Green Book

Don Shirley:
I am not a medical doctor. I'm a musician. I'm about to embark on a concert tour in the Deep South. What other experience do you have?

Tony Lip:
Public relations.

Tony Lip:
You know, when you first hired me, my wife went out and bought one of your records. The one about the orphans?

Don Shirley:
Orphans?

Tony Lip:
Yeah. Cover had a bunch of kids sittin' around a campfire?

Don Shirley:
Orpheus.

Tony Lip:
...Yeah.

Don Shirley:
Orpheus in the Underworld. It's based on a French opera. And those weren't children on the cover, those were demons in the bowels of Hell.

Tony Lip:
No shit! They must've been naughty kids!

Don Shirley:
What on God's green earth are you doing?

Tony Lip:
A letter.

Don Shirley:
Looks more like a piecemeal ransom note. May I? "Dear Dolores"... D-E-A-R. [taps paper] This is an animal. "I'm meeting all the highly leading citizens of the town. People that use big words, all of them. But you know me, I get by. I'm a good bullshitter." Two Ts in bullshitter. "As I'm writing this letter, I'm eating potato chips, and I'm starting to get thirsty. I washed my socks and dried them on the TV. I should have... brung... the iron..." You know this is pathetic, right?

Don Shirley:
Could you put out the cigarette, please?

Tony Lip:
Why?

Don Shirley:
I can't breathe back here.

Tony Lip:
What are you talkin' about? Smoke's going down my lungs. I'm doin' all the work here.

Tony Lip:
Ain't they supposed to be following us?

Don Shirley:
They have the itinerary. As long as they get to the show on time, I'm not worried about it, and neither should you.

Tony Lip:
I ain't worried about nothin'... In fact, when you see me worried? You'll know.

Don Shirley:
Tony...

Tony Lip:
You'll know if I'm worried...

Don Shirley:
How 'bout some quiet time? Hmm?

Tony Lip:
[Shrugging] Sure. [Chuckles] It's amazing you said that. "How 'bout some quiet time?" Dolores, my wife, used to say that all the time... Well, not all the time but, y'know, she says it when, when I come home from work sometime, you know, she been with the kids all day and she'll say, "Tony? How 'bout some quiet time?" Exactly like how you said it! I mean, it's amazing...

Don Shirley:
Tony! I'm sorry about last night.

Tony Lip:
...Don't worry 'bout it. I been working nightclubs in New York City my whole life. I know it's a... complicated world.

Tony Lip:
I dunno. Personally I think if you stuck to the classic stuff it would've been a big mistake.

Don Shirley:
A mistake? Performing the music I trained my entire life to play?

Tony Lip:
Trained? What are you, a seal? People love what you do! Anyone can sound like Beethoven or Joe Pan or them other guys you said. But your music, what you do? Only you can do that!

Don Shirley:
Thank you, Tony. But not everyone can play Chopin. Not like I can.

Don Shirley:
So where did this "Tony the Lip" moniker come from?

Tony Lip:
[laughs] It's not "Tony the Lip", it's "Tony Lip". One word. I got it when I was a kid 'cause my friends said I was the best bullshit artist in the Bronx. [Chuckles]

Don Shirley:
[Horrified] Why are you smiling?

Tony Lip:
What do you mean?

Don Shirley:
It doesn't bother you that your friends - the people closest to you - consider you a liar?

Tony Lip:
Who said liar? I said bullshit artist!

Don Shirley:
And what's the difference?

Tony Lip:
'Cause I don't lie! Ever! I'm just good at talkin' people into... y'know, doin' things they don't wanna do... By bullshittin' 'em. [Grins]

Don Shirley:
And you're proud of that?

Tony Lip:
Well, it got me this job.

Tony Lip:
You know, if this got out, it would kill your career.

Don Shirley:
OK Tony, I need you to stop it with the phony altruism and concern for my career.

Tony Lip:
The hell's that mean?

Don Shirley:
You were only thinking about yourself back there because you know if I miss a show it'd come out of your pocketbook.

Tony Lip:
Of course I don't want you to miss a show, you ungrateful bastard! You think I'm doing this for my health? Tonight I saved your ass! So show a little appreciation, maybe! Besides, I told you never to go nowhere without me!

Don Shirley:
...I assumed you'd want this to be the exception.

Tony Lip:
[Surveying the snow] This could get bad, Doc.

Don Shirley:
Yes. It's a shame we don't have something to protect us on our journey. Oh, I know. Why don't you put your lucky rock up on the dash, Tony? Come on, Tony, we need all the help we can get.

[Tony puts the stone on the dash]

Don Shirley:
Thank you. I feel safer already.

Tony Lip:
You're a real prick, you know that?

Louie Venere:
I got to admit... Lip's letters? They're not bad.

Rudy Vallelonga:
Well, it's in the family. They say our great-great-great-grandfather helped Da Vinci with the Sixteen Chapel.

Johnny Venere:
You mean Michaelangelo.

Rudy Vallelonga:
...Right.

Johnny Venere:
What does Michaelangelo have to do with writing letters?

Rudy Vallelonga:
I'm just sayin'. We're an arty family.

Dolores:
Hello.

Don Shirley:
You must be Dolores.

Dolores:
Welcome!

Don Shirley:
Buon natale. Thank you for sharing your husband with me.

Dolores:
Thank you for helping him with the letters.

Don Shirley:
Before we pull out, Tony, we need to have a talk.

Tony Lip:
Yeah?

Don Shirley:
Oleg told me what you did.

Tony Lip:
What'd I do?

Don Shirley:
You stole a jade stone from the store.

Tony Lip:
No I didn't.

Don Shirley:
He watched you do it.

Tony Lip:
I didn't steal no stone.

Don Shirley:
You picked it up and put it in your pocket.

Tony Lip:
I picked up a rock off of the ground. I didn't steal it from a box.

Don Shirley:
Now why would you pick up a rock off the ground?

Tony Lip:
I don't know. Cause it ain't stealing. It's just a regular rock.

Don Shirley:
And why would you want a regular rock?

Tony Lip:
To have. For luck, maybe.

Don Shirley:
A lucky rock.

Tony Lip:
Yeah.

Don Shirley:
Let me see it. [Don holds out his hand; reluctantly Tony hands him the rock] Mm-hmm. Take it back and pay for it.

Tony Lip:
[swears in Italian] I told you that Kraut was a snake. Rats me out for something I didn't even do!

Don Shirley:
Pay for the stone, Tony; you'll feel better.

Tony Lip:
I feel fine! And I ain't paying for no regular rock I found in the dirt. [starts to drive]

Don Shirley:
Do not drive, Mr. Vallelonga. [Tony stops] Put it back.

[after a brief pause, Tony reluctantly goes to the box, puts the stone back, and goes back to the car]

Don Shirley:
Feel better?

Tony Lip:
No.

Don Shirley:
If you like, Tony, I'd happily buy you the stone.

Tony Lip:
Don't bother. You took all the fun out of it.

Tony Lip:
You know, Doc, something's been eating at me this whole trip.

Don Shirley:
Hmm?

Tony Lip:
That Titsburgh was a major disappointment. I didn't notice any difference at all. Did you?

Don Shirley:
Good night, Tony.