Idiocracy

Joe Bauers:
I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.

Joe Bauers:
They're watering crops with a sports drink?

Joe Bauers:
You know things are bad when they're coming to me for answers.

Joe Bauers:
Today I step into the shoes of a great man, a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Joe Bauers:
People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories, so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.

Rita:
Man! Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be puttin me in no damn coffin with tubes and shiyt!!

Rita:
You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits? Now you know why he built that bomb.

Rita:
That's good, cause I charge by the hour.

Frito Pendejo:
I like money.

Frito Pendejo:
Go away! 'Batin'!

Frito Pendejo:
I like havin' sex with chicks.

Frito Pendejo:
There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.

Frito Pendejo:
If I had some money and a room at the White House, I'd be like, "It's mine, all night!"

Frito Pendejo:
What's the minus of 30 and 20?

President Camacho:
So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. Looks like a peanut!

President Camacho:
Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Chill out.

President Camacho:
Sh*t. I know sh*t's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit. And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French Fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

President Camacho:
Come on scro', don't be a p*ssy! Besides, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon.

Judge Hank "The Hangman" BMW:
Now, since you all say you ain't got no money, we have "proprietarily" obtained for you one of them court-appointed lawyers, so put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo!

Narrator:
But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner city slang, and various grunts.

Narrator:
Joe was about to learn, that in the future, justice was not only blind, but had become rather retarded as well.

Narrator:
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water virtually everywhere.

Narrator:
After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason, and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants and that they wanted water.

Narrator:
Dwayne Elizondo Camacho …Five-time Ultimate Smackdown champion …Porn superstar …And president of the United States.

Advertisements:
If you don't smoke Tarrlytons... F*** you!

Advertisements:
Carl's Jr: F*** you! I'm eating.

Advertisements:
[the "Fuddruckers" company's name has changed over the years] Buttf***ers

Advertisements:
"Extra Big Ass Fries!"

Miscellaneous:
Formica Davis: Well, it started off boring and slow, with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk: '"Blah blah blah. You gotta believe me!"' That part of the trial sucked! But then the Chief J. just went off. He said, '"Man, whatever! The guy's guilty as sh*t! We all know that."' And he sentenced his ass to one night of rehabilitation.

Miscellaneous:
Carl's Jr. Computer: Welcome to Carl's Jr. Would you like to try our EXTRA BIG ASS TACO? Now with more MOLECULES!

Miscellaneous:
Various: I like money.

Miscellaneous:
Time Machine Narrator: ...First to the year 1939 when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world! ... But then an even greater force emerged: The un! [sic; United Nations] And the un un-nazied the world! Forever!

Miscellaneous:
Costco Greeter: Welcome to Costco, I love you... Welcome to Costco, I love you...

Miscellaneous:
Dr. Lexus: Don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin', but it says on your chart that you're f***ed up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your sh*t's all tarded. What I'd do, is just like... ha ha... like... aha... you know, like, you know what I mean, like... haha...

Miscellaneous:
Dr. Lexus: Don't worry scro'! There are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick ass lives. My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

Miscellaneous:
Robot Vacuum: Your floor-- your floor is now clean.

Miscellaneous:
Ow My Balls! Guy: Ow, my balls!

Joe:
Why me? Every time Metzler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

Sgt. Keller:
Yeah, when he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way." It's supposed to embarrass you into leading, or at least following.

Joe:
That doesn't embarrass me.

[Joe's Hibernation Pod crashes through Frito's window]

Joe:
Where's...?

Frito:
Hold on. Shut up.

Joe:
Where's Officer Collins?

Frito:
Shut up!

Joe:
Are we on base?

Frito:
I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!

Joe:
I'm sorry, it's just, where am I?

Frito:
Shut up! I told you already.

[Frito throws Joe out the window]

Frito:
Yeah! Won't Shut up! Come in here and not shut up. Yeah, you're like "I'm not shuttin' up..."

Program:
Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card. Document number G24L8.

Joe:
I'm not sure if-

Program:
You have entered the name "Not Sure". Is this correct, Not Sure?

Joe:
No, it's not correct.

Program:
Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

Joe:
No it's not. My name is Joe-

Program:
You've already confirmed your first name is "Not". Please confirm your last name "Sure".

Joe:
My last name is not "Sure".

Program:
Thank you, "Not Sure".

Joe:
No. What I mean is that my name is Joe.

Program:
Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Joe and Frito are walking through a Costco, much bigger than what was in Joe's time

Greeter:
Hi, welcome to Costco. I love you.

Frito:
Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.

Joe:
You went to law school at Costco?

Frito:
So did my father. Thank God for being a legacy, or else I might not have gotten in.

Joe:
Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

Frito:
Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Frito:
I can't believe you like money too. We should hang out.

Cameraman:
Totally.

Rita:
You think Einstein walked around thinking everyone was a bunch of dumb-shits?

Joe:
Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Rita:
Now you know why he built that bomb.

Joe:
For the last time, I'm pretty sure what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.

Secretary of State:
But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

Attorney General:
"So wait a minute. What you're saying is that you want us to put water on the crops.

Joe:
Yes.

Attorney General:
Water. Like out the toilet?

Joe:
Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

Secretary of State:
But Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Attorney General:
It's got electrolytes.

Joe:
Okay, look. The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working. Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

Secretary of Energy:
Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

Secretary of State:
Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

Joe:
Okay, look. You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon. So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?

Attorney General:
Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Secretary of Energy:
Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

Joe:
What are electrolytes? Do you even know?

Secretary of State:
It's what they use to make Brawndo.

Joe:
Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?

Secretary of Defense:
'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.

[Frito is struggling to read an advertisement]

Cameraman:
Why you keep trying to read that word? You a fag?

Frito:
Fag your face!

[Frito punches Cameraman in the face]

Frito:
It's you! Oh man, I really love your show.

Ow! My Balls! Guy(Hormel Chavez):
Thank you so much.

[Frito kicks the man in the crotch]

Frito Pendejo:
I'll base your ass on my fist! In your face, ass! Shut up!

President Camacho:
Now I understand everyone's sh*t is emotional right now.

Judge Hank "The Hangman" Bmw:
I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here. We gonna see if we can come up with a verdict up in here!