Grace and Frankie

Frankie Bergstein:
I gained another pound today. But I think it's a pound of knowledge.

Grace Hanson:
You are in need of some serious cheering up.

Frankie Bergstein:
I'm not without cheer. I'm a little down. It's an honest down, and since you are so up, there's a homeostatic balance.

Nwabudike Bergstein:
[to Coyote] Why does Nelson think that I am a drug addict? Can you explain to him that you are the addict and that I am the black one?

Grace:
[after outburst in grocery store when ignored by cashier] Okay, that lacked poise. And I'm sorry, but I refuse to be irrelevant.

Frankie:
[Lighting cigarette] . It's okay. I learned something. We've got a super power.

Grace:
[Referring to cigarettes] You stole those?

Frankie:
You can't see me, you can't stop me.

Brianna Hanson:
I lost both my virginities in this house, it's my house.

Frankie:
Excuse me. [Holding up a container of Ben & Jerry's ice cream] Have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?

Woman:
What?

Frankie:
Ben and Jerry. Are they more than ice cream buddies?

Woman:
How the hell would I know?

Frankie:
Bitch.

Grace Hanson:
Oh, you're crying! There's a whole world in here!

Frankie Bergstein:
Your anger is frightening the sand.

Robert Hanson:
Well, it is what it is.

Brianna Hanson:
Great talk, dad

Frankie Bergstein:
Excuse me, have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?

Woman:
What?

Frankie Bergstein:
Ben and Jerry! Are they more than just ice cream buddies?

Woman:
The hell should I know?

Frankie Bergstein:
Bitch!

Grace Hanson:
Am I supposed to be able to smell color?

Grace Hanson:
I played by all the rules! Why didn't you tell me there weren't any rules, it's not fair!

Frankie Bergstein:
I must have half the beach in my vagina!

Mallory Hanson:
Oh my God, what am I going to tell my kids?

Brianna Hanson:
Why don't you start with do you know where poop comes from?

Grace Hanson:
If anyone's going to sit on Ryan Gosling's face, it's gonna be me!

Frankie Bergstein:
What brand would you smoke if your husband turned out to be gay?

Clerk:
Uh, newports?

Frankie Bergstein:
For 20 years?

Clerk:
Lucky's.

Grace Hanson:
Im just trying to keep my coffee down.

Mallory Hanson:
Mom, is there anything we can do?

Grace Hanson:
Uh-uh.

Brianna Hanson:
How about a Valium?

Grace Hanson:
Two.

Robert Hanson:
Grace. Can I talk to you for a second, please?

Grace Hanson:
I don't know. Not talking is your forte.

Robert Hanson:
Well, I'm talking now, and I'm sorry. I just never thought you'd be this upset.

Grace Hanson:
What did you think I'd be?

Robert Hanson:
I honestly thought you'd be relieved.

Grace Hanson:
Relieved? Really? I think relief is what you're feeling. I'm feeling like the last forty years have been a fraud.

Robert Hanson:
Now come on, only the last twenty years were a fraud. That's a joke.

Grace Hanson:
No, you don't get to do that. You don't get to pretend that this is nothing.

Robert Hanson:
No. You're right. It is not nothing. And I should have told you a long time ago. But let's be honest. Were you ever really happy with me?

Grace Hanson:
I was happy enough. So we didn't have the romance of the century. But I thought we were normal. I thought we were like everybody else. I thought this was life.

Robert Hanson:
And I thought there was more.

Grace Hanson:
Would have been easier if you'd died.

Frankie Bergstein:
I can't remember the last time I slept without you. I know I've done it but I... I can't remember.

Sol Bergstein:
Come here. I hate that I hurt you. I really do love you. I mean, you've always loved me for...

Frankie Bergstein:
Who you are? Ironic, isn't it?

Frankie Bergstein:
Excuse me, have you ever wondered if Ben and Jerry make more than ice cream together?

Frankie Bergstein:
Give me one of those bottles, things... the big one. Give me a big one. That's good. Listen, sir, what brand would you smoke if your husband turned out to be gay?

Clerk:
Newports.

Frankie Bergstein:
For the last twenty years.

Clerk:
Luckies.

Frankie Bergstein:
I'll take those. Sol never let me smoke. Imagine him, judging what I put into my - I mean I'm telling you, and the whole time, they were doing blowjobs.

Clerk:
I hear ya.

Frankie Bergstein:
I mean, I'm assuming.

Frankie Bergstein:
I struggle to believe you.

Frankie:
[Referring to Grace's desire to look good at a repast attended by her soon-to-be ex-husband] Is that why you're wearing that ass hugging dress?

Grace:
Exactly. Yes. When I walk into Larry's house, everybody's going to look at me and say, [smacking her lips] "What a waste?"

Frankie:
Wouldn't they be saying that when you walk out?

Frankie Bergstein:
It is good isn't it? When you left, I thought my life was over. I can't sleep in that big f***ing bed without him. But I did it. And now I love having that bed to myself, it's fantastic, I sleep in a giant X! You know what this means? Im okay, and I'm going to be okay. Ta-da, congratulate me.

Frankie:
Sweet, muscular Jesus!

Grace Hanson:
Sol's probably going to ask you to do an interpretive dance.

Frankie Bergstein:
I don't think I can. I mean, I could. I mean, I usually see where my body takes me in the moment. [dances] Kah! KAH! Kah.

Grace Hanson:
Definitely don't do that.

Frankie Bergstein:
Okay.

Frankie Bergstein:
Oh, so it's okay for you to spend time with your ex-husband, but not me.

Grace Hanson:
It's okay if my six-foot-four, still boyishly good-looking lover's gonna be here.

Frankie Bergstein:
I see what you're doing. Accidental meeting. Erica Kane did that to Dimitri Marick on All My Children. Someone ended up dying, then coming back as a twin, and then dying again in a grain silo. I like it.

Frankie Bergstein:
[folding a fitted sheet] This is harder than you said it would be.

Grace Hanson:
Fold the corners. No, fold. Fold the corners.

Frankie Bergstein:
They're round. They do not fold. Anyone who can do this is a powerful witch.

Grace Hanson:
Well, I can do it.

Frankie Bergstein:
I rest my case.

Grace:
You know, at my age I only have one speed: breakneck. Ofcourse I don't call it that. Because it is a very real fear.

Nwabudike Bergstein:
Nwabudike. Can you spell that? Do you wanna try?

Nwabudike Bergstein:
[Nwabudike and Coyote surprise Brianna while her movie date is away] So what's this guy's deal? Does he smell like a cat?

Coyote Bergstein:
Does he have a cat?

Nwabudike Bergstein:
Is he a cat?

Brianna Hanson:
Yes, he's a cat and his name is "Go to a different f***ing movie!"

Coyote Bergstein:
It's not going to f***ing happen.

Frankie Bergstein:
I'm not sleeping... I'm painting.

Grace Hanson:
Looks like you're sleeping.

Frankie Bergstein:
I go to a restful place in my mind and I let the painting come to me.

Grace Hanson:
So what's coming to you?

Frankie Bergstein:
Sleep. It works that way sometimes.

Frankie Bergstein:
The house is ready for the Chin family. Do you think I should leave them some sage, so that they can get rid of our juju?

Nwabudike Bergstein:
It's all good.

Coyote Bergstein:
Not necessary.

Robert Hanson:
Sol, are you sure we have to write our own vows? I mean, there's something to be said for being part of a tradition that's been going on for thousands of years.

Sol Bergstein:
Yes, who wouldn't want to be part of the ancient tradition of misogyny and homophobia?

Frankie:
Christ on a cracker.

Grace Hanson:
Fuck It!!