Good Eats

[Proposes sending a joke gift to fellow TV cook show host Emeril Lagasse]

Alton Brown:
Listen, here it is, okay? We're going to send the Ginsus to Emeril, right? But on the little 'From' thing, the label, we'll say it's from the Iron Chefs.

[repeated line]

Alton Brown:
Now that's a _____ I could love.

Alton Brown:
Catch phrase, "Golden brown and delicious".

Alton Brown:
Catch phrase, "... bring flavor to the party".

Alton Brown:
Catch phrase about something inedible or icky, "... which are definitley not good eats."

Alton Brown:
Your patience will be rewarded.

[repeated line]

Alton Brown:
Oh, bother!

[repeated line]

Alton Brown:
Can't you just smell that? Oh I'm sorry you can't.

Alton Brown:
But that's another show... [when talking about a similar recipe or ingredient which doesn't fit into the current show. Also, occasionally said by other characters]

Alton Brown:
Like the hat?

Chuck:
There's so much meat. I'm afraid.

Alton Brown:
Aww, don't be. Just, uh, think like your Mom would.

Chuck:
Okay. Put on a sweater...

Alton Brown:
About the meat, I mean.

Chuck:
Don't change the subject, Mister.

Alton Brown:
Ha, ha. Look, during really tough times your Mom would have bought the cheapest cut of beef she could have found. Just do the same thing.

Chuck:
Okay. That one's 29 cents.

Alton Brown:
That's soup bones. What we need is chuck.

Chuck:
Aw, that's nice of you to say.

Alton Brown:
The meat, I mean, is chuck.

Chuck:
Is?

Alton Brown:
Chuck.

Chuck:
Yeah?

Alton Brown:
I'm trying to tell you the name of the meat.

Chuck:
So what's stopping you?

Alton Brown:
Chuck.

Chuck:
No, I'm the one that needs to know.

Alton Brown:
The best thing for pot roast is chuck.

Chuck:
But I don't even know how to cook it!

Alton Brown:
See, chuck.

Chuck:
Yeah! What is it?

[Alton leaves]

Chuck:
Mr. Brown. Where are you going?

Host:
[walking with a cleaver toward a rooster in a cage] Okay, Mr. Rooster, time to learn about your place in the old food chain.

Koko Karl:
[From inside a high security cell] Well, well, well. Look what the cat drug in.

Host:
Hello, Koko.

Koko Karl:
To what do I owe the honor? Do tell.

Koko Karl:
[Alton holds up a Captain Power Protein Puck] Hmmm. How nice. You brought Karl a goodie. Hmmm, a Captain Power Protein Puck, no less.

Host:
You know, Karl, I never would have figured you for health food.

Koko Karl:
[amused] Healthy? Maybe for the Captain's bank account.

Host:
What do you mean?

Koko Karl:
No no. That won't do. Quid pro quo, my dear AB.

Host:
All right. Quid pro quo the wrapper. [passes the wrapper through the air hole]

Koko Karl:
[takes the wrapper and smells it] Mmmm, yes. A few of my favorite things. [smells again] High fructose corn syrup. Oh, lots and lots of sodium, and [smells again] oh, oh, lovely [smells again, with more passion] , luscious, palm kernel oil.

Host:
What's the big deal with palm oil?

Koko Karl:
It's the only fully saturated fat that stays liquid at room temperature!

Host:
That means that products that contain it can remain moist and unctuous, and still have the shelf life of uranium.

Koko Karl:
[condescendingly] Nice. It can learn.

Host:
You know, saturated fats are bad for you. [holds up the Power Puck]

Koko Karl:
[drops the wrapper and eyes the Power Puck longingly] Only if you eat them.

Host:
Well, at least this one's packed full of protein [passes the Power Puck through the air hole]

Koko Karl:
[sucks on one end of it] That's because it's been hydrolyzed.

Host:
What do you mean?

Koko Karl:
Extracted from cow hooves and skins [makes sucking sounds]

Host:
Guess that's your way of saying it's low quality, then?

Koko Karl:
Like eating glue, only tastier. [speaks lovingly to the Power Puck] Ohh, Captain, you're a bad boy, yes you are. You're a ba... [begins to eat the bar somewhat ravenously] Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy my sugar rush in private. [laughs maniacally]

W:
[referring to Cousin Ray] That man is going to kill someone!

Host:
No, the state of Illinois says that he's completely rehabilitated.

Alton Brown:
Stuffing is evil.

Himself - Host:
You know, I think it's safe to say John Wayne ate steak. I mean, if there's a meal more fundamentally American, we can't think of it. I mean, steak is a food born of wide open spaces and big skies. Even today, when the closest most of us come to a horse is the saddle on an exercise bike, steak still calls out to those with brave appetites. Now, sadly, firing up a steak at home can end in disappointment. Sure, we can take refuge in the great American steakhouse, but something so elemental shouldn't be alien to the home plate, and it shouldn't cost an arm and a leg. So join us as we search out the great American steak. We're gonna learn what to look for and where to find it. We're gonna outfit ourselves with some decent gear, and when we bag our prey, we're gonna cook it up the way we like it best - nice and simple. So hitch up your appetite: this is Good Eats.