Goof Troop

Peg:
Pete, this is the LOWEST you've ever stooped!

Goofy:
You're not bein' fair.

Pete:
Thanks, Goof.

Goofy:
Petey's stooped much lower than this!

Pete:
[yelling] PJ!

PJ:
You bellowed, Dad?

Max:
Dad, how long is "not long"?

Goofy:
Just hang on to your cowlick.

Goofy:
The windows are so clean you can hardly see through them.

Pete:
Isn't it amazing how much flour looks like cement.

[dough that Pete tries cooking is starting to extremely inflate]

Peg:
Oh, cherry-pick, how much cheese did you put in that dough?

Pete:
Just a pint. It says right here. [looks on a box] Oh, I guess that only says a "pinch."

Pete:
Oh, you gotta help me, Peg! Please! You gotta help me! You gotta help me! Please, please, please, don't make me beg.

Peg:
You are begging.

Pete:
Well, then, don't make me beg anymore than I half to.

Pete:
For the contest.

[catches his breath in embarrassment for letting the cat out of the bag]

Peg:
*Contest*? What contest?

Pete:
"The Mr. Spoonerville Society Help Helper's Contest."

Peg:
[she starts laughing at him in disbelief] You? Pete?

[she drops onto the bed, and laughs hysterically]

Peg:
Help, helper?

[she laughs hard a little more, then suddenly stops]

Peg:
Don't make me laugh.

[cooking dough has exploded all over Pete in front of Peg]

Pete:
Whatever you were thinking of saying, don't say it.

Goofy:
How many O's in ruthless?

Pete:
I've only got 2 hands and I've used about 3 of them.

Pete:
[thinking he's been robbed] Call the FBI, call the CIA call the PTA!

Pete:
What was the name of the unknown soldier? How many feathers does mum goose have? How much would would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

PJ:
I can't even say that.

Goofy Goof:
Look that way, Maxie, these footprints could only belong to one person.

Max Goof:
The swamp beast from Planet Nine?

Goofy Goof:
No, Maxie, the President of Slime Co.!

Max Goof:
Mr. Sludge figures that he didn't have to listen to you because you're just darn too public.

Goofy Goof:
You mean the fella they name the public library after?

P.J. Pete:
Axed by addition, slain by subtraction.

Pete:
What was the name of the unknown soldier? How many feathers does Mum Goose have? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

P.J. Pete:
I can't even say that.

Max Goof:
Get the answer right and you get a fudgy wudgy bar... mmmmm, your fave... but answer wrong and the yolk's on you.

P.J. Pete:
We have to go to school!

Max Goof:
Not if we're sick we don't.

P.J. Pete:
Sick? My dad won't let me stay home unless I'm a walking corpse.

Max Goof:
We can arrange that.

Pete:
[after PJ's up all night studying] Toast son? Two slices or three?

P.J. Pete:
2 plus 3 is 5 minus 2 is 3 minus 2 is 1!

Pete:
Okay so you can add, want an egg?

[PJ screams]

Pete:
Okay no eggs. Say, don't tell me you want a candy bar for breakfast.

[PJ screams and climbs the wall]

Peg Pete:
Peter, if you're not going to help, please stay out of the way.

Pete:
[anger building up inside him] The only thing I'm helping with is getting these Goofs outta here yesterday.

Peg Pete:
[dominantly] Not unless you want to do your own cooking and cleaning and sunburn peeling forever.

Pete:
Huh?

[stammers]

Pete:
Well, uh, I suppose this thing, uh, thing coulda... When's this reunion?

Peg Pete:
High noon tomorrow.

Pete:
[to himself] Gotta hang on for nine hours, 540 minutes. Ooh, that's a lotta seconds.

Goofy:
[trying to hang up a black and white portrait of the family] If I can't see the family in living color, black and white's better than nothing.

[Pete sees his living room covered in paint]

Pete:
What have you done?

M. Angelo Goof:
Created a masterpiece, no?

Pete:
[yelling] NOOO!

[Peg sees Max and Goofy unloading their car]

Peg:
What happened? I thought you were on your way to your family reunion.

Max:
We're gonna miss the reunion. Car broke down. Took our plane fare to fix it. Mr. Pete said we had an upset battery.

Peg:
Loaded repair bill's more like it. That tub of butter is not gonna get away with this.

Pete:
[to a Goof relative] Stop! You've done enough damage!

Peg:
Shh! Pete. That's no way to treat our guests.

Pete:
Guests?

[protesting tone]

Pete:
They are not staying here!

Peg:
Oh, just until the reunion.

Pete:
[freaking out] What?

[while Peg is coming downstairs holding a box full of balloons to get Goofy's reunion ready, she catches Pete attempting to bouncing out of the house]

Peg:
[in a prideful tone] Trying to sneak out of helping, huh?

Pete:
[stammers] I'm, uh, uh, just, uh, getting some, uh, exercise.

[gestures it]

Peg:
Well, while you're huffing and puffing, blow up some of these.

[shoves a balloon into his mouth]

Pete:
What's going on?

Peg:
Just a little party.

Pete:
[steaming up] At 2am o'clock in the morning?

[doorbell rings again]

Peg:
[pushes him towards the door] Get that, will you, hon?

Pete:
[reading the letter] I'm going to get you. Get me? Must be some kind of joke, who'd want to get me? Ha... only every person I ever sold a car to!

[rushes to the phone]

Pete:
Hello? Get me the police!

Police Officer:
Well, Pete, 99 out of 100 times, it's nothing.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[sighs in relief] Whew, that's what I figured.

Police Officer:
Then again, there's that 100th time.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[gulps in fear] There is?

Police Officer:
Reminds me of my first case. He was a used car salesman.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[fearfully] Like me?

Police Officer:
No. This guy was crooked. Ripped off his customers. You're nothing like that.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[hesitant to be honest] No, not exactly.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
There's a little guy across the street just staring at our house. He hasn't budged in over an hour.

Peg Pete:
Pete, that's a lawn jockey!

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
Been dying to see this part of town, too. I don't mean that literally, of course!

Police Officer:
He received a letter like this, then strange things started happening. He heard squeaky footsteps wherever he went. He saw suspicious shadows on the walls. He felt the presence of eyes always watching over him. And then one day, poof, he disappeared.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
Poof?

Police Officer:
Poof. Here's his picture when I found him 10 years later.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[cringing] Oh no, why, it's... it's horrible!

Police Officer:
Oh sorry, that's a picture of a bowl of chili, that he won first prize at the Policeman's Chili Cook-off. [hands Pete another picture from his coat]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
But this is just another bowl of chili.

Police Officer:
No, that's him.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[squirms] Who would do such a thing?

Police Officer:
Often someone close to the victim. A wife, son, daughter, uncle, busboy, foreign diplomat. [he starts heading towards the door]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[Pete runs to him and grabs him in panic] But I don't want to wind up like CHILI!

Police Officer:
Calm down. There's a 75% chance it's nothing.

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
[stammers] B-b-b-b-but you said it was a 99% chance before.

Police Officer:
99, 70. You said "tomorrow," I said "tomato." I'm afraid it's the perp's next move. Until then, just sit tight. Relax. Maybe consider bumping up your life insurance policy.

[Pete has got a nose protector on, and is in paranoia hiding in his office, thinking that someone is out to get him]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
Huh! No silly letter is going to spook me. I've got nerves of steal. Why, I could eat Brussels Sprouts without even breaking.

[suddenly, the phone rings, and he shrieks in fear, and frantically crushes it to pieces with a bat]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
Probably a wrong number anyway.

[Pete starts backing out of his garage, and hears a loud hit]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
I don't like the sound of that.

[gets out of his car and checks the back to see that he had just hit a big mult-trimming devise]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
Not my Swiss Army hedge-clipper!

[picks it up looking wrecked, and sees a cuckoo clock come out of it and fall]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
Ah, it's gonna cost me a fortune to replace.

[suddenly gets an idea]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
No. It's gonna cost the Goof a fortune.

[goes over to the back of Goofy's truck on his drive-way, and puts it under his back tire]

Peter 'Pete Petey' Pete, Sr.:
He'll think he did it, and buy me a new one. Sometimes, I'm so rotten I give me goose bumps.

[Goofy tries to write Pete a sorry letter]

Goofy:
How many R's are there in Pete? Hmm. I'll just write it sloppy so the spelling don't show.

[Pete has mis-calculated his property profile]

Pete:
The Goof's just jealous on a count of it, because half his house belongs to me.

Peg:
Oh yes, Petey. I managed to find a copy of the property profile. You must have read it upside down, Snu-comes. Because we don't own half of Goofy's house.

[yells into his face]

Peg:
HE OWNS HALF OF OURS!

Pete:
[shocked in disbelief] The Goof owns half our house?

Peg:
But all is not lost. You've set a fine example for the children on how to settle disputes in a mature and grown-up way.

Pistol Pete:
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mr. Goof and Daddy are playing in the garbage can.

Peg:
[to Pete and Goofy] Well, isn't this a sight. Two grown men rolling around in the trash.

Pistol Pete:
[goes over to smell Pete getting out of the container, and plugs her nose] Ew! you smell bad, Daddy.

Goofy:
[to a terrified Waffles] C'mon, boy, tell daddy what's bothering ya.

Max Goof:
[coming in with a violin] The same thing that's bothering me: these dweeby violin lessons.

Goofy:
[to Max, opening up the family photo album] Sit back and listen while I tell you about your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-granddad, Goofin' Hood. [gasps for breath] Boy, I didn't realize how great he was.

Peg Pete:
[after Goofy unwittingly helps her gain entry to an elite club] Sprinklers? That's it! [kisses Goofy firmly on the lips] Oh, Goofy, you're coming with me!

Goofy:
[to Camera] Passionate, isn't she? [chuckles, then is grabbed]

[Max and PJ are admiring Pete's skateboard ramp]

Max:
Think how much speed we could get with a ramp like that! Then we'd...

PJ:
Kill ourselves?

Max:
Dad, did people really used to call you the Skull?

Goofy:
Sure did, Numb-skull!

Max Goof:
[imitating the horror movie preview] Don't send out for pizza because [imitates chainsaw] he's baaack.

Goofy:
[to Max] Creepy movies don't agree with you, son.

Max Goof:
What are you talking about?

Goofy:
Remember that old witch in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs"? [guffaws] You were so scared, you had hiccups for a week!

P.J. Pete:
"Snow White"?

Max Goof:
No way! I mean, that was pickles.

Goofy:
Max, you can't watch Grandma stuff a chicken without getting faint.

Max Goof:
The past, Dad. You're talking about the past. I'm 11 1/2 now. Nothing scares me.

P.J. Pete:
Except math tests.

Max Goof:
That's different, P.J.

P.J. Pete:
It was just a movie...

Pete:
Just a movie? Didn't you know it was based on a true case?

P.J. Pete:
It was?

Pete:
I heard it on the news. They say he came in through the bedroom window. Goodnight now.

Peg Pete:
[Pete hit his head on a tree branch] Is there anything I can get for you?

Pete:
Mommy, can I have a waffle iron for Christmas?

Goofy:
Gotta go to the all night market before it closes.

Goofy Goof:
That music sure is loud!

Maximilliam 'Max, Peter "P.J.:
WHAT?

Goofy Goof:
Turn it down!

Maximilliam 'Max:
It doesn't go any louder!

[Max and PJ are watching a music video with the volume turned way up]

Goofy:
That music sure is loud!

Max:
WHAT?

Goofy:
You gotta turn it down!

Max:
It doesn't go any louder!

Goofy Goof:
What's the difference between an elephant and my best friend Pete? About ten pounds!

Goofy:
[Sherlock Goof has caught one of Professor Inferiority's henchmen in his rat trap] Oh, boy, a rat! [scratches his head in confusion] A big rat, a big rat with a mask. Maybe it's a politician.

Goofy:
[to Pete after he accidentally hits him with a cricket bat] Garsh, sorry about that, your lordship!, wrong mouse. Say I know you, you're... you're... garsh, now don't tell me, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

Pete:
Professor Inferiority the master of crime, doctor of deviousness, king of chaos!

Goofy:
Aw, that's not it. You ever pitch for the Dodgers?

Pete:
[Grabs the cricket bat from him] Give me that thing, you goof! [takes a swing at him]

Goofy:
Watch it, that could really smart!

Pete:
Stand still and I'll make you a genius! [takes another swing at him]

Maximilliam 'Max:
What could be more fun than fishing with you dad?

Peter "P.J.:
Eating glass! Do you have any idea what fishing with him is like? Not to mention when I turn green and toss three meals a day.

Peter "P.J.:
How can my dad's fish finder help us find gold?

Maximilliam 'Max:
We set it for GOLDfish, Einstein.

Maximilliam 'Max:
DAD! PJ says Pete's a better fisherman than you!

Peter "Pete:
What do you mean lettin' your kid hit my kid just for tellin' the truth?

Max:
What could be more fun than fishing with you dad?

PJ:
Eating glass! Do you have any idea what fishing with him is like? Not to mention when I turn green and toss three meals a day.

PJ:
How can my dad's fish finder help us find gold?

Max:
We set it for GOLDfish, Einstein.

Max:
DAD! PJ says Pete's a better fisherman than you!

Pete:
What do you mean lettin' your kid hit my kid just for tellin' the truth?

Goofy:
Abandon ship!

Pete:
Abandon it? I haven't even paid for it yet!

Goofy:
If there's one thing I don't like about falling off a roof, it's the pain involved.

Goofy:
Pete's a swell kinda guy, once you get past his personality.

Pete:
[Pete whistles] The Ultra Fin Laser Guided Telescopic Fish Finder, oooh sweetheart! That's just where I'd put it! But where am I gonna get the money? Oh wait! I could sneak $100.00 from PJ's savings account, $200.00 from Pistol's college fund. $200 from...

[Pete hears Goofy pounding nails onto some wood]

Pete:
Oh what in tarnation?

[the pounding continues]

Pete:
Hey, Goof! Put a lid on it!

Goofy:
Hy-yuk! Just a few more tappy-taps Pete. It's a surprise tree house for Max. Hy-yuk!

Pete:
Aw, well, keep it down! I'm figuring see!

Pete:
Well, I want to apologize for being so greedy, and mean, and, well, y'know...

P.J. Pete:
[to Max] He says he's sorry!

Max Goof:
[to Goofy] He says he's sorry for being himself, pop!

Pete:
I'll give everything back! The tickets, the surfboard, my hula skirt!

[pause]

Pete:
Well, maybe not my hula skirt.

[Pete is on TV dressed as Goofy]

Goofy:
Hey! That's me!

Peg:
No, it's not! I'd know that jelly roll anywhere.

PJ:
OK, Houston, we have ETA in approximately... 4, 3, 2. 1.

Peg:
[to Pete] You miserable, cheese-eating pile of flap! You're own neighbor had never had a decent vacation in his life! His kid tries to get him one and you go and STEAL IT FROM HIM! Of all the low-down miserable NO GOOD...

Pete:
But dumpling dip, I did it for you and the kids.

Peg:
I wouldn't luau with you if my hula hips *depended* on it! You give those tickets back to Goofy and Max or you're going on vacation ALONE!

[Pete has caught the boys with his video camera]

Pete:
You boys have some serious grovelin' to do!

PJ:
[nervously] D-don't kill us, Dad. We swiped it for a good cause.

Max Goof:
Yeah. Every summer, you take your family on a mondo expensive vacation: France one year, Egypt the next; while my pop can't afford anything but bucket fishing for minnows in the backyard.

Pete:
Yeah, yeah, it's a cruel world. So?

PJ:
So, Max is gonna win his dad a $10,000 vacation.

PJ, Max Goof:
[in unison] For free!

Pete:
That doesn't give you any excuse to swipe my... Did you say 10,000, for free?

Pete:
[Goofy is on Evil Boll Weevil's Torture Ramp of Death] So, my buddy Boll Weevil says he needs a racing strip down the middle of the ramp. And I think to myself, "Self, bet my old pal Goofy'd like to pick up a few spare bucks."

Goofy:
I sure would! I got my eye on a new fishing bucket over at the hardware store.

Pete:
Yeah, sure, whatever.

Goofy:
[ghostly voice] Pete... Oh, Pete... [startled, Pete sees Goofy disguised as a ghost, wearing a robe and a bucket over his head and holding a fishing pole] Howdy, Pete!

Pete:
[terrified] G-G-G-Goofy? B-But... But... But you're a ga-ga... a gaa... a ghost!

Goofy:
Yup. Drowned in my own fishing bucket. Some say I done myself in; that I couldn't face another vacation in the backyard, while my neighbor flew off to Hawaii with my ticket!

Pete:
[swallows] N-N-N-N-Now... Now, look, pally, uh... It isn't like that at all.

Goofy:
Ooooooohhh, you did it, Pete! Guilty! Guilty!

Peg:
Of all the two-faced...

Pistol Pete:
no good down daddy...

Peg:
pot belly melon headed...

Pistol Pete:
you, you, you Hawaii stealer...

Peg:
vacation stealing globs!

PJ:
Forgot 'slimy'.

Goofy:
You mean, we don't get to go to Hawa-ii?

Max Goof:
Oh, Dad.

Peg:
Oh now, don't give up yet! You just waist until ol' lardo gets home. [laughs] I'll use my secret weapon.

Max Goof:
What's that?

Peg:
MY MOUTH!

Max Goof:
[Max watches the tape that has Pete pretending to be Goofy on it] A summer rip-off! Pete stole my dad's vacation!