Smart:
It's saluting.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course, the Professor Peter Peckinpah all purpose anti-personnel Peckinpah pocket pistol under the toupee trick.

Maxwell Smart:
[hiding in a hamper, trying to alert Larabee by phone] Chief, he hung up on me.

Chief:
Max, now we've got to get out of here alive, if it's only to kill Larabee.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the big ugly gorilla.

Maxwell Smart:
[during gladiator fight] Hey, watch it with that net! You're liable to get my sword tangled in it.

Chief:
KAOS has destroyed almost 90% of America's potato crop.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I didn't know that, Chief.

Chief:
It's been our government most closely guarded secret.

99:
Well I can see why, Americans love potatoes.

Maxwell Smart:
That's right, Chief. Potatoes are as American as pizzas or tacos.

99:
Mother, you just call Max 'Max' and Max, you call mother 'mother'. [they all sit down on a couch]

Maxwell Smart:
Right, 99.

99's Mother:
99?

99:
Oh, eh, Max and I have pet names for each other, heh, sometimes he calls me '99' and sometimes I call him '86'.

99's Mother:
Isn't that cute. You can call me '38' if it isn't taken.

Maxwell Smart:
No, no. No it isn't.

99's Mother:
Did you have a nice chat with your shoe?

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, yes well, I can explain that, mother...

99's Mother:
Oh, don't bother, my husband used to always talk to his suspenders.

Maxwell Smart:
He did?

99's Mother:
Sometimes he'd talk to his belt. He was a very strange man but a good provider.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course! The old airplaine in the haystack trick.

99:
Max, it's Mr. Smith...

Maxwell Smart:
It's the Red Baron.

Maxwell Smart, 99:
[the man in question takes off his flying goggles] It's Siegfried!

Siegfried:
You bet your sweet shoephone it's Siegfried. We meet again...

Maxwell Smart:
So, Siegfried, you're the one that's responsible for trying to destroy the potato crop.

Siegfried:
Exactly, but that knowledge will do you no good. You see, I'm going to shoot you both, push you in front of the spinning propellers und drop you from 18.000 feet! This is the last time we meet, Shmart!

Maxwell Smart:
You mean you're not coming to the wedding?

Maxwell Smart:
How did you know we were here, Chief?

Chief:
I stopped by the house and 99's mother told me you were here.

99:
You came just in the nick of time, Chief.

Chief:
I would have been here sooner but she made me stop and eat first.

Maxwell Smart:
You know, Chief, I've always wondered about that. How many potatoes are there in a crop?

Chief:
Oh, it all depends. Four or five thousand bushels.

Maxwell Smart:
Boy, that's a lot of crop.

Maxwell Smart:
[hanging on to the wing of Siegfried's plane] Don't tell me you'd shoot an unarmed man in mid-air?

Siegfried:
Of course I would.

Maxwell Smart:
[shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!

99's Mother:
[about Max] Eh, is he really in the greeting card business?

99:
Why yes of course, why do you ask?

99's Mother:
Oh, I don't know. Your father always used to always say he was in the greeting card business.

99:
And wasn't he?

99's Mother:
Didn't you know? Your father was a spy.

Siegfried:
You fools! Incompetents! Bunglers!Dumkopfs! Sissies! Call yourselves "killers." You are not worthy of the name. In the past three weeks, Maxwell Smart has personally eliminated no less than eleven...

[shouts]

Siegfried:
DO YOU HEAR ME, STUPIDS? Maxwell Smart has personally eliminated no less than eleven of our most vicious, brutal, cold-blooded agents!

[pause]

Siegfried:
Some of whom were my most best, dearest, sweetest, kindest friends.

KAOS Hood:
With that kind of a price on your head, every killer in the country is gonna be after you. You don't stand a chance.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh really? Well I've got news for you, fella. Anybody who tries to collect that reward is gonna have to do it over my dead body.

Maxwell Smart:
Sorry Chief, but don't ever pull a handkerchief on a friend.

Maxwell Smart:
[13 is hiding in an ice cream vending machine] Agent 13?

Agent 13:
No, it's the abominable snowman. Of course it's me.

Maxwell Smart:
All right, what have you got, 13?

Agent 13:
You name it: pneumonia, bronchitis, frostbite, the flu.

Maxwell Smart:
It must be very gratifying, Dr. Noodelman, to give people new hope, a new life.

Dr. Noodelman:
He who is blessed with a gift and does not share it lives in darkness.

Maxwell Smart:
I must remember that. I'm getting a little tired of 'a coward dies a thousand deaths'.

Maxwell Smart:
Doctor, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to tell me the truth. Are you going to kill me?

Dr. Noodelman:
[smiling broadly] Yes.

Maxwell Smart:
Wouldn't you like a little more time to think over your answer?

A.J. Pfister:
Won't you please sign my petition?

Maxwell Smart:
I'm sorry, Mr. Pfister, but I can't sign that petition. Quiet is un-American.

Maxwell Smart:
Wait a minute, if you couldn't find Control, how did you know where to find me?

A.J. Pfister:
Oh, I telephoned KAOS and they gave me this address.

A.J. Pfister:
Oh please Mr. Smart, sign my petition.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... your petition, yes, well, it wouldn't do me any good to sign your petition, Mr. Pfister, you see I'm a spy, and my fountain pen is filled with invisible ink.

Maxwell Smart:
I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.

Agent 99:
Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?

Maxwell Smart:
Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.

Chief:
Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.

Chief:
[glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now. Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.

Maxwell Smart:
Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.

Chief:
[shouting] Max, get going right away!

Siegfried:
[Siegfried and Shtarker were also asked to sign Pfisters petition] Did you sign the piece of paper?

Starker:
No.

Starker:
That's good, you can't write anyway.

Siegfried:
[Max has stopped at a traffic light] The world is going to be destroyed in another 45 minutes, you schtupid! This is no time to stop for traffic lights!

Maxwell Smart:
Well don't tell that to me, tell it to the pigeon! [the pigeon they are following is perched on top of the traffic light]

Maxwell Smart:
[the pigeon they are following is in a birdbath at the park] How do you like this? 20 minutes till doomsday, and he stops to take a bath.

Starker:
I hope that he is not a she.

Siegfried:
What difference does it make, Shtarker?

Starker:
I may be a killer but I am not a peeping Tom.

Maxwell Smart:
How do you like that? He invented a cuckoo with laryngitis.

Maxwell Smart:
The ultimate weapon: kamikaze pigeons.

Siegfried:
An ingenious device, Shmart. What is it?

Maxwell Smart:
The old long-playing, high frequency, ultrasonic, stereophonic, strike the match against the sounding board trick. Works every time, Siegfried.

A.J. Pfister:
[Siegfried has just released a kamikaze pigeon he thinks is heading for the Pentagon] That bird, eh, labelled Pentagon, I'm afraid is headed for one of your two headquarters.

Siegfried:
[gasps] Don't tell me. [Starts brabling fake German]

Siegfried:
KAOS?

A.J. Pfister:
Yes. KAOS.

Siegfried:
[shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!

Maxwell Smart:
[speaking on a fire hydrant phone] Hello Control? This is Maxwell Smart. No, Smart. S as in splendid, M as in marvelous, A as in...

Nealis:
[Max' tie is stuck in a KAOS agents suitcase] What are you doing down there?

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe a Jolson medley?

Nealis:
You will get nothing out of me, Mr. Smart. KAOS trains it's men well. I can take threats, torture, starvation. How about you?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I can take threats and starvation. Torture I'm not too crazy about.

Maxwell Smart:
[Max shoe phone started ringing while he was delivering a suitcase to some KAOS men] I guess it was a wrong number.

KAOS Agent #2:
But we told ya, we don't have a phone.

Maxwell Smart:
Well you'd better get one. As long as you've got the ringing, you might as well have a phone, right?

Chief of Control:
[Max has disarmed a bomb by getting his tie stuck in the mechanism] I don't know how you did it, Max, but you just saved the East Coast, maybe the whole world. That was a close one.

Maxwell Smart:
You don't know how close it was, Chief. I was thinking of wearing my bow tie today.

Maxwell Smart:
Now, here's a point that all the men are very, very interested in: for example. If we're captured by enemy agents and taken to a foreign country, why can't we come back tourist class instead of having to stow away?

Chief:
'The little red tractor that huffed and puffed'.

Agent 99:
Must be some kind of code, Chief.

Chief:
That's possible, 99

Maxwell Smart:
[slaps the table] That's it, Chief.

Chief:
That's what?

Maxwell Smart:
Red means communist. Tractor means farmer. Huff and puff means tired. [sits back with a smug look on his face]

Chief:
What's that supposed to mean?

Maxwell Smart:
I don't know. Find a tired communist farmer and ask him.

Madame Verna:
What about those two little old ladies you followed?

KAOS Agent #1:
They seemed harmless enough. They went directly from here to the racetrack.

KAOS Agent #2:
Where did you shoot me?

Maxwell Smart:
Left chest.

KAOS Agent #2:
Ah! Good!

Maxwell Smart:
Good?

KAOS Agent #2:
As a KAOS agent, I get double indemnity for getting shot above the waist.

Maxwell Smart:
Double indemnity for being shot only once?

KAOS Agent #2:
Not only that, if I'm shot and I don't die instantly my family gets an additional 25 per cent for suffering...

Maxwell Smart:
Unbelievable.

KAOS Agent #2:
And if I survive my wounds, I get a guaranteed six weeks convalescence leave with pay.

Maxwell Smart:
With pay? You gotta be putting me on.

KAOS Agent #2:
Not only that, we get to stay free in any resort on our KAOS credit card, American plan. Three superb meals a day. Tennis, golf, bingo parties, dance lessons and... free... funerals. [finally succumbs to his wounds]

Maxwell Smart:
Lucky devil. Bingo parties? I didn't know KAOS was religious?

Maxwell Smart:
How do you like that? The old secret panel in the bookcase trick. How corny can you get?

KAOS Agent #1:
It fooled you, didn't it?

Maxwell Smart:
Just barely.

Chief:
Max, that's good shooting.

Maxwell Smart:
I know Chief, I got him right in the fiction section.

Billet:
Gaucho, before I went to work for KAOS... I was an actor. [indicates Goucho to shush]

Billet:
Shhh! I am going to make Mr. Smart believe our Sonic Boom machine is in South America. Before I am through he will call his Chief and tell him that.

Gaucho:
[playing with his gun] I don't understand, I'm just a simple killer.

Agent #1:
[Max is being slapped around by the Control grill team] Agent 86, you must remember something...

Maxwell Smart:
[exasperated] Water... water... I gotta have some water.

Chief:
Here Max, this'll help [as the Chief hands him a glass of water, Max knocks it out of the Chief's hand]

Maxwell Smart:
Don't give me any water, Chief! How do you expect me to break down and talk?

Chief:
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world. Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.

Maxwell Smart:
[with emphasis] So... am I.

Chief:
Now Max, this is a dangerous one. This woman is ruthless, and a potential killer. You'll be risking your life every moment.

Chief:
And... loving it.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Thank you, eh, mister...

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, I'm sorry. [takes out a calling card] Bill Banford, president of the Ramid American Oil Company.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I've seen Mr. Banford. He's a tall, sixty year old man with grey hair, he was a guest in our hotel once.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. [takes out another card] Well how about Fred Lamister, munitions.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I think I've seen him.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. [picks another card] Harry Schlerb, toy manufacturer?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Well...

Maxwell Smart:
Mervin Gribbs, calling card manufacturer?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I've never met the man.

Maxwell Smart:
Ah! [picks up his glass] Then meet Mervin Gribbs. [they clink]

Maxwell Smart:
The old finger in the gun trick. That's the second time I've used it this month.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
You have become a nuisance, Mr. Smart, and you know what I do with nuisances?

Maxwell Smart:
You ignore them and hope they'll go away?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong. You don't ignore them and hope they'll go away?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong again.

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
I dispose of them once and for all.

Maxwell Smart:
That was my next guess.

Chief:
Mary, I don't mean to pry, but how did a nice girl like you ever get into this rotten business?

Mary 'Jack' Armstrong:
Well Thaddeus, it's a living.

99:
[Max has booked a trip to the Caribbean on a banana boat] A banana boat, is that safe?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99. In 40 years it's only had one mishap. That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes.

99:
But that's terrible!

Maxwell Smart:
Not really, fortunately a sugar boat came along.

Maxwell Smart:
I don't understand it, Chief, I thought that joining the naval reserve was part of our cover as spies, I never dreamed that they'd call us up for active duty.

Chief:
Well that's because they don't know we're spies. Control is such a super secret organization that even the army and navy don't know we excist.

Maxwell Smart:
Well I still don't think it's fair, I mean after all, they never draft the CIA.

Chief:
Well that's because the CIA isn't a secret organization. It's supposed to be, but it's not.

Chief:
Jos? Vargas is going to be in Washington this week. He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him.

Maxwell Smart:
Well I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon.

Chief:
Max, Jos? Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh that Jos? Vargas, well he's a member of the S.S.S.

Chief:
The S.S.S., S.S.S.

Maxwell Smart:
The S.S.S., S.S.S., S.S.S?

Chief:
The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. The Spanish Securita Saff, seeve, secret service, secret Spanish staff, the - he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief. The fellow with the little mustache and the big Chihuahua.

Chief:
No Max, the little Chihuahua. Big mustache.

Maxwell Smart:
His little Chihuahua has a big mustache?

99:
Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much, I'll write to you every day.

Maxwell Smart:
I'll write to you twice a day, 99.

99:
That'll be an awful lot of letters, Max.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon. It will give us something to do.

Chief:
I suffer from acrophobia.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Fear of acrobats?

Chief:
No, fear of high places.

Maxwell Smart:
[looking at a photograph] So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Palmeter his life.

Agent 99:
The millionaire art director? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird?

Maxwell Smart:
Several times. When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailer in the city of Tequila, Mexico. Then 10 years later it was stolen by a Chinese accountant. At the age of 52 Permetta was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut. Then 10 years later it mysteriously disappeared again. He spend the next 50 years searching for it.

Agent 99:
You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max. How did he die?

Maxwell Smart:
Old age.

Chief:
Cash in that train ticket I gave you.

Maxwell Smart:
What train ticket?

Chief:
Didn't I give you a train ticket to Dakoma?

Maxwell Smart:
you gave me a tramway ticket to Tahachame.

Chief:
[interrupting] Now stop it, right there, I don't wanna get involved in any of those tongue twisters with you, Max, the last time I did it, I couldn't talk for two days.

Maxwell Smart:
Yes sir, the one thing you never wanna do is to pull a horses tooth when he's standing up.

Dietrick:
[Max has just thrown a glass of tequila in his own face] You forgot to open your mouth, doctor.

Maxwell Smart:
Ah yes, I, I did that deliberately, you see, I decided that I had had enough.

Valdez:
There she is, Senor Dietrick: the Tequila Mockingbird.

Dietrick:
Beautiful! Beautiful! Superb...

Dietrick:
Si, magnifico!

Maxwell Smart:
Not bad.

Bobo:
The spy network is just a front. The real money is in the laundry.

Maxwell Smart:
Who's that?

Policeman:
That's Hoo.

Maxwell Smart:
Who's who?

Policeman:
He's Hoo.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, he's who. What are you talking about?

Maxwell Smart:
Tell me, Mr. Hoo, do all Hawaiian detectives wear white suits?

Harry Hoo:
No, I began to wear white suit in Hawaii when I was employee of... ice cream firm.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, they're very attractive.

Harry Hoo:
[laughs politely] You should see my cleaning bills.

Harry Hoo:
Tell me, Mr. Smart, how you think murder was committed?

Maxwell Smart:
Two possibilities. One: he was killed by a 22 caliber pistol at long range by a short man who was a stranger to him.

Harry Hoo:
Or?

Maxwell Smart:
He was killed at close range by a knife used by a woman he knew who was over six feet tall.

Harry Hoo:
Amazing...

Agent 99:
[Chuck has slipped on a bananaskin and fell of the rooftop] Oh, Max isn't that ironic? It took a modern jungle to kill that beast.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
No, 99, 't was beauty who killed the beast.

Agent 99:
Beauty? Oh, Max, thank you.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Oh, I didn't mean you, 99 'Beauty' is the brand name of these bananas.

Chuck Armstrong:
Control agents are blocking both ends of the street. There's a squad of Control agents surrounding the entire building. We got seven Control Agents in the apartments facing this building. We've asked the CIA for an agent to help us out. He's stationed on the window ledge of the 81st floor of the Kensington Building which overlooks the entire area.

Roberts:
On the 81st floor? that's dangerous, he could fall off.

Chuck Armstrong:
That's why we asked for a CIA agent.

Dr. Matthew Rath:
One year ago, I took a full grown mature ape, and through a series of injections, transformed him so he looks human. But in his brain is the savagery and the killer instinct of a gorilla.

Otto Cronin:
It is absolutely amazing!

Dr. Matthew Rath:
I'll tell you what else is amazing, Cronin.

Otto Cronin:
What?

Dr. Matthew Rath:
That you and I can be here like this and converse in a German accent for hour after hour, and neither one of us is German.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
I don't understand, Chief, what kind of an ape could be intelligent enough to put a banana in the mail?

Larabee:
Probably one that worked in the post office.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
That's ridiculous, Larabee.

Larabee:
I understand during the Christmas rush they'll hire anything.

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
That's right, Armstrong: the old fake fingertips on the fire escape trick.

Maxwell Smart:
Now remember doctor, I want you to wipe everything from your memory.

Dr. Fish:
Wipe everything from my memory. Eh... even my twelve dollars?

Maxwell Smart:
Especially your twelve dollars.

Maxwell Smart:
[talking to the Chief on his plant phone] Hello Chief? Max. Eh, listen chief, you know that dead cowboy I told you about?

Maxwell Smart:
[pause] Yeah, well, he's dead again.

Maxwell Smart:
[another pause] That's not nice, Chief.

Mrs. Dawson:
Do you know what time it is, Mr. Smart?

Maxwell Smart:
[thinking she has a sprained ankle] Yes, but I knew that you'd still be up with your ankle.

Mrs. Dawson:
I'm rarely up without it.

Maxwell Smart:
Now eh, I hope you didn't have to walk all the way to the door.

Mrs. Dawson:
No, I took a bus from the living room.

Maxwell Smart:
Mr. Ambassador, they're trying to kill you. The dead cowboy told me. [pointing his finger at the Ambassador's chest for emphasis] They killed him twice!

Maxwell Smart:
[having just learned the Chief's real first name] Thaddeus? Sorry about that, Chief...

Maxwell Smart:
Well, your honor, my case is complete. This is your villain. This is your culprit [the Cowboy draws a gun] and this is his gun.

Maxwell Smart:
[the Cowboy is about to jump out of a window] Don't be a fool. It's five stories straight down to a hard pavement.

Cowboy:
I'm in a hurry.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Well, that is the quickest way down.

Maxwell Smart:
[Cowboy has jumped from a window, certain there is a KAOS truck full of matrasses waiting for him below] Missed it by that much.

Maxwell Smart:
Listen, I once knew a guy who had a knife in his heart, and lived, for 15 years! Would you believe it? 15 years!

Cowboy:
That's hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe 15 minutes?

Cowboy:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about a pin in his nose?

Cowboy:
You're just trying to cheer me up.

Maxwell Smart:
[99 is lying on a conveyor belt tied to a surfboard] 99, this is no time to go surfing.

Sonja:
Well, I see you last worked as an airline stewardess.

99:
That's right.

Sonja:
Oh, what was your reason for leaving?

99:
I got married.

Sonja:
Oh. Oh, and the airlines wouldn't let you fly any more?

99:
No, my husband wouldn't. He's an airplaine mechanic.

Maxwell Smart:
Ok Chief, you can count on me. I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless retaurant in town.

Chief:
Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant.

Maxwell Smart:
They wouldn't?

Chief:
No.

Maxwell Smart:
Well where would they store them?

Chief:
I don't know.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh, well in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants.

Chief:
[holding up a double pistol] Do you know what this is is?

Maxwell Smart:
Sure, it's a twelve shooter.

Chief:
Max, this is KAOS' secret weapon. It's a stereophonic pistol.

Maxwell Smart:
[grabs the pistol] A stereophonic pistol? That's fantastic, Chief. You mean you can shoot a bullet from this barrel, and you can shoot a bullet from this barrel and if you stand in between, it's just like being there in person.

Chief:
Something like that.

Chief:
Over budget or no over budget, I can't afford to lay off 5 agents. There must be some mistake.

Larabee:
Sorry Chief, but you know this computer, it doesn't make mistakes.

Chief:
Oh, then why did it pick Egypt over Israel in the Six Day War?

Larabee:
Who didn't?

Maxwell Smart - Agent 86:
Chief, I think Willie has one of your headaches...

Chief of Control:
[The Chief, Max and Parker are deciphering the dead spy scrawls] 'P.I.'

Maxwell Smart:
I think I've got it, Chief. It's really quite simple, Parker. You see the Electronic Brain is located somewhere in the Philippine Islands.

Parker:
Wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
Wrong.

Chief of Control:
'Paid Informer'.

Parker:
Right.

Maxwell Smart:
Right.

Shark:
Remember, the family that plays together stays together.

Maxwell Smart:
[on Shoephone] Hello Chief? Max. The informer has just been killed but he left us a clue and I didn't have to pay a cent for it.

Maxwell Smart:
[listen to the Chief's answer] No, I don't have the entire 2,000 dollars, I have 1,500 of it. Well of course I didn't lose it, Chief, what do you think I am, stupid? I spend the other 500 for a package of gum.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I'm your man, Chief. This is my assignment.

Chief of Control:
Max, this is extremely dangerous, you'd be on the spot, walking a tightrope. Possibly facing a violent death.

Maxwell Smart:
And... loving it!

Maxwell Smart:
You see, I happen to be an expert at this game. As a matter of fact, I happen to be the pool champion of the entire East Coast. Would you believe it? The entire East Coast.

Willie:
I find that hard to believe.

Maxwell Smart:
Would you believe the West Coast?

Willie:
I don't think so.

Maxwell Smart:
How about Stubensville Ohio?

Shark:
Hey, the only man I ever saw make that kind of a shot was the great pool champion "Three Fingers" Yarmy.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh, yes, as a matter of fact I, eh, just stole it off 'em last week.

Shark:
Last week? He's been dead for six years.

Maxwell Smart:
Oh. Good. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm sorry I'm late, Chief, but I was stuck in the car for almost twenty minutes.

Chief:
I know, 86. The traffic.

Maxwell Smart:
No, the seat belt. I can never get that darn thing unbuckled.

Agent 99:
[on the verge of crying] I'm sorry Max, It's just that we've had so little time together.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, it couldn't be helped, 99. After all, there are no holidays in the fight against evil.

Maxwell Smart:
Don't worry, about me, there's no torture invented that could make me crack. I'm impervious to pain.

Chief:
Good luck, Max [they shake hands]

Maxwell Smart:
Aah!

Chief:
What's the matter?

Maxwell Smart:
You squeezed my pinky!

Maxwell Smart:
What are you so grouchy about today?

Agent 13:
[hiding in a trash can] Because I didn't sleep a wink last night, that's why. Every time I dozed off somebody dropped garbage on me.

Maxwell Smart:
There are worse assignments than this. I once knew an agent who was locked in a washing machine for three days.

Agent 13:
That was me, 86!

Maxwell Smart:
Yes, I forgot

Agent 13:
I came out so wrinkled I had to iron my skin.

Maxwell Smart:
Of course. The old gas bomb in the horoscope trick.

Hugo:
Come on, let's get going.

Maxwell Smart:
What makes you think I'm going with you?

Hugo:
The old gun in the hand trick. [reveals gun in his hand]

Maxwell Smart:
Good trick!

Luden:
Let's torture him.

Kimmel:
No, that is not necessary. Mr. Smart is a reasonable man, are you not?

Maxwell Smart:
I are not.

Luden:
You and your serum! Let's torture!

Chief:
What's happening?

Control Agent:
I'm having trouble with the reception.

Chief:
KAOS may be jamming the frequency.

Control Agent:
All the keep getting is Lawrence Welk music.

Chief:
KAOS has no mercy.

Maxwell Smart:
99, everything that I believe in, everything that I hold sacred, is based upon my believe in the honesty and nobility of my fellow agents. And that believe is unshakable, unarguable, and incontrovertible.

Maxwell Smart:
[pause] Of course, I could be wrong.

Maxwell Smart:
[under the influence of truth serum] Two times one is two. Two times two is four. Two times three is six. Two times four is eight. Two times five is ten. Two times six is twelve. Two times seven is... Two times seven is...

Luden:
Fourteen, stupid!

Maxwell Smart:
Two times seven is fourteen, stupid.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm getting complaints from the landlord about the gun battles in the hall, and the bombs in the lobby, and the knife fights in the elevator.

Chief:
Well, when you rent an apartment to a secret agent, you've got to expect those things.

Maxwell Smart:
But Chief, he doesn't know I'm a secret agent.

Chief:
Well, how then do you explain people attacking you and shooting at you?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I told him I work for the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Agent 13:
It's a lucky thing for me you were in there. [hiding in cigarette machine] I've been in here for 72 hours without a break.

Maxwell Smart:
72 hours? You must be starved.

Agent 13:
No, but I'm dying for a smoke.

KAOS Chief:
Our stock is dropping rapidly. It hasn't been this low since the day Hitler died.

Sidney:
We must kidnap professor Whitaker and make him divulge the secret rocket formula and sell it on the open market.

KAOS Chief:
Otherwise there'll be no Christmas bonus come Mussolini's birthday.

KAOS Chief:
I give you opportunity after opportunity and yet you keep failing [slaps desk] . So why do I keep giving you another chance? Sydney? Tell me why.

Sidney:
I don't know Uncle Boris.

Chain:
[Max, Chain and the professor can hear a bomb ticking] It's coming from the desk...

Maxwell Smart:
[to Whitaker] It's coming from the desk.

Prof. Whitaker:
[to Chain] It's coming from the desk.

Chain:
It's dumming from the cesk.

Maxwell Smart:
It's dumming from the cesk? What are you talking about?

KAOS Chief:
If we can't have the formula, nobody else will. Professor Whitaker must be killed! [hits desk again]

Sidney:
But we can't get into Control Headquarters to kill him.

KAOS Chief:
Then we must find a way to draw him out of the building before he completes the transmission. But how... how? Does anybody here have an answer?

Sidney:
What would make him walk out of a meeting of such importance?

KAOS Chief:
Sidney... Sidney I asked for an answer, not a question.

Naomi Farkas:
I can't get over how many locks you have on your door.

99:
Oh well, Max leaves me alone a lot and he likes to think that I'm safe.

Naomi Farkas:
Oh well, you're lucky to have a husband who cares. When Emil goes out, he leaves the key on top of the mat.

Naomi Farkas:
Look who's talking, Mr. Suave. Who wears his socks to bed.

Emil Farkas:
I only do that so I won't get my feet dirty from the sheets.

Emil Farkas:
Look, the only reason I eat this food is because the garbage man refuses to take it away.

Maxwell Smart:
I'm not eating any more of this stuff.[gets up from the table with the mouse]

Chief:
Where are you going?

Maxwell Smart:
I'm gonna dump it in this plant over here. [goes back to table and sits down] No, I'd better not it might kill it.

Chief:
That's a plastic plant.

Maxwell Smart:
I know but it might kill it anyway.

Naomi Farkas:
[holding a gun to 99's head] Keep your voice down, honey and don't yell for your husband. You might as well know, we're KAOS.

Emil Farkas:
You're holding a gun on her and I'm taking pictures of secret documents. Who else would she think we were, Sonny and Cher?

Miss U.S.A.:
Mr. Smart, I'm in terrible danger, aren't I?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Tisha, but don't you worry about it, you're in good hands. You'll be protected 24 hours around the clock by a Control agent who is highly intelligent, extremely perceptive and absolutely fearless.

Miss U.S.A.:
Oh.

Maxwell Smart:
What's the matter?

Miss U.S.A.:
Well I was hoping it would be you.

Maxwell Smart:
Tisha, there's an organization of shrewd determined men who've been trying to get control of this country for a number of years. Perhaps you've heard of them?

Miss U.S.A.:
Oh, you mean the Republicans?

Chief:
No. We mean KAOS.

Miss U.S.A.:
KAOS?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes. a monstrous organization of evil, dedicated to the destruction of the free world and the systematic subjugation of every man, woman and child on this planet.

Miss U.S.A.:
Oh, my daddy wouldn't work for them, he hates to see children subjugated.

Chief:
Miss USA, it's obvious you're in great danger. I must recommend that you withdraw from the contest.

Miss U.S.A.:
Withdraw from the contest? Well I can't I simply can't!

Chief:
But your life may be at stake.

Miss U.S.A.:
It doesn't matter. I love this contest and all that it stands for: beauty, cooperation, friendliness and ten thousand dollars in prize money.

Chief:
Max, whatever you do, remember rule 5 of code 19.

Maxwell Smart:
Eh... I've forgotten rule 5, Chief. But I know rule 6.

Chief:
Rule 6?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Chief. Rule 6 states that all Control agents must memorize Rule 5 before proceeding to rule 6.

Chief:
Max?

Maxwell Smart:
Yes Chief?

Chief:
Do the words 'get out' mean anything to you?

Maxwell Smart:
Bye. [gets up and leaves]

Miss U.S.A.:
Golly, gee! That wasn't very nice, was it?

Maxwell Smart:
No it wasn't. But I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha. In the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.

Miss U.S.A.:
Well, after all it is my third beauty contest.

Transmanian Chaperone:
Comrade, we are all members of KAOS.

Miss Formosa:
That is true. But your brand of KAOS is weak and confused. Only in our country is there pure KAOS.

Miss U.S.A.:
They're after me! They tried to kidnap me! Don't let them get me. Please, you must help me.

Maxwell Smart:
There there, now. You're perfectly safe here. Now, why don't you just sit back here and relax and tell me who you are?

Miss U.S.A.:
I... I'm Miss United States.

Maxwell Smart:
[with a confused expression] Miss "United States"? That's an odd name for a girl.

Miss U.S.A.:
Well, it's just my title. My real name is Tisha. I came to town for the beauty contest.

Chief:
Uh, Miss Heinschmidt, do you think you could identify the men who tried to kidnap you last night?

Miss U.S.A.:
I'm afraid not. It was dark. I couldn't see.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, I can confirm that, Chief. Last night was a very dark night!

Chief:
[addressing Tisha] Miss Heinschmidt...

Miss U.S.A.:
[interrupting] Would you call me "Miss USA"? It sounds so much nicer than "Miss Heinschmidt".

Miss U.S.A.:
Gosh, Mr. Smart, you're too nice to be a secret agent.

Maxwell Smart:
Well, there are good secret agents and there are bad secret agents.

Miss U.S.A.:
There are? Well, what's the difference?

Maxwell Smart:
Well, the good secret agents are on our side. The bad secret agents are on their side.

Maxwell Smart:
I must say that you've handled yourself very well, Tisha, in the midst of all this violence and horror and deceit.

Miss U.S.A.:
Well, after all, this is my third beauty contest.

Agent 99:
Max, that knife missed you by inches.

Maxwell Smart:
You think it's some kind of a warning?

Wanda:
[sign] The Grateful Dead are alive and living in Beverly Hills.

Maxwell Smart:
[countersign] Simon and Garfunkel fell off the Tallahatchie Bridge. Agent 86.

Wanda:
I'm hip. Courier 12.

Maxwell Smart:
Did you get the information on the Groovy Guru?