Gilmore Girls

[ S7 episode 2 ("that's what you get, Folks, for making whoopie"]

Year:
2000
3,907 Views

[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in]

Lorelai:
Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.

Rory:
Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.

Lorelai:
Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.

Rory:
Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.

Lorelai:
[dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it. [on phone] Hey Mom!

Emily:
Well, hello.

Lorelai:
So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?

Emily:
No, she did not.

Lorelai:
Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.

Emily:
Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.

Lorelai:
Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.

Emily:
Well, good for you.

Lorelai:
Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.

Emily:
Excuse me?

Lorelai:
Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.

Emily:
Lorelai, you can't be serious.

Lorelai:
Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.

Emily:
This is ridiculous.

Lorelai:
Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?

Emily:
All right.

Lorelai:
Start measuring. [hangs up]

Rory:
You feel better now?

Lorelai:
Waffle's very happy.

[Emily's friend 'Sweetie' has just passed away]

Lorelai:
Was that her real name - Sweetie?

Emily:
No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.

Lorelai:
Why?

Emily:
What do you mean, why?

Lorelai:
I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?

Emily:
They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.

Lorelai:
Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.

Emily:
She was sweet. That's the story.

Lorelai:
Okay.

Emily:
She had a very sweet nature.

Lorelai:
Hmm.

Emily:
Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?

Lorelai:
No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.

Emily:
No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?

Lorelai:
Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's...

Emily:
All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man - so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?

Lorelai:
Now, that was a pretty good story.

[Luke and Lorelai's first real date; they have just read a long story on the back of a menu, hence the menu line]

Lorelai:
Hey, do you remember the first time we met?

Luke:
What?

Lorelai:
I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?

Luke:
[nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...

Lorelai:
Ooh, is it me? Is it me?

Luke:
This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.

Lorelai:
[happily] Ooh, it's me.

Luke:
I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.

Lorelai:
Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.

Luke:
She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.

Lorelai:
God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?

Luke:
So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written 'You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.' I gave her coffee.

Lorelai:
[grins] But she didn't go away.

Luke:
She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me - [takes a piece of paper from his wallet and gives it to her] one day it would bring me luck.

Lorelai:
[teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee [reads it, grows serious] Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? [sees his face] You kept this in your wallet.

Luke:
Eight years.

Lorelai:
[emotionally] Eight years.

French Businessman:
[walks up to the front desk] Bonjour, monsieur. Vous ?tes Fran?ais? Vous parlez Fran?ais? [Hello, sir. Are you French, do you speak French?]

Michel:
No, sorry.

French Businessman:
Mais vous avez une accent Fran?ais. Vous parlez pas Fran?ais? [but you have a French accent. Don't you speak French?]

Michel:
Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this "Fran?ais" business you're babbling about.

Lorelai:
[approaches] Pardon. [takes Michel aside] He knows you are not from Texas.

Michel:
[looking over at the businessmen] Smile when you say that.

Lorelai:
Michel, I told you there would be a French group here for a couple of days, and it's your job to keep them happy.

Michel:
Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.

Lorelai:
[sarcastically] Really?

Michel:
Mm. That is why I left France.

Lorelai:
Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.

Michel:
Never. [turns away from Lorelai, she just glares at him] You are giving me that look, aren't you? Your patented "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look. [pause, sighs] Fine, I shall be French, but I shall not be happy.

Lorelai:
Then you will be yourself. Good choice.

Michel:
[trudges over to the businessmen] Bonjour, messieurs. Je m'appelle Michel, ce soir pour vous aider. [Hello, gentlemen, my name is Michel, I am here to assist you]

French Businessman:
[laughs] Vous avez fait un blague to?t . l'heure! Tr?s dr?le, tr?s dr?le, Michel! [you played a joke just now! Very funny, very funny!] [kisses both his cheeks]

Michel:
[pretends to laugh, to Lorelai] Kill me now.

Richard:
Logan!

Logan:
Huh? Richard! [stands up to shake his hand] Wow, this is a pleasant surprise! Finn, Colin, you know Richard, don't you?

Richard:
[shakes thier hands] Why, hello, boys. Nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident.

Logan:
The...

Richard:
I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory.

Logan:
[shocked] Wha-?

Richard:
Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine, as is the Dean of admissions. Well, you know this place, news travels fast.

Logan:
Yeah, look...

Richard:
I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them.

Logan:
No, I know, I...

Richard:
However, what's done is done. It's out. So I dropped by to tell you that I have spoken to your father.

Logan:
My father?

Richard:
We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.

Logan:
Okay, I think that there's been...

Richard:
Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony. [Logan is in shock] Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.

Logan:
But...

Richard:
She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan, welcome to the family, son. [Richard turns and thumbs his nose in Rory's direction, who has watched the entire scene. She and Richard meet in the hall, laughing] I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it.

Rory:
You're the best, Grandpa!

Richard:
All right, who's next? Paris giving you any trouble?

Rory:
Not anymore than usual. [They walk down the hall together] However, there is a girl in my modern poetry class who keeps kicking my chair.

Richard:
Ah, I do love this place.

Rory:
Right back at you, Grandpa.

Lorelai Gilmore:
[Taylor is making Lorelai's renovation project difficult] That's it! [She grabs Taylor's lapels]

Taylor Doose:
Lorelai, watch it. I've got church later.

Lorelai Gilmore:
What did I do to make you torture me like this, Taylor?

Taylor Doose:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Lorelai Gilmore:
The hoops! The hoops with the jumping and the fire and the hoops!

Taylor Doose:
It's just business, Lorelai.

Lorelai Gilmore:
I pay to shop in your store. I eat your banana splits. I've never physically hurt you... except for that one spit wad in the one town meeting, but I didn't mean for it to hit your eye and I apologized profusely, so please, please, put me out of my misery and tell me what I need to do to make this thing happen!

Taylor Doose:
I want an ice cream truck!

Lorelai Gilmore:
What?

Taylor Doose:
I want to sell ice cream off a truck in the summer. I want to park it in front of the soda shop. I want to ring the bell on it every day at noon, but the only place I can park it is the space that's partly in front of Luke's diner.

Lorelai Gilmore:
So?

Taylor Doose:
You have pull with Luke.

Lorelai Gilmore:
I guess, maybe.

Taylor Doose:
You're friends.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Yes.

Taylor Doose:
You can get him to agree to this.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Use my pull.

Taylor Doose:
If you don't mind.

Lorelai Gilmore:
So if I get Luke to agree to this, the madness stops?

Taylor Doose:
If that's what you want to call it.

Lorelai Gilmore:
The work begins and the porch goes?

Taylor Doose:
All expedited, nice and neat.

Lorelai Gilmore:
An ice cream truck?

Taylor Doose:
An ice cream truck.

Lorelai Gilmore:
[She lets go of Taylor] You can go.

Lorelai Gilmore:
I just wanted to tell you that there was no mistake with your Yale check.

Richard Gilmore:
There wasn't?

Lorelai Gilmore:
No um, they sent you back your check because Yale has already been paid for.

Emily Gilmore:
By whom?

Lorelai Gilmore:
By Christopher.

Emily Gilmore:
Christopher who?

Lorelai Gilmore:
Christopher Isherwood. That "cabaret" money was burning a hole in his pocket. You know what Christopher, mom... His grandfather passed away recently and left him some money and he just wanted to do something for Rory. He's trying to be a dad for once. I thought it seemed like a good idea. [Emily slams down the phone]

Lorelai Gilmore:
Hello? Guys, are you there?

Richard Gilmore:
[deflated] I'm here, Lorelai. Your mother had to go.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Oh, dad, please don't read too much into this. I mean, when was the last time Christopher wanted to do anything for Rory? He wants to contribute. This is a good thing... This is not a snub, dad, I swear. Rory and I are so grateful for everything you and mom have done, all the help you've given her. She would not be in Yale right now if it weren't for you and she would never have gone to Chilton. She would have graduated Stars Hollow high and then gone to community college and then beauty school.

Richard Gilmore:
I have to go, Lorelai.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Dad!

Richard Gilmore:
I appreciate the phone call. I simply wish it had come before I called every person in the bursar's office a moron.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Well... if it will make you feel any better, odds are, at least two of them truly deserved it

Luke:
I ran into Taylor at the market. I found out he owns the building that apartment was in.

Lorelai:
No way.

Luke:
That and several others in town.

Lorelai:
So weird.

Luke:
He is systematically buying up the town. He is gonna turn it into Taylorville where everyone wears cardigans and have the same grass height.

Lorelai:
Do you want to sit [interupted by Luke]

Luke:
And then he told me he is gonna buy the building next to the diner , turn it into a plate shop for freaks who don't have enough brain power to collect stamps! I lost it!

Lorelai:
I can't picture that.

Luke:
I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy. I bought one of those Belgian waffles with the ice cream dipped in chocolate.

Lorelai:
You ate that?

Luke:
No, I didn't eat it. I am upset, not suicidal! I just know I had to do something. I had your voice going round and round in my head.

Lorelai:
Yeah it's kinda like the Small World Song.

Luke:
[imitating Lorelai] "Take a chance Luke. Make a move Luke. Can't have a single bed Luke." So I bought the building!

Lorelai:
You, you what?

Luke:
I went to the bank, got a cashier's check, signed the papers and I bought the building. I am the building's owner. I own the building.

Lorelai:
I heard. Okay don't worry, you can still get out of it. You can go back and tell them you lost your mind. Or I bet you could sell it to Taylor.

Luke:
Yeah.

Lorelai:
So relax. You can still get out of this, unless you don't want to get out of this.

Luke:
Oh no, I wanna get out of this. Why would I not want to get out of this?

Lorelai:
Oh well, owning that building gives you some options.

Luke:
Like?

Lorelai:
Like, you could expand Luke's if you wanted to. Or you could rent it to someone else. Someone else who might drive Taylor crazy.

Luke:
Maybe I should think about this.

Lorelai:
Sure, sleep on it.

Luke:
Sleep on it, right.

Taylor Doose:
Townspeople, we should all be proud of the new addition to our streets. I know many of you have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk for many years...

Luke Danes:
What?

Taylor Doose:
- And now, your dream has come true.

Luke Danes:
It's like Hitler's Germany!

Taylor Doose:
Luke!

Luke Danes:
You're trying to brainwash us, Taylor. Telling us we want something that we don't, and not giving us any choice.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Luke, shush! We're planning.

Luke Danes:
I heard, and you're idiots if you don't eat first.

Taylor Doose:
Everybody, let me segue into the informational portion of our gathering. If I can turn your attention to the pole here, you will see a yellow button with an instructional panel right above it.

Miss Patty:
Oh my God. That's the biggest yellow button I've ever seen.

Taylor Doose:
Now if you'll read the panel above the button, you'll learn how the system works.

Miss Patty:
[reading the sign] To cross street, push yellow button, wait for walk signal. When signal reads WALK, step into street and proceed to the other side.

Luke Danes:
It's written for morons.

Babette Dell:
In big stupid letters too!

Morey Dell:
I hate being infantilized.

Taylor Doose:
Does no one here care about this fate of near accidents we have suffered over the past year?

Luke Danes:
NEAR accidents. Meaning they didn't happen.

Taylor Doose:
Just because they didn't happen doesn't mean that we shouldn't ward against them.

Luke Danes:
There's lots of things that don't happen that we don't ward against.

Taylor Doose:
Like?

Luke Danes:
Like... everything.

Taylor Doose:
So that everything doesn't happen here, meaning nothing happens?

Luke Danes:
No, it's - It's not nothing happens. Stuff happens. It's that it... it's not everything that's... it's... Damn it, Taylor!

Taylor Doose:
Ha!

Rory:
Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes and seconds and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is, because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who've been my mentors, so many people who've shaped my life, and my fellow students lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric, but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars, without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore.

Sookie St. James:
Uh, oh ...

Lorelai Gilmore:
Hang in there.

Rory:
My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.

Sookie St. James:
Not crying.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Crying a little.

Sookie St. James:
Crying a little, but not blubbering. That's what we meant when we said no crying. No blubbering.

Rory:
Thank you, Mom: you are my guidepost for everything.

Sookie St. James:
On the verge of blubbering here.

Jackson Belleville:
Not doing too well myself.

Lorelai Gilmore:
Not you, too.

Luke Danes:
I'm blubbering. You're freaks!

Rory:
Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students,family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes, and seconds, and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors - so many people who have shaped my life and my fellow students' lives impermeably and forever. I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior. My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything. Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild. But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore.

Sookie:
Uh oh.

Lorelai:
Hang in there.

Rory:
My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.

Lorelai:
[Explaining her Halloween plans] I want to do a skit.

Luke:
Skit?

Lorelai:
Yes, I want to be a mad scientist. I'm gonna come out in a blood-stained white lab coat and freaky makeup and big, giant, Don King kind of hairdo, and I'm going to turn the whole front yard into my laboratory.

Luke:
Wow.

Lorelai:
Yes, I'm gonna have a huge electric chair and an operating table and test tubes and wires.

Luke:
Sounds elaborate.

Lorelai:
But you haven't heard the half of it, okay? And so I come out and I do mad scientist "banter", like, "Hey, who here is from Bellevue?" and "'Girl Interrupted'? Now that's my idea of a feel-good movie". I'll work on it. But anyway, after that, I'm gonna drag you out.

Luke:
WHAT?

Lorelai:
You're strapped in an electric chair, and I'm gonna throw the switch and totally electrocute you. And you're flailing around. We'll rig something where smoke and sparks shoot out of your nose. And then once you're dead, I'll throw you onto the operating table and I'll cut you open, and I pull link sausages out of you and throw them into the crowd.

Luke:
That's it?

Lorelai:
Well, I mean, we can take a bow or something, but, yeah, that's it.

Luke:
Okay. Uh, just a couple of questions here. Once you've electrocuted me, and I'm dead, um, how exactly do I get to the operating table?

Lorelai:
Huh. Good question. Maybe I can position the operating table like right near the electric chair so I can just flop you over onto it after you die.

Luke:
Okay, let's say we work that out. Now I'm on the table. You're gonna cut me open with what?

Lorelai:
A big, rusty saw.

Luke:
And then you're gonna pull link sausages out of me.

Lorelai:
Real slow and creepy like.

Luke:
Okay, great. Last question. Uh, what are the odds of you getting me to do a skit where you electrocute me, cut me open, and pull link sausages out of me? 'Cause I'm thinking they're right up there with Pia Zadora making a big comeback.

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